“You’re right. I’m sorry. How’s Lennie doing?”
“Much better, thank you for asking.”
“I think you two should come over for dinner again.” I groan. “I promise it won’t be like last time. I won’t lie and say that Lennie is the woman I would have chosen for you, but if she’s the one you want to be with, then I’ll accept that.”
Acceptance is a gift not everyone will give.
Lennie didn’t have that with her parents. At least not when she was younger, and even now after spending years feeling second best to my family, my mother openly accepted Lennie into my life.
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll talk to Lennie and get back to you about dinner.”
“Wonderful. Have a good day, sweetheart.”
“You too, Mom.”
I walk back into my room and look down at Lennie, who’s still passed out in bed. I accept Lennie exactly the way she is, but she’s been programmed to believe otherwise. If I want to break through to her, I’ve got to get her to truly believe I want her exactly the way she is.
***
“MY APPOINTMENT WILL BE BORING. Why don’t you stick around here and get some work done? I was thinking about going down to the shelter and checking in with Carla afterward, anyway.”
“I don’t mind stopping by the shelter. I’ll even walk a few dogs with you.”
Lennie chews on her lip, struggling to come up with something else to say. “These kinds of appointments take forever. Really, you’ll end up wasting your whole day.”
“Lennie, I want to come with you, so stop making up excuses for me to stay home.”
Her face falls, but she quickly turns to hide her reaction.
“Hey.” I walk up and wrap my arms around her from behind. “Are you expecting to hear some type of bad news?” Lennie tightens in my arms, which instantly sets my nerves on edge. “What’s the matter, what’s going on?”
Lennie pulls out of my arms and turns to look at me. Tears are pooling in her eyes. “Lennie, please. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I can’t have kids.”
My eyes narrow as I wait for her to say something more. “I know that. That’s why we aren’t using condoms and you’re not on the pill. Now why don’t you tell me the real problem?”
“That is the real problem!” she shouts as tears officially pour down her face.
“But you already knew you couldn’t have kids, so why is that a problem now?”
Lennie lets out a fake laugh, and it’s clear I’m missing something.
“I was told when I was sixteen the odds of me getting pregnant were next to nothing.” Lennie blows out a long breath. “I was sixteen, Tyler. I didn’t want a baby. I was still convinced that I was going to die in the near future, therefore babies and a family of my own weren’t on my radar. It’s never been on my radar.”
My chest tightens knowing exactly where her head is at.
“Do you want that now? Is that why you’re suddenly upset?”
“I don’t know,” she sadly says as her tears continue. “But I know I can’t ask you to give that up.”
“What?” I start shaking my head as I take a step closer. “You aren’t asking me to give up anything.”
“That’s not true and you know it. When you look at Amber and Brandon’s kids you already wonder what life would be like if they were yours. Even if you’re willing to give that up now, you’ll regret it in ten years, and I can’t stand the thought of being the one who kept you from something that important.”
My throat has gone dry as I try my best to force the anger I’m feeling down. “I want you, just you, and that means I’ll take you any way you come.”
The heartbreak and agony in her eyes are clear as day. She loves me, but right now, that’s not enough.
“Acceptance is a gift I’m willing to give. You can’t have kids? Fine, we won’t have any. You want kids? That’s fine, too. We’ll adopt a litter of them. You want to move every three months? We’ll do that, too. Just don’t throw in the towel on what we have because you think I’m giving up anything to be with you. You changed my life, Lennie Jacobs, and now I can’t picture my life without you.”
A new wave of panic crosses her face. “No, whatever we had is over. You need to move on because I’ll be leaving soon...without you.”
Without another glance in my direction, she darts out of my apartment door. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like when Amber called off our wedding, but that’s nothing compared to how I’m feeling right now.
I didn’t fight for Amber because honestly I didn’t feel I had anything to fight for, but that’s not the same now. I love Lennie, but I don’t know if I have what it takes to keep her.
“WELL, IF IT ISN’T MY long lost friend.” Carla’s smile fades when she doesn’t get the reaction she was hoping for. “What’s going on, sweetheart? Anything you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping to get in some dog therapy.”
Like always, Carla doesn’t push the issue. “Most of them have been walked already but none of them will complain about getting out a second time.”
“Thanks, Carla.” I walk down to the kennel Maddy was in only to find a new arrival, a small black and white dog that looks scared. Slowly, I open the kennel and step inside.
The dog scatters as far away from me as it can get. “Believe me, I understand the feeling.”
The dog turns its head away from me as I very slowly inch my way closer.
“It’s okay. You can trust me.”
“She might say the same thing to you.” I jump when I hear Carla’s voice behind me.
“You and this dog have a lot in common.”
I take a deep breath, but I keep my eyes locked on the dog as Carla continues talking. “Trust isn’t always easy to find, and it’s even harder once someone has let you down.”
I keep my eyes locked on the dog. “Who has let you down, sweetheart?”
Everyone—with the exception of Tyler—but Carla doesn’t know that because I haven’t told her anything about myself.
“I think I remember trusting my dad when I was really little. But my memories are foggy.”
“That’s a long time to go without trusting someone. What about that beefcake that’s always hanging around you? What has he done to make you not trust him?”
My chest hurts with the memory of Tyler’s face when I told him we were over. “It’s not a matter of trust with Tyler.” I scoot an inch closer to the dog. “I can’t offer him everything he deserves.”
“What does Tyler deserve that you don’t?”
This time I allow my gaze to meet Carla’s. “I can’t have children.”
Carla’s expression softens. “A lot of people can’t have children, myself included.” My eyes widen with shock.
“I was told by more than one doctor that it would be a miracle if I lived to see fifty,” I add.
“My husband died in a car accident when I was only forty-five, and if I had to do it over again, I’d marry him in a second,” she counters.
“Oh God, Carla. I’m so sorry.”
Carla gives me a meaningful smile. “It’s been almost ten years since his death and I still love him as much today as the day I said I do.” I glance back at the dog as I scoot even closer. “We don’t choose love, love chooses us, and when that happens, you have to stop fighting and embrace the gift you’re given.”
I reach my hand out and softly place it on the dog’s head. The dog still seems wry but it’s allowing me to touch her.
“I’ve always lived for today. I’m not sure how to live for tomorrow.”
“Everyone should live for today because tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, Lennie, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a life worth living.” I look back at Carla. “When you first walked through that door, you had a haunted expression on your face, but every day since I’ve seen it slowly slip away. If that man is the reason, then grab ahold of him and cherish every moment you’re given.”
My hand stops petting the dog and seconds later, I hear a small whimper as the dog presses its head against my hand.
“Like always, you managed to win her heart over in only a matter of minutes. No wonder that boy didn’t stand a chance around you.”
A laugh somehow escapes, and for reasons I’m still unsure of, I feel a thousand times better than when I showed up here.
“I think I need to go see someone,” I say as I push up to my feet. The dog instantly starts jumping on my legs. “What’s her name?”
“She doesn’t have one, but I think Maddy is a good name.” My heart drops as I process her comment.
“I can’t name her that. I already named the other dog Maddy.”
Carla fixes me with a look. “It was time for the other Maddy to move on, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room in your heart for more.”
My eyes fill with tears for the second time in a matter of hours. We both know Carla isn’t talking about a dog, and somehow, no matter how hard it is to accept, I know she’s right.
I know without hesitation that Maddy would be pissed if I wasn’t enjoying my life.
“Don’t allow anyone to adopt this dog. I’ll be back.”
“Certainly.”
“And Carla?” I take a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“No, dear, thank you.” I smile and nod my head in silence before racing out of the shelter.
***
I WALK UP TO THE door and knock. Already, my palms feel clammy. The urge to run has returned, but instead of giving in, I force myself to stay put.
“Oh, Lennie, I didn’t know you were stopping by.” Mom pulls me into a hug. “You said you’d call after your appointment, but I’m delighted that you decided to come by instead.”
“I’m actually here to see Dad.”
Mom’s eyes widen. “Oh. He’s in his office.”
Mom steps back and a frown appears on her face. In ten years I haven’t asked to see my dad, therefore she’s bracing for the worst.
“Thanks, Mom.” I turn and walk down the hall, and without knocking, I walk in to find my dad at his desk.
He looks up and jerks his head when he spots me. “Lennie. What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry.”
His eyes widen. I watch as his throat moves as he loudly swallows. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat as I close the distance from the door to his desk.
“Sorry for what?” he sputters.
“Everything,” I state as I take a seat across from him.
“I have these memories, or maybe they’re dreams, but either way, I remember thinking I was going to grow up and marry you someday. I think I remember following you around and crying for days when you left for a business trip.” I can see some of the tension drain from his shoulders. “But then those memories get mixed with being told I had to take treatments that made me feel awful.” My father’s eyes painfully close.
“I remember crying and begging anyone who would listen that I didn’t want any more medicine and it was your voice I heard first telling me I didn’t have a choice. I think that was the first time I questioned if you actually loved me.”
My dad’s hands are on his desk and his knuckles are almost white from making a fist.
“But it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t understand that then, just like you couldn’t understand the new Lennie. After years of either being sick or waiting for it to happen again, neither one of us were the same. You became harsh and I became wild, and that didn’t make for a good combination.”
His eyes are roaming my face. “I don’t know if I would have turned out more like Jodi if I hadn’t gotten sick, but I know living around death every day for as long as I did changed me. I can’t do this.” I wave a hand towards his desk and all the papers he has in front of him. “And I never will,” I add. When he doesn’t say anything, I decide to continue.
“But I still love you, and I know now I never stopped. I was a crappy teenager and I blamed you for protecting Jodi and not me when I shouldn’t have, and for that I’m sorry.” I slowly stand up.
“I will always be this person standing before you, someone who will never work a serious respectable job, someone who will more than likely continue to travel the world. Someone who most definitely will get more tattoos, and I’ll do all of that because it’s who I am. I hope one day you’ll learn to love and accept me exactly the way I am.”
I turn and start making my way to the door when he calls out my name. I turn back to see he’s already on the other side of his desk. “You always were and always will be my little girl.” Within two strides, he has me wrapped up in a tight hug.
“I’m so damn sorry. All I ever wanted to do was protect you, and somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that.”
Being in my dad’s arms is more peaceful than my memories, and until this exact moment, I didn’t realize how much I was truly missing in life without his comfort.
“You’re forgiven. I just want to start over if you can accept that.”
My dad squeezes me even tighter. “Absolutely, Lennie, absolutely.” I’ve waited a long time to feel accepted by my dad, and while he might not like everything I do, I hope and pray this is the beginning we both desperately need.
I’M NOT GIVING UP ON LENNIE, but I am giving her space. If I’ve learned anything where she’s concerned, it’s not to back her into a corner. And, truthfully, after she left, I sat down and really thought about what she said.
I don’t ever remember having a desperate need for children, but I’ve never ruled out the idea, either. When I was with Amber, she talked about having three or four, therefore I figured I’d have three or four kids. After Amber, I didn’t even want a relationship, let alone children.
Now only a few years away from thirty, outside of Lennie, I’m not sure what I want, but I know whatever life gives me I want to be standing next to Lennie.
Minutes turn into hours, and I find myself desperate to set my eyes on her again. She must have had some idea what the doctor was going to tell her today, but it kills me that she went through that alone. I’m staring at the apartment door, still trying to talk myself out of walking across the hall, when Lennie breezes in with a smile on her face.
“Are you already done working because I know just the place I want to take you.”
I blink several times, trying to process her carefree attitude. When she left here, the last thing I expected was for her to breeze back in hours later, acting like nothing was wrong.
“You want to take me somewhere?”
Her smile slips for only a second, but it’s enough for me to know she’s trying her best to appear confident. “Yes, if you’re willing to come with me.”
My eyes take her in from head to toe. This woman does something to me I’ve never felt before. I should be pissed at her for running off earlier, but I know she was scared and reacting the only way she knew how.
“I’m willing to go with you.” Her lip twitches as she holds out her hand, which I gladly take. We walk down to the parking lot out to her car.
“I’m driving.”
I cock an eye at her. Lennie’s driving skills are seriously lacking, but I keep my mouth shut. An awkward silence takes over as we drive close to thirty minutes to the Dallas Cancer Treatment Center.
“I think to really understand me you need to visit the place that forever changed my life.”
Lennie stares at the hospital, lost in her own thoughts. “Show me.” When she looks back over at me, her eyes are glassy.
We walk hand in hand through the main doors. “The first time I walked through those doors, I thought I was at the place miracles happen. I was still filled with an innocence that quickly dissolved.”
With our hands still connected, we ride up the elevator to the fifth floor, which happens to be the children’s ward.
“It’s hard to understand and process death when you’re only a kid. But it’s easier to understand here.” Lenni
e starts walking down a hall until we see a set of closed doors.
“You can’t get passed these doors without special permission, but the second you walk past them, you can smell it. You can smell death in the air.”
Her eyes are locked on the door in front of us. “After a while, I started to wonder what I was being punished for. Why I had to lie in a bed all day. Why my medicines made me feel worse, not better. Why no one would listen to me when I begged to go home.”
Lennie turns towards me and the somber look on her face completely guts me. I want to pull her into my arms, but she’s opening up to me and I’m not about to cut her off.
“I accepted that I was going to die, and when that didn’t happen, I never figured out how to accept that I might actually live.”
“Acceptance is a gift not everyone is willing to give,” I say the words that she branded on her body.
“I’ve spent the last ten years waiting to die, but thanks to you, I’m ready to accept the life I’m lucky enough to have in front of me. I’m ready to live, and if I get my wish, I’ll get to do that with you.”
My shoulders sag with relief as I tilt Lennie’s head back. “I want you, Lennie, and I want all the pieces that make you the woman I fell in love with.” I lean forward and take her mouth with mine. Our kiss turns heated within seconds before I abruptly pull away.
“Marry me.” Lennie’s eyes flash. “Marry me and make every day from here on out a new adventure. One we’ll take together.”
Her eyes start to water again, but this time her mouth turns up in a beautiful smile.
“Yes,” she whispers.
“I promise you a lifetime full of excitement.”
Lennie chuckles. “And I’m more than willing to accept a nice, dull life as long as it includes you.”
I never in a million years expected a crazy woman asking for oil to change my life, but she did, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I OPEN MY HUSBAND’S OFFICE door to see him working away at his computer. “Hey, you got a second?”
Tyler looks up with a smile on his face. “I always have time for you.”
Meeting The Unpredictable Page 23
