Secrets (Swept Saga)

by Nyx, Becca Lee

  A million phrases run through my head that range anywhere from insult to curiosity. I want to know why and I want to curse at her. The child in me screams and cries, yelling, “It’s not fair!” While the adult in me soothes and says, “Let it roll. She’s pathetic and wants attention. Don’t give in to her. Don’t let her win by acknowledging her behavior. She will be punished in her own time for her mistakes.” I’m torn between which voice I should listen to. If I let it slide, Emily wins no matter what and I look like a pathetic carpet that only exists to be walked on. I need to stand up for myself and let her know she can’t treat me like this, but how?

  Sighing heavily, I walk into a shower stall, undress, and turn on the water. I’ll have to put this on hold and let my thoughts process in the back of my mind. Something will come to me and when it does it will be the right action to take. I need to be smooth about the way I handle it; doing something rash will not show the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be. Then again, I have done things this past week that I never thought I would do; two threesomes in the span of a week? I don’t know if it’s normal or not, but it happened. Surely, I’m not the only one.

  Now with the water just the right temperature; hot enough to scald the uncertainty out of my head, I step under it and let it drench me. Memories flash through my mind, so much has happened that my head feels like it’s spinning. Gabriel and Ryan, where do I even begin, I like them both. I can’t say it’s love, though my body enjoys both of them. I just don’t know enough about Gabriel. He’s too new to me, yet I’m so captivated by him. If I’m ever going to figure out which one is right for me, then I need to get to know him. It’s too bad I have to do it behind Ryan’s back though. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s my friend and I love him as such and I might love him in a different way, but I can’t stop seeing Gabriel. He’s like a mystery to me that must be solved, an enigma. There’s something about him that makes me go wild when I’m around him. How else can I explain the threesomes? I wonder if there will be more.

  I try to stop the whirlwind of thoughts while I wash my head, soap my body and shave. As I rinse away the soap, I realize that I’m really starting over. I’m starting over with Ryan and with Gabriel. This is my chance to really get to know both, provided Gabriel is willing to go along with being secretive. I haven’t had the chance to talk about it yet. This past week has been crazy and I’ve been driven wild by a stranger, but no more will he be strange to me. I am determined to get to know Gabriel Knight no matter what it takes, save my education and studies. That is more important than anything else and I will not give it up for anything or anyone.

  Once I’m clean, I step out of the shower and towel off. I dress and carry my bag to a vanity, well, it’s not really a vanity, more of a long counter with a mirror on the wall, but it serves the same purpose. After plugging in my hair dryer I start work on taming my hair.

  Other girls walk past me and I’m slightly worried that Emily will sneak up behind me. Surely she doesn’t know where I am. My imagination gets lost in the white noise of the hair dryer. I can see Emily approaching me, her hair is wild and her eyes burn with fire. She spits and lunges for me like a lioness lunges in for the kill. I duck out of her way, and Emily crashes into the wall. She looks rabid as she circles me. “He was mine!” She growls. I say something clever and agitating; the kind of thing someone with wit and ingenious timing would think of. She glares at me and lunges again. I move out of her way and she sprawls into another wall, her attack missing me by mere inches. She circles me yet again. “Aren’t you tired of this?” I ask taunting her and letting her know that she’s not winning. “I will never tire, you little bitch!” She spits and starts swinging punches at me. I block them with the ease of a pro fighter. I really don’t want to hit her, but I guess I have to.

  I land a right hook straight into her face and upper cut her with my left fist like a professional boxer. The scene slows, spit is flying from her mouth in detailed droplets, and blood is flying from her nose. I punch her in the stomach and she doubles over with an “oomph” as the wind gets knocked out of her. “Gabriel is with me, you crazy psycho whore!” I yell at her as she lies on the floor. Blood is pouring freely from her nose. She stands up and looks at me with the same hate, but the fire is gone from her eyes. “Are we done here or do I need to continue to get my point across?” I ask. Emily says nothing but walks away like a scared dog with its tail tucked between its legs. I smile in triumph; I have won over the evil Emily. Gabriel is mine forever.

  “Aren’t you that girl, Crystal?” I hear a voice yell, snapping me out of my daydream.

  I turn my hair dryer off. “What?” I ask again although I’m sure I know what she said.

  “Aren’t you that girl, Crystal, Crystal Hamilton?” She asks again.

  I stare at her, I have no idea who she is or how she knows my name. A smirk is on her face and mousey brown hair covers her head. She isn’t what I would consider pretty, but she’s not ugly either. “Why do you ask?” I answer after sizing her up.

  “I saw the flyer.” She says.

  “What about it?” I ask, trying to figure out what compelled her to say anything in the first place.

  “I see you’ve met Emily.” She smiles with what can only be interpreted as a knowing grin.

  “How do you know it was Emily?” I ask, I haven’t said anything to anyone about it, and as far as I know neither has Gabriel.

  “Let’s just say I’ve had a run in with her myself, Tiffany Price.” She says with her arm extended.

  I shake her hand. “How do you know Emily?” I ask her.

  “That would be a long story, much too long and way too complicated to explain right now.” She smirks.

  “I’d love to hear it sometime.” I smile back at her.

  “Perhaps you will. I’m your new roommate!” She announces

  “What? How?” I ask, genuinely shocked.

  “I know some people who know some people that set me up in your dorm, I hope that’s okay.” She says looking at me with concern.

  “No, it’s great. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only person that’s had a run in with Emily.”

  “No, you’re not the only one, and people like us need to stick together if we want to survive the Emily’s of the world.”

  “Great, well Emily is moving her stuff out right now, or so I’ve been told.”

  “I know. I brought her here.” Tiffany smiles and turns. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” She says over her shoulder as she walks away.

  I stand there in shock, mouth open, looking like an idiot. What just happened? Should I be worried about Tiffany? I don’t even know what to think about the conversation, but I’ve got to finish getting ready. Gabriel will be ready for me any minute now and I’ve wasted time daydreaming and talking to Tiffany.

  Tiffany Price, hmm, I think I need to see if Kelly knows anything about her. I want to know who my new roommate is so I’m not caught by surprise again. I dig through my bag, find my phone, and send Kelly a quick text. I let her know who my new roommate is and ask her if she knows anything about her. I’m hoping she does or she can find out.

  I finish getting ready, I’m about to see Gabriel and I want to look good. I check my face and my outfit and decide I look good enough to see in and leave the dorm headed toward the Library. I used the back entrance to make sure I don’t encounter Emily on my way. When I reach the library I’m surprised that I’m early. I guess I didn’t waste that much time after all.

  I didn’t bring anything to study, but I need to occupy my time with something. I skim the shelves, looking for a light read. I pass up the usual nonfiction books and look at the fiction. I’m not in the mood for science or history; I’ve got too much on my mind. A peculiar title catches my eye, “Thoughtless scheming,” I pull the book off the shelf and turn it around to the back. The synopsis is the lyrics to a song I recognize, Thoughtless by Korn. I know the song well and I can hear it in my head as I
read the lyrics. I haven’t thought of that song in a long time. I have a feeling that this book isn’t the light fluffy read I was looking for, but I want to read it. I open the book and start reading, I’m skeptical but soon I’m lost in the story.

  “Crystal.” I hear Gabriel’s voice, I jump and look up. Gabriel is standing in front of me looking sexy as ever.

  “Hey,” I greet with a smile and close the book.

  “You must have been really engrossed; I’ve been saying your name over and over.” He says as I stand up.

  “I’m sorry, and yes I was, it’s a good story so far.”

  “Where do you want to go?” He asks me, and then pulls me in for a kiss.

  “Somewhere where we can talk, you choose,” I smile up at him.

  “I think I know just the place.” He says, lacing his fingers through mine and leading me out the door.

  In the parking lot, I look for his car, but I don’t see it. I feel confused; I thought we were going somewhere. Then Gabriel leads me to a motorcycle. I don’t know anything about motorcycles, but this one had a bright shiny chrome frame, motor and rims and glossy black accents. I stood there with my mouth hanging open. I’ve never been on a motorcycle before and my stomach feels like it’s in my throat. Surely, he doesn’t expect me to climb on and ride with him. This has to be a joke. I try to imagine myself riding on the back of the bike, and I keep imagining the fact that there was nothing between the pavement and my skin. There’s just my jeans and shirt and I’m quite sure they will not win the battle if I were to fall off and slide down the road. If he takes a turn too fast, or if a car pulls out in front of us, or if he brakes the wrong way, it would possibly mean my death. I’m not a risk taker. I don’t think I can survive a motorcycle ride. I’m not ready to die. Gabriel must have seen the terrified look on my face that I’m not trying to hide at all because he crosses the space between us and stands next to me.

  “What wrong?” he asks.

  “I-I didn’t know you ride a motorcycle.” I stammer.

  “Have you ever been on one before?” He asks

  “No,” I murmur and look into his beautiful green eyes.

  He smiles at me. “Then you should at least try it once.”

  “What?” I reply in shock. I’m not getting on that motorcycle.

  “Oh, C’mon don’t act so surprised, I have a helmet for you and you’ll be perfectly safe.” He says and pulls me towards his machine of death. It is oddly pretty, if you can call a death machine that.

  “Gabriel, I don’t want to ride it.” I say and swallow hard. My hands are shaking.

  “Crystal, you need to let go of your fear and give it a try. I promise I won’t go fast and I think you’ll actually like it.” He sooths and gives me a hug. I feel my resolve weaken when he wraps me in a hug, then he pulls my face towards his and kisses me. The last shred of determination I have melts away. I realize that with him I might be safe, besides if he’s going to give me this kind of treatment it may be worth it to ride with him. “Okay,” I whisper. Gabriel smiles at me and places the helmet on my head and adjusts the strap. I watch him put on his own helmet and I want to kick myself. Why did I agree to do this? What is wrong with me? I make terrible choices when I’m with him. He straddles the bike and pats the ever so small space behind him. How am I supposed to ride back there behind him and not fall off? I want to turn around and run away, but I already told him I would ride. I can’t back out now. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and climb on the seat and wrap my arms around Gabriel. If I fall he’s coming with me, it would be both poetic and beautiful, in a morbid way, if we died together.

  Gabriel turns the key and the bike roars to life. The whole bike vibrates underneath me and Gabriel revs the engine. The noise is loud and I can’t imagine how this could possibly be safe. I was about to tell him no again, but before I could I feel the bike move and I screamed as he putted the bike out of the parking lot. I tighten my hold around him and bury my face into his back. I can’t watch. I mustn’t watch. If I do I might faint and fall off the bike. I feel the bike lean and I let out another squeal, I imagine the bike falling over with both of us and I wait for the asphalt to tear my clothes and skin down to my bones as we skid on the rough pavement. I feel Gabriel’s body shake and open an eye, we’re not crashing and we’re riding down the road. I relax my grip on Gabriel. “I told you, you would be fine.” He yells.

  “Yeah, nice and safe until we crash, then what will keep me from dying?” I yell back.

  “A little road rash never hurt anyone.” He yells back.

  “You need to write that down so they can say that at your funeral.” I yell back and I feel the bike speed up.

  “If I die, it won’t be in a motorcycle crash; it will be from something way more intense, like face jumping or sky diving.”

  “Please tell me you don’t.”

  “Oh, yes, I do.”

  “But what if you die?” I ask, trying to imagine myself jumping out of a plane and not knowing if my parachute is going to work or not. My stomach does flip flops and I try to think about something else. Kitties, nice soft fluffy kitties; they’re safe. I can’t die holding a cat.

  “Well, what if I die? We’re all going to die sometime anyway, and at least I can say I’ve lived.”

  I don’t respond. Instead, I let his words roll around in my head and I think about what he’s just said and the depth of it. This is what he considers living? Taking risks? I thought the point of living was to not die and be successful. I’m so careful and focused, have I ever taken time out to have fun? To really enjoy the moment I’m in? In an instant, I realize that I’ve just been surviving life. Here I am on a motorcycle and I’m worried about what will happen when I’m missing the ride along the way. If I were to die right now, what would I remember about my trip to death? I haven’t even looked around, I have possible memories passing by and I’m not taking notice.

  I lift my head, sit up a little taller, and look around. We’re on a road that’s lined with trees. There isn’t a car in sight and the two lane road sprawls out in front of us. The sun shines brightly in the clear blue sky above. Yellow, orange and red leaves sprinkle the road. To my left, a clearing opens up and I can see a lake below. I can see the sky and trees reflected on its surface. I don’t know where we are, but this road is beautiful and if we were in a car I’m not sure if I would have noticed. On the bike I can smell the crisp air, feel the sun, and see every detail that isn’t hidden by the frame of a window. I see now what Gabriel means by living. This experience is living and now I’m wondering what else I’ve been missing out on.

  Enjoying the scenery I begin to develop a new appreciation for the motorcycle. There’s something about it that’s freeing. My stress rolls away and I truly enjoy the ride. Now I’m glad Gabriel made me ride with him. He was right, I do enjoy it and in its own little way it is safe. The bike slows to a stop in a gravel parking lot just off the road. We’re at the lake that I saw earlier in the clearing. I get off the bike, pull at the strap under my chin, and remove the helmet. Gabriel stares at me. “This look is good on you.” He says, and then takes his own helmet off.

  “What look?”

  “You look relaxed; I don’t think you’ve ever looked this relaxed since I met you.”

  “Well, you were right; I did enjoy riding with you.” I smile at him.

  “Next I’ll have to take you sky diving.” He chuckles and pulls me back against him. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek.

  “Don’t push it,” I say and lean my body against his.

  “So what is it you want to talk about?” He asks and lets go of me, takes my hand and starts walking towards the edge of the lake.

  I take a deep breath, and slowly let it out. “I want to talk to you about Ryan.”

  “Oh,” he says and his face darkens.

  “You see, it’s complicated. I’m not sure if I can explain.” I start, and then grimace. I need to find the right words. How do I tell Gabriel I’
m in a relationship with someone else? Will he understand? What if he leaves without me? “What I’m trying to say is, Ryan told me he was going to leave if I didn’t choose him.”

  “So you told him that you want to be with him,” Gabriel finished for me.

  “Yes, but I still don’t know how I feel about him.” I sigh and hang my head.

  “Hey, don’t feel bad, he put you in an unfair position, I understand.”

  I look up at him shocked, “You’re not mad at me?”

  “How could I be mad at you? I told you I wasn’t going to go anywhere and I mean that. I care about you Crystal and I understand why you said what you said to Ryan. He really didn’t give you any other choice. He was asking you to either give up your best friend or keep him by giving him what he wants. However selfish and unfair I find his gesture it doesn’t matter; you did what you felt you had to do.”

  “Well, there’s more.” I say. Gabriel looks sad but waits for me to continue. “He wants me at his beck and call. He wants to do everything for me and he doesn’t want me to see or talk about anyone else.”

  “He wants to control you,” Gabriel surmises.

  “I’m not sure if I would call it control.” I shrug.

  “Crystal, its control and I don’t like it. You’re already so careful and sure of what you want, I don’t think it’s right for him to step in like this.”

  “Gabriel, I still want to be with you.” I blurt.

  “What about Ryan?”

  “I want to be with him, too.”

  “So you’re asking me to help you cheat.”

  “I don’t see it as cheating; I see it as taking my time to decide for sure what I want.” Gabriel seems to ponder my words, and then he says, “So, we’ll have to be careful and not get caught.”

  “You mean you’re willing to go through with this?”