Absolute Beginners (Absolute #1)

by S. J. Hooks

  “What’s the DL?” I asked.

  “The down low,” Shawn explained. “When you’re keeping something secret. It’s actually a specific term in the gay community for men who sleep with other men secretly because some are scared to come out to their families. There are even guys who are married to women who sleep with men secretly on the side. Pretty messed up, if you ask me. It’s 2014, not 1914, and we live in San Francisco.”

  “Oh,” I said, hoping that Shawn wouldn’t think any less of me now that he knew Julia was my student. “That’s awful.”

  “She is single, right?” he asked pointedly.

  “Um, yeah. She’s not married or anything like that.”

  But I couldn’t get Julia’s relationship status on the Fa—on Facebook—out of my mind. I briefly considered asking my two knowledgeable companions what it might mean, but decided against it. That would reveal that I secretly looked at her profile page. Which I did, a lot.

  And now I’m following her to a club. I’m officially a stalker. What’s next, night vision goggles?

  “Um, so, how should I approach her tonight?” I asked, seeing how we really hadn’t resolved anything.

  “Maybe it’s better if you just act like yourself. I mean, she did sleep with you before when you were all…awkward,” Shawn said.

  My brother groaned. “I still think that casual is the best way to go. You look great tonight and I bet she’ll be all over you the second she sees you. Play hard to get.”

  “But I’m easy,” I said immediately. Both of them laughed.

  “Say that loudly at the club and you’ll definitely get in,” Shawn chuckled. “They’ll put out the welcome mat.”

  I rolled my eyes when I realized what I had actually said.

  “Ha-ha. I just don’t think I can pretend like that,” I admitted. “And I still don’t understand how it helps me if she thinks that I don’t want her. I’m sorry, Matt, but that just doesn’t make any sense to me.”

  “I know what I’m talking about,” he insisted. “Who gets laid more, me or you?”

  “You do,” I grumbled.

  “Yeah, but when was the last time you had a girlfriend?” Shawn asked Matt. “Stephen isn’t just out to get laid. He’s on a mission of love and I think it’s romantic. He’s fighting to win back the woman he loves.”

  I stared at Shawn in the rearview mirror and saw that he was smiling dreamily.

  “Dude, you need a girlfriend,” Matt said to Shawn. “Or a boyfriend. How the hell do you decide, anyway?”

  “I told you,” Shawn said. “It’s about the person. If I meet someone interesting and attractive I don’t care whether it’s a guy or a girl. Hey, pull in at the parking lot.”

  * * *

  Walking the short distance to the club, I could feel my nerves getting the better of me.

  This is probably my only chance to get her back. I can’t screw this up.

  I stopped abruptly outside the entrance, overwhelmed by waves of nausea.

  “Oh God,” I groaned, leaning forward with my hands on my knees. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  The guys stopped next to me and I felt one of them pat my back.

  “Problem?” a deep husky voice asked.

  I looked up and saw the bouncer staring intently at me.

  “He just came out,” Shawn said excitedly. “It’s his first time at a club.” He clapped his hands, doing a pretty convincing impression of a very, very gay man.

  “Ooh, a virgin!” The bouncer grinned. I had no choice but to nod and give the guy a watery smile.

  “It’ll be fine, hon. Take a deep breath, and come on in,” he said. I couldn’t help but appreciate the sincerity in his eyes.

  And just like that, we were past the first hurdle.

  Shawn led us inside and my eyes darted around the room, seeking out the women who were there. Apparently, so did Matt’s.

  “Look at all the hotties!” he boomed, just as a song ended.

  Oh no. We’re busted!

  “Woo!” A group of men sitting nearby lifted their glasses to us.

  “Matt, for the love of all that’s holy, will you please control yourself,” Shawn whispered.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, although it didn’t stop him from ogling the women at the bar.

  “Look, if you do get caught staring—and you probably will,” Shawn said pointedly, “just tell them that you think their outfit is fabulous or something like that.”

  Matt nodded and continued his gawking. There was no way this was going to work.

  Somehow, we made it to the bar without incident, although I did see more than a few men looking appreciatively at me. I suddenly felt very exposed and uncomfortable.

  Is this how women feel at regular clubs? Like a piece of meat?

  “What can I get for you, sugar?” the bartender asked me while looking me up and down.

  Oh God, what should I order? A beer? No, that’s too heterosexual, isn’t it? Some kind of drink? I don’t know any drinks, really. Wine, maybe? Dammit! I should have done research before I came here.

  The bartender was still smiling while I unraveled on the inside.

  “I…I don’t drink a lot. What tastes good?” I finally managed to ask. He licked his lips suggestively and I cringed internally. I didn’t have anything against gay people at all, but I could only imagine what he was thinking after my asinine query.

  “I’ll hook you up, don’t worry,” he said and started pouring different liquors into a blender. After a lot of mixing and adding things he handed me a glass full of paper umbrellas and pieces of fruit. I went for my wallet but he waved it off.

  “It’s on me,” he said.

  “Oh…I, um, thank you?”

  “No problem,” he said before leaning over the bar. “I get off at two and I could be getting you off half an hour later.”

  He…he wants to…oh dear God!

  My face felt like it was on fire and I almost dropped my drink. He winked, turning to Shawn and Matt, who placed their orders. I stared down at my wildly expensive shoes for a while, trying to get my bearings.

  “Dude, this is so unfair!” Matt whined next to me.

  “Huh?” I asked.

  I heard Shawn snicker and focused on my surroundings again. I was gripping my untouched drink, completely frozen on the spot. I looked at the bar and noticed several drinks lined up that I hadn’t ordered.

  “Where did they come from?” I asked.

  “You have quite a few admirers,” Shawn said with a grin, motioning around the bar area. I looked up and saw several men raise their glasses to me.

  “They…bought all those for me?” I asked disbelievingly.

  “Yup. If things don’t work out with Julia, you should seriously think about playing the field. The guys in here are really into you, my friend.”

  I didn’t know how to respond. I had no interest in anyone other than Julia—male or female. But I had to admit the attention was sort of flattering. Matt was pouting and sulking next to Shawn.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked, eager to turn the attention away from me and my apparent appeal to gay men.

  “I didn’t get any drinks,” he muttered.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Well, I thought I looked pretty good tonight.”

  “You’re not gay!” I reminded him in a hushed tone.

  “I know. But I don’t want them to think that I’m not hot,” he defended himself. “I even got my eyebrows waxed, for fuck’s sake! You don’t know the pain I’ve suffered.”

  “Maybe you’re just a little jealous that your brother is the one getting all the attention for a change,” Shawn teased.

  “Oh, please,” he scoffed, not convincingly at all.

  Matt is jealous…of me.

  Mixed with all my nervousness, the notion sounded completely hysterical in my mind. The whole thing was so surreal. I started laughing uncontrollably and Shawn joined in. Matt huffed, but this only made me laugh harder. I
turned my head to wipe my eyes and my laugh turn into a croak.

  She’s here.

  Julia was standing on the edge of the dance floor, staring at me. Her eyes scanned me from head to toe and her mouth opened as if she were about to say something. Sophia and Megan were dancing behind her, but stopped when they noticed that she wasn’t moving. Sophia leaned in to say something and I saw Julia answer without taking her eyes off me. Before I had a chance to approach her, she turned abruptly and ran off. I was about to race after her, but Sophia motioned for me to stay put. She and Megan joined us at the bar.

  “Did she leave?” I asked the second they were within earshot, noticing how panicked my voice sounded.

  “No, she just went to the bathroom,” Sophia assured me.

  I relaxed a little but didn’t take my eyes off the spot where Julia had been standing only seconds earlier.

  “Wow. Thirsty, Stephen?” she asked with a grin, pointing to the drinks on the bar.

  “I didn’t buy those,” I said. “Help yourself.”

  “Then who did?” Megan asked.

  I was surprised that she was even talking to me, considering how angry she had been when I came to her and Sophia for help just a few days ago.

  “Some guys,” I said vaguely. “I can’t drink them. I’m driving.”

  The girls grabbed a beverage each as Matt finally noticed my company. He was at my side immediately.

  “H-Hi, Megan,” he stuttered. “Wow, you look really pretty tonight, like totally beautiful. Can I get you a drink?”

  So much for casual and aloof, huh, Matt?

  She held up the drink that I’d offered her, but I did notice the small smile she granted my brother.

  “Thank you,” she said. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  “I’m just here for my brother,” he said as he gave me a pat on my shoulder. Megan’s smile widened a little. “That’s very decent of you,” she said, making him grin like an idiot.

  I realized that I hadn’t introduced Shawn, but when I turned to him I saw that he was completely entranced by something behind me. Turning around, I noticed that Sophia was staring back at him, just as absorbed. Neither of them said anything. They just looked intently at each other, as if they were having a silent conversation with their eyes.

  Odd. Maybe they’re having a staring contest. Is that a thing these days?

  I looked back to the dance floor, my heart skipping a beat when I saw Julia standing there again. She stared at me with an unreadable expression on her face. She seemed hesitant, as if she were considering whether she should approach me and the rest of the group. I realized that I could never play hard to get. I was hers if she would have me. Slowly, I took a step toward her to see if she was going to bolt, but she held her ground and her stare turned into a leer.

  Please don’t run.

  I had the distinct feeling that the next few moments would be some of the most important in my life. I had to somehow convince her that I wasn’t the asshole that she thought I was. I was a confused lovesick mess who had no experience in this area, but if she would give me another chance I would do whatever I could to make her smile and laugh every day.

  Ignoring the comments from a few men I passed on the way, I took slow steps toward her, focused on her face. My eyes left hers for a second and I finally noticed how incredible she looked tonight. Her hair was stick straight and pulled back in a high ponytail. It looked silky and smooth and I wanted to run my fingers through it. Her eye makeup was the same smudgy stuff as always, and now I actually found myself liking it, because it was so her. She was wearing a red sleeveless top and the tightest pants that I had ever seen. They were black, shiny, and reminded me of the ones that Olivia Newton-John wore in Grease.

  I’m looking at a beautiful woman and thinking of a musical. Shawn would approve, I’m sure.

  She was so beautiful and I wanted her desperately. I had missed her so much and all I wanted to do was grab her, kiss her, and never let go of her again. Her scowl made it pretty clear that this was not an option, though. She was still angry with me and I needed to fix it immediately.

  “Julia,” I breathed out, stopping right in front of her.

  I love you and I’ve missed you like crazy.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she whisper-yelled. “You do realize that this is a gay bar, right? The last time I checked, you liked tits.”

  On cue, my eyes darted down to her chest to admire her breasts in the fitted top. I liked hers, that was for sure, and I even liked her crude word to describe them. It reminded me of the things she would say when we were in bed together. When I looked back up she was smirking a little.

  “Julia, I…”

  “Did you follow me here?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

  “No, I…I mean, we came here because of Shawn. He’s really gay. Like, super gay,” I babbled nervously.

  Julia glanced behind me and her smirk grew. “Is that the guy who has his tongue shoved down Sophia’s throat right now?” she asked with a hint of amusement.

  What?

  I whipped my head around and sure enough, Shawn was mid-liplock with Sophia.

  Damn you, Shawn. We bring you to a gay bar and you decide that you like women tonight?

  “I-I don’t know what to say,” I admitted. “I’m really sorry, Julia.”

  “For what, exactly?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “I’m sorry for lying to you just now,” I started. “I knew that you were coming here tonight. I had to see you to apologize and you weren’t taking my calls.” I drew a breath. “And I’m sorry for writing those awful things on your paper and giving it an F. I never meant for you to see it, and I, well, you see…”

  “Look, it doesn’t matter anymore,” she interrupted. “Apology accepted, OK? Now we can both get on with our lives. No hard feelings, Stephen.”

  “But—”

  She walked past me without a second glance and left me on the edge of the dance floor, feeling like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest. I turned and watched as she said something to her friends and the three of them walked toward the exit. Sophia caught my eye and mouthed “Sorry” before they stepped outside.

  Was that it? Will I never see her again?

  I stumbled over to Shawn and Matt and opened my mouth, but I had no idea what to say.

  “They just went outside for a smoke,” Matt said, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “She’ll be back.”

  While I felt relieved knowing that I would in fact see her again, I didn’t think it would make much of a difference.

  “But…she doesn’t want me anymore,” I half-whispered.

  “Of course she does,” Shawn said, trying to reassure me. “I saw the way she was looking at you.”

  “No,” I moaned. “She accepted my apology and said that now we could get on with our lives.”

  “I’m sure she didn’t mean it,” Matt said, but he didn’t sound very certain.

  “Why don’t you go outside and talk to her?” Shawn suggested. “You can bring her jacket for her.” He held it out to me and smiled at me. “Nothing ventured, right?”

  “OK,” I agreed, taking a deep breath. Armed with Julia’s jacket, I went outside, noticing the girls walking around the corner. I followed them and was about to make my presence known when Sophia’s voice rang out.

  “Come on, Julia. Give the guy another chance!”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because he came to a gay club just to talk to you,” Megan said. “The guy may have acted like an idiot, but that takes balls.”

  “Yeah,” Sophia supplied. “And he even got new clothes and everything. You can’t tell me you don’t think he looks good tonight.”

  There was a pause. I knew that I shouldn’t be eavesdropping but I couldn’t bring myself to walk around the corner just yet. Julia was like a closed book and I just wanted to know her better.

  “He always looks good,” she said quietly. “But i
t doesn’t matter. It’s over.”

  Oh God, no.

  “Why?” Sophia asked. “He apologized and he made sure you got an A.”

  “You don’t understand,” Julia said. “I only want an A if Stephen thinks that I deserve it. He’s the best teacher I’ve ever had and I respect his opinion, you know? I worked so hard on that paper and I thought it was great.”

  “It is great,” Megan interrupted. “I read it, remember?”

  “Yeah, but Stephen didn’t think so, and it made me question my abilities. I can’t let a guy have that kind of power over me.”

  “But he gave it to another professor to grade,” Sophia said.

  “That doesn’t really matter. I mean, if he only did it because I had a bitch fit and called him a jackass or whatever, then I don’t want the new grade.”

  “I think you should let him explain,” Megan said. I was surprised to hear that she was on my side.

  “No, it’s better this way.” Julia said. “A clean break, before someone gets hurt.”

  “I think someone is already hurt,” Sophia said quietly. “Did you see the look on Stephen’s face when we walked outside?”

  There was another pause and I wondered if I had really looked as devastated as I felt after Julia had walked away from me.

  “He likes you, Jules,” Sophia said softly.

  “I know,” she said quietly.

  “And you like him, right? I mean, even with the whole grade debacle.”

  “Of course. I mean, what’s not to like? He’s hot and sweet at the same time. He’s a great cook, a fantastic lay, and he pulled my goddamn chair out for me like we were in a black and white movie. He should have a girlfriend and not a fuck buddy. He should be with that woman he went on a date with.”

  I don’t want her. I want you.

  “But I thought you said he didn’t want to see her again,” Megan asked.

  “No, he said that he didn’t want to see two people at the same time,” Julia corrected. “Now he can see her exclusively and I can get back to my regular routine.”

  “I don’t think he would have come to a gay bar if it didn’t matter to him which of the two of you he’s seeing,” Sophia ventured. “I think you should give him a chance. Not all guys are assholes. You have to let that go, Jules. Stephen treats you right and he really likes you.”