Redemption Song

by Melodie Murray

  But there were days when Ben’s letters didn’t come. Ethan always wondered why they’d stop, only to figure out later that those were the days that Ben was sickest. Ethan assumed a hospital visit. He wasn’t sure because Ben never spoke of his hardships in his letters. He only spoke of the strength God was giving him with wisdom that far surpassed the expectations of a little kid.

  As Ethan lay in his cushy bed, in the apartment he shared with his mom in downtown Manhattan, he realized that he hadn’t received a letter from Ben in several days. And it was a gut wrenching intuition that told Ethan there was a reason. Ben wasn’t home around his computer which meant he was in a hospital somewhere. It’d happened before, but never lasted this long.

  Something was wrong.

  It was a call to Granny Mae that confirmed it. Ethan knew it was late, around eleven at night her time, but he needed to find out how Ben was. There would be no sleeping until Ethan knew Ben was okay.

  “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Granny’s tone was groggy. He’d woke her up. “You never call this late? Is everything okay?”

  Ethan paused, almost afraid to ask the essential question. “How Ben?”

  It was Granny’s sigh that told him all he needed to know.

  “Where are you guys?” Ethan asked; his tone one of persistence.

  Granny replied slowly, keeping her voice steady. “We’re at the treatment center in Birmingham. Ben is not doing well this time.”

  “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

  “Oh, baby, I know you love Ben . . .”

  “Granny, I need to tell him goodbye . . . the right way.”

  “I understand,” Granny said. “But lil’ E, there’s something you should know . . .”

  But it was too late. Ethan had already hung up and lurched for his duffle bag. Ben was in bad shape. He could tell by his grandmother’s tone. And he didn’t know how much time he had. Ethan had never responded to Ben; never explained to him why he’d left, or how he’d changed since then, and how it was partially Ben’s influence that led Ethan to the best decision he’d ever made for himself. He’d never told little Ben any of that.

  Because Ben deserved better than a halfhearted letter typed over some social network. Ethan needed to tell him everything face to face and take whatever Ben had to throw at him. Whether it be disappointment or forgiveness, Ethan would take it.

  He just hoped he wasn’t too late.

  The airliner touched down at the Shuttlesworth International Airport in Birmingham at mid-afternoon the next day. The sun beat down on the blackened runway causing heat to radiate in seemingly visible waves as Ethan gazed out of the tiny oval window. This time he’d opted for first class. And not because he preferred the amenities it offered, but because he needed his privacy. His stomach was twisted in knots of anticipation for the reality that would face him the second he set foot in that hospital.

  What would Ben be like? Would he see Alaina? How would she react to his presence there? The last thing he wanted was a scene in the middle of the waiting room, but he knew better than that from Alaina. She wouldn’t make a scene. All it’d take was a look and he’d know he wasn’t welcome. He just needed to see Ben before she knew he was there. That’s why he’d called that morning and asked Granny Mae to keep quiet about his arrival. He had some stuff to settle with Ben and it’d be a lot easier to accomplish without having to explain himself to Alaina—or having to deal with the pain of seeing her and not being welcome to touch her hair or hold her hand the way he had before messing everything up.

  Ethan chose a blue Yankees cap and a pair of dark sunglasses as his disguise for the day and he just hoped it’d be enough to get him as far as Ben’s room unnoticed. Ironically, his departure from the secular music scene had not put an abrupt end to his career as he’d anticipated. Sure, he’d lost some of his fan base, but he’d gained a whole new wave. Turns out, people liked to see the real side of celebrities and his new fans felt that he had a backbone; that he’d made a stand for Christ and for his beliefs with his decision to switch to Christian music—which was great, but once again didn’t aid to private ventures out of the house.

  And then there was Ted. A constant companion and spiritual guide, he and Ethan had become what could only be described as friends. Ted was there for Ethan every time it really mattered and it’d taken a while for Ethan to realize why, but now he understood that Ted was a man of God, and through His guidance, knew exactly what Ethan needed to hear at just the right moments. Ted offered advice and helped Ethan maintain his focus on what really mattered.

  Ted was at Ethan’s side as they rode in the yellow taxi from the airport to the hospital and Ethan knew he could count on Ted to stay there indefinitely, even if not physically. Ted’s wisdom would always remain etched in Ethan’s memory and would pop to mind whenever he needed it. And now was one of those times. The monstrous brick conglomeration of buildings loomed in the street ahead. Thomas Hospital. Ethan was there.

  “I believe we’ve arrived, Mr. Carter,” Ted said in his usual cool tone.

  Ethan felt himself gulp. “Yep.”

  Ted didn’t say anything else for a long moment, but then it came. The few words that Ethan needed to hear. “Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.”

  A smile played at Ethan’s lips. “Psalms?”

  Ted nodded. “I’m impressed.”

  Ethan shrugged. “I read a lot of Psalms.” He paused for a moment, feeling a little vulnerable by his next statement. “But what if he hates me?”

  Ted placed his thick hand on Ethan shoulder and gave it a supportive squeeze. “Just be honest, Mr. Carter. Be humble. Ben will understand.”

  The cab came to a stop at the main entrance of the treatment center and Ethan readjusted his hat and glasses before opening the door. He took one last deep breath. “Humble. Got it.”

  Granny Mae had instructed them to go to the fifth floor, and the long trek there felt to Ethan as if he was trying to walk on eggshells without cracking them. Every girl with long dark hair, regardless of height or size, made Ethan’s skins jump. He just knew he was going to turn a corner and meet Alaina face to face. He wasn’t sure what he’d say if that happened and really preferred to not have to find out.

  But after about ten minutes and two different elevator rides later, Ethan and Ted approached Ben’s hallway and there had been no sign of Alaina anywhere. Tenth door down on the right, Granny Mae poked her head out and met Ethan’s gaze with a wide loving smile. When he reached her, she embraced him.

  “Oh, lil’ E, I hate the circumstances, but it is so good to see your face.”

  Ethan returned her hug. “How is he, Granny? Am I too late?”

  He could see the sadness in his grandmother’s eyes. “He’s hanging in there. Putting up a Ben kind of fight.”

  “Where is uh . . .”

  Granny smiled a little. “I sent her for an early dinner. Ben started stirring a few minutes ago. If you want to visit with him, you better get to it because those pain meds will have him out again soon. I know he’ll be excited to see you.”

  Ethan’s stomach tightened and he offered Granny an appreciative nod. “I hope so,” he murmured. He looked up to Ted. “You think you can give me a minute, man?”

  Ted nodded and turned to Granny. “Mae, I think I saw a Starbucks on the way up here. How does a cup of coffee sound?”

  Mae smiled and allowed Ted to take her by the arm back toward the elevator.

  They’d made it all the way to the opposite end of the long hallway and Ethan still remained frozen in the doorway to Ben’s room. He couldn’t believe he was so nervous. It’s just that he’d imagined this moment going so many different ways in his mind. The most preferable: Ben would be ecstatic to see him and not even ask why he’d left in the first place. The least desirable: Ben would completely go nuts and yell at him and give him the same look and speech his sister had the night she’d told him that he was a liar and needed to leave.

&n
bsp; Ethan placed his hand on the doorknob and sent up a silent prayer. Lord, just give me the words to say. He’s so young. Please help him understand. Help him to see that I’m different.

  Ethan turned the knob and slowly pushed the wide door open. The room was small, but fairly comfortable. The walls were white but a couple of pictures hung from each one, casting a little color to the room. A small flat screen television hung from a mount in front of the bed. Linens draped messily from the recliner beside Ben’s bed and from a cot that sat up against the opposite wall. Ethan wondered why they both looked slept in. He knew Granny was staying in a room in the annex. He figured Alaina was sleeping in the bed at night and using the chair to nap in during the day.

  It took several moments for Ethan to allow his eyes to shift to the small figure occupying the bed in the center of the room. But when he did, he felt his emotions beginning to get the best of him. Pull it together Ethan! He hadn’t even said anything yet. Now was not the time to go soft.

  Ethan made his way a little closer to the bed and the sight of Ben only became more painful. It’d been a whole year since he’d seen little Ben. He would be eleven now, and he looked it in size, but his face appeared much older. His sickness had drained his skin of its color. Dark circles hung below his eyes and he was so thin, his skin clinging to his cheekbones.

  “Oh, Ben.” The words escaped Ethan’s mouth as more of a sigh than anything else and he almost jumped when Ben’s eyes flung open.

  The two boys stared at one another for a moment as if assessing if the other one was really there. Finally, Ben spoke in a voice much weaker than the one Ethan had heard from him last. The excited vibrancy was gone from Ben’s tone.

  “Ethan? Is that you?”

  Ethan forced a timid smile. “Uh, yeah. It’s me.”

  Ben’s head cocked to the side and he gave a confused puppy dog expression. “What are you doing here? Did Alaina call you?”

  Ethan took the fact that Ben hadn’t screamed at him or rolled over refusing to look at him as a good sign and moved toward the recliner. “No, Alaina didn’t call me.”

  “Granny Mae?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  Ben’s tone was sweet, almost as if absolutely no time had passed since the last time they’d seen one another. “You quit sending me messages. I got worried about you . . . so here I am,” Ethan answered.

  “I thought you had people that checked your messages for you?”

  Ethan managed a real smile this time. “You’re right. I did. But then this cool kid told me how my fans might appreciate me more if I took the time to actually read what they have to say. And I get worried when my biggest fan suddenly stops writing me with no explanation.” Ben didn’t respond. “Are you still my biggest fan, Ben?”

  Ben scrunched his nose up in that cute little line that Ethan had never forgotten. “That depends,” Ben said. “If you were getting my messages all this time, then why’d you never write me back? Fans also like it when you write back, you know.”

  “I know.” Ethan said. “I’m sorry I never wrote you. I just . . . I just felt really bad about how I left you and I didn’t want you to . . . hate me.”

  “Why would I hate you?”

  “Because . . .” Ethan found himself rising from his seat and making his way to the open area of the room. He didn’t even know why, but for some reason, the words seem to flow better while pacing. “Because I messed up, Benny Boy. I lied about why I was in Fairhope. I was mean to you when I first got there. Your sister hates me. And then I wasn’t even man enough to stick around long enough to give you the truth about why I had to leave.”

  Ben didn’t smile or frown. He remained expressionless. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I . . . I don’t know, kiddo. It’s just that you’ve always looked up to me like I was some kind of hero or something and, at the time, I was so messed up inside. I was so ashamed of how I’d been acting that I was afraid that if I told you why I was really there you’d never look at me the same again.”

  Ben pressed his hand down to his sides and attempted to rise a little. The ghost of a grimace that crossed his features made Ethan’s heart hurt. Ben was in pain.

  “Can I do anything to make it stop hurting?” Ethan asked.

  A faint smile tugged at Ben’s lips. “I like Popsicles.”

  Ethan laughed. “Then Popsicles it is.” He reached for the control hanging from Ben’s bed and flicked the big red button to call the nurse’s station. After placing their orders for Popsicles, Ethan looked back to Ben once more and spoke slowly. “I’m sorry, Ben. For everything. For not being the person you thought I was. For not being nice to you. For lying to you. For leaving you. I’m sorry for it all.”

  “Did you know there’s a video of you getting baptized on YouTube?”

  Ben’s answer surprised Ethan. "Really?”

  “Yeah. Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to wear jeans when you’re getting baptized? It soaks up the whole bathtub.”

  Ethan couldn’t help but laugh. “But I got baptized in a lake.”

  “Yeah, but normal people get baptized in bathtubs.”

  “Ben, I don’t really think it’s called a bathtub . . .”

  “Oh yeah?” Ben’s stubborn tone was back and for a moment Ethan felt a little life spring into the kid. “And what does it look like to you?” he asked.

  Ethan smirked. “It looks a little like a bathtub.”

  “That’s all I’m sayin.” Ben grinned. “So that note you left me; was that a song on the back of it?”

  Ethan nodded. “Yep. My first single in my new genre.”

  “That’s why I wasn’t mad at you,” Ben said, but Ethan didn’t quite understand. “I used to pray for you all the time when I’d lay down at night. You were my favorite singer but none of your songs were about God, so I prayed every night that someday you’d sing songs about God. Then when you stayed with me, you never talked about God. So I prayed that one day you’d talk about God all the time.”

  Ethan’s eyes grew wider with each one of Ben’s words. Ben continued. “Then you left me that note. And I was mad at first. And a little lonely. But then I saw all the news online about how you quit your agent and went to sing Christian music, and I remembered all of those prayers. I knew then that you were just going to do what I’d been praying about. You were going to sing for God.”

  Ethan pushed back the moisture in his eyes, refusing to let go of his emotions in front of the little tower of strength and courage that lay in front of him. There was no doubt in Ethan’s mind that Ben’s faith in him had been the turning point in his life. Ethan thought back to all those times in Fairhope when he’d feel this tug, like something inwardly pulling him to learn more about God and His word. He knew now that it was all because of Ben. God was answering Ben’s prayers and it had changed Ethan’s life forever.

  “Thanks, big guy,” Ethan said. “I think you just might be my hero now.”

  Ben grinned big, but exhaustion was creeping back into his eyes. Ethan could tell that the medicine was starting to kick in.

  “So how long are you staying?” Ben asked, trying to stifle a yawn.

  “Actually, I go back tonight,” Ethan replied. “My plane leaves at seven.”

  “But you could stay and hang out with me?” Ben said.

  Ethan wanted so badly to take Ben up on that offer and to hang out with him every chance he could get until it was too late, but Ben wasn’t his brother and it wasn’t his place to monopolize all of Ben’s time.

  “I can’t stay, Ben.”

  The understanding in Ben’s eyes far surpassed his age. “Because of my sister?”

  “It’s just . . . complicated,” Ethan replied.

  “She really liked you, you know. She always acts sad when someone says your name.” Ben sighed a little.

  It was all Ethan could do to not ask little Ben a million questions about his sister, but this time was not about her. This
time was for him and Ben. A time of reconciliation. A time of redemption. But there was one question he had to ask.

  “Does she know?” Ethan asked. “About me getting baptized? About me switching to Christian music?”

  Ben gave a slight shrug. “I don’t think so. The radio in mom and dad’s car broke down a while back and she didn’t have the money to fix it. And every time I try to show her videos of you online, she gets all quiet and goes to her room. She won’t even let me show her pictures.”

  That was all Ethan needed to hear. Obviously, Alaina was still upset with him. He’d really done it good this time. The girl he loved wouldn’t even look at his picture.

  “I wish you and my sister were still together,” Ben said, his eyes becoming heavier and heavier with each breath. “She was so happy. She’s never happy anymore.”

  Ethan sat back in the recliner and stared at the ceiling. How could a simple conversation with a little kid possibly stir up so many emotions inside of a single person? Ethan turned his head slowly and met Ben’s bright blue eyes. “What do you want Ben? What would make you happy?”

  Ben looked thoughtful for a moment, but then answered with words that Ethan would never forget. The most selfless thing that could have ever came from a child’s mouth. Ethan only hoped that he would one day become the kind of man that Ben had already turned out to be.

  “I want Alaina to be happy,” Ben said. “I don’t want her to have to work all the time because I never get to see her. She’s always tired. She cries at night. She thinks I don’t hear her, but I do.”

  “That’s really nice, Ben”

  A calm silence fell between them and eventually Ben rolled a little to his side and reached for something that was stuffed beneath his pillow. When he pulled it out, a lump formed in the back of Ethan’s throat.