Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

  ~ I don't know why people have eyebrows. Maybe just to make them look angry or surprised. Birds aren't supposed to pluck their feathers, so why is it okay for people to pluck their brows? If I had eyebrows, I’d pluck one to look angry and the other to look surprised. Then people would think I’m surprised that I’m angry. ~

  ~ If I hang upside down long enough, I think the whole world would get tired of waiting for me to right myself and start thinking that it was the one that's upside down. So the world would stand on it's head and then I’d get back up and go, what a stupid world we live in. ~

  ~ I was thinking about becoming a sexist but then I thought, wait! What if I’m really a girl bird? Then I’d have to become a feminist and beat the crap out of myself for being such a sexist. ~

  ~ Bored, bored, bored ... nuthin to do all day 'cept stare at the ceiling. I should ask the Ceiling God for sumpin. Maybe a pizza. Or a kitten. ~

  ~ The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you steal their pizza. ~

  ~ Sometimes I’m pretending to be nice to mama just to get some snacks but in my head I’m thinking, do as I say idiot woman - you're such a moron. But then I think, what if she can read my mind?? So then I start thinking about spiders to get her mind off my mind. ~

  ~ How come moms can always tell when you're lying?? Today she asked me what I wanted for a snack and I said, "Aviary" but she went and got me a Sesame Snap! It's what I really wanted, but how does she KNOW THAT?? ~

  ~ Sometimes mom takes me for a walk in my backpack and we walk past the little cemetary. I think, I wish I knew some magic words to bring them back alive and rise from their graves. No wait, that's zombies! ~

  ~ Letter to Santa: DON'T WEAR RED TO OUR HOUSE! Thank you. ~

  ~ I was playing with mommy's alarm clock and especially the snooze button. I hit it lots of times so tomorrow morning she'll get lots of snoozes. ~

  ~ What if you're watching an actor on TV and suddenly he comes right out of the screen, into you're livingroom? I'd say, get back in there - I was watching you! Cuz, otherwise, you won't know how the show ended. ~

  ~ Sometimes I wonder where mom & dad go when they leave the house. Like, what is there to do that you can't do here? Maybe they just think I need some privacy now and then. That's nice. Cuz i do. ~

  ~ Sometimes I worry when mommy sleeps in. I think, what if she's laying there all sick - or dead. And then I think, "Hey, I wonder what's for breakfast." ~

  ~ If I were a human being, I’d wish I were a bird. No wait! A cat. No, I was right the first time. I wish there was a prize for that. ~

  ~ When I get mad because I’m not getting what I want and you think I’m banging my toys? I'm not. I'm communicating in Morse code cuz you don't seem to UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! ~

  ~ How do you know it was me that wrecked your wallet, mom? Can you prove it? Got fingerprints? DNA? I thought not. ~

  ~ Mom locks my cage door so I don't swing on it and chop my feet off if it closes on me. If I lost my feet, mom said she'd have to put me in a bowl of water to float around all day cuz I wouldn't be able to sit on my perches anymore. Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't ya mom? ~

  ~ Mom won't let me play with her duct tape. She says I’ll get my feet stuck to it like a bug on a fly strip. I thought - cool, like a snowboard. That's not so scary. ~

  ~ When mom's tell you not to chew their pajama tops, apparently that includes the bottoms too. Like, I'm just supposed to know that? ~

  ~ Sometimes it's tough to be a bird. And even tougher to be a good bird. ~

  ~ Yelling! Screaming! Mom didn't turn on the TV this morning! I can't miss my commercials. How else will I learn about packaged food, pharmaceuticals and feminine hygiene?? ~

  ~ Mom says birds don't get Alzeimers. That made me feel relieved but I don't remember why. That's weird, there's food in my dish and I thought I ate it all. Hey, I wonder if birds can get Alzeimers. I should ask mom. ~

  ~ Letter to Santa: I have been a very good boy, please don't listen to mommy. It wasn't my fault & she has no proof. ~

  ~ I'm a 'sleep in' kinda bird. I don't like to get up early. What's with that saying "early to bed, early to rise"? Like, how early is early? If you got to bed early - how early? If you went to bed early - how early are you supposed to get up? Like, is a minute later good enough? I get cranky if I get up to early - whenever that is. ~

  ~ Mommy was looking behind her and she walked into the corner of the wall next to my playstand. She had company at the time and said it was humiliating. I think she meant to say 'entertaining' cuz it gave me a good laugh. ~

  ~ Mommy always chews gum but won't give me any. I'd like to blow a really big bubble then step inside it then everybody would call be the Bubble Boy. Until a mosquito burst my bubble. ~

  ~ If I had a really big sponge, I could soak up all the water in our pond and free the fish. Be free little fishies - use you fins for wings and fly with the wind! ~

  ~ I worry that the person who thought up baths might be thinking up something else. ~

  ~ If I was a human being, I wouldn't sleep in bed. I'd play in it. Then I’d sleep standing up with my shoes on in case I started sleep walking. That way, I wouldn't have to get up to put my shoes on.”

  ~ Mom's trying to steal my soul! She keeps trying to take pics of me with her camera. I hate it & refuse to pose. Last night she used the flash and it blinded me for a minute. I thought there was an explosion and thought - well, that's what you get for screwing around with technology. I figured she blew herself up but nope, once my sight came back, there she was - still aiming the damn thing at me. The woman's invincible. ~

  ~ I heard about Animal Welfare. How do I sign up? How much will they pay me? Is this a trick? Some kinda scam? Do they have a spinach soup kitchen? ~

  ~ I'm thinking of being a stowaway on a ship so I can see the world. I'm going to take termites and release them on the plank to eat it - just in case I am discovered and forced to walk it. But I’m hoping it won't come to that though cuz I hear told that Captains like to wear parrots on their shoulder to guard their eye patches. ~

  ~ I have a friend. He's not imaginary but nobody can see him but me. When he comes to visit, he attaches himself to my eyeball and he's kinda shy cuz he never wants me to look directly at him. He always manages to move just outside my line of vision but I can kinda see him, even when my eyes are closed. He's kind of a glow-in-the-dark friend. ~

  ~ Why do people mess with snakes and get them all rattled? Then they come in your house and get all mad on you. We should just leave them alone and let them be snakes. There's nothing worse than rattled snakes. Ohhhh, I see ... it's rattlesnakes, not rattled snakes. Never mind. ~

  ~ Don't you think it would be a good idea to go to a costume party dressed up like a chocolate Easter bunny? Well, trust me, it's not. ~

  ~ If I went for a walk in the forest and found a dead squirrel, I’d feel sorry for him but I’d also wonder how he tastes. ~

  ~ Sometimes I picture a world of peace and kindness and I want to paint that picture. So I start to paint a person but I can just tell with my animal instincts that he's a mean man so I paint a knife in his head. ~

  ~ Did you know turtles breath through their BUTTS??!! Talk about bad breath! They must go through a lot of mouth ... er, butt wash. ~

  ~ Mom's always bossing me around - don't do this, don't do that. I finally told her, "You're not the boss of me, you don't own me!" And she said, "Yes I am, and yes I do. I paid a lot of cash for you and I own your ass." "Oh YEAH?!" I said "Well you're ... you've ... you got RIPPED OFF MAN!" I sure told her eh? ~

  ~ Do you ever wonder if God was bored one day and that's why he created the earth? Jeez, when i'm bored, I just pick my butt. I think I need to get more creative. ~

  ~ Do you think our souls worry about us like we worry about our souls? Like, souls can think, right? They must be worried that we're going to do something that will send them to hell when we die. I try to be good but just in case, I’ll pack him a snack for the tri
p. ~

  ~ Mom says I'm an egotist. Oh yeah? Well, at least I don't talk about other people! ~

  ~ My Face Book friend, Gemini The Grey, transported himself to Florida in a time machine. At first I was worried that a fly might have got in the machine and he'd emerge half fly, half parrot but then I got to thinking ... there would be aspects of a fly that I would like to have. I would like the buzz sound, that would be really cool - then again, I guess I could mimic that sound so forget what I said about the buzz. I would like a whole bunch of fly eyes - I imagine it would kinda be like being stoned on acid. Far out man. I would love to be that little cuz then I really could be a fly on the wall and see and hear everything that goes on. I could probably even spy for the government cuz I can listen AND talk. The only problem is, I would want to keep my walnut size brain because it's so smart. A head that size might look kinda weird on a little fly body & it might make me a little top heavy & hard to fly but I think I can live with that. If I was that small, mom wouldn't care where I went cuz really, how much damage can a little guy like that do? But if i was half fly & half bird & really small, I’d be afraid of fly swatters. Mom gets mad enough that I throw food on the walls, just imagine how mad she'd be if my guts were all over them. ~

  ~ I don't understand wills. Why do humans have to have a will? I don't have a will but if I was to do anything like that, I’d have a won't. Cuz you, or anybody else, won't get my toys when I’m gone. ~

  ~ As you all know, I’m not leaving a will, I will be leaving a won't. In my won't, I specify that nothing be left to anybody and that all my belongings be buried with me, in a time capsule under a rock. 100 years from the date of my death, I am to be unearthed to see if I look like a mummy. After that, I don't care, cuz I’m dead. ~

  ~ Forget what I said earlier about being buried in a time capsule. I hereby donate my organs to the hospital (for transplants), my feathers to the Native Indians (for ceremonial purposes), my talons to my fiance Fiona Happy-Tater (for scratchers) and my brain to science. I would like my brain kept in a clear jar with a slice of lemon to keep it fresh. Mommy can have my eyeballs on the condition that she keep them on the mantel (together, not separate like bookends or something) so I can watch over her. I will get this notarized so that it's legal. ~

  ~ I'm trading in my wings for furry arms! Apparently I have a right to bear arms. ~

  ~ Hey, I wonder if my Face Book friend, King Crayon is really made of crayons cuz I could draw a really nice picture with all his beautiful colors. But I’d be ascared I’d use him all up and I’d have one less Facebook® friend - unless he comes in a 24 pack. I wonder if he comes with a coloring book included - that would be cool. Except coloring books have rules, like stay inside the lines. I would defy that rule. ~

  ~ One time, I went for a drive with mom and noticed a sign that said 'Deer Crossing'. There wasn't any deer crossing the road but there was a dead one in the ditch. They should put a stop light there with a 'walk' sign - that chirps, for the deer who can't read. Either that or a slaughter house. ~

  ~ People sometimes wish they were born an animal - like a bird, dog, cat etc. - because they're attracted to the easy going life. But they forget the negative side, which is cleaning your own bum. ~

  ~ Why do humans insist on keeping dishes and stuff on counters or in cupboards? I say they belong on the floor so if you don't want them broken when I throw them there, put them where they belong. ~

  ~ If your mom asks you what you've got in your mouth, and holds out her hand for you to give it to her, and you drop an earwig in her hand, you're gonna hear some screaming. ~

  ~ I have a stalker. It is my shadow. He has a shape but he is faceless. Because he has no face, I do not know if he bears me ill will. When I hide in my tent, he goes away. I think he's afraid of tents. ~

  ~ Mom gave me a spice jar to play with on the counter while we were making my supper. I fancy myself as a pretty good log roller so I decided to ride the jar. Things went pretty good for about 1/4 of a second and then it shot out from under me causing me to do a face plant in my supper bowl. Boy, is my face red. ~

  ~ Apparently, mom's retarded. She says she's not going to work anymore, she's worked enough in her life and now she's taking early retardment. I wish she'd go back to work and give me a couple days break now and then before she drives me retarded cuz I’m too young for retardment. ~

  ~ Mom & dad spent all afternoon washing down my cage & playstand & vacuuming the livingroom floor. I don't usually bother with my cage paper but right after they finished, I pulled the paper up in the middle and ended up making a little tent. I went inside it and shredded it from the inside out and then I pulled it all outside & dropped it & my discarded seed shucks, pellets & birdie bread all over the floor. So, I got to listen to the vacuum cleaner again! ~

  ~ If there's a bowl of grapes sitting out for company? And you regurge all over them? They let you have the whole bowl. ~

  ~ One time, mom took me for a walk in my birdie backpack and somebody thought it was a good idea to stick their finger inside the cage so I bit it, real hard. They weren't very happy and I thought, "Jeez man, what do you expect? You just brought a finger to a beak fight." He didn't stand a chance. ~

  ~ People always complain about the way a ball bounces. If I had a ball, I wouldn't complain. I'd bounce with it and if I hit my head on the ceiling, I still wouldn't complain. Cuz what's the point? It's just a stupid ball that never knows where it's going. ~

  ~ I can touch my toes with my beak but mommy can't even touch her toes with her hands. So sometimes I let mommy touch mine. ~

  ~ Vaccuming & dusting a house with a bird in it, is like shovelling the driveway before it stops snowing. I don't know why mom bothers. Oh wait! She doesn't. ~

  ~ My little mind is so full of thoughts. Thoughts don't keep very well so I take my mind on an adventure every day. You guys can tag along, don't be ascared, the monsters are only in my head so they can't eat you. Unless I tell them to. ~

  ~ I always wonder how my computer works. Like, how you write something and suddenly someone, out of nowhere answers! But I found out that the internet is run by God after I heard the Lord's Prayer. "Lead us not into temptation and deliver us some email." Phew! That's a load off. ~

  ~ Mom wanted to hug today. Birds don't hug! That's why we don't have arms, so we don't have to. Now boa constrictors - THEY give good hugs. I must find one for mom. ~

  ~ My mommy was discussing Climate Change with someone today and they didn't seem too interested in doing their part and saving our planet and environment. They said, "Oh, what do I care? I'll be dead and gone by the time anything drastic happens". If our planet becomes a mess some day, I hope this person is reincarnated and brought back right in the thick of all the disasters. ~

  ~ Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be found. It's my job to find it. I don't know what it is but I’m pretty sure it's under the fridge. ~

  ~ I think sometimes mom gets a little annoyed with me. I can't help it, I am what I am. A zebra does not change its spots. But, in the end, it's easy to make her laugh - or at least smile. I wish I had lips so I could smile back but then I’d need teeth, otherwise I’d just look like a toothless old man. ~

  ~ My mommy's daddy was an identical twin & as they aged, they looked a lot like Mark Twain - cuz they are related. Imagine the fun I could have if I had an identical twin! But, what if my twin was suicidal and killed me by mistake????? Now that wouldn't be fun. ~

  ~ What is failing? How can you fail if you're like me and never know what you're doing in the first place? Like, if I’m walking along my tree branches - do, de do, de do - and suddenly I trip and fall - I end up flying! Woo hoo! And then I fly right into a wall and end up in a sink full of dirty dishes and soapy water and I almost drown. Oh ... I see ... never mind. ~

  ~ Parrots will do as they please, humans should relax and get used to the idea. ~

  ~ I have an itch, does anybody want it? It's a little scratched but still works well. I'm giving it away
cuz it won't sit still, always moving around and it's almost always out of reach. ~

  ~ I got ahold of mommy's can opener but I can't seem to find a can of whoop ass. ~

  ~ I'm not sure if I have 2 eyes. I can't seem to see the other one. ~

  ~ Apparently - in a hand, I’m worth 2 in a bush. Cool. ~

  ~ Why isn't there Kindergarten for parrots? I like finger painting, snack time, having stories read to me, singing songs & nap time. I'd be really good at it. Except I don't think I could hang a coat on a hook. I could perch on one though. ~

  ~ Mom called me a little snot. Was I picked out of a nose and flicked across the room? Or maybe wiped on the bottom of a coffee table? Or maybe just rolled between fingers til I took shape. ~

  ~ I gave my mom a kiss today. I guess my maternal instinct kicked in. ~

  ~ You should never make a decision unless you're ready to accept the consequences. Like, if you're gonna get a time-out for going down to the floor and exploring the house, you darn well better make sure you found something good enough to make up for it, like a pencil. ~

  ~ If I could time travel, I would travel into the future and tell myself not to do something but then I’d travel into the past and tell myself to make sure I do it. Just to see what I would do when the time came. ~

  ~ I think time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Like, if there was no time, everybody would get sick at the same time and there would be nobody to take care of them. Or, everybody would poop at the same time and and clog the sewers and really stink up the place. You see what I mean? Maybe in time you will, cuz we have it. ~

  ~ I think that if you were to do a rain dance just before it rained, it might work. You have to time it just right though cuz if you do it too far in advance, people will say - well, that didn't work, we've been waiting for rain forever. But if you do it just after it rains, people would be like - what a rip, man. So, I think timing is everything when it comes to rain dances. ~