Allelujah!

by Alan Bennett

  He clenches and unclenches his hand in demonstration.

  A hospital has its own peristalsis in the way that patients are admitted, are treated, recover and move on, or die and don’t. Either way it’s movement. Not stagnation.

  Colin Except if the hospital is like a body and the patients move through, it’s the geriatric wards in particular where patients are more likely to take their leave. Geriatrics is the arsehole of the hospital and patients are the shit.

  Valentine So Whitehall seems to think.

  Colin I am not Whitehall. I am an independent consultant.

  Fletcher comes through, with his patient still in the wheelchair, followed by Ramesh who has got the bed and is indeed pushing his patient in it.

  Fletcher Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  Ramesh (the winner) Finger on the pulse, finger on the pulse.

  They go off.

  Salter comes in, a little flustered.

  Salter Mr Colman, Mr Colman. Mervyn Salter, Chairman of the Trust. Sister Gilchrist put me in the picture. Can you forgive me? Welcome, welcome.

  Valentine, do you know who this is?

  Valentine Mr Colman’s son?

  Salter Yes, yes. Our own Mr Colman. But on the larger stage. A messenger from on high.

  Salter Do you bring news?

  Colin This is a private visit.

  Salter Of course, of course. I understand, only I was hoping you were going to make us all very happy.

  Colin perhaps re-parks his bike.

  (To Valentine.) Why wasn’t I told? But what is he wearing? I thought he was the window cleaner.

  Colin I’m here to see my father. He hasn’t been well.

  Salter Well, of course. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here.

  Valentine Like many ex-miners Mr Colman is suffering from pneumoconiosis and currently has a bladder infection.

  Salter Oh dear.

  Valentine But with the right treatment we’re hopeful he’ll improve.

  Valentine leaves.

  Salter Quite so.

  Valentine Good to meet you.

  Salter Be reassured, Mr Colman. Incidentally, we have splendid new parking facilities for bikes, did Valentine not tell you? CCTV supervision, everything. We don’t want your precious metalwork to come to any harm. Did you come a long way?

  Colin (as if it’s obvious) From London.

  Salter From London! I hope you’ve been offered some tea. Sponsored, were you?

  Colin No, just exercise.

  Salter Because there’s nothing you can tell me about sponsoring, not after our campaign. A new world to me. A revelation. No, a liberation. I surprised myself. Drag, woad, panto. All for the hospital, and these wards in particular.

  Can you see me as Queen Victoria?

  No, I couldn’t. But that was only the beginning. Only everybody was doing it. Knitting, swimming, jogging. Sky-diving, moi! The community owes you a great deal.

  Colin Not me.

  Salter And me personally. Would you believe it, I used to be shy?

  Whatever the outcome, this campaign has brought the whole town together. We need our geriatric wards. We need our hospital. Now it all depends on the Minister.

  Did he seem pleased? Because he loved the choir. And the way we’ve renamed the wards.

  Colin Oh yes. He was over the moon.

  Salter But you weren’t?

  Colin Mr Salter. The notion of a hospital catering for a community from birth to death is a sentimental one. It’s the stuff of television. We do not need these birth-to-death emporiums. And I speak as one who was born here and whose father will, if it survives, die here.

  Salter I don’t remember you from the Inquiry.

  Colin Fortunately for you, I was otherwise engaged, closing down a hospital in Hampshire.

  Salter So where, in your view, are we going wrong?

  We are well run. Efficient. We even make a profit. What else is there?

  Colin Centres of excellence. Specialist units. What does this ‘plucky little hospital’ specialise in?

  Salter It’s not as if we haven’t tried. We put in for a cancer centre but unfortunately Leeds had bagged that, and nothing else has quite the same glamour. Huddersfield had nabbed the kidney and Doncaster, of all places, the liver. Our only available option was dermatology, which nobody was keen on. So perforce, we had to concentrate on being lifelong – which we’d always been – and an all-purpose local hospital. Nursing. Patient care. What people want. And our figures are good. Ward for ward, we are up there with the flagship hospitals.

  Colin Oh, I agree. Your figures are excellent.

  Salter Did you not see all the awards in the foyer?

  You shake your head?

  Colin Small, badly run and in the red, it would undoubtedly close. Efficiently run and meeting its targets, it should close too, because, if it is profitable, why is it not in the private sector? We cannot afford hospitals like this.

  Salter Not if we put the shutters up in Joan Collins and Dusty Springfield we can’t.

  Of course, it’s always touch and go. No beating about the bush – old people are unpredictable. They can’t always be relied on to throw in the towel to order. But we need them. Without these wards, we might not always meet out targets.

  Colin Exactly. So they should go.

  Salter You don’t want us to meet our targets?

  Colin Mr Salter, let me be plain. The State should not be seen to work. If the State is seen to work, we shall never be rid of it.

  Salter I take it the Minister does not share your views?

  Colin On the contrary, he originated them. Why do you think he’s in the job?

  Salter To reprieve the Beth would do him no harm. This is his constituency after all. His majority is, to say the least, precarious. Close it and I wouldn’t vote for him.

  Colin I am not privy to his thoughts but faced with the resistance of the entire community, sky-diving and such like antics, of course he may capitulate.

  I have worked very hard to close this place down. I thought it was in the bag. If he caves in now, it will be heart-breaking.

  Salter I sympathise.

  An eruption of old people singing and dancing.

  MUSIC: ‘Good Morning’ (from Singin’ in the Rain).

  The camera crew comes through and, trailing behind the singers, Mary, who is holding a drip stand. Mary sits in a chair, attended by Valentine.

  Mary If you don’t know the words, they tell you to la-la. I could la-la everything. My whole life could have been la-la.

  Salter takes a seat by Mary.

  I could tell you something about that seat only I won’t.

  Salter gets up again smartish.

  Colin Why the filming?

  Salter It’s part of our campaign. A documentary to commemorate … to flag up, if you like, the survival of the hospital. We figured that the more publicity we had, the harder we would be to close.

  Colin Quite.

  Salter It’ll be shown on Pennine People. Be assured it’s only local.

  Colin There is no such thing as local. The world is local.

  Valentine They’re also here to film the ceremony.

  Colin What ceremony?

  Valentine The presentation of the Bywater Medal to Sister Gilchrist.

  Salter Twenty-five years’ unblemished service.

  Valentine Perhaps Mr Colman would do it?

  Salter Oh. I was hoping that was going to be me.

  Valentine Perhaps Mr Colman could even sing. The choir will be singing. Your father tells me you have a lovely voice.

  Colin My father seems to have told you a good deal.

  Valentine No. Only that you liked singing.

  Colin I did. When I was a boy, he conned me into joining the colliery choir, doing fundraising.

  Salter Were you a miner?

  Colin No. I failed the oral. You should have asked the Minister.

  Salter Why, does he sing?

  Colin No, but he’s a politician. He loves a
ll that … presenting prizes, opening stuff … he’d cross London just to open a jam jar.

  Salter Well you are speaking to an ex-mayor (twice over, did I say). I understand that. One is just happy to be of service.

  Colin cycles off, followed by Salter. Valentine is still with Mary, checks her blood pressure, holds her hand.

  Valentine Mary, you could be a teenager.

  Mary I thought when I was old I’d stop bothering what other folks thought. It’s been the bane of my life has that. Doing what was expected of me. I was a librarian. I looked after my father. I thought when I was old I’d get my own way. Instead of which I got shingles.

  Valentine Do you want a book? The trolley’s about. I’m sure I can find you something.

  Mary No. I can have my own way there at least. No more books.

  Colin is on his mobile, in a corridor.

  Colin George. It’s me.

  Would you believe it, the fucking television’s here.

  God knows. Some local outfit.

  No. Only don’t let on to himself or he’ll want to know why he wasn’t invited.

  Saw a nice-looking lad this morning, pushing my dad around. Longing to get away, you could tell. Me, fifteen years ago.

  Incidentally, do you know what peristalsis means?

  You do? I didn’t.

  Dad? Oh, he’s alright.

  Oh yes, that’s the other thing. I had to help wash him, watch while the nurse bathed his bits.

  Listen, twat face, you forget that I’m a working-class boy. Until today, I had never seen my dad’s dick. Is that a rite of passage, seeing your dad’s dick?

  No.

  Oh, average.

  Yeah. Nothing to write home about. Not that I can imagine any circumstances in which my dad’s dick would be something one would write home about.

  Actually, I might come back. Now he’s not going to peg out, I might as well.

  No, I’ll shove the bike on the train.

  I’d forgotten how much I hate this place.

  Elsewhere Fletcher corners Gilchrist.

  Fletcher What happened to the phone call? I thought we had an understanding.

  Gilchrist It’s not always predictable.

  Fletcher There’s not anything I’m neglecting?

  Gilchrist Such as what?

  Fletcher Chocolates. The occasional bottle. Flowers. I gather Ramesh bunches you from time to time.

  Gilchrist Doesn’t do him any good. They go straight in the bin.

  Fletcher So what do I do?

  He puts his hand on her arm or her bum.

  Gilchrist Not that. Just do your job.

  Fletcher I’m trying to. A bit of advance warning wouldn’t come amiss.

  Gilchrist I don’t know when they’re going to go. I’m not God.

  Fletcher God doesn’t have targets. I’m three from the bottom.

  Gilchrist Not my problem.

  Fletcher Have you no weak spots?

  Gilchrist (removing his hand again) If I do, that’s not one of them.

  All the old people are sitting round, Valentine busying himself with patients, and stroking their hands to reassure them. Gilchrist and Pinkney at work. Cliff and Alex filming.

  Are you feeling more up to this now, Cora?

  Cora I’ve got tummy ache still. I never thought I’d end up in a home.

  Gilchrist You’re not in a home. You’re in hospital.

  Mavis If she’s not well enough, I can have another go. I’ve got lots to say.

  Lucille And I have a wild side, which nobody has ever tapped.

  Mavis Well you’re leaving it a bit late.

  Cora I’ve never done anything with my life. I’ve just been a housewife.

  Pinkney Well that’s not nothing. And isn’t your son in Australia?

  Cora He is.

  Pinkney Well that’s an achievement in itself.

  Cora What I wanted to be was some sort of representative. Abroad preferably.

  Pinkney What could you represent? What could she represent?

  Mavis Cosmetics.

  Lucille Cosmetics: why not reinforced concrete?

  Mavis Don’t be so daft. Concrete.

  Lucille That’s why, Mavis, you are behind the times. Us women can do anything now.

  Joe Yes, and they can keep their mouths shut. I had ten men under me.

  Lucille So did I on a good day.

  Joe I want the lav again.

  One of the nurses wheels him away.

  I wish I could stop going. I’ve got an arse like a sauce bottle top.

  Cliff Cut.

  Neville Cora, which is your bad ear?

  Cora (tapping her knee) This one.

  Neville What sort of pain is it in your tummy? Is it just in the one place? Because I’ve had that.

  And what was it?

  Neville Nerves. It’s always been nerves with me.

  Cora They never tell you, do they? You’d think at this age you’d stop caring, only you don’t.

  Neville No.

  Valentine and Gilchrist leave, Valentine blowing them a kiss.

  Lucille He’s a bit touchy-feely, that Dr Valentine.

  Mavis Is he? I’m used to that, I tend to bring it out in people. Mind you, I don’t mind it. God knows nobody else is doing it.

  Lucille He’s no business holding your hand or stroking your arm. What’s that about? After all, we’re still women.

  Mavis Only just. Dirty Gertie never lays a finger on you except to see if you’ve wet your knickers.

  Mary Well …

  Mavis What, Mary? Spit it out.

  Mary It’s not as if he’s a vicar. They’re supposed to touch you, doctors.

  Lucille Only up to a point.

  Cora He rubs my back sometimes, but it’s only to fetch the wind up.

  Lucille Well, fondling folks, I think he wants reporting.

  Gilchrist Rosemary. Mrs Maudsley, admitted this morning …

  Pinkney Yes? What did I do?

  Gilchrist It’s not what you did. It’s what you didn’t do. That’s what you did. You’re supposed to check.

  Pinkney I was going to. Her daughter said there was no problem.

  Gilchrist She would. She was sodden.

  Pinkney She still has a lovely voice.

  Gilchrist Rosemary. We aren’t running a choral society. I am trying to run a dry ward. The singing is incidental.

  Pinkney I’m sorry, Sister Gilchrist, but I want them to think that life still has something to offer … Singing, games, give them something to look forward to. Give them something else to look forward to.

  Gilchrist Sat in wet clothes, what you look forward to is being dry.

  Baking them birthday cakes, kissing and cuddling them … Maybe I was like that when I first started.

  Pinkney Well, you have your favourites.

  Gilchrist No. I have my unfavourites.

  Pinkney And we all know who they are. On your list.

  Gilchrist My lisr is just a nursing aid. If anybody has a little accident, I want telling.

  Pinkney I thought you didn’t believe in little accidents.

  Gilchrist I don’t. I believe in accident prevention. Catch them in time and you save on laundry bills.

  Maybe some of the old people start to sing softly.

  Pinkney I love them all. Maybe we complement each other. The hard and the soft. Like policemen.

  Gilchrist I don’t know that giving them stuff to look forward to is doing them any favours.

  Singing and what-not … It encourages them to think that life might still have something to offer beyond the next dollop of turkey mince. That there is a world beyond Angel Delight.

  Pinkney I just wish we could have pets. Give them something to stroke, be responsible for. A cat maybe, but babies would be best. Old people love babies, and when they can’t talk, they can still talk to babies.

  Gilchrist Do you know what babies mean to me now? More shit.

  Pinkney rehearses a song with a group of
the old people.

  MUSIC: ‘Sunny Side of the Street’ (Louis Armstrong).

  Colin, now changed out of Lycra, but still with his bike, comes in to say goodbye to Joe.

  Colin I’m glad to see you looking better.

  Joe I don’t want to look better. Look better, they boot you out.

  Colin (looking at his phone) I’m wanted in London. The Minister wants his hand holding.

  Joe He’s not one as well?

  Colin Dad, it’s a figure of speech.

  Threat of a strike.

  Joe Who by?

  Colin Doctors.

  Joe You see, I could help you there. I was a tally man. They want to ask me. I did all that.

  Pickets. Colliery gates.

  Colin Dad, you forget. I’m on the other side.

  Joe Horses? Truncheons out?

  Colin No such luck. Just sitting round a table.

  Joe Holding hands.

  He can sing, you know.

  Colin I never can. Not now.

  Joe You can. He sang in the colliery choir.

  Colin You made me.

  Joe He sang at concerts. He helped raise money.

  Colin Only because you pretended it was a good cause.

  Pinkney Well this is a good cause. Go on. Be a sport.

  Joe Go on, kid. Do it for me. Do it for your mam.

  Colin sings.

  MUSIC: ‘Blow the Wind Southerly’.

  Joe then has a bad attack of coughing which Dr Valentine attends to. Then Gilchrist pulls Colin aside.

  Gilchrist I’d like to run it like a real hospital.

  Colin How do you mean?

  Gilchrist To my mind having a choir is an admission of failure. Patients shouldn’t stick around long enough to make up a choir. This isn’t a home. It’s a hospital. And in a real hospital, better, you’d be discharged. Here half of them have nowhere to be discharged to.

  Colin The community?

  Gilchrist Don’t make me laugh. The council care homes are full and when the private ones aren’t it’s because they charge the earth.

  Colin That’s not really our baby.

  Gilchrist Well, whose baby is it? It’s got to be somebody’s baby. I’d like to be a nurse, not a skivvy. Get folks well, old as they are, and send them out. Make the place work.