STOCKINGS AND CELLULITE

by Debbie Viggiano

‘Cassandra I know you didn’t see eye to eye with Martin but I really wouldn’t let your joie de vivre be on general display. Rather bad form and all that.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I beamed. ‘Terribly sorry, but you don’t understand. Up until just now I’d been blaming myself for his death, but now you’re telling me his ticker tocked out. Don’t you see? I’m off the hook!’

  Susannah gasped. ‘Good Lord! Well I can certainly assure you his death was absolutely nothing to do with your chocolate cake.’ She glanced at the unopened letter in her hand. ‘Do you still want to tender your resignation?’

  I hesitated, but only for a second.

  ‘Yes. I want to concentrate on my family. My new family. Life’s too short for stress.’

  ‘I quite agree dear. However, it would be tremendously helpful if you could stay for the remainder of the month and assist Morag who is initially taking over Martin’s clients.’

  This meant my last day at Hempel Braithwaite would literally be the day before flying out to the Bahamas. Oh well, I reflected, there would be plenty of time in the New Year to catch up on the little things in life – like sleep. I hid a yawn in the palm of my hand as Susannah thanked me for my co-operation. Taking this as my cue to leave, I waltzed into Morag’s office.

  ‘Hiya!’ I trilled. ‘Isn’t life just fabulous! Just look how the spine of those tatty files are frayed to fluffiness and the way the wallpaper peels so attractively over the dirty air vent. Beautiful.’

  ‘Are you taking happy pills?’ she gave me a sharp look.

  ‘No of course not!’

  ‘Final fitting tomorrow.’

  ‘Final fitting for what?’

  ‘Our dresses. For the wedding?’ she added when I looked at her blankly. ‘Honestly Cass, sometimes I wonder what planet you’re on.’

  ‘That reminds me,’ I fished inside my handbag for my mobile phone. ‘Got to text Nell, she didn’t give me a time for our rendezvous this evening.’

  I quickly tapped out a message.

  Seconds later my mobile bleeped a response.

  At lunch time Julia joined us and we remained in Morag’s office, unwilling to brave the freezing elements of the park or squash into Costa Coffee.

  ‘Glad to be back?’ asked Julia tucking into a hot bacon sandwich and dripping grease down her chin.

  ‘Feels a bit weird,’ I replied sinking my teeth into a peanut butter and sweet corn bagel which, for some strange reason, I’d been craving all morning.

  ‘Bound to,’ Morag nodded her head in recognition of this.

  ‘So what have I missed out on while I’ve been away?’ I turned to Julia. How’s your love-life?’ I grinned.

  ‘Actually I’ve been dumped.’ Julia’s bottom lip wobbled violently.

  ‘What?’ Morag and I chorused together. ‘Why?’

  ‘Oh you know, the usual male thing. Miles couldn’t take any more of being frogmarched past jewellery shops stuffed with engagement rings or listen to hints about Spring being a marvellous time to get married.’

  ‘Ah. Men,’ I nodded sagely.

  ‘Let’s face it,’ said Morag, ‘all women’s problems start with men. There’s mental illness, menstrual cramps and mental breakdown.’

  I joined in gamely, ‘Guynocologist and histerectomy.’

  ‘And don’t forget menopause,’ Julia added giving me a pointed look.

  Cheeky mare.

  Once home I saw Jamie only very briefly.

  ‘Do you want my bath water darling?’ I asked emerging from the bathroom with a fluffy towel around me.

  ‘No, I haven’t got time. I’ll have one later,’ said Jamie discarding his uniform and plucking a denim shirt from the wardrobe. ‘I’d better get a move on as I’m running late,’ he said, fingers quickly doing up buttons. ‘Give my love to Nell.’

  ‘I will. By the way Mr Mackerel,’ I called after my fiancé. Jamie turned and looked back at me.

  ‘You are incredibly handsome in that denim shirt. Brings out the blue in your eyes.’

  ‘If you play your cards right,’ Jamie winked, ‘I’ll let you take it off my back later.’

  ‘You’re on. You’d better go darling, don’t keep Ethan waiting.’

  ‘Ethan?’ Jamie stared at me blankly.

  ‘Yes. Your business meeting?’

  ‘Oh. That Ethan. Yes, of course. Will do darling. See you later.’

  ‘See you,’ I gazed after Jamie, suddenly disconcerted. How many Ethans did he know?

  Chapter Twenty

  I drove down the narrow winding lanes of Ainsley Brook and arrived at The Planet bang on half past seven.

  Walking into the bar area I searched for Nell’s blonde head in a sea of faces. There was no sign of her. Suddenly I noticed a horribly familiar pair of broad shoulders encased in a check shirt. The owner caught sight of me and blanched. It was Euan. The love rat kitchen fitter. Even worse, his flame-haired wife was perched on a stool next to him. She had clocked her husband’s frozen expression and was already following the direction of his disbelieving gaze. Her eyes hooked on mine and widened as recognition dawned.

  Horrified I darted off towards the restaurant area. Where was Nell? Ducking and diving between tables and diners stuffed into the restaurant’s candlelit nooks and crannies, I hurriedly searched for the whereabouts of my friend. She was nowhere to be found. And then suddenly, like a bad television repeat, I noticed another pair of familiar broad shoulders, except these shoulders were heart-achingly well-known and encased in the denim shirt he’d put on less than an hour earlier.

  I ground to a halt and stared in utter disbelief at Jamie. He was engaged in earnest conversation with an Angelina Jolie look-a-like seated opposite him. Selina.

  As if on cue Selina caught my eye. She acknowledged my presence with the tiniest inclination of her head. A malicious grin played about her mouth. For a moment I could only gape. And then everything fell into place. This was my anonymous caller. This was the person who had whispered I was a bitch – who had dared to ring my work place and declare her hatred. This was the person who had telephoned Jamie’s mobile when I’d eavesdropped outside the study door. And this was the person who’d rung our home last night to send me on this evening’s wild goose chase.

  As I stared at her beautiful face, the bottom of my world fell out. Jamie of all people. My Jamie. The man I’d thought so decent, so honourable, who’d professed to be heartbroken over his dead wife. The man who had fooled me into believing that I’d been the woman to mend his shattered heart. Not only was I reeling from the hurt of his betrayal, I was staggered at his disregard for our children and the effect our splitting up would have upon them – for make no mistake, I wasn’t sticking around to be betrayed by another philandering Casanova.

  A red mist descended as fury washed over me. How dare he? And how dare she! Enraged I marched over to their table. I’d been a participant in this scenario before. However the last time had seen me sitting down at the table with Euan while his wife made free with the table contents. This time there was a change in characters and my role was now standing room only, but no matter. I could remember how the play unfolded and would rework the lines.

  ‘You bastard!’ I shrieked, swiftly weaving through the dining room’s obstacle course of customers, tables and chairs. Once again the background babble dropped to a highly charged silence, this time all eyes firmly on table twenty-six.

  ‘Cassie!’ Jamie looked up, appalled.

  ‘Cassie,’ I mimicked.

  ‘Sorry you had to find out this way,’ Selina murmured.

  ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ Jamie growled at her.

  ‘You lied to me,’ I prodded Jamie hard on the shoulder. ‘And what I want-’

  prod prod

  ‘Is for you-’

  prod prod

  ‘To sod off-’

  prod prod

  ‘You WHORE!’

  Bugger. I should have started the prodding with Selina. Was it too late to start again? Yes, cert
ainly with that army of waiters gathering over there.

  I squared my shoulders and looked around for the handy ice bucket that should have been on the table. Disappointingly there was only a single glass of wine. Hers. No matter. I picked it up and flung it in her face. Before she could even react I’d flipped her dinner plate into her lap. For some strange reason Jamie didn’t have a dinner plate in front of him. A buttered bread roll sat forlornly on Selina’s side plate. That would do. I grabbed it and stuffed it inside Jamie’s denim shirt.

  ‘What the-?’

  As previously, a collective gasp sounded around the restaurant followed by an electrified buzz as diners began nudging each other. But before the waiters could frogmarch the raving blonde out of the restaurant, I’d already spun on my heel and sprinted off, very aware that Jamie had now leapt to his feet and was charging after me, complete with bread roll décolletage. I dashed back towards the bar area – straight towards Euan who was heading my way. Oh God.

  Swerving to the left I spotted the Ladies and catapulted through the door… smack into Euan’s wife. It was too much. Cornered from every direction, I flattened against the wash basins and burst into tears.

  ‘Please don’t cry,’ she implored grabbing one of my trembling hands. I shrunk away from her. ‘I’m so glad I’ve bumped into you,’ she babbled, ‘I owe you such a massive apology for the awful time I gave you in that restaurant. I know it wasn’t your fault. Euan and I had a huge row and he confessed everything and promised me you were totally innocent. I’m so sorry about the humiliation you suffered. It must have been dreadful discovering that your boyfriend was a liar and then enduring his wife on the warpath too.’

  ‘That’s very decent of you,’ I dabbed some paper towels over my wet eyes. ‘And I’m sorry too for being part of your pain, even though at the time I was blissfully ignorant about the true marital facts.’

  ‘What I did to you in public was unforgivable.’

  ‘Oh I don’t know,’ I gave a shaky laugh. ‘I’ve just taken a leaf out of your book and done exactly the same thing to my fiancé.’

  ‘Oh Lord. Why?’

  ‘I’ve just discovered him dining with his-’ I choked over the word, ‘mistress.’

  ‘Oh dear. I know exactly what you’re going through. But you must talk about it with your man because things might still work out. Euan played around because he thought – mistakenly I might add – that I was having affairs. But I wasn’t. It was work that got in the way all the time. I’m an accountant,’ she added by way of explanation.

  ‘Well I’m nothing as high flying as that. I’m just a part-time secretary and mother.’ I took another paper towel and blew my nose. ‘I divorced my husband earlier this year because of his constant infidelity. I rebounded horribly with Euan believing him to be a free agent – and now I’ve been cheated on again,’ my voice rose to a shriek.’

  ‘Oh you poor love,’ she swooped and pulled me into her arms. At that moment there was a commotion outside the Ladies followed by banging on the door.

  ‘CASSIE?’ Jamie yelled on the other side of the wooden panels. ‘I know you’re in there. Please come out and talk to me. I can explain everything.’

  ‘You see!’ Euan’s wife smiled encouragingly, ‘It’s time to kiss and make up.’

  ‘Hardly. Apart from anything else I’ve just ruined his favourite shirt.’

  ‘Shirts can be replaced, relationships can’t. Go and talk to him.’

  ‘CASSIE!’ Jamie bellowed again, ‘I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!’

  ‘Go on,’ Euan’s wife nodded in the direction of the door. ‘Go and sort it out. I’m really glad to have met you again. My name’s Maggie by the way.’

  ‘RIGHT!’ yelled Jamie, ‘I’ve had enough and I’m COMING IN!’

  ‘Thanks,’ I gave Maggie a watery smile. ‘It was nice to meet you properly too. And I’m Cassandra.’

  She hugged me tightly, just as Jamie barged in. His eyes widened as he saw his fiancée in an apparent clinch with another woman.

  ‘This is Maggie,’ I said to Jamie, pulling apart.

  ‘Hello Maggie,’ he said warily.

  ‘I’m Euan’s wife.’

  Jamie nodded, none the wiser.

  ‘I’m Euan,’ said the man himself standing behind Jamie and looking rather sheepish. ‘Are you ready Mags?’

  ‘Coming honey-bunny. Bye Cassandra.’

  ‘Bye Maggie.’

  ‘Cass,’ Euan inclined his head.

  ‘Euan,’ I nodded coolly back.

  ‘Bye pal,’ Euan patted Jamie on the back.

  ‘Er, bye mate.’ Jamie turned to face me. ‘What the hell is going on?’

  ‘You tell me,’ I snarled just as my mobile phone began to ring.

  ‘I will if you’d only give me a chance,’ he howled.

  I flipped the phone open. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Cass where the devil are you?’ squawked Nell. ‘I’ve been sitting at my kitchen table with two coffees and a plate of Hob Nobs since half past seven.’

  ‘So what happened after that?’ asked Morag as we stripped to our undies in the bridal shop’s dressing room on Saturday morning.

  ‘After that,’ I sighed, ‘Jamie explained to me that Selina had been harassing him for months. Ever since they’d split up apparently. She just couldn’t believe that he didn’t want to go out with her anymore, a beautiful free agent with no emotional baggage.’ I wiggled into my Grecian column dress. Heavens. It only just did up.

  ‘So she started stalking him,’ said Morag.

  ‘Well, that’s probably a rather strong way of putting it – they did work together after all. But certainly the work place became an emotional minefield hence Jamie being keen to get the partnership with Ethan Fareham going sooner rather than later.’

  ‘So why were they having a meal together?’

  ‘Apparently Selina had asked Jamie to join her as she had something to tell him in private. She promised that if he did as she asked then she’d stop bothering him. So Jamie agreed to meet her but not to have a meal together. That’s why it was only her eating at the table.’

  I breathed in hard. If I held my breath, the dress was comfortable.

  ‘So those phone calls that had you jittering all over the place and the cosy restaurant scenario were a ruse to undermine your confidence and get you believing your fiancé was having a love affair with his ex-girlfriend.’

  ‘Yep.’ I exhaled noisily and experienced a bit of a head rush as oxygen levels returned to normal. ‘It’s no good,’ I sighed.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ bossed Morag. ‘Selina is gone. Out of your hair. You can carry on living your life with Jamie in peace now.’

  ‘No I mean this dress is no good. I’ve put on weight.’

  ‘The seams can be let out,’ Morag assured. ‘You look beautiful.’

  ‘You too,’ I smiled giving her a hug.

  At bedtime I snuggled up with Jamie under our duvet.

  ‘How’s my darling fiancée?’ he asked.

  ‘Happy. And relieved,’ I added.

  ‘Cassie, nobody is ever going to come between us. Right?’

  I nodded my head. ‘I just wish you’d told me about the problems you were having with Selina. I’d have understood.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Of course!’

  ‘I don’t,’ Jamie shook his head. ‘Cassie, you were so vulnerable when I met you. You’d not long emerged from a marriage that had all but crushed your self-esteem. Your confidence was slowly on the up but you never gave me the impression that you believed in yourself. You’re better than all the Selinas in this world put together, but you still don’t believe that. The last thing you needed to hear about was a woman hell bent on destroying our relationship. I wanted to protect you.’

  ‘I know darling,’ I kissed Jamie tenderly. ‘Let’s not talk about her any more. She’s history.’

  ‘Absolutely. Come on, let’s get some sleep. You were snoring for England last night.’

&n
bsp; ‘I do not snore,’ I retorted. ‘And you can jolly well talk. Some of the sounds you make are quite incredible.’

  ‘Oh?’ Jamie raised his eyebrows. ‘For example?’

  ‘Phew-ee, phew-ee,’ I imitated. ‘It must be something to do with the acoustics of your nasal passage and nostril hair.’

  ‘I don’t have nostril hair!’

  ‘’Fraid so darling. You’re sprouting fluffy ears too. Sign of old age,’ I nodded sagely.

  ‘Oh God.’

  ‘Never mind. I’m right behind you. You are looking at a woman who has started the menopause.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, you’re too young.’

  ‘Apparently not. I’m going to make an appointment to see a gynaecologist for a thorough overhaul.’

  Having firmly made the decision to sort out my defunct baby-making machinery I made an appointment with one Mr Rafferty, naturally recommended by Morag. Mr Rafferty was so booked up there wasn’t a chance of getting near his speculum until well into the New Year.

  ‘Shame it’s so far ahead,’ I said to Julia and Morag, ‘but at least the matter is now in hand.’

  We were squashed into Costa Coffee, steamy windows obscuring the sight of harassed office staff battling for pavement space with energetic Christmas shoppers.

  ‘Old Rafferty is the best,’ Morag assured. ‘And if my next pregnancy test isn’t positive, I’ll be visiting him to get my fanny fixed.’

  ‘Such a delicate way of putting things,’ murmured Julia as a pinstriped suit sitting in close proximity shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

  ‘He’s seriously sexy,’ Morag waggled her eyebrows. ‘Think Robert Redford in his prime.’

  ‘Oh splendid,’ I grimaced. ‘I’d much prefer an ancient professor type. I hope his good looks don’t cause me to have a hot flush.’

  That evening as the family congregated around the dinner table, I relayed how busy the High Street had been with pre-Christmas shoppers.

  ‘Ah yes, Christmas,’ Jamie rubbed his chin thoughtfully. ‘I think we should start thinking about preparing for the Festive Season. Have we got balls?’

  Toby sniggered.

  ‘As in baubles,’ Jamie sighed.