She pats my face before I leave. “You’re a good man. There’s not that many left today. My Hubert was a good man like you.” Her voice turned wistful. Like she was remembering him. I honestly doubt he was like me. But I don’t tell her that.
I give her a smile. “Thanks. Thank you for everything.” I turn for the door. Her voice follows me out. “Hope you don’t end up like my Hubert. He went out in a blaze of glory. The only way he wanted it.” her voice was sad.
I didn’t turn, but I did respond. “That’s the only way someone like me can go out.” Not waiting for her to say anything I climb onto my bike and head back to the clubhouse to my Ella. The drive was clarifying.
I now understood this was my path. I needed her to understand that if I never come back. Stopping at a store I buy a few envelopes and a pen. I wanted her to know everything was what it was. I wanted her to understand that if this was my end that I went out right.
I get back onto my bike and drive to the park. Sitting there at the picnic table I lay it all out on paper. What I want her to know. I feel a jab in my chest. Like my heart skipped painfully. Rubbing my chest, I frown at it. If this mission doesn’t do me in, then apparently, my heart would.
I would give this letter to Axel with instructions on when to give it to her. I hope she never needs to read this letter. That I will come back and burn it and only two people will know of its existence. I would have a nice laugh at my close call and move on with my life.
I picture showing her our house. The puppy as it licked her face. The beautiful smile she would give. Watching her shop to fill our house. Cooking in our kitchen. So many things. So many things I may never see. Never experience with her.
I even see her round with our child. A nursery she painstakingly selected everything for. I pictured myself setting up the crib. Little feet pounding on the floors as the child ran through our house. So many things I never thought I wanted.
Seems to be staring me in the face. The reality, I may never have this with her. I could be leaving her with nothing but a cold house and a puppy. Was I really doing the right thing here? Then my mind shifts to the images of Emilia and Lucy crammed into dog crates.
All those women terrified and naked. Bruised and defeated. As much as I want this future with Ella. This is something I can’t live with. I need to finish this. Beau needed us. Those women need us.
Closing the envelope my resolve set like a stone. I close off the wants and wishes. I let those die a long time ago. Time to put them back where they belong. In the void. I needed to be death. The man with a heart of ice.
I’ll let Ella have the Jace I can be. But when it’s time I’ll be the Jace I was always meant to be. The Jace I always was. The man with no heart. Sighing, I climb onto my bike. Tucking the envelope into my saddle bag I head home. To my only home Ella.
Chapter 15
Ella
Stretching I reach across the bed and come up empty handed. Clutching at air. I sit up and look at the empty spot next to me. The cold empty spot next to me. I have a moment as fear slithers over me. Did he leave? Then I remember he said three days.
Jace is many things, but a liar isn’t one of them. My shoulders slump. I wanted to wake up with him, maybe snuggle up to his chest and just be. Every moment is precious. I know this now. I understand this now.
I would look at people and think they have all the time in the world. Now I get why they mauled each other. The constant need to touch. For tomorrow is never certain. Our tomorrow wasn’t certain. I know I have two more days, but it feels like minutes.
Like every second that ticks by is a nail in our coffin. I fell in love with a man whose life is never certain. Yet I sat there and thought it would be forever. I could get mad and close myself off. I feel like an idiot.
All those moments wasted. Pulling myself together, I get dressed. There are many moments to come where I can sit and wallow in self-pity. Berate myself for being so stupid. Stuffing the lid on those feelings I walk out of the room in search of Jace.
The man who stole my heart and is sure to destroy it. I’ve been asleep for hours. Axel and Tessa are sitting at a table in the main room. Brandon is sitting at the bar. For once not snarling and glaring at me. Guess even he has taken pity on me.
Tessa’s smile is a weak one. Even my friend fights to make me feel better. Axel doesn’t look me in the eye. I know he wants to go. That Jace could stay if Axel went. But the kids and Tessa needed my brother.
It would be selfish to ask him to go so Jace could stay. Sitting down at the table I look at my brother. “It’s okay Axel. I know this is how it has to be.” I say quietly. Refusing to look away even though I want to go find a hole to climb into. Maybe even pull some dirt over my head.
He looks so sad. I didn’t think about how anyone else would feel. They all grew up with and cared for Jace. “Jesse is going with him. Brandon is staying behind.” Axel says quietly. “Brandon will be looking after you Ella.”
I start to protest. Not because I cared for him. No, I didn’t want to face the man I projected feelings on. Feeling for another man. A man who has gone to great lengths to share his displeasure about Jace and I. I look at Brandon. His expression was blank.
“Jace will kill him Ella if he steps out of line and Brandon knows it.” Axel says firmly. “You need to deal with it. Brandon will be watching you. Please don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be.”
Jace will kill him if he comes back. I thought to myself. Jace may never step foot in those doors again after he leaves in a few days. My heart constricts slightly. The wall is still protecting it. This just shows me how much I really love him.
I watch him walk through the doors. His stride was long. He gives Axel a look. Speaking without words, something these boys could do. I never was able to figure out what they were saying or how to do it myself.
His eyes shift to me. Determination was clear to see. I thought he was going to rip me from my seat and carry me off. But instead he sits down next to me. His hand wraps around my neck and he caresses it gently.
Leaning into him sucking up all that affection. Sucking up all the feelings. I felt like a sponge. A desperate sponge. My body relaxes slightly. His touch is like magic. What will I do without him? He said he doesn’t know how long he’s going to be gone.
Feeling suddenly very tired. I place my head onto his shoulder and close my eyes. I sniff him quietly. Hoping no, one hears me. I want to remember how he smells. Leather, wind, cologne and Jace. I fight back the tears. It’s really hard to do.
I’m so tired. I know I just woke up. But I feel drained. I try to stay awake, not wanting to lose a moment with him. He scoops me up into his arms. Placing me onto his lap. I feel his lips press into my head.
Sleep claims me. My dreams are nightmares. Nightmares of Jace bleeding out on the ground. His life draining from him. Of a man dragging me away. Blood all over my body. I wake up screaming. Jace flies from the bed gun in hand, looking around the room.
When he realizes it’s just us he looks at me. The tears are flowing down my face in rivers. My chest feels tight. Like a band was constricting it. Large, loud sobs echo around the room. Coming from me, I realize.
Jace looks grave as he climbs back into the bed. Reaching for me, I throw myself at him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding me close. “It’s okay baby. You're okay.” He whispers into my hair. No. No, it's not okay. I don’t think it will ever be okay.
I can feel it. I’m losing him. And I’m powerless to stop it. No matter how hard I try. No matter how much I wish. This. This right here is all I have. Grabbing at him desperately. I feel almost like I’m grabbing at a cloud.
You wish you could touch it, hold it, keep it. But you can’t. It will forever be too far out of reach. This is my life with Jace. Forever out of reach. Forever wishing and never receiving. I kiss his chest. Rubbing my hands on his back. I let him rock me to sleep. All the while he whispers it will be okay to me.
Darkness consumes me aga
in. But I’m safe here in Jace’s arms. The nightmares stay in the shadows. I’m swallowed into nothingness.
Chapter 16
Ella
The last two days have passed in a blur. A whirlwind of moments. I stand in our room looking at Jace. He’s sitting on our bed, staring right back at me. My eyes feel huge. I know they reflect the sadness that has dug deep into my soul.
I watch him reach for me and I’m powerless to stop him. Not that I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms. To feel safe. To pretend this was a dream and I was going to wake up beside him.
I wish I could say I would wake up every day for the rest of my life beside him. But I can’t there was a real chance this was the last time I would lay beside him. The last night I will close my eyes and feel him behind me. Wrapped around me.
He tugs me into his lap. Both my legs on either side of his. Face to face I stare at him. Categorizing all the details. The shape of his eyes, the stubble on his chin, the way his lips tilt slightly when he looks at me, just everything Jace.
My Jace. His hands cup my face the same hands that has caused so much destruction. The very same hands that maim and kill. Those very hands are so very gentle as he leans in and kisses my lips. This I realize is my goodbye. Our last night together.
The walls I so painstakingly erected around my heart take a hit. I feel the shrapnel spread out and stick into the wall. I feel a ripple of pain as it spreads through me. Like throwing a rock into the lake. The water where it enters starts a small ripple that spreads out the further it goes from the impact site.
I close my eyes in pain. It hurts. It hurts so bad. His kisses are gentle. He takes little sips from my lips. I fight back the tears. Now was not the time for those. I would have tomorrow, and possibly the rest of my life.
Pushing those thoughts from my mind. I focus solely on Jace. It’s just him and me here. The outside world washes away. There is no tomorrow, no yesterdays. There is just the here and now. Kissing him deeply I cup his face in my hands.
I love this man. I want to show him without words how much he means to me. I want him to leave this room knowing someone loves him. The kind of love that is so completely soul consuming. So, life altering. The never-ending kind of love.
That’s the love I have for him. I feel it burn through my body in its intensity. Almost like it’s imprinted in my DNA. Jace is my world. I need him like the air I breathe. I need him to feel this. I can’t do this without him.
We touch wherever our hands can reach. There was no urgency, no rushing in our exploration. I was tucking away every line, every dip, everything and anything. We made love. We didn’t have sex. This was different this was love making.
I will pretend that he loved me back. That this was us showing that love for each other. Not a goodbye, but a hello. We spent hours touching and tasting. This night will be all I have. At least until he comes back. I fight back the what if’s.
I can’t believe not even for a second that he won't come back to me. Not now and not here. This is our little bubble. Our little cocoon. Nothing bad can touch us here. In this place, I can pretend tomorrow will never come. I fight sleep. I’m not ready for this to be over.
Jace wraps me up in his arms. His body surrounding mine. His touch was gentle and soothing. I feel the darkness, pulling at me. My body feels heavy. As sleep consumes me, I hear Jace whisper. “It will be okay sweetheart.” Then nothingness.
Chapter 17
Jace
Our night together was amazing. I felt it. How she felt about me. Her love was there in every touch. Standing beside the bed. I look down at her. I study every detail of her face. The way her long blond hair was spread out over the pillows.
Her lips parted slightly. The way her long lashes brushed her cheeks. The slope of her nose. I could sit here for hours and stare at her. Looking at the time I realize I have been doing just that. I needed to go. I didn’t want to say goodbye to her.
The words seemed permanent. Like there were no take backs. Ella was mine. I won’t leave her. Not even death can stop me. Grabbing my bag, I walk out of the room. Casting one last look at her before closing the door quietly behind me.
Walking away was hard. My feet felt heavy. Like they were weighted with lead. The walk to my bike took longer than it should have. Leaving her there was hard. I wanted nothing more than to turn back. It was almost like a physical need to go back to her.
Axel was waiting next to my bike. I hand him the letter. “Don’t give this to her unless something goes wrong.” he looks at the letter in his hand then back at me. “I won’t. Don’t make me give this to her Jace.” his voice was firm then pleading.
I don’t want him to give it to her either. But that doesn’t change the possibility. I reach out to give him a handshake. He grabs my hand and pulls me in for a hug. “You better bring your ass back here.” he tells me. I nod. What was there to say to that. I wanted to come back as well.
“Look after her Axel. Whoever that person is sending her shit. Hasn’t stopped.” I tell him. I want to be here for that as well. Her safety was my top priority. But this. This takes precedence over it. Slinging my leg over my bike I start it up and roar out of the lot. I resist the urge to look back.
The drive to Beaus seems so much longer without Ella behind me. Without her arms wrapped around me. There are many moments I just want to turn back. I let myself have one more moment of Ella. One more memory surface.
Then I close up shop. I need to be the real me. The unfeeling killer. The man with a heart of ice. It was a little harder than normal. Trying to bring him to the surface. Ella changed me.
Reaching the Blazing Devils club house, I pull into the lot and park my bike. All the brothers look grim. This shit isn’t to be taken lightly. Using woman and children is abhorrent to us. That is why we must stop this shit.
Emilia was standing next to Beau when I walked in. Her face was grim like all the others. Her very rounded tummy prominent. I watch her rub it gently. I may never have that. Fucking shit. Iceman. Need to be the Iceman. The cold bastard that lay beneath always wanting freedom to rain hell.
Chapter 18
Ella
It has been two months since Jace has left. Contact was few and far between. I could hear his voice, but I could never speak to him. I have been sick for what feels like forever. I finally broke down and bought a test yesterday.
Right now, at this very moment I’m sitting here on the edge of our tub. Staring at this little stick in my hands. More particularly the little lines saying it was positive. I look at the other little sticks scattered on the floor all reading the same thing. Positive.
I’m pregnant. Guess he left me a little something. With that thought my mind tries to go down that path. The path that says he’s not coming back. Something I have refused to consider. But every day that passes it gets harder and harder not to believe just that.
I hear the knocking on the door and my brain goes into overdrive. I don’t want to tell them. Poor Brandon had to take me to the store for tampons I told him. The shudder that ripped through his body was comical.
Brandon for all his asshole behavior has been nice. His face was always blank. Like he needed it that way to keep from being a snarling bastard. The pity I would sometimes see hurt. This is the man who didn’t care enough to stop his ways. The same man who got angry about Jace and myself. Now he looks at me not in anger, but in pity.
Scooping up all the tests I shove them under the sink. The pounding gets louder. Then Brandon shouts. “Ella Axel wants you in his office now.” more pounding. So, irritating. I want to grab the door and bounce it off his head a few times.
“I’m coming.” I shout back. Walking to the door, I throw it open. Stomping past an annoyed Brandon I resist the urge to trip him and give him the bird. The asshole was really starting to get on my nerves. The walk to Axels office was short.
In that time, I have planned Brandon’s demise in multiple ways. The door was open. That was
not normal. He was sitting there waiting for me. Axel had a very serious look on his face. “Ella please come in and sit down.” his voice was gentle.
Brandon closes the door behind me. The soft click as it finds its place has me jumping slightly in my chair. I feel it. This is bad. Very, very bad. Axel picks up an envelope. He looks at it for a moment before looking at me.
“This is for you.” he says and hands me the envelope. With shaky hands, I grab it. Pulling it close, I look down at it. My name was written on the envelope in Jace's masculine script. No. No this isn’t happening.
Please no. If I wasn’t sitting I think I would have collapsed. Axel can’t face me. Standing I walk back to our room. The door closes loudly behind me. It echoes off the walls. I was staring intently at the envelope.
I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to read it. I knew there was no going back from this. The reality of this letter settled on me. My legs are glued to the spot. I can’t even move to sit down. My fingers shake as I turn it over.
Slipping one under the seal, I slid it down the envelope. I listen to it tear. Pulling it open I retrieve the letter inside. The envelope falls to the floor. I watch as it floats down to it. I swear I could hear it hit the floor. My breathing was loud to my own ears.
The blood started to rush through my body. I can’t stop this from happening. My hands move on their own accord. Unfolding the piece of paper. Paper covered in his masculine script.
Ella sweetheart,
I will never say goodbye. You are mine now and always Ella. This changes nothing baby. I fought this fight knowing it could be the end. I walked the path that lead me here. A path I would never change.
The zigzag’s I faced getting here to you for however short was worth this. If you're reading this then my time ran out baby. My only regret in this life is leaving you. I hope one day you can forgive me.
Jace: The Son's Of The Apocalypse MC Page 9
