Another Fine Myth ma-1

by Robert Lynn Asprin

  With agonizing effort, I raised my head and found myself gazing into a pair of yellow eyes, flecked with gold, that were not of this world.

  Chapter Two

  Things are not always as they seem.

  Mandrake

  ONCE, in the woods, I found myself face to face with a snake-cat. On another occasion, I encountered a spiderbear. Now, faced with a demon, I decided to pattern my behavior after that which had saved me in the aforementioned situations. I froze. At least, in hindsight, I like to think it was a deliberate, calculated act.

  The demon curled its lips back, revealing a double row of needle-sharp teeth.

  I considered changing my chosen course of action; I considered fainting.

  The demon ran a purple tongue over his lips and began to slowly extend a taloned hand toward me. That did it! I went backward, not in a catlike graceful bound, but scrabbling on all fours. It's surprising how fast you can move that way when properly inspired. I managed to build up a substantial head of steam before I crashed head-first into the wall.

  "Gaahh…." I said. It may not seem like much, but at the time it was the calmest expression of pain and terror I could think of.

  At my outburst, the demon seemed to choke. Several ragged shouts erupted, then he began to laugh. It wasn't a low menacing laugh, but the wholehearted enthusiastic laughter of someone who has just seen something hysterically funny.

  I found it both disquieting and annoying. Annoying because I had a growing suspicion I was the source of his amusement; disquieting because… well… he was a demon and demons are….

  "Cold, vicious, and blood thirsty," the demon gasped as if he had read my thoughts. "You really bought the whole line, didn't you, kid?"

  "I beg your pardon?" I said because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

  "Something wrong with your ears? I said 'cold, vicious….' "

  "I heard you. I meant what did you mean."

  "What I meant was that you were scared stiff, by a few well chosen words from my esteemed colleague, I'll wager." He jerked a thumb at Garkin's body. "Sorry for the dramatics. I felt a touch of comic relief was necessary to lighten an otherwise tragic moment."

  "Comic relief?"

  "Well, actually, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. You should have seen your face."

  He chuckled to himself as he strode out of the pentagram and began leisurely inspecting the premises.

  "So this is Garkin's new place, huh? What a dump. Who would have thought he'd come to this?"

  To say I was perplexed would be an understatement. I wasn't sure how a demon should act, but it wasn't like this.

  I could have bolted for the door, but I did not seem to be in immediate danger. Either this strange being meant me no harm, or he was confident of his ability to stop me even if I tried to flee. For the sake of my nervous system, I decided to assume the former.

  The demon continued to inspect the hut, while I inspected him. He was humanoid; that is, he had two arms, two legs, and a head. He was short but powerfully built, a bit broader across the shoulders than a man, and heavily muscled, but he wasn't human. I mean, you don't see many hairless humans with dark green scales covering their body and pointed ears lying flat against their head.

  I decided to risk a question.

  "Ah, excuse me."

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "Um, you are a demon, aren't you?"

  "Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess you could say I am."

  "Well, if you don't mind my asking, why don't you act like a demon?"

  The demon shot me a disgusted look, then turned his head heavenward in a gesture of martyrdom.

  "Everybody's a critic. Tell ya what, kid, would you be happier if I tore your throat out with my teeth?"

  "Well, no, but…."

  "For that matter, who are you, anyway? Are you an innocent bystander, or did you come with the assassin?"

  "I'm with him," I hastened to reply, pointing a shaky finger at Garkin's body. That bit about tearing my throat out had me on edge again. "Or at least I was. Garkin. The one who summoned… him!… I'm… I was his student."

  "No kiddin'? Garkin's apprentice?" He began advancing toward me, reaching out a hand, "Pleased ta… what's wrong?"

  As he moved toward me, I had started backing away from him. I tried to do it casually, but he had noticed.

  "Well… it's… you are a demon."

  "Yeah. So?"

  "Um… well, demons are supposed to be…."

  "Hey, relax, kid. I don't bite. Look, I'm an old buddy of Garkin's."

  "I thought you said you were a demon?"

  "That's right. I'm from another dimension. A dimension traveler, or demon for short. Get it?"

  "What's a dimension?"

  The demon scowled.

  "Are you sure you're Garkin's apprentice? I mean, he hasn't told you anything at all about dimensions?"

  "No," I answered. "I mean, yes, I'm his apprentice, but he never said anything about the demon-suns."

  "That's dimensions," he corrected. "Well, a dimension is another world, actually one of several worlds, existing simultaneously with this one, but on different planes. Follow me?"

  "No," I admitted.

  "Well, just accept that I'm from another world. Now, in that world, I'm a magician just like Garkin. We had an exchange program going where we could summon each other across the barrier to impress our respective apprentices."

  "I thought you said you were a demon," I said suspiciously.

  "I am'. Look, kid. In my world, you'd be a demon, but at the current moment I'm in yours, so I'm a demon."

  "I thought you said you were a magician."

  "I don't believe this!" The demon made his angry appeal to the heavens. "I'm standing here arguing with some twerp of an apprentice…. Look, kid."

  He fixed me with his gaze again.

  "Let me try it this way. Are you going to shake my hand, or am I going to rip your heart out?"

  Since he put it that way… I mean, for a minute there, when he lost his temper and started shouting, he sounded just like Garkin. It gave credibility to his claim of friendship with my ex-teacher. I took his extended hand and shook it cautiously.

  "I'm…. My name is Skeeve."

  His grip was cold, but firm. So firm in fact that I found it impossible to reclaim my hand as rapidly as I would have liked.

  "Pleased ta meetcha, kid. I'm Aahz."

  "Oz?"

  "No relation."

  "No relation to what?" I asked, but he was examining the room again.

  "Well, there's certainly nothing here to arouse the greedy side of his fellow beings. Early primitive, enduring, but not particularly sought after."

  "We like it," I said, rather stiffly. Now that I was over being scared, I didn't like the sneer in his voice. The hut wasn't much and I certainly wasn't overly fond of it, but I resented his criticism.

  "Don't get your back up, kid." Aahz said easily. "I'm looking for a motive, that's all."

  "Motive?"

  "A reason for someone to off old Garkin. I'm not big on vengeance, but he was a drinking buddy of mine and it's got my curiosity up."

  He broke off his inspection of the room to address me directly.

  "How about you, kid? Can you think of anything? Any milkmaids he's seduced or farmers he's cheated? You've got an interest in this too, you know. You might be the next target."

  "But the guy who did it is dead." I gestured to the charred lump by the door. "Doesn't that finish it?"

  "Wake up, kid. Didn't you see the gold cloak? That was a professional assassin. Somebody hired him, and that somebody would hire another one."

  A chill ran down my spine. I hadn't really thought of that. I began to search my memory for a clue.

  "Well… he said Isstvan sent him."

  "What's an Isstvan?"

  "I don't… wait a minute. What do you mean, I might be the next target?"

  "Neat, huh?" Aahz was holding up the gold cloak. "Lined, and completely reversibl
e. Always wondered how come no one noticed them until they were ready to pounce."

  "Aahz…."

  "Hmmm? Oh, didn't mean to scare you. It's just if someone's declared open season on magicians in general or Garkin specifically, you might have some…. Hello, what's this?"

  "What's what?" I asked, trying to get a look at what he had found.

  "This," he said, holding his prize aloft. "It seems I'm not the only demon about."

  It was a head, apparently the assassin's. It was badly charred, with bone showing in several places. My natural revulsion at the sight was compounded by several obvious features. The chin and ears of the head were unnaturally pointed, and there were two short, blunt, horns protruding from the forehead.

  "A devil!" I exclaimed in horror.

  "A what? Oh, a Deveel. No, it's not from Deva, it's from Imper. An Imp. Didn't Garkin teach you anything?"

  "Come again?" I asked, but Aahz was busy scowling at the head.

  "The question is, who would be crass enough to hire an Imp for an assassin? The only one I can think of is Isstvan, but that's impossible."

  "But that's who did it. Don't you remember? I told you…."

  "I thought you said 'Isstvan.'"

  "I did! Wait a minute. What did you say?"

  "I said Isstvan. Can't you tell the difference?"

  "No," I admitted.

  "Hmmm… must be too subtle for the human ear to detect. Oh, well. No matter. This changes everything. If Isstvan is up to his old tricks there's no time to lose. Hey! Wait a minute. What's this?"

  "It's a cross bow," I observed.

  "With heat-seeking armor-piercing quarrels? Is that the norm in this world?"

  "Heat-seeking…."

  "Never mind, kid. I didn't think so. Well, that tears it. I'd better check this out quick."

  He began to stride into the pentagram. I suddenly realized he was preparing to leave.

  "Hey! Wait a minute! What's going on?"

  "It would take too long to explain, kid. Maybe I'll see you again sometime."

  "But you said I might be a target!"

  "Yeah, well, that's the way it crumbles. Tell ya what.

  Start running and maybe they won't find you until it's over."

  My head was awhirl. Things were happening far too fast for clear thought. I still didn't know what or who the demon was or if I should trust him, but I did know one thing. He was the nearest thing to an ally I had in a situation where I was clearly outclassed.

  "Couldn't you help me?"

  "No time. I've got to move."

  "Couldn't I come with you?"

  "You'd just get in the way, maybe even get me killed."

  "But without you. I'll be killed!" I was getting desperate, but Aahz was unimpressed. "Probably not. Tell ya what, kid. I've really got to get going, but just to show you I think you'll survive, I'll show you a little trick you might use sometime. You see all this crud Garkin used to bring me across the barrier? Well, it's not necessary. Watch close and I'll show you how we do it when our apprentices aren't watching."

  I wanted to shout, to make him stop and listen to me, but he had already started. He spread his arms at shoulder height, looked heavenward, took a deep breath, then clapped his hands.

  Nothing happened.

  Chapter Three

  The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends!

  Macbeth

  AAHZ scowled and repeated the gesture, a bit quicker this time.

  The scene remained unchanged.

  I decided something was wrong.

  "Is something wrong?" I asked politely.

  "You'd better believe there's something wrong," Aahz snarled. "It's not working."

  "Are you sure you're doing it right?"

  "Yes, I'm sure I'm doing it right, just like I've been sure the last fifty times I did it!"

  He was starting to sound annoyed.

  "Can you…."

  "Look, kid. If I knew what was wrong, I'd have fixed it already. Now, just shut up and let me think!"

  He sank down to sit cross-legged in the center of the pentagram where he began sketching vague patterns in the floor as he mumbled darkly to himself. I wasn't sure if he was trying some alternate incantation or was simply thinking hard, but decided it would be unwise to ask. Instead, I used the time to organize my scrambled thoughts.

  I still wasn't sure if Aahz was a threat to me or if he was my only possible salvation from a greater threat. I mean, by this time I was pretty sure he was kidding about ripping my heart out, but that's the sort of thing one wants to be very sure of. One thing I had learned for certain, there was more to this magik stuff than floating feathers around.

  "That's got to be it!"

  Aahz was on his feet again, glaring at Garkin's body.

  "That ill-begot son of a wombat!"

  "What's a wombat?" I asked, then immediately wished I hadn't. The mental image that sprang into my mind was so horrifying I was sure I didn't want details. I needn't have worried. Aahz was not about to take time to answer me.

  "Well, it's a pretty crummy joke. That's all I have to say."

  "Urn…. What are you talking about, Aahz?"

  "I'm talking about Garkin! He did this to me. If I thought it would go this far, I would have turned him into a goat-fish when I had the chance."

  "Aahz…. I still don't…."

  I stopped. He had ceased his ranting and was looking at me. I shrank back reflexively before I recognized the snarl as his smile. I liked it better when he was raving.

  "I'm sorry, Skeeve," he purred. "I guess I haven't been very clear."

  I was growing more uneasy by the minute. I wasn't used to having people, much less demons, being nice to me.

  "Um…. That's okay. I was just wondering…."

  "You see, the situation is this. Garkin and I have been… playing little jokes on each other for some time now. It started one time when we were drinking and he stiffed me with the bill. Well, the next time I summoned him, I brought him in over a lake and he had to do his demon act armpit deep in water. He got even by… well, I won't bore you with details, but we've gotten in the habit of putting each other in awkward or embarrassing situations. It's really very childish, but quite harmless. But this time…." Aahz's eyes started to narrow, "But this time the old frog-kissers gone too… I mean, it seems to have gotten a little out of hand. Don't you agree?"

  He bared his fangs at me again in a smile. I wanted very badly to agree with him, but I didn't have the foggiest idea what he was talking about.

  "You still haven't told me what's wrong."

  "What's wrong is that stinking slime-monger took away my powers!" he roared, forgetting his composure. "I'm blocked! I can't do a flaming thing unless he removes his stupid prankish spell and he can't 'cause he's dead! Now do you understand me, fly-bait?"

  I made up my mind. Savior or not, I'd rather he went back where he came from.

  "Well, if there was anything I could do…."

  "There is, Skeeve, my boy." Aahz was suddenly all purrs and teeth again. "All you have to do is fire up the old cauldron or whatever and remove this spell. Then we can each go our separate ways and…."

  "I can't do that."

  "Okay, kid," his smile was a little more forced. "I'll stick around until you're on your feet. I mean, what are friends for?"

  "That's not it."

  "What do you want? Blood?" Aahz was no longer smiling. "If you're trying to hold me up, I'll…."

  "You don't understand!" I interrupted desperately. "I can't do it because I can't do it! I don't know how!"

  That stopped him.

  "Hmm. That could be a problem. Well, tell you what. Instead of pulling the spell here, what say you just pop me back to my own dimension and I'll get someone there to take it off."

  "I can't do that either. Remember, I told you I'd never even heard of…."

  "Well. what can you do?!"

  "I can levitate objects… well, small objects."

&nbs
p; "And…." he encouraged.

  "And… urn… I can light a candle."

  "Light a candle?"

  "Well… almost."

  Aahz sank heavily into a chair and hid his face in his hands for several minutes. I waited for him to think of something.

  "Kid, have you got anything in this dump to drink?" he asked finally.

  "I'll get you some water."

  "I said something to drink, not something to wash in!"

  "Oh. Yessir!"

  I hastened to bring him a goblet of wine from the small keg Garkin kept, hoping he wouldn't notice the vessel wasn't particularly clean.

  "What will this do? Will it help you put your powers back?"

  "No. But it might make me feel a little better." He tossed the wine down in one swallow, and studied the goblet disdainfully. "Is this the biggest container you've got?"

  I cast about the room desperately, but Aahz was way ahead of me.

  He rose, strode into the pentagram, and picked up the brazier. I knew from past experience it was deceptively heavy, but he carried it to the keg as if it were weightless. Not bothering to empty out Garkin's concoction, he filled it to the brim and took a deep draught.

  "Aah! That's better." He sighed.

  I felt a little queasy.

  "Well, kid," he said, sweeping me with an appraising stare, "it looks like we're stuck with each other. The setup isn't ideal, but it's what we've got. Time to bite the bullet and play the cards we're dealt. You do know what cards are, don't you?"

  "Of course," I said, slightly wounded.

  "Good."

  "What's a bullet?"

  Aahz closed his eyes as if struggling against some inner turmoil.

  "Kid," he said at last, "there's a good chance this partnership is going to drive one of us crazy. I would guess it will be me unless you can knock off the dum-dum questions every other sentence."

  "But I can't understand half of what you're saying."

  "Hmm. Tell ya what. Try to save up the questions and ask me all at one time once a day. Okay?"

  "I'll try."

  "Right. Now here's the situation as I see it. If Isstvan is hiring Imps for assassins…."