STOCKINGS AND CELLULITE

by Debbie Viggiano

  I rocked back on my heels in dismay. ‘Oh. Can you tell me the address of this payphone please?’

  ‘Why? Are you gonna write it a bloomin’ letter or sumfink?’

  The receiver crashed down.

  I gnashed my teeth in frustration. No matter. I would get to the bottom of this. Sooner or later. I looked up at the sound of a key turning in the front door.

  ‘Darling!’ Jamie greeted me with a smile as he wiped his feet on the hall mat. ‘How’s my beautiful fiancée this evening?’

  I tossed the handset onto the hall table – prank phone call instantly forgotten – and flew into Jamie’s arms, smothering his handsome face in kisses.

  ‘What’s got into you?’ Jamie laughed.

  I knew exactly what had gotten into me. Oh yes! And in the process of re-awakening my own sleepy libido, I’d unwittingly unearthed the secret of Morag’s ability to untiringly sizzle and spit sexual energy.

  ‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’

  ‘Lovely. Can I have it now?’

  ‘At bedtime,’ I whispered huskily.

  ‘Are you making me wild reckless promises?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Later that evening, instead of me darting up the stairs ahead of Jamie and feigning sleep the moment he crossed the bedroom threshold, we went upstairs together hand in hand.

  ‘So what’s the surprise?’ asked Jamie shutting our door and turning the key for good measure.

  ‘This for starters,’ I leant in and kissed him full on the mouth.

  Mm. Nice. A thrill of awakening rippled through my body. Mm. I kissed Jamie again. Ooh lovely. As a third lingering kiss unfolded, Jamie broke off.

  ‘To the bed!’ Jamie ordered hoarsely. ‘And now,’ he declared pushing me back on the duvet and tugging at my jeans, ‘I’m going to make mad passionate–’ he stopped abruptly.

  ‘What?’ I sat up startled.

  ‘Good God!’

  ‘What?’ I repeated.

  ‘What have you done to yourself Cassie?’

  ‘Oh yes. That’s my surprise. It’s called-’

  I hesitated. I was fairly sure it wasn’t called Baldie.

  ‘Um, Monty.’

  ‘Monty?’

  ‘Yes. As in The Full Monty. Do you like it? Jamie? I said do you – ooh. I’ll take that as a yes.’

  God bless Morag’s little pills.

  At work Martin Henniker was still without a permanent secretary. Susannah Harrington summoned me to her office and surprised me with the proposal of considering the post myself.

  ‘But he hates me!’

  ‘On the contrary my dear. Martin is fully aware that a floating position suits you with the children and so forth, but nonetheless asked me to approach you.’

  She then mentioned a salary so inflated my eyes bulged.

  ‘Bribery,’ she purred.

  ‘Oh Susannah, I don’t know.’

  My brain whirred. On the one hand, with a new house and the looming Bahamian trip, the extra money would be welcome. On the other, what about the children? And school holidays? There was no Nell living next door to step into the breach and I really didn’t want to ask Edna for help. And there was another little matter too – like exactly how long it would take on a full-time basis before Martin Henniker provoked me to the point of no return? What if I ripped the computer from my desk and bashed it very hard over Martin Henniker’s head? Especially when it was that time of the month? I could almost see the newspaper headlines:

  Secretary Brains Boss in Broad Daylight

  Sandra Cherry, 93, a legal secretary with respected law firm Hemel Breathweight, was arrested in the early hours in connection with the murder of her boss, Mr Martian Henniker, 24. A colleague of the deceased, Maura McDuff, who did not wish to be named, confided that Mrs Cherry was menopausal and suffering from diminished hormones.

  I licked my lips. What to do?

  ‘Let me have a think about it Susannah.’

  On the drive home from the school run I glanced at Liv and Toby in the rear-view mirror.

  ‘Kids, how would you feel about me working full-time?’

  ‘What precisely do you mean by full-time?’ asked Livvy.

  ‘Exactly that. Being at the office every day – including school holidays. And you’d have to catch a bus home from school,’ I pointed out.

  ‘Cool,’ Toby nodded his head in approval.

  ‘So who would look after us in the holidays?’ asked Liv.

  ‘Good question.’

  ‘Nanny Edna could be our childminder,’ suggested Livvy.

  ‘No darling, Nanny Edna is an old lady.’

  ‘Rubbish!’ snorted Toby. ‘Nanny Edna is as fit as a fiddle. She’s currently making me and Jonas a special desk for our PlayStations and games.’

  I blanched. Good grief. It simply wasn’t normal for a woman of seventy-something to be power drilling all over the place, glue gun at the ready, raising her hammer in a salute to DIY. The only thing I was good at raising was my voice.

  ‘Well I’ve yet to discuss the idea with Jamie. We’ll see what suggestions he has about it over dinner.’

  Later, Jamie listened while I ticked off the pros and cons.

  ‘So what do you think?’ I finally asked.

  ‘Honestly? I think juggling four children, a big house and working full-time for a man who sounds like a living nightmare will burn you out in no time at all.’

  My hackles rose. ‘Are you saying I can’t cut the mustard?’

  ‘No darling, not at all,’ Jamie soothed. ‘But you asked my opinion and I’m giving it to you. We are a brand new family – a ready made family – and now that we’re all getting down to the nuts and bolts of living together, it might be more sensible to invest your energies into this period of transition.’

  ‘But think of the extra money.’

  ‘Cassie if you wish to work – full-time or part-time – that’s up to you. I would just urge you to think carefully before you put yourself through unnecessary stress. Money is not a problem. Remember me telling you about the partnership proposal with Ethan Fareham for the security venture?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Well I’m happy to confirm that it’s definite.’ Jamie’s face slowly lit up. ‘Everything is going to kick off in the New Year. Trust me – it’s going to be a gold mine.’

  And so, the following morning, I informed Susannah Harrington that I would be happy to continue assisting Martin Henniker but not on a full-time basis. As I walked down the corridor back to my office, I bumped into Morag.

  ‘Guess what, guess what?’

  Hadn’t we had this conversation once before?

  ‘You’re pregnant,’ I ventured.

  ‘Not yet, but I reckon it won’t be long.’ She cast a furtive glance up and down the corridor and lowered her voice. ‘It’s not official – and I’m only confiding in you – but Matt has agreed we can start trying for a baby. Just think!’ she peered over her mountainous cleavage and stroked her flat tummy, ‘there could be a little baba in there right now.’

  I gave her a quick hug. ‘That’s lovely news. How long before you know?’

  ‘Oh at least another couple of weeks. Currently I’m at my most fertile so Matt’s blanket bombing my eggs at the moment,’ she giggled before rummaging in her shoulder bag. ‘And I have a stash of these little darlings,’ she extracted her hand and waggled a home pregnancy test in my face.

  ‘Goodness, how many of those have you got?’

  ‘I figured I’d get impatient waiting to know. I’ll probably test early and keep testing up to the day my period is due. These little sticks will get used up in a trice.’

  ‘But Morag, these test kits cost a small fortune.’

  She shrugged. ‘I’m doing some private legal work for a pharmacist mate and he’s paying my fees with ovulation and pregnancy kits. I’d better get my skates on – I’m off to see a client. Catch you later.’

  I sat down at my desk glad that Henniker was in a meeting and
to have five minutes to collect my thoughts. At that precise moment the phone rang.

  ‘Mr Henniker’s office, how can I help you?’

  Silence.

  I swallowed. Was this some sort of massive coincidence?

  ‘Hello?’ My ears strained to hear the soft whispering.

  ‘I hate you.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  That evening I lay in the bath fretting. Who was behind the dropped phone calls? Calls that had now taken something of a sinister turn. I nibbled my lip. I knew a few things about my tormentor. Firstly, the person was female. Secondly she knew where I both lived and worked. Finally – and most worryingly of all – she apparently hated me. A part of me reasoned that I should tell Jamie about the latest call at work but, for the moment, I wanted to handle this my way.

  My period was late and I knew stress was probably to blame. Apart from the anonymous calls, I was in a continual state of anxiety working for Henniker and edgy at home with Edna once again re-installed in the spare room.

  I sighed and blasted some more hot water into the bath, resolving to discuss my problems with the girls.

  ‘So who would you say has an axe to grind?’ asked Morag the following day.

  We were sitting in the local crowded Costa Coffee clutching our Skinnies and low-fat blueberry muffins.

  ‘Well clearly somebody who isn’t terribly keen on Cass,’ said Julia. Nothing like stating the obvious.

  ‘What about that Cynthia woman?’ asked Morag.

  ‘Yes I did initially wonder if it could be her. But if Cynthia was going to harass anybody then surely it would be Charlotte – bearing in mind Charlotte took Stevie off her.’

  ‘Well maybe it’s Charlotte,’ said Julia. ‘She once accused Stevie of still being in love with you. Perhaps she feels you’re a threat to her happiness.’

  ‘No, I don’t think it’s her either. From past experience I would say she’d simply march straight round to the house and say what was bothering her to my face.’

  ‘Well who else can it be?’ asked Julia.

  ‘What if,’ my throat was suddenly dry, ‘what if this is nothing to do with Stevie?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Morag said sharply.

  ‘What if it’s more to do with Jamie?’

  ‘Cass what are you implying?’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m wondering if Jamie is having an affair and the other woman is harassing me.’

  ‘Don’t be absurd!’ Morag spluttered. ‘I can’t believe you’ve even considered that idea. Your fiancé is besotted with you for heaven’s sake. Apart from anything else, after everything he’s been through he wouldn’t dream of betraying either you or the children. Jamie is an honourable man Cass.’

  ‘Yes I know,’ I said in a small voice, ashamed for voicing my fears out loud. ‘It was just a fleeting thought. I guess I’m still paranoid after all the deceit with Stevie.’

  ‘Of course,’ Morag patted my hand sympathetically, ‘that’s perfectly understandable. However I really do think you should talk about it with Jamie.’

  ‘Yes. Meanwhile Jules, would you monitor all calls into my office. Anybody outside of the family and asking for me by name, tell them I’ve left.’

  ‘Sure,’ Julia nodded. ‘But try not to get too stressy about it Cass.’

  ‘I’m stressy over everything. The anonymous caller, blasted Henniker, Edna not going home-’

  ‘You should definitely talk to Jamie about that,’ Morag arched an eyebrow, ‘I couldn’t begin to put up with Mama Mia under my feet every day in her widow’s weeds radiating disapproval every time I tell her son we’re having an early night.’

  ‘I thought you liked your future mother-in-law?’ asked Julia.

  ‘I do! Just in small doses that’s all.’

  ‘And on top of everything else,’ I picked at a loose cotton thread on my cuff, ‘my period’s late.’

  ‘I keep telling you but you won’t listen,’ sighed Julia, ‘it’s the menopause.’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake, it’s stress. How’s Miles?’ I asked rather cruelly.

  Julia flinched. ‘I’m thinking about dumping him actually. He’s just not doing it for me at the moment.’

  ‘Doing what?’ asked Morag.

  ‘Proposing.’

  Morag then felt too guilty to bring up the subject of her impending nuptials, so instead switched to the topic of pregnancy.

  ‘I’d like a baby girl. A darling blondie with big blue eyes and I’d dress her in pink from head to toe. Do you like the name Boo?’

  ‘No, she’d get teased at school and called Boo Hoo,’ said Julia.

  ‘Is it possible you could be pregnant Cass?’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ I snorted.

  ‘You see!’ Julia crowed, ‘it’s the menopause!’

  ‘How many periods have you missed?’ asked Morag.

  ‘Only the one.’

  ‘It’s the menopause,’ Julia intoned.

  ‘Get yourself off to the doctor Cass and find out what’s going on in your nether regions.’

  ‘I’m feeling so irritable I’m sure my period can’t be far away.’

  After lunch Susannah Harrington summoned me to her office. I mounted the stairs with a sense of foreboding. Had Henniker complained about me?

  ‘Cassandra, do sit down,’ Susannah indicated the chair opposite her desk. ‘Good news! I’ve secured yet another new secretary for Martin Henniker – this time an extremely mature woman who I’m confident will whip him into shape once and for all.’

  I had a mental picture of an aging dominatrix, complete with a corrugated grey perm, smacking a riding crop against Martin Henniker’s backside.

  ‘The bad news is that she can’t start until the New Year. Now my dear, I have an enormous favour to ask. I know your lovely children are on the threshold of breaking up for the Christmas holidays, not to mention Morag’s impending Caribbean wedding getting ever nearer, but Martin has an urgent deal to complete before you go away and he really does need full time assistance until Mrs Haslemere can start. Is there just the tiniest chance you could accommodate Martin until you go off to the Bahamas?’

  ‘Well-’

  ‘Double pay of course,’ she gave me a beady look.

  ‘If it’s just for a few days then I’m sure it won’t be a problem Susannah. Let me square it with Jamie and,’ my heart sank, ‘the children’s grandmother. I’ll confirm with you tomorrow morning.’

  ‘Of course my dear, of course.’

  I had a sudden flash of déjà vu as a picture of me spectacularly losing my temper with Martin Henniker swam before me. What if I lunged at my boss’s jugular with the stapler – that enormous one for particularly stubborn documents – clicking away until his main artery was sealed up and brought instant aneurism? Ew. Sometimes I amazed myself at the lurid depths of my imagination.

  ‘Are you sure you want to do it?’ asked Jamie over dinner. ‘From the sound of this guy, you don’t owe him any favours.’

  ‘Yes but Susannah Harrington has been very good to me and it’s more her I’m thinking about.’

  ‘Well I’m happy to hold the fort for you Cassandra dear,’ said Edna popping a soft fluffy potato into her mouth. Naturally she’d peeled and cooked them herself. Along with the tender carrots, freshly minted peas and succulent roast lamb. I had a sudden urge to weep. Would I ever bung a convenience meal in the microwave again? ‘I was going to go home this weekend but what with Christmas coming and you now working full time for the moment, I’ll stay on a bit longer and get your Christmas larder sorted out for you.’

  ‘That’s awfully good of you Edna,’ I said weakly.

  ‘But in the New Year I really must go home once and for all. Leave you young things to get on with your new life together.’

  In an instant my mood lifted. ‘You’re welcome to stay whenever you like Edna,’ I smiled magnanimously. Well why not? She was a super lady wasn’t she? I suddenly felt ashamed at my earlier misgivings.

  Jamie’s mob
ile phone chirruped into life on the worktop.

  ‘Excuse me folks,’ he said getting up from the dinner table. ‘Hello?’ There was a brief pause before Jamie’s voice dropped an octave. ‘I’m at home,’ I heard him murmur before cupping his hand over the mouthpiece. ‘Sorry everybody – work.’

  He strode out of the kitchen. Seconds later I heard the study door click behind him.

  ‘That was lovely Edna.’ I put my knife and fork together and wiped my mouth on the paper napkin my future mother-in-law always placed around the table. Unlike me. At best everybody got a piece of kitchen towel. I stood up and started to clear the plates from the table.

  ‘Leave that Cassandra dear, I’ll do it. You go and get the baths running for the children.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ I gave a tight smile, trying to dismiss the feeling that Edna was organising me as well as the dirty dinner plates.

  Walking past the study I paused. I could hear Jamie on the other side of the door sounding very uptight.

  ‘I’ve told you before not to ring me when I’m at home. What if Cassie had answered your call?’ My ears pricked up. Instantly I flattened one of them against the study door. ‘No, I can’t I’m sorry. It’s over. No. How many times do you need telling? I don’t want to see you any more.’

  ‘Mum?’ Livvy yelled from the upstairs landing, making me jump guiltily. Instantly I moved away from the study door. ‘Are you coming up to run my bath?’

  ‘Be right with you darling,’ I warbled.

  Jamie suddenly erupted out of the study, clearly agitated.

  ‘Everything okay darling?’ I called after his retreating back.

  He stopped and spun round. ‘Yeah I – sorry Cassie. I’m a bit distracted.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I walked up to him and put my arms around him.

  ‘Nothing. Just work,’ he pulled me to him and hugged me hard.

  I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment.

  ‘Who was that calling?’ I asked lightly.

  ‘Ethan. You know, Ethan Fareham. The guy I’m going into the security partnership with.

  I nodded. ‘Is everything still on – no change of heart?’

  ‘Definitely not. I can’t wait to start working with the guy.’