Black Flag (Racing on the Edge)

by Stahl, Shey

  What I couldn’t get past was if I blinked, it could be gone.

  With her eyes still focused on my own, Sway smiled that breathtaking smile for me as though she could hear what I was thinking, feel what I was feeling.

  “I want to know.” I told her softly in assurance.

  Ren grinned widely, her brown hazel eyes sparkled at Sway. I could tell this was part of her job she loved, “That right there,” she pointed in between the baby’s legs and I laughed knowing damn well what it was, “Is your son,”

  Sway burst into hysterical tears, clinging to me as best she could. “Is it really a boy?”

  “Yes,” Ren assured her. “He’s making it well known that he’s a little boy.” She gestured toward the screen once more. “His little arms are behind his head. See that right there...and his legs are wide open...” she laughed. “and now he’s showing you his little butt.”

  15. Lug Nuts – Jameson

  Lug Nuts – Large nuts applied with a high-pressure air wrench to a wheel during a pit stop to secure the tires in place. All NASCAR cars use five lug nuts on each wheel. Penalties are assessed if a team fails to put all five on during a pit stop.

  Sway and I watched our little spaz flail around. He alternated between showing his manhood to showing his rear. I thought it was adorable, Sway thought he was showing off, which proves he’s my son. I watched Sway most of the time, fascinated by her rapt attention to him.

  Ren concluded her measurements and examination, leaving us alone for the few minutes I had left.

  She was also kind enough to print out two pictures for us.

  My eyes met Sway’s once again, a small smile graced her lips but I could tell she was exhausted. Dr. Clayton explained this was a part of pregnancy but she’d been through so much and mentally she was drained.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked brushing my fingertips over her cheek. “Do you need anything?”

  “Sore...sad...worried...the list goes on and on.” Her left hand rose touching my own cheek.

  Her head turned slightly revealing more bruises along the side of her neck. My breath caught in an audible gasp when I realized what those bruises were from.

  “Sorry.” Sway apologized attempting to hide the marks.

  I felt the anger bubble inside that she felt that need to apologize for something completely out of her control.

  “I don’t want to ever hear you say that again.” My fingers curled around her chin, turning her to look at me. “Do you hear me, honey...don’t apologize. Ever,”

  She blinked slowly sensing the boundary. “Where’s Darrin?”

  “I took care of it.” My eyes dropped to our interlocked hands and then back to her eyes to gauge her reaction.

  Confusion garbled her features for a moment and then she searched my face.

  I hadn’t looked in a mirror, afraid actually, but I could tell my nose was broken, I was pretty sure my lip was swollen and my hands were bruised and swelling.

  “Oh my god Jameson!” she gasped taking in everything. “What did you do? Oh my god...” she looked down at my battered hands, pulling them in for a closer look. “Are they broken?”

  “Shhh...shhh...honey,” I soothed when I noticed her and the baby’s heart monitors were accelerating. “Calm down, you need to relax,”

  “Oh god, are you going to prison? Oh man...I’m going to be one of those wives that has to have those conjugal visits...oh man...what...” her voice finally trailed off after her rant. I couldn’t help the small smile that appeared when she was talking about conjugal visits.

  “Calm down, I...we don’t have to worry about him anymore.”

  “Calm down?” she repeated incredulously. “Seriously? What if you get arrested? Oh, god...why did you? Why not just let the police take care of it?”

  “You don’t understand. It was—”

  “I understand perfectly! You don’t understand. What if something happens to you?” Sway interjected incredulously. “Goddamn it, Jameson...you are so obtuse to this that you can’t see beyond protecting me?”

  “I will protect you. I will keep you safe.” I growled pulling at my hair. “I won’t let something like that happen to you again.” I intoned, trying to make her grasp the meaning.

  Sway’s face flushed pink with anger. “Do you even realize what you’re saying? You can’t control everything, Jameson.” She snapped back, the heart monitor began beeping; warning us, this was too much for her and the baby. “You think everything is within your power. That you can control everything that happens to me, you can’t!”

  My own anger got the best of me, and I jumped to my feet, my fists clenched at my sides, trying not to launch something across the room. “I’ll take a lot from you Sway, but I’m not going to take that shit. I have a right to want to protect you and my son.”

  She said nothing, but it was easy to read the sequence of emotions across her face. There was shame, anger, and then defeat.

  “Why do you feel it’s your responsibility?” she asked slowly, shrugging her shoulders.

  And then I saw the hurt. Hurt for us. Hurt for her. Hurt for me.

  “Because I had to do something Sway,” I finally exploded. I couldn’t take it any longer. “I couldn’t sit back and act like it didn’t happen. Act as if he didn’t take something so personal from you, from me! I can’t be with you every second of the day, though I would if I could. It scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to be like this...so precariously codependent on you. But I am.” My voice cracked in frustration. “I had to do something.” I turned away from her, unnerved by the moisture in my eyes. Several tense, painful seconds went by as I struggled to get it together. “He could have killed you and my son, imagine how that felt to me.”

  Sway’s voice was just above a whisper. “Don’t you see Jameson—you can’t protect me all the time. You shouldn’t have to. We shouldn’t be...” her voice faded.

  My eyes tightened at her words. I fucking knew this was coming. I knew she would have a reaction like this at some point. And now she was at the worst possible time.

  “Sway,” I pleaded, reaching for her. “Don’t do this...please...honey...”

  “You don’t understand.” She said pushing me away.

  How the fuck could she possibly think that? What didn’t I understand?

  I shook my head slowly staring at the floor and not a lot else.

  “I don’t understand?” I repeated in disbelief. Reaching forward, I placed my hand under her chin forcing her to look at me. “I’m going to pretend...you didn’t just say that to me.”

  Sway flinched at the sound of my icy voice. It was rare for me to ever direct this type of anger toward Sway but that statement royally pissed me off. I was absolutely livid that she believed that enough to say it.

  “Are you thinking...of leaving me?”

  She didn’t say anything just stared at me, blank and completely unreadable.

  I pulled away, anger pulsing through me as I tried to control myself in front of her, and which I was failing at miserably. Instinctively I hurled a vase of flowers toward the wall, the loud crash of glass hitting the wall echoed through the silent room.

  My furious gaze met hers. Sway just continued to stare back at me in abject horror before I turned to walk away. I just laid everything I had on the line for what...her to leave when shit got real?

  What I knew in my heart though, that wasn’t Sway.

  “Oh god!” she cried hysterically. “Jameson, I’m so sorry, no...no...I can’t leave you, please...don’t leave...that wasn’t what I meant...” her voice trailed off as speaking became impossible through her tears.

  My aggression got to me and I punched the door before I had her in my arms instantly, Sway clung to me as though I was her lifeline to breathe; frantically grabbing anywhere she could to get closer to me. Her arm circled tightly around my neck.

  I wanted so badly to stay and hold her like I should after that but I couldn’t, I had no other choice.

&nbs
p; “It’s okay, I know.” I murmured. “I know...I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  Kyle rapped lightly on the door and stuck his head in pointing to his watch. “I’m really sorry to interrupt you guys but...we need to get to the track.” I nodded annoyed my time with her was up and irritated that we spent the last few minutes arguing.

  My eyes flickered back toward Sway.

  “I’m sorry honey, but I really do have to go.” Standing beside her bed, my knuckles rubbed against the rail, wincing when I saw the tears return. “I’ll be back tonight after the race.”

  She only nodded. I didn’t know if it was all the medication she was on or if this was just too hard for her, either way, it left me feeling more like an asshole for leaving.

  I carefully leaned forward to rest my hand on her belly, and kissed her. Her lips were soft and warm and everything I wanted to feel in that instant. Without another word, only because I knew my voice would fail me, I mouthed “I love you,” backing away from her bedside. Watching in despondency as tears slipped down her bruised cheek my heart was breaking, my gut wrenching in pain to stay.

  I hated this part of my job. But I chose this profession, I signed a contract. I had commitments that I couldn’t walk away from without ruining everything I’d ever worked for. This was the entire reason why I didn’t want Sway caught up in my life style to begin with. How could I have asked her to be with me knowing damn well I couldn’t provide her with the security she needed? Sway needed a man who would be there for her when she needed him. Be there when their child was born, and be there when her dad died. At this point, I had no idea where I would be when the baby was born. I had no idea where I would be when Charlie died.

  Alley met us at the end of the hallway. Emma was leaning against the wall staring at her quarter diamond ring and holding a wedding planner.

  “Emma...will you...stay with her?” I asked tipping my head toward Sway’s room.

  She didn’t answer, just smiled widely and headed for the room with the wedding planner.

  Alley laughed, tucking a strain of loose black hair behind her ear. “I feel bad for Sway. And by the way, congrats on it being a boy.”

  “How did you know?”

  “I just did.”

  I’m not sure what color she intended on dying her hair but now she just resembled my mom’s calico cat Gasket.

  “Nice uh...hair,” I smiled as she handed me a thick manila envelope.

  Alley swatted at me. “Shut up asshole!”

  “What’s this?” I opened the envelope once inside the Expedition.

  “It’s the paperwork from Phillip for the title transfer for Ms. Taylor.”

  “Is this everything?” My fingers slipped through the legal documents with sticky notes where I needed to sign. “All I have to do is sign and the house is hers, right?”

  “Yes...sign there and there...the rest is taken care of.”

  I hadn’t told anyone, but after I was released from the hospital, I had Phillip help me find a home in Memphis for Axle’s mom, Sara. She was a single mother, and any money she did have went into medical care for Axle or his funeral. I deposited twenty thousand dollars into an account for her, and found a small 2-bedroom house for her to make a fresh start with her two-year old daughter Mia. I had no idea what it was like to lose a child and I hoped I never had to feel what she was feeling right now. The least I could do for her was help her out financially and provide them with a place to live.

  “What kind of statement would you like to make to the media?” Alley asked typing away on her Blackberry.

  “Let’s just say something along the lines of... Thank you for all your support and prayers but my family and I ask that you respect our privacy. I will not be commenting on anything related to my personal life or associated with my family’s personal lives.” I paused reciting it silently to myself once more. “Would that be too harsh?”

  Alley smiled but continued to type. “No, I think that’s perfect.”

  “Simplex wants to talk with you.”

  “Great.”

  Everything was quiet for a few minutes until Alley’s phone beeped. She read the message and burst out laughing.

  “What?” Kyle asked merging onto the highway. I continued to sign the paperwork needed for the title transfer but listened to what she was saying.

  “Wyle Products just withdrew sponsorship from Gibson Racing. Darrin and Mike are both out of a ride now.”

  It’s not like that made me feel better, but it did help.

  The clouds had parted by the time we made it back to New Hampshire Raceway. Inside the hauler getting ready for our team meeting, a NASCAR official told me Gordon wanted to see me.

  I wasn’t sure what to expect when I walked inside the NASCAR hauler before the drivers meeting but I hardly expected Gordon Reynolds to be in there alone. A typical NASCAR meetings consisted of Gordon, Director of Competition and Patrick Madden, CEO of NASCAR and usually a few other officials that I never knew or cared to really know. This wasn’t a typical trip to the principal’s office.

  I walked inside, closing the door behind me, reticently glancing around.

  Would he question me about Darrin? Would he ask about Sway? All questions I asked myself when I took a seat.

  “I think there is something you should see.” Gordon’s eyes lifted my direction and then turned his lap top around to face me.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked looking at the CD in his hand. “What is that?”

  “It’s the video surveillance from the east stairwell of the Concord grandstands.” he said swiveling his laptop around. “There are surveillance cameras located on each floor and in each stairwell.”

  Was he serious?

  My heart pounded as a gasp escaped. With shaking and sweaty palms, my voice trembled when I spoke. “Why don’t the police have that?”

  “They do. This is NASCAR’s copy.” Gordon relaxed into his black leather chair behind his cherry wooden desk. Paper work and folders spread out everywhere buried the wood. “Do you want to see it?”

  “Yes.” I said with an acrimony tone reaching for the CD.

  Gordon yanked it back shaking his head. “I can’t let you have it, but you can watch it here.” His malevolent tone sparked as he inserted the CD into his laptop.

  Now I clearly was not thinking when I said yes. I had no idea what was on that surveillance video but that part of me that was completely reckless and out of control, had to know what happened. I had so many emotions going through my head I wasn’t sure how to deal with them at that point. I was holding on by a thread, and a very thin thread at that. Barely breathing, barely even surviving among the living had become my purpose these last few days. Even with all that, I wasn’t aware that the final thread could be cut in a matter of seconds.

  “The recording is for a three hour period so there is a lot of pass through here.” He sped up the video and the time stamp raced by an hour in seconds when you saw the door open and Mariah walk down the stairs, and then back up again with a closed for cleaning sign.

  I had no idea Mariah was involved until now.

  “The police have this?”

  “Yes,” he assured me. “Mariah was arrested this morning.”

  There was something off about his behavior though, I couldn’t place it but it seemed malicious. I’d never really trusted Gordon and I wasn’t about to now.

  Gordon sped the video up another thirty minutes. Then you see the door open once again, and Sway stepped inside, took about ten steps before abruptly stopping. Even on the video, you can see her body tense. Or maybe it was that I knew her reactions well enough to know when she was scared.

  Less than a minute later Darrin appears to step behind her. This was the part of the video where my breathing increased considerably, and my blood began to boil. It was like torture I’d never endured before.

  The next few minutes were probably the most horrifying minutes of my entire life, watching in revulsion as Darrin.
..oh god...this has to be a nightmare...a vile unspeakable nightmare. The images of her attack burned into my brain.

  Her body was limp, lifeless and bleeding as he hovered over her. A sharp pain rose in my throat at the sight as a severe case of vertigo hit me like a wrecking ball. When he tried to push her against the wall and reached for the button of his jeans, I staggered back away from the screen, gasping for breaths.

  All this time, I thought I knew what pain was. I was wrong. So incredibly wrong.

  “Oh god...why...” I let out a strangled sob. “Why would you show me that?” I yelled out slamming my fists against the wall of his office. Falling to the floor, the shock of everything finally settled in.

  The thread had been cut.

  I tried not to see it, I tried to make it stop, but the images wouldn’t stop. They were constant.

  Pain, torture, anguish, agony, grief...all crashed over me, piling up, waiting for the next turn to beat me down, and queuing in line to rip me to pieces. Each emotion was tearing through me. The weight in my stomach was ripping through me. I buried my face in my hands, begging for the pain to dissipate. Beseeching for relieve but feeling nothing.

  I lay there, collapsed on the floor on the NASCAR hauler, the pain coursing through me so rapidly I thought I would shatter at any moment if I didn’t get relief. My mind was go garbled I couldn’t decipher emotions let alone voices but I thought I heard Alley.

  I was sure it was Alley when I felt her arms wrap around me, her voice frantic in my ear. “Jameson! Jameson you have to pull it together. Please, pull yourself together.” She soothed, rubbing my back. “There are media reporters everywhere out there, buddy.” I wasn’t sure if I was crying or not but by her frantic reassuringly strokes against my cheeks I must have been. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

  I tried to stand but just staggered backwards, sobs racked through me, shaking me to the core.

  “You’re a fucking asshole!” Alley screamed toward Gordon. She reached for his laptop and launched it across the hauler. It smashed against the wall, the screen finally going black. “You should have never showed him that. Do you know what you’ve just done?”