Moments Of Beauty

by J B Heller

  Mum was a foster kid too. That’s how they met. He told me the day he found her, was the day he found a reason to live. And I took that away from him.

  That’s a heavy burden for a kid to shoulder. But I’m not a kid anymore. I know what I need to do. It’s not about what I want, it’s about what needs to be done.

  I’m walking down the hallway with my pack slung over my shoulder when he steps out of his room, “Where are you going, boy?”

  My shoulders stiffen, “Out,” I reply tersely.

  I feel him approaching and my entire body goes on alert. I can smell the alcohol seeping from his pours and it curls my stomach.

  “You’ve been out a lot lately,” he says as he rounds me and pauses in front of me.

  I grit my teeth and stare him down. His eyes narrow on me as a sneer lifts his top lip, “Found yourself a piece of ass, boy?” He tilts his head to the right and a cruel smile replaces his sneer, “Does she know what a worthless piece of shit you are?”

  It takes everything I have not to punch him in his smug face. I flex my fingers to keep them from curling into fists at my sides. My jaw ticks with the amount of pressure it takes to keep my mouth shut and not tell him to go fuck himself.

  Again I remind myself what I’ve done to him, and it takes a small amount of fight out of me.

  That is, until he shoves me back into the wall behind me. He gets up in my face, “You’re nothing!” he seethes as he comes so close I can feel his rancid breath on my face, “Do that girl a favour and stay away from her before you ruin her life like you ruined mine and your mother’s. It’s all you’re good for.”

  His words cause bile to rise in my throat. And when he finally backs away, I let my legs out from under me until I’m leaning against the hallway with my knees bent in front of me. My head hangs between my parted knees, as the pressure behind my eyeballs pounds in my skull so hard I want to vomit.

  I’m not sure how long I sit there, I want to get up and get out of his house of hate, but my body won’t comply. It’s not until I hear a soft knock at the front door that I find the will to move, knowing its Eliza on the other side.

  Glancing over my shoulder as I swing the door open, I see Dad getting to his feet, I turn back to Eliza, “You need to go.”

  Her forehead wrinkles, “I was worried, you—”

  She’s cut off by my dad’s cynical laughter as he approaches, “Oh how sweet, your little girlfriend was worried about you. Guess she doesn’t know after all.” The way his eyes light up when he smiles at me shows me just how much he’s going to enjoy this.

  He shoves me out of the doorway and comes to stand in front of me, his eyes travel up and down Eliza’s small frame, and I can’t take anymore. I force my way between them, facing him, I turn to look at Eliza over my shoulder, “Go.”

  Her face has paled, but her shoulders are pulled back, ready to go to war with him. Over me. “El, go. Please.”

  Her eyes shift back to me and she nods once, then turns on her heel and walks back to her car with my dad calling after her, “That’s it, sweetheart, walk away from him. Save your time for someone who’s worth it!”

  “Enough!” I grit out as I push my father far enough inside that I can close the front door behind me and shield Eliza from his venomous words.

  His face is red, “You dare lay your hands on me, boy?” he spits.

  I drop my hands from his shoulders immediately, “I didn’t mean to,” I say.

  He grins at me, “Why don’t you hit me? I bet you want to,” he taunts.

  I make a conscious effort to loosen my fists, and shake my head, “No, I don’t want to hit you.”

  He looks disappointed, does he want me to hit him?

  He scoffs, “Of course, what was I thinking? Only a man would want to defend himself. And you’re nothing but a pathetic boy.”

  The tightness in my chest stays with me long after he walks away to get himself another beer from the fridge. I squeeze my eyes shut and remind myself this will all be over soon. Just one more week.

  After my run in with my dad I can’t stomach seeing Eliza. I grab my pack off the floor where it still lays in the hallway and head out the back door into the forest that backs the property.

  I know the tracks well, I’ve spent a lot of time out here over the years. Pulling my camera out of my pack, I walk slowly, mindful of where I place each step so as not to disturb the peace and life that surrounds me.

  Soon enough, I spot an electric blue butterfly paused on a tree trunk and smile as I focus my lens and take the shot. A split second later the butterfly flits away.

  I keep walking, until I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Sliding it out, I see Eliza’s nickname on the screen, and I open the text.

  Are you okay?

  What am I supposed to say to that? No, no I’m not fucking okay. I don’t think I ever have been. I’m a fucking waste of space and she needs to move on, and stay the hell away from me.

  I go to slide my phone back in my pocket without answering her, but realise she’ll probably go back to the house if I ignore her. So I send a quick reply.

  Yeah. I’m fine. I’ll catch up with you later.

  I’ve got a whole lot of shit to get straight in my head before I can see or speak to her. I just hope she gives me the space I need right now.

  When my phone vibrates again with her reply, I ignore it and keep walking. I focus on the beauty that surrounds me and try to take it all in, hoping that some of it will rub off on me, so one day, I might be more than this ugly blemish on the lives of everyone around me.

  I should have known she would be here. When I push through the trees surrounding the clearing at the stream I see her, she’s sitting on that same boulder that I saw her on that first day.

  Looking at her through my lens, I zoom in on her delicate features. The way her wet lashes caress the apple of her cheeks, the streaks of long since shed tears that roll down and over her full lips. Her anguish is written all over her face, and I am the cause of it.

  I want to go to her, to comfort her. But at the same time, I want to run like hell. I don’t want to have to explain my life to her.

  Her eyes flicker open and she stares at me, unmoving.

  And I see it all. All the love she has for me. All the pain she feels for me. All the confusion she feels about my situation. And finally, I see resignation.

  “You really are going to leave and never come back,” she says with finality.

  I nod in response, and swallow thickly as all her emotions wash over me, making me feel like maybe, just maybe, I’m worth everything she feels for me.

  But I know better than that.

  She licks her tear stained lips, “Hux, I don’t care what he says. I don’t care what he thinks. I know you, and I love you.” She slides off the boulder, and walks through the water in my direction.

  I drop my pack off my shoulder, and my camera on top of it, and step toward her shaking my head.

  When she reaches me, she strokes my cheek tenderly, tears shining in her eyes as she takes a deep breath then speaks, “You have to go. I understand why now. And,” she swallows and averts her eyes for a moment, gaining her composure, “And it’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry,” I don’t recognise my own voice it’s so husky and deep, “I never wanted you to see any of it. I tried to protect you from it, you deserve better than me, El.”

  She blinks up at me with big tears resting on the edge of her eyes, just waiting to spill over, “Why does he hate you so much?”

  My heart constricts and I know I have to tell her the truth about me, what I am.

  Intertwining our fingers, I tug her down to sit with me. Taking a deep breath, I look down at the blades of grass in front of me, “I’m the reason he lost the only person he ever loved. I stole his happiness.” Lifting my gaze, I lock my eyes on hers, “My life, destroyed his.”

  I was consumed with melancholy. Hux really believed he deserved to be treated like a lesser person. After
he told me everything I could see why he would think that, he’d been brainwashed.

  And I hated his father even more than I had this morning after hearing the way he spoke about his only child. Hux didn’t deserve any of it, yet he took it all and shouldered the weight of his father’s state of mind.

  The man needed help, but after seeing how his treatment of his son had effected Hux’s own mindset about himself, I wanted nothing more than to see that man rot in his own misery.

  I can’t understand how a parent could put that kind of pressure on a helpless child. I would think the more appropriate response would be to love and cherish Hux more, because he is his mother’s son. Shouldn’t his father appreciate that he still has a piece of her, in him?

  Understandably, Hux didn’t want to go home tonight, so I snuck him into the pool house. Not because my parents would have a problem with him being here, but because he didn’t think they’d like him. Even when I assured him they would, he was adamant about it.

  So here I am, stashing a set of PJ’s in my pillow case along with my hard drive, deodorant, toothbrush, and a handful of condoms I keep in my bathroom cabinet.

  I swipe a couple of apples off the kitchen bench on my way out the back door, “Camping in the pool house tonight, Ma.” I call to her in the walk-in pantry on my way past.

  “Okay, your father and I have that charity dinner tonight at the hotel with your grandparents, we’ll probably just stay there tonight,” she calls back.

  I’d actually forgotten about it. I hated going to those events, but thankfully this was one I was not required to attend, “Cool, have fun,” I yell then close the back door behind me.

  A sudden bolt of excitement courses thought me, I have Hux all to myself, with an actual bed at my disposal. A grin lifts my lips as I open the side door to the pool house, and slide it closed with my foot.

  I find Hux sitting on the floor, leaning back against the bed in the main bedroom, “What are you doing down there?”

  He lifts his eyes to my face and quirks a brow, “What’s that look about?”

  “I asked first, why are you on the floor?”

  Scratching the side of his neck, he looks away from me, “Everything is white in here, I don’t want to dirty it up. I was hiking half the day.”

  Tossing him an apple, I climb up on the bed and position myself behind him, then drape my legs over his shoulders, “You’re always so worried about getting things dirty, but you don’t mind being dirty,” I say, a slight hint of teasing in my tone.

  He can take it however he wants, literally, as he gets filthy at work. Or figuratively, because he seems to like getting dirty with me as much as I do with him.

  His shoulders shake with laughter, “Do you think of anything else? I thought it was a guy thing, but you think about sex just as much, if not more, than I do,” he chuckles.

  I tense my thighs around his neck, teasing, “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

  He wraps his hands around my ankles and he squeezes gently, “I didn’t say that,” he says with a grin as he tilts his head back to look up at me above him.

  I bounce my brows playfully, “Wanna help me dirty up this nice, white, bedspread?”

  Hux’s eyes heat instantly, but then he closes his eyes and shakes his head, pushing it away. “I, no, we shouldn’t.”

  Frowning, I unwrap my legs from around his head and slide down to the ground next to him, “What’s up Mr. Mysterious? You going to start holding out on me?” I’m only half teasing, in a lame attempt to lighten his, once again, dark mood.

  Reaching over, I take his hand and lace my fingers through his, and swallow hard, knowing he is going to reject the next words that come out of my mouth, but I need to say them. I don’t want there to be any doubt in his mind that I would do anything for him. “I would go with you, you know. If you asked me to.”

  And even though I anticipated his reaction, it still hurts when his entire body tenses beside mine. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I murmur. I swear I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice, but, as always, he sees straight through me.

  Before I even have time to begin my internal pity party, he’s wrapping his hands around my waist and pulling me into his lap until I’m straddling him.

  He nudges my chin up so that I’m looking at him, “You know if I was going to take someone with me, it would be you. Nobody means as much to me as you do. But I can’t take you with me, El. I don’t even know where I’m going to end up, or what I’m going to do once I get there. I have to do this on my own.”

  The tips of his fingers linger on my cheek and I lean into his touch. “I know, but I just had to tell you.”

  A small smile pulls at the corner of his lips, “I wish I was more. If I could change anything in my life, that would be it. I’d be more, better, so I could be good enough for you.”

  My bottom lip wobbles as my tears begin to fall, “Don’t say that. I don’t want to change anything about you. Not one little thing. I love you Huxley, as you are, right now, in this moment. My wish is that you could see yourself through my eyes.”

  Hux shrugs, “You’re just saying that because of the orgasms. I’ve addled your brain with orgasms. It was my plan all along.”

  I take the hint of his not so subtle subject change and drop the topic. I’ve said what I needed to say anyway, there’s nothing more I can do but enjoy my last week with him.

  So I roll my eyes back in my head and groan, “Oh god, I totally fell for it,” then I shift quickly so my boobs are pressing up under his chin and he starts laughing, “Don’t laugh, I’m seducing you. If you can use orgasms to alter my thoughts, I can use my boobs to bend you to my will.”

  “You don’t even have to try, beautiful, I’d do anything for you, even if you weren’t molesting me with your breast right now,” he says with a gorgeous grin.

  My heart melts, then begins to fracture. I smile through the pain leeching from my heart, spreading through my body one excruciating inch at a time. I jump to my feet, “Gotta pee!” I say, then dash out of the room.

  Locking myself in the bathroom, I quickly turn on the tap to drown out the sound of the sob that rips from my chest. I’ve known from the beginning that he was leaving. I also knew it would be hard to say goodbye.

  But this, this ache that is consuming my entire body, I never expected it to hurt this much.

  A soft knock comes from the other side of the door, “El, you okay?”

  I take a few deep steadying breaths then call back, “Yep, when you gotta go, you gotta go. You know?”

  I just know he’s on the other side of that door scratching the side of his neck right now, wondering if I actually had to pee or if I’m having some kind of nervous breakdown. I flush the toilet and wash my hands under the still running tap, just to make my lie a little more believable before swinging the door open.

  Hux is leaning against the opposite wall, his hands shoved into his pockets, looking at his sneaker covered feet. He glances up when I open the door fully, and I know he doesn’t believe my poor attempt at lying.

  “I knew this would happen. I should have stayed away. I’m sorry, El,” a self-deprecating laugh shudders from his chest, “Guess my old man was right. Causing pain is all I’m good for.”

  I launch myself at him and take his face in my palms, “You have made me happier than I’ve ever been, Hux. Don’t say shit like that about yourself. Your dad is a selfish prick. But despite him, you’ve turned into this amazing human being who takes my breath away with your appreciation of the little, seemingly inconsequential things in life.”

  His eyes are on mine and I can see right into him, “I love you,” I whisper then push up on my tippy toes so I can press my mouth to his kissable lips.

  “I love you too,” he says right before he takes over the kiss and switches our positions so I’m now against the wall.

  Wrapping my legs around his waist, and sliding my hands into his scruffy hair, I moan when I feel him harden between m
y legs. “No more talking, it’s depressing. I want you inside of me Hux, now, please,” I beg.

  He gives me a slight nod as he pulls me away from the wall, then carries me back to the bedroom, where he gives me a few more of those mind-altering orgasms.

  Tomorrow I’m leaving. I bought the shitty run around ute off Johnno yesterday. It’s good on fuel, and I figure I can camp in the tray until I decide on a place to settle.

  I’ve packed all my shit, not that I have much. I’m only taking my clothes, my pictures, my laptop and camera. Nothing else here holds any value to me, except Eliza. And I can’t take her.

  The idea of bringing her with me did enter my mind last week when she told me she would come with me if I asked. But I can’t do that to her. She has the makings of a great life here. She has friends, and more importantly, she has a family that loves her. I would never take her away from that.

  And since I can’t have her by my side, I’ve taken a shit ton of photos of her. They are the only thing of her I’ll be taking with me. I’ve backed every single one of them up on USB drives as well as my piece of shit laptop. Even the ones that are out of focus, I can’t bring myself to delete any of them.

  I took my final exam this afternoon, and I’m quietly confident about it. Eliza’s new study technique worked wonders. Just thinking about it makes me smile, and I know the memory of her will never leave me.

  On my way home this afternoon, I stopped in at the shops to pick something up for her. A keepsake of some sort. I had no idea what I was looking for until I saw it.

  Her words from last weekend echoed in my head- you’ve turned into this amazing human being who takes my breath away with your appreciation of the little, seemingly inconsequential things in life. I knew she was talking about my photos and my obsession with finding beauty in the most unlikely of places.

  I picked out a mint green mini polaroid camera and a case to keep it in. I knew she would get my reference to her mint coloured underwear that I’m so fond of.

  An hour later, as I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, in my now empty room, a wave of apprehension washes over me. Am I doing the right thing?