Suicide Mission (Guarded Secrets Series Book 1)

by Sara Schoen

  Rum had told me that meditation was a word that was used loosely and inaccurately by the vast majority of people. There's so much confusion about how to practice it, what it is, and what its purpose is. Which produced variations for how some people use the word, some used meditate when they meant thinking or contemplating; others use it to refer to daydreaming or fantasizing, but it was meant to allow me time to reflect and connect with myself.

  “But that isn't meditation!” she yelled angrily when she told me. “Meditation is a technique, a practice, for resting the mind and attaining an inner state of consciousness. It is the means for discovering the levels within ourselves and experiencing the center of consciousness within us all. While you meditate, the mind clears, becomes relaxed, and remains focused, but not on the world around you. When you meditate, you are fully awake and alert, but your mind is focused on you. The mind will fall silent and you explore the vast levels within yourself and obtain a sense of your inner consciousness. That's how you find out yourself. So in a way it is contemplating, but only on you, not about the external world that we are forced to live in. Meditation is you, and you alone.”

  Since I was a part of a family with three children, and now a member of a house with two teenage boys running rampant, blocking out sounds around me was the easy part. I had learned to block them out so that I could study, focus, and even just have a moment to think to myself. I pushed out the thoughts of the noises around me, the footsteps in the hallway, the soft music emanating from somewhere in the building and the talking in the distance. Soon the sounds fell on deaf ears and I focused inwardly, I focused on myself and had to fight through my inner levels.

  As soon as my mind relaxed, headlights shone in my eyes, screams erupted in my ears, and there was a steering wheel in my hands. I felt my breathing pick up, not remaining the same steady pace I had set up with my breathing exercises, I was losing control of it. The headlights shone brightly in my eyes, I had gone through this scenario multiple times in my life, trying to think of another way it could have ended, but I couldn't see another ending. As I tried to fight through this so I could deepen my meditation, I remembered what Rum had said while I meditated before, that I had to let go of something to gain a new understanding. Her words were still confusing, but as I repeated the words to myself I felt my hands let go of the steering wheel. The headlights got closer until a sudden jerk sprang me forward, and then the sound of metal scraping on asphalt hit my ears.

  It was the same crash I had lived over and over in my dreams and daydreams, looking for an answer that I would never find, until now. This time when the car stopped rolling and I looked around to see my family, I didn't see anyone. I had been the only one in the car, meaning I was the only one hurt and that I hadn't killed them this time. I had let go of the wheel, my fear, and guilt of the crash, and gained peace that it wasn't entirely my fault. I had some understanding that to me the crash wasn't an accident and we were supposed to die in it; I had survived.

  I had survived, and because of that I felt guilty, but by letting go of the guilt I had brought a sense of peace to me. It was easy to blame myself, but forgiving myself was the difficult task. There were many things I had to forgive myself for before I could move on, the suicide attempt, the depression, and the loss of close friends. I had caused it, but blamed it on other things and now it was time to forgive and move on. I took a deep breath and let my body relax into the new found peace and a tear slipped down my cheek as I moved deeper into my inner conscience.

  I tried to relax as I explored deeper parts of myself, learning what I had to give up and move on. I saw old friends that I haven't seen in years, each one of them followed by fond memories and passing moments. There was a block once I hit my ex on my journey into myself. I tried to push back the thoughts as his harsh words about me came into my memories. How I was useless, wouldn't be forgiven, how my scar would define me, about the fact that no one would care anymore, and the most hurtful one, if I wanted to die then I didn't do a good job.

  I felt my body shake with anger, there wasn't a way for me to push through it and I couldn't bring myself to let the words run past me as I once had. I felt tears slip down my cheeks as more of his words streamed into my mind. I took a deep breath to calm myself and forced myself to push past his words. I had to move past them before I broke down, he was the one person I could never forgive, but I could let the words go past me and allow me to move forward in my life. I kept up my breathing training to calm me down as I made it through the awful words and to the Rickers.

  I could feel a blissful peace take over as I thought of my foster family. They had taken me in when I had no one else, and not even because my family had asked them to, but because they wanted to. I knew it would break their hearts to figure out what happened if this went wrong or if I decided to join, but if they knew the truth I knew they would understand. I had made a rash choice to join the agency, gone through multiple training activities all to better myself and make a difference to those around me.

  There was a moment when my mind started to focus on all the good I could do with this agency, with this new life. That was worth the risk, it was worth the training, the lack of sleep and the new determination to focus on what Rum was teaching me. If I could let go of everything that was holding me back, the fear and anxiety of the mission, I could move forward and see the good I was going to do. That's what Rum had been trying to teach me through meditation and breathing, she gave me everything I needed to realize that this was going to give me a better meaning of life then just getting by.

  “I honestly didn't think you'd show up, much less be continuing your training with what I taught you,” Rum suddenly said from behind me. I jumped at her voice, I hadn't even heard her walk in. I had been so wrapped up in my own inner thoughts and demons that even the sound of the door slamming shut hadn't brought me out of it.

  “To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would either,” I responded with a weak smile.

  “Have you been crying?”

  “I was letting go of some baggage,” I said hesitantly as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying, but I hoped that she would understand what I meant by baggage and accept my poorly attempted apology. She smiled back at me as she looked me over. I wasn't sure what the smile was about, but I could only assume that it was because she had figured out that I had been doing what she instructed. I was attempting to show her that while her training seemed odd and outlandish to me, that I was willing to try it for the mission and train under her afterward.

  “Get up, I have one more thing to teach you before you go and this will fall right under what you consider actual training.”

  I felt a smile stretch across my face as I got up quickly, “I'm ready.”

  “I sure hope so, because you're in for hell tomorrow,” was all she said before she instructed me on how to crouch and walk swiftly, but softly. What I didn't know is just how much her training, whether I considered it at the time or not, would come in handy because I was going to be in an uncomfortably tight situation that I wouldn't have been prepared for any other way.

  Chapter 16

  “Sara,” I heard a voice call through the veil of sleep that had me tightly encased, pulling me into the darkness of an easy slumber. “It's time to wake up. Will you please get up? I don't want to have to get a water bucket,” the voice threatened. I groaned and tightened the sheets and comforter around my body, just before I was roughly shaken awake. “It's time to get up, Sara. We have to go!” Demon called while violently shaking me from my sleep.

  “I'm up, I'm up, please stop shaking me!” I cried. I felt my head spinning and a head ache forming the more he shook me. He had let go of me when I asked, but threatened that if I didn't get moving he would actually go to get a water bucket and dump it on me. With a groan I forced myself out of bed and stretched to wake myself up before moving. The baggy shirt I had found in my drawers looked like an oversized dress on me when I stood up from the comfort of
my bed.

  “When did you go to sleep? You were out like a light when I came to check on you,” Demon said. “I came in here to talk to you and you didn't even react. I shook you at one point to see if you were faking, but you were not waking up!”

  “I once slept through a tree falling onto the garage right outside my bedroom window at home,” I pointed out as I pulled the bags that Ms. De Luca had given me and pulled out the travel clothes she packed for me. A pair of jeans and the black shirt that had a look-a-like of Rum's Hamsa tattoo, along with a pair of Converses for me to wear out of here.

  It hadn't occurred to me to ask where she had gotten these clothes from while I was down there with her. I was starting to wonder if all the donations that my mother and Mrs. Ricker had done over the years for clothes and appliances came here first, like Jen said. Then when they had gone through the outfits, if they were still wearable, they donated them to thrift stores. It made me curious where my clothes really went after my mother’s donated them or the ones I got from thrift stores afterward. Did they go on missions to foreign countries or were they simply sent to one of the donation areas?

  “Sara,” Demon said, interrupting my thoughts. “When did you go to sleep, and can you please hurry up? We have to be downstairs in ten minutes.”

  “Rum sent me to sleep early,” I said with a yawn as I walked to my bathroom, with my clothes in hand, to get changed. “As for asking me to speed up, I only need six minutes,” I said before I shut the door and changed out of my clothes quickly.

  I raced through the daily needs, then raked a hair brush through my hair to pull it into a ponytail, and hurried out of the bathroom. I tossed the brush in and grabbed the bags from my bed. I stood ready to go while I waited for Demon to hop off my unmade bed. He glanced at his watch then gave me an approving nod as he led me out of the room.

  “Made it with a minute to spare,” Demon said, actually sounding impressed with me. He was probably impressed because he was one of those boys that thought all girls took thirty minutes to get ready in the morning. “I hope your luck keeps up, Sara. I really do,” he added as we walked briskly through the halls.

  Demon said that we were heading into the main entrance to the home and would take an elevator down to the basement to get into the car. I was finally going to see what this building actually looked like besides just hallways on hallways, I thought excitedly. However instead of seeing the main room, I was actually greeted by numerous people that were cheering and applauding as we walked through. I glanced at Demon for an answer, but he just kept walking toward an elevator that would take us into the basement.

  Agents clapped and wished us good luck on our mission, and one man even came forward to shake my hand. He violently shook my tiny hand and popped a few of my fingers while he did so, before he pulled me into a hug and spoke to me. “We are thankful you took this mission when no one else would. Please avenge our fallen partners and friends. I know you'll do wonderfully, Sara,” he said with a wide smile.

  “Do I know you?” I asked curiously. He looked to be in his early forties, with dark brown hair and a strong jaw line. This man didn't look the least bit familiar to me, but he somehow knew me and to be honest, he seemed oddly reminiscent.

  “I'm Fire Fox, we are very old friends. I haven't seen you since you were a child, and now you're an agent,” he said with a whimsical tone as if he was in awe that I grew up. I tilted my head to the side in confusion, and he took that as a sign to continue. “I knew your father, we were great friends in school, even after, and I'm so pleased to see that you've been okay for the last few years. I've tried to keep track of you, but it's been hard,” he said as he shocked me straight to my core. I had so many questions and I wanted answers as soon as possible. “We have a lot to talk about, but it will have to wait until you get back. I know you want answers and stories, but it will have to wait until after this mission. Think of it as a reward for coming back, because I can't wait to meet you properly,” he said with a smile as he hugged me again.

  “I-I-don't—”

  “This wasn't the time to tell her, Fire Fox.” Demon growled, interrupting my mindless stuttering before I could form a whole sentence. “She had enough on her mind and now you've just added to it. You were instructed not to say anything until afterward for that reason.”

  “She should've known before she was sent into this mission. You should have told her that she had people here who knew her and her family, instead you chose to keep her in the dark. I want her to know.” He growled back, before turning his hazel eyes back to me. “I have great faith in you and will explain everything when you come back, I promise. Just do whatever Demon tells you to and you'll do wonderfully.”

  I nodded to him as Demon grabbed my hand and led me away. I saw Fire Fox offer a small smile as a tall blonde man came to join him and put his hand on Fire Fox's shoulder for comfort. I waved good-bye to them both as we got into the elevator and the doors shut, sealing us off from the other agents. The cheering died down quickly as the elevator started moving, and we travelled down to the basement to get into the car.

  “Did you know?” I asked curiously. “About him knowing my father and that he knew me. That someone tried to find me and keep track of me?”

  “Yes, I did know he tried to keep track of you. I knew that he knew your parents, but he couldn't get in touch with you. It's against the rules here—anyone on the outside can't know we exist after we disappear. I'm sure he wanted to tell you, but he still shouldn't have told you before this mission. I need you focused,” Demon said in anger.

  I flinched, even though I knew he wasn't angry at me, he was just worried that I would now fail in this mission because my mind was focused on other things. I promised myself I would meditate to ease my mind when we got into the car, but that idea fell through when the doors to the elevator opened. As we stepped out to join our team, I spotted Raider and Spit Fire in the middle of a heated argument. Spit Fire looked so angry that if her hair could catch fire, it would have by now. Raider was inches from her face and judging from his rigid posture he was just as furious as she was. I could hear a few harsh words exchanged, but tried to focus more on what Demon was telling me.

  “You can catch up on sleep in the car, and honestly I would if I were you, because you’ll need it. Whiplash and I are only here in case we are needed. Since we were there for the last mission we would be too obvious, and they know all our tricks. They won't fall for the same trick that got us out last time, so we have to stay behind unless we are absolutely needed. It will be Spit Fire and Raider's call on whether we are needed, but they will do everything in their power to not have to call us in fear of another battle. At this moment, I don't think an agreement will be easy to make,” he said glancing over my shoulder to look at their argument. “Anyway, you three are the heart and soul of this mission, and you'll need to work together to make it work.”

  “What are we doing?”

  “You'll be going in to retrieve the files, Spit Fire and Raider are there for back up. If you run into trouble they will start making noise to draw the cartel away from you. They are more trained, just lay low and wait for them to move everything away from you,” he said as he tossed my bags in the car and looked back over at Spit Fire and Raider. “Oi! Whatever you two are fighting about now, end it!”

  Both of them stopped immediately and looked at Demon. It was as if they were waiting for him to say something, but when he didn't they quickly went back to glaring back at each other. I saw Spit Fire roll her eyes and switch her weight from one foot to the next. Raider mumbled under his breath and then said something to her. She growled and flipped him off, and then they split to go their separate ways.

  “Do they always fight like that?” I asked curiously as I heard a car door slam on the other side of the vehicle. I could feel the tension emanating from the car as Raider slid past me to get in. I shivered at the thought of being trapped with them for the two hour car ride to Sandtown in Maryland.

&
nbsp; “Sometimes, but they are just passionate about their topics,” Demon said just as Spit Fire called Raider a crude word, which described exactly where she thought his opinion belonged. “You're riding in the back with them,” Demon said with a shoulder shrug. He glanced at my worried expression before he added, “Again catch up on sleep, if you can I mean.”

  “Where will you be during this time exactly?” I asked as he walked away from me to shut the trunk of the car.

  “I sit up front with Whiplash. We still have some stuff to work out from our previous argument. Sharp Shooter says that only one of us can lead the team if this make-shift combination is going to function at all. It's time we figure out who. Here, these are motion sickness pills I'm hoping they will help you with your car issues,” Demon said as he handed me two pills and passed by me to get into the driver’s seat.

  The car’s engine revved to life to tell me it was time to go. I nodded to Demon in his side mirrors to acknowledge the message before slid in next to Raider. I glanced over his shoulder to see Spit Fire with her head tilted back, already be asleep.

  “Here's some water,” Raider said, brusquely forcing a water bottle into my hand. I was going to say thank you, but before I could he stuck his foot in his mouth again. “Take the pills. I don't want you going hysterical and keeping me up.”

  I sighed angrily as he moved around to get comfortable and I popped the pills in my mouth. Glancing through the window I could see the car start to roll out of its spot in the garage and make its way down a long tunnel back into the outside world. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes in anticipation to see it again. It felt like I hadn't stepped foot outside since the accident, I was looking forward to it, except it didn't happen right away.

  ***

  I must have fallen asleep, because I didn't see the outside of the building and I didn't remember most of the car ride. I quickly learned why when Raider jokingly asked, “Do you like being sedated or do they just do it so you don't act out?” when I was once again having a hard time focusing after I woke up from sedation. I could make out a long building with a sign that read Candlewood Suites, as I stumbled toward Demon.