Another Fine Myth ma-1

by Robert Lynn Asprin

  Tanda giggled rudely.

  "I know that," Aahz barked. "I mean what is he doing here?"

  Suddenly I was hesitant to supply the whole story.

  "There are lots of dragons at the Bazaar, Aahz," I mumbled, not looking at him. "In fact, there's a stall just down the way that…."

  "What is that dragon doing here?!"

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, rubbing his head against my chest.

  "Urn… he's mine," I admitted.

  "Yours?" Aahz bellowed. "I told you to look at the dragons, not buy one!"

  "But Aahz…."

  "What are we going to do with a dragon?"

  "I got a good deal on him," I chimed hopefully.

  "What did you say. kid?"

  "I said I got a good deal…."

  "From a Deveel?"

  "Oh. I see what you mean."

  "C'mon. Let's have it. What were the terms of this fantastic deal?"

  "Well… I… that is…."

  "Out with it!"

  "I traded Quigley's pendant for him."

  "Quigley's pendant? The one that sees through spells? You traded a good magical pendant for a half-grown dragon?"

  "Oh, give him a break, Aahz," Tanda interrupted. "What do you expect letting him wander off alone that way? You're lucky he didn't get stuck with half the tourist crud on Deva! Where were you all this time, anyway?"

  "Well… I was… urn…."

  "Don't tell me," she said, holding up a hand. "If I know you, you were either chasing a girl or stuffing your face, right?"

  "She's got you there, Aahz," I commented.

  "Shut up, kid."

  "… so don't get down on Skeeve here. Compared to what could have happened to him, he didn't do half bad. How did you find us. anyway?"

  "I listened for the sounds of a fight and followed it," Aahz admitted.

  "See! You were expecting him to get into trouble. Might I point out he was doing just fine before you barged in. He and his dragon had those thugs treed all by themselves. He's pretty handy with that magik, you know."

  "I know," Aahz responded proudly. "I taught him."

  "Gee, thanks, Aahz."

  "Shut up, kid."

  "Gleep," said the dragon, craning his neck around to look at Aahz upside down.

  "A dragon, huh?" Aahz said, studying the dragon more thoughtfully.

  "He might help us against Isstvan," I suggested hopefully.

  "Isstvan?" Tanda asked quizzically.

  "Yeah," Aahz replied. "You remember him, don't you? Well, he's up to his old tricks, this time on Klah."

  "So that's what's going on, huh? Well, what are we going to do about it?"

  "We?" I asked, surprised.

  "Sure," she smiled. "This racket is a bit low class, like Aahz says. I might as well tag along with you two for a while… if you don't mind, that is."

  "Terrific!" I said, and meant it for a change.

  "Not so fast, Tanda," Aahz cautioned. "There are a few details you haven't been filled in on yet."

  "Such as?"

  "Such as I've lost my powers."

  "No fooling? Gee, that's tough."

  "That means we'll be relying on the kid here to give us cover in the magik department."

  "All the more reason for me to come along. I've picked up a few tricks myself."

  "I know," Aahz leered.

  "Not like that," she said, punching him in the side. "I mean magik tricks."

  "Even so, it's not going to be easy."

  "C'mon, Aahz," Tanda chided. "Are you trying to say it wouldn't be helpful having a trained Assassin on your side?"

  "Well… it could give us a bit of an advantage," Aahz admitted.

  "Good! Then it's settled. What do we do first?"

  "There're some stalls just around the corner that carry weapons," I suggested. "We could…."

  "Relax, kid. I've already taken care of that."

  "You have?" I asked, surprised.

  "Yeah. I found just what we need over in the practical jokes section. I was just looking for you before we headed back."

  "Then we're ready to go?" Tanda asked.

  "Yep," Aahz nodded, fishing the D-Hopper out of his shirt.

  "What about my dragon?"

  "What about him?"

  "Are we going to take him with us?"

  "Of course we're going to take him with us. We don't leave anything of value behind."

  "Gleep!" said the dragon.

  "… and he must be valuable to someone!" Aahz finished, glaring at the dragon.

  He pressed the button on the D-Hopper. The Bazaar wavered and faded… and we were back in Frumple's shop… sort of.

  "Interesting place you've got here," Tanda commented dryly. "Did you do the decor?"

  All that was left of Frumple's shop was a burnt-out shell.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is to be achieved.

  D. Vader

  "WHAT happened?" I demanded of Aahz.

  "Hey, kid. I was on Deva, too. Remember?"

  "Urn… hey, guys. I hate to interrupt," Tanda interrupted, "but shouldn't something be done about disguises?"

  She was right. Being on Deva had made me forget the mundane necessities of our existence. I ignored Aahz's sarcastic reply and set to work.

  Aahz returned to his now traditional Garkin disguise. Tanda was fine once I changed her complexion and the color of her hair. After a bit of thought, I disguised Gleep as the war unicorn. It was a bit risky, but it would do as long as he kept his mouth shut. Me, I left as myself. I mean, what the heck. Tanda liked my looks the way they were.

  Fortunately the sun wasn't up yet, so there weren't any people about to witness the transformation.

  "Say, handsome," Tanda commented, observing the results of my work, "you're a pretty handy guy to have around."

  "His name's Skeeve," Aahz grumbled.

  "Whatever." Tanda murmured. "He's got style."

  She snuggled up to me.

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, pressing his head against my other side.

  I was starting to feel awfully popular.

  "If you can spare a few minutes, kid," Aahz commented dryly, "we do have a mission, remember?"

  "That's right," I said, forcing my attention away from Tanda's advances. "What do you think happened to Frumple?"

  "Either the citizens of Twixt got wise to him, or he's off to tell Isstvan we're coming, would be my two guesses."

  "Who's Frumple?" Tanda asked.

  "Hmm? Oh, he's the resident Deveel," Aahz said. "He's the one who helped us get to the Bazaar."

  "… at sword point," I added sarcastically.

  "What's a Deveel doing here?"

  "All we know is that rumor has it he was barred from Deva," I told her.

  "Hmm… sounds like a bit of a nasty character."

  "Well, he won't win any popularity contests."

  "It occurs to me," Aahz interrupted, "that if either of my two guesses are correct, we'd best be on our way. Time seems to be running out."

  "Right," agreed Tanda. "Which way is Isstvan?"

  "First, we've got to pick up Quigley," I inserted.

  "Why?" asked Aahz. "Oh, I suppose you're right, kid. We're going to need all the help we can muster."

  "Who's Quigley?" Tanda asked.

  "Later, Tanda," Aahz insisted. "First help us see if there's anything here worth salvaging."

  Unfortunately, there wasn't. In fact, there weren't even the charred remains of anything left for our discovery. Even the garish sword I had left behind seemed to have vanished.

  "That settles it," Aahz commented grimly as we completed our search. "He's on his way to Isstvan."

  "The natives might have taken the sword after they burned the place," I suggested hopefully.

  "No way, kid. Even yokels like these wouldn't bother with a crummy sword like that."

  "It was that bad?" Tanda asked.

  "It was that
bad," Aahz assured her firmly.

  "If it was that worthless, why would Frumple take it with him?" I asked.

  "For the same reason we've been lugging it around," Aahz said pointedly. "There's always some sucker to unload it on for a profit. Remember Quigley?"

  "Who's Quigley?" Tanda insisted.

  "Well," sighed Aahz, "at the moment he's a statue, but in duller times he's a demon hunter."

  "Swell," she commented sarcastically. "Just what we need."

  "Wait until you meet him," Aahz rolled his eyes and sighed. "Oh well, let's go."

  Our departure from Twixt was blissfully uneventful. On the road, we rehearsed our story until, by the time we finally dug up Quigley and sprinkled him with the restoring power, we were ready to present a united front.

  "Really? Turned to stone, you say?" he said, brushing the dirt from his clothes.

  "Yes," Aahz assured him. "They were looting your body when we launched our counterattack. It's lucky for you we decided to come back and fight at your side."

  "And they took my magik sword and my amulet?"

  I felt a little uneasy on those subjects, but Aahz never batted an eye.

  "That's right, the blaggards'" he snarled. "We tried to stop them, but they eluded us."

  "Well, at least they didn't get my war unicorn," muttered the demon hunter.

  "Urn…." I said, bracing myself for my part in this charade. "We've got some bad news about that, too."

  "Bad news?" Quigley frowned, "I don't understand. I can see the beast with my own eyes and he seems fit enough."

  "Oh, he's fine physically," Aahz reassured him. "but before they disappeared, the demons put a spell on him."

  "A spell?"

  "Yes." I said. "Now he… urn… well… he thinks he's a dragon."

  "A dragon?" Quigley exclaimed.

  "Gleep!" said the dragon.

  "And that's not all," Aahz continued. "The beast was so wild at first that only through the continued efforts of my squire here were we able to gentle him at all. Frankly, I was for putting the poor animal out of its misery, but he insisted he could tame it and you see before you the results of his patient teachings."

  "That's wonderful!" exclaimed Quigley.

  "No. That's terrible," corrected Aahz. "You see, in the process, your animal has formed a strong attachment for my squire… stronger, I fear, than his attachment for you."

  "Hah! Ridiculous," Quigley proclaimed. "But I do feel I owe you an additional debt of gratitude, lad. If there's ever anything I can…"

  He began to advance on me with his hand extended. In a flash, Gleep was between us, head down and hissing.

  Quigley froze, his eyes bulging with surprise. "Stop that!" I ordered, cuffing the dragon.

  "Gleep!" said the dragon, slinking back to his place behind me.

  "See what I mean?" Aahz said pointedly.

  "Hnun…." Quigley mumbled thoughtfully.

  "That's strange, he never defended me that way."

  "I guess we'll just have to buy him from you," I said eagerly.

  "Buy him?" Quigley turned his attention to me again.

  Aahz tried to catch my eye, shaking his head emphatically, but I ignored him.

  "That's right," I continued. "He's no good to you this way, and since we're sort of to blame for what happened to him…."

  "Think nothing of it, lad." Quigley drew himself up proudly. "I give him to you as a gift. After all, if it weren't for you he'd be dead anyway, and so would I, for that matter."

  "But…"

  "No! I will hear nothing more." The demon hunter held up a restraining hand. "The matter is closed. Treat him well, lad. He's a good animal."

  "Terrific," muttered Aahz.

  "Gleep," said the dragon.

  I felt miserable. It had occurred to me that our plans involved taking shameless advantage of Quigley's gullibility. As he was my only fellow Klahd in this adventure, I had wanted to force Aahz into giving him some money under the guise of buying the "war unicorn." It would have salved my conscience a bit, but Quigley's generosity and sense of fair play had ruined my plan. Now I felt worse than before.

  "Actually, Quigley," Aahz smiled, "If there's anyone you should thank, it should be Tananda here. If it were not for her, we would be in dire straits indeed."

  "It's about time," mumbled Tanda, obviously unimpressed with Aahz's rhetoric.

  "Charmed, milady," Quigley smiled, taking her hand to kiss.

  "She's a witch," added Aahz casually.

  "A witch?" Quigley dropped her hand as if it had bitten him.

  "That's right, sugar," Tanda smiled, batting her eyes at him.

  "Perhaps I should explain," Aahz interrupted mercifully. "Tananda here has certain powers she has consented to use in support of our war on demons. You already noticed I have regained my normal appearance?"

  Another blatant lie. Aahz was currently disguised as Garkin.

  "Yes," the demon hunter admitted hesitantly.

  "Tananda's work," Aahz confided. "Just as it was her powers that restored you after you had been turned to stone."

  "Hmmm…." Quigley said, looking at Tanda again.

  "Really, you must realize, Quigley, that when one fights demons, sometimes it is helpful to employ a demon's weapons," Aahz admonished gently.

  "Tananda here can be a powerful ally… and frankly, I find your attitude toward her deplorable and ungrateful."

  "Forgive me, milady," Quigley sighed, stepping up to her again. "I did not mean to offend you. It's just that… well… I've had some bad experiences with those who associate with demons."

  "Think nothing of it, sugar," said Tanda the demon, taking his hand, "And call me Tanda."

  While they were occupied with each other, I seized the opportunity and snagged Aahz's arm.

  "Hm? What is it, kid?"

  "Give him back his sword!" I hissed.

  "What? No way, kid. By my count he's still got five pieces of gold left. I'll sell it to him."

  "But he gave us his unicorn."

  "He gave us a dragon… your dragon! I fail to see anything benevolent in that."

  "Look, Aahz. Either you give him that sword or you can work your own magik! Get me?"

  "Talk about ingratitude! Look kid, if you…."

  "Aahz!" Tanda's voice interrupted our dispute. "Come help me convince Quigley to join our mission."

  "Would that I could, milady," Quigley sighed, "but I would be of little help. This late misfortune has left me afoot, weaponless, and penniless."

  "Actually," Aahz chimed, "you still have five…."

  I interrupted him with an elbow in his ribs.

  "What was that, Aahz?" Quigley asked.

  "Aah… my… um… squire and I were just discussing that and we have reached a decision. So… um… so fine a warrior should not be left so destitute, so… um… we…."

  "We've decided to give you back your sword," I announced proudly.

  "Really?" Quigley's face lit up.

  "I didn't know you had it in you, Aahz," Tanda smiled sweetly.

  "I say, this is comradeship indeed." Quigley was obviously beside himself with joy. "How can I ever repay you?"

  "By never mentioning this to anyone," Aahz growled.

  "How's that again?"

  "I said don't mention it," Aahz amended. "It's the least we can do."

  "Believe him," I smiled.

  "Now I will gladly assist you on your mission," Quigley answered. "Why, with a weapon and good comrades, what more could a warrior ask for?"

  "Money," Aahz said bluntly.

  "Oh Aahz." Tanda punched him a little too hard for it to be playful. "You're such a kidder."

  "Don't you want to know what the mission is?" I asked Quigley.

  "Oh, yes, I suppose you're right, lad. Forgive me. I was carried away by my enthusiasm."

  "Tell him, Skeeve," prompted Tanda.

  "Actually," I said, with a sudden flash of diplomacy, "Aahz explains it much better than I do."

&n
bsp; "It's really quite simple," mumbled Aahz, still sulking a bit. "We're going after Isstvan."

  "Isstvan?" Quigley looked puzzled. "The harmless old inn-keeper?"

  "Harmless? Harmless, did you say?" Aahz took the bait. "Quigley, as one demon hunter to another, you've got a lot to learn."

  "I do all right for myself."

  "Sure you do. That's why you got turned to stone, remember?"

  "I got turned to stone because I put my faith in a magik sword that…."

  Things were back to normal.

  "Gentlemen, gentlemen," I interrupted. "We were talking about the upcoming mission."

  "Right, kid. As I was saying, Quigley, that harmless old inn-keeper is working so closely with demons I wouldn't be surprised to learn he was one himself."

  "Impossible!" scoffed Quigley. "Why, the man sent me out hunting for demons."

  "Ahh!" smiled Aahz. "Therein lies the story." I caught Tanda's eyes and winked. She smiled back at me and nodded. This might take a while, but as of now Quigley was in the bag!

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  This is another fine myth you've gotten me into!

  Lor L. and Har D.

  THERE was something there in the shadows. I could sense its presence more than see it. It was dark and serpentine… and it was watching me. I was alone. I didn't know where the others had gone, but I knew they were counting on me. "Who's there? "I called. The voice that came back to me out of the darkness echoed hollowly.

  "I am Isstvan, Skeeve. I've been waiting for you."

  "You know who I am?" I asked, surprised.

  "I know all about you and your friends. I've known all along what you're trying to do."

  I tried to set wards about me, but I couldn't find a force line. I tried to run, but I was rooted to the spot. "See how my powers dwarf yours? And you expected to challenge me."

  I tried to fight back a wave of despair.

  "Wait until the others come," I cried defiantly.

  "They already have," the voice boomed. "Look!"

  Two objects came rolling at me out of the darkness. I saw with horror that they were heads! Tanda's and Quigley's!

  I felt ill, but clung to a shred of hope. There was still no sign of Aahz. If he was still at large, we might….

  "Don't look to your Pervert for help," the voice answered my thoughts. "I've dealt with him too."