“It is because of Andi, but it’s not what you’re thinking. She’s my friend, Cappy, and nothing more. She’s helping me work through my past. Andi understands loss and grieving. Neither one of us are in a place for anything more than friendship.”
He holds his hands up. “I wasn’t implying anything, or saying anything more would be a bad thing. I just notice a difference in the two of you lately. I like it. I have one job here, son, and that’s to take care of Andi and Charley. I like the fact that Andi is coming back to life. If I had to guess, it’s thanks to you.”
“Obviously, I didn’t know her before, but was she different? I can’t imagine her acting any other way than she does now.” I’m intrigued. I want to know every facet of Andi Bankston that I can.
He shrugs. “I’m not sure. I never knew a different Andi. I didn’t meet her until after Charlie was killed.”
That statement throws me for a loop. They seem so close. I just assumed they’ve been close all these years.
“Really? I never would have known.”
“I was focused on one thing before my son was taken from me- my career. I hardly ever saw him. I didn’t even know he was married until after the fact. When I got the visit from the CACO team telling me that he was gone, I gave it all up. Walked away from my life in the Navy and straight into this one.” He grows silent for a minute, and watches Charley go down the small slide.
“I went straight to Andi. That poor child was all alone.” He chuckles. “Well, except for Celeste. Thank God for Celeste. She was unbelievable. I don’t think Andi would have survived without Celeste. Anyway, I had to get the two of them away from there. Too many memories threatening to do too much harm. So, I helped them pack up their lives and we came here. My priority in life shifted to taking care of them. Insta-family. I think we’ve done pretty well for ourselves.”
I smile at this man that is so much like Thomas Brennan. “I can’t argue with that, Cappy. Speaking of family, Andi has convinced me to go home this weekend. I need to get some of my things I left behind. She also thinks I can’t possibly handle the task without her, so I’m taking her and Charley with me. Is that alright with you?”
“You don’t need my permission for that.”
“I wasn’t necessarily asking your permission, but asking for work purposes. Can you and Celeste work this weekend for us?”
He laughs. “Yeah, I think we can handle it.” He gets a serious look on his face. It’s one you don’t see too often from Cappy. “Are you sure you’re ready to go back there?”
“Nope, but Andi argues a good case.”
After loading all of Charley’s things in the truck, I’m not sure I’ll have room to bring any of my stuff back to Fairhope.
“How does someone so small require so much stuff?”
“This is nothing. I left a lot of stuff I wanted to bring. I figure we’re not leaving civilization, so if I forgot something, I’ll just go buy it.”
Andi checks, re-checks, and triple checks the car seat, gets Charley strapped in, and we get situated in the front of the truck. Just as I’m about to pull off, Celeste comes barreling out the front door, dragging about three rolling suitcases behind her.
“Wait for me,” she’s yelling breathlessly, trying to run on mile high shoes.
“What the hell?” Andi says, shaking her head and shooting me an inquisitive look.
“You didn’t invite her?”
“No. I would never do that without asking you.” We can hear the suitcases being thrown in the back with a thunk.
“Scoot,” Celeste says when she opens the passenger side door.
“Ceste,” Charley calls from the back, clapping, obviously excited about our new travel companion.
“Hey, baby. I’m comin’ with. How fun is this gonna be?” she asks, pushing herself against Andi, forcing her to push against me. Not that I’m complaining about Andi’s proximity, but Celeste just added an extra layer of stress to the trip.
“What are you doing? I thought you were helping Cap this weekend? You can’t do that if you’re three hours away.”
“He thought I needed a weekend away, too.”
“Bullshit,” Andi mouths, mindful of the little ears in the back of the truck. “Seriously, what are you doing?”
“Backup. You know, in case I need to kick anyone’s ass on Miller’s behalf.”
Anxious to get on the road and get this over with, I just pull out of Andi’s driveway and go. I can deal with a few days of Celeste. She’s the least of my worries at this point. An hour is added on to our trip due to potty breaks for Charley, but I don’t mind. I would be perfectly fine if ten extra hours were added to the drive. The closer we get to home, the stronger the urge grows to turn the truck around and head back to Fairhope. Dread settles in my gut. I don’t know why I let Andi convince me this was a good idea. She knows I’m freaking out. Every couple of minutes she runs her hand up and down my arm, or squeezes my thigh or neck. Finally, I just grab her hand and hold it in mine. I need to keep that connection with her.
When we get to the hotel I get us a couple of rooms. She argues with me when I only get the room for one night.
“One night? What happened to a long weekend? You said we weren’t going back until Monday.”
“We’re not staying here. I’m doing what I need to do and then I’m taking us to New Orleans.” She smiles and claps. Celeste is squealing. “I don’t need more than a night here. I don’t want more than a night here, Andi.”
She looks at the clerk and says, “One night is fine. Thank you.” After that, the smile drops from her face and she looks at her best friend. “I don’t know why you’re so excited about New Orleans. Since you invited yourself without asking, you can be on babysitting duty at night while Miller and I go out. You can’t come.”
I just shake my head and let the clerk finish up on the computer and get us the room keys.
We find our rooms and I get the girls settled so Charley can take her nap. After countless trips to the truck, the bags are unloaded and I have run out of excuses to do what I came here to do. Andi gets Celeste to sit with Charley so she can walk me down to my truck. She grabs both of my hands in hers and pleads with me.
“Miller, please let me come with you. I promise, there isn’t anything you can do that I won’t be able to handle. It’s just her mom and her sister. I want to be there for you. That’s what I came for. I don’t want you to hurt.”
I loosen her grip on my hands and cradle her face in her hands, staring into those compelling green eyes until she looks down at her feet.
She’s always the one who looks away first.
“I know you want to help, but this is something I need to do on my own.” I place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. “Thank you, Andi.”
She looks back up at me, a smile on her face. “For what? You won’t even let me do anything.”
“You’re very wrong, ma’am. You’ve done everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.” She opens her mouth to protest, but I place my finger over her mouth. “I mean it, Andi. I was in a pretty dark place when I met you. You’re slowly pulling me from that place. I’m not out yet, but you’re getting me there. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t even begin to cover it, but it’s a start.”
His eyes start to water, making the green a thousand times more vibrant. She pushes herself into my chest and squeezes me. Her raspy voice comes out in a whisper. “I love you, Miller. Now, hurry and go do what you need to do so you can come back.”
I pull back and raise her face to meet mine. Those tears have managed to spill down her cheeks. I gently wipe her face, then turn to get in my truck.
As I’m getting in, I hear her yell, “You got this, Miller Ashby.”
I’m smiling as I make the drive to Claire’s house. Her words float around in my mind.
I love you, Miller.
I know she doesn’t mean it in any way other than friendship. We’ve become the best of friends. We’ve grown to
need each other in the most desperate of ways.
But she could never love me the way she loves her husband.
I’ve grown to love Andi Bankston, too.
But I could never love her the way I love Goose.
Sometimes I wish things were different for the two of us. I wish we had met under different circumstances, at different times in our lives. I wish we met before we were both destroyed by love. We might not be the same Miller and Andi we are today, but we would have a fighting chance at life and love.
I try. I really do. I try to be strong, just like Andi swears I am. She has such confidence in me. I wish I could believe her. I should have let her come with me like she wanted.
Did I go where I needed to go? No. It’s like my truck was on auto-pilot. I had every intention of driving to Claire’s house to check on her, Maggie, and Ava. But, instead, my truck pointed towards Bennett’s, and now I’m sitting across the street from their little house like a fucking stalker. Every few minutes, I get a glimpse of her through the window. She literally knocks the breath out of me each time she passes by and I see her silhouette in the glass. I’m so close to her. God, I miss her. Much more than I realized I did. Seeing her again brings all those feelings that were starting to subside right back to the surface.
And it fucking hurts.
She’s in there with him. They are smiling, laughing, and so happy it’s making me feel sick. Not able to take it much longer, I pull back out onto the road. But do I go to Claire’s house? Nope. I head to a little hole-in-the-wall bar I spotted a few miles down the road and do what I do best. Get lost in booze when Lucy gets to be too much for me to deal with.
The beers are going down like water. I haven’t been drinking lately, so they are also going straight to my head, and there’s only one thing on my mind right now. Too bad I’m only surrounded by shady characters in this place. I should have gone somewhere closer to campus. I need to do something to ease this pain I feel, and there’s no one in this dive bar that can help me. As soon as I pay my tab and walk to the parking lot, trying to decide where I’m going next, Andi texts.
Andi: Done?
Miller: Haven’t started
Andi: WTH Miller?
Miller: I’m going
Damn it. I need to get this over with. I need to get my stuff first, and then I can find a woman to help me forget about Goose.
Maybe this time it will actually work.
Chapter Thirteen
Miller
The front door opens before I can even shut off my engine. Ava comes running down the driveway, with Claire close on her heels. I grab the little girl and hold her tight, breathing her in. She looks amazing, healthy, and happy. She’s thriving in this environment, just like I knew she would.
“Miller, you’re home,” she squeals in my ear. “I’m so happy.”
I look at her chubby little face, smiling. “I just came for a visit, princess. How are you feeling?”
“Awesome!”
“Miller Ashby, put her down and come give me a hug,” Claire demands from behind us.
I do as she asks, just like I have since I was a boy. Ava runs along the side of the house to the back yard and I walk into Claire’s embrace. She’s warm and welcoming. This is what a mother should do for her son, I think. I can also say, with one hundred percent certainty, that I will not get a welcome like this from my own mother.
She pulls away and clutches at her chest. “All my babies are home.” Her eyes are swimming in tears. “Let’s go inside. We can have a glass of iced tea.”
She won’t let go of my hand as we walk up the front walk. Claire knows me just as well as her daughters do. She knows that this is not a permanent trip home. She just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. If she doesn’t say anything, we can pretend I’m home for good.
“Where’s Maggie?” I ask, looking around as she pours us some sweet tea.
“At her apartment. Did you ask her to come meet us?”
“No. Last time I talked to her she said she was moving home.”
A radiant smile takes over Claire’s face. “You should go over there when you leave here. She stayed there, but Finn’s moved in with her. He’s just incredible, Miller. He’s an amazing man. She’s lucky to have him.”
I give her a strange look. “Finn? From The Red Magnolia?”
The same Finn that she wanted to murder when I left?
She nods enthusiastically. “Yes. It’s quite the sight to see. Finn is so good for her. He’s changed her as much as being pregnant has changed her. Those two are really good together. I love seeing my girls so hap-,” she stops abruptly, remembering the reason for my sudden departure from all of their lives. All of the color has drained from her face.
Ava comes in the house and perks up at the mention of Finn. “I love Finn. Is he coming over to play with me? I want to see him.”
“No, honey, I was just telling Miller about him. Miller is going to visit him and Maggie.”
Ava looks a bit defeated. “Oh, then I guess I’ll just play with Miller.”
Claire and I just laugh.
“Looks like I’ve been replaced in my absence,” I tell her.
I stay at the house a little while longer, playing with Ava and engaging in small talk with Claire. It’s not forced or uncomfortable, but our relationship is not the same as it once was. We’ve both changed so much since I’ve left home. She’s dealing with the loss of her husband and the addition of Ava to the family, and I’m dealing with the loss of Lucy. We’re both trying to figure out who we are now. We’re certainly not the same people we were when I left.
I say my goodbyes to Ava, leaving her in the den to play, while Claire walks me to my truck. In typical Claire fashion, tears are present.
“Miller, please consider coming back. I know this is hard for you, but it’s hard on all of us, too. We miss you and want you back home with us. All of us do. You are a part of this family. You always have been. Nothing and no one can change that or take that away.”
“I know, but I just can’t do it. I’m sorry. Maybe someday, but not now.”
She holds me until I finally have to pull away from her arms and go. I don’t pry my eyes from the rearview mirror as I drive away. She stays at the end of the driveway, waving with one hand and wiping her tears with the other until my truck turns down the end of the street and towards my own childhood home. If I had to guess, she stays in the driveway even after my truck has disappeared from sight.
I didn’t bother telling my mom and dad that I was coming back here. I send up a small prayer of thanks when I pull into the driveway and notice that all the lights are off inside the house. I can go in, do what I need to do, and get out.
This house is such a contradiction to the one I just left, and always has been. The Brennan house was always warm and welcoming. It screams ‘family’. This home is cold and sterile. It’s all for show. It’s a visual reminder of the successes of my parents. It’s never felt like home to me. I’ve always felt more at ease at Goose’s house. That was my home. My safe haven.
I let myself in through the front door, punch in the alarm code, and head straight upstairs to my bedroom, which is where I assume they put my stuff. When I left, I had them go to the apartment and box up the rest of my things. I snicker. I can’t imagine my parents doing such a menial task. I’m sure they hired someone to do it for them.
I walk into my bedroom, which is like a time capsule, immortalizing my relationship with Goose over the years. Evidence of us is everywhere I turn. I can’t look to one place in this room and not see traces of her. She was with me when I picked out the bedspread that is currently draped across my bed, the nick in the baseboard by the closet is where she dropped one of my baseball trophies, and every picture tacked on the wall or in a frame on the desk has her beautiful face in it. I close my eyes and sink down on the bed, lost in the flood of memories. My favorite one is at the forefront of my mind. This is the bed where it all started. The bed where we went from bei
ng Lucy and Miller to being Lucy and Miller. It was short-lived, but it was the best time in my life. I would give anything to go back in time and have that back.
I can’t concentrate on my homework. She’s so close and she’s so damn cute. I wonder what she would do if I just leaned over and kissed her. I’ve wanted to put my lips on hers for so long, but she’s so damn stubborn. She refuses to even entertain the idea of dating anyone. I’m gonna change that.
Right now.
“Do I have something on my face?” she asks.
I just shake my head at her and smile.
“No.”
“Hanging out my nose?” she asks, wiping under it with her sleeve.
“Nope.”
“Why are you staring at me, Miller? You’re creeping me out.”
“I think we should go out, Goose.”
“Are you hungry again? We just ate. Let me get my shoes and we can go grab something to eat.”
She doesn’t get it. I scoot closer to her on the bed and push her books off her lap, replacing them with my hands, rubbing them up and down her legs. I watch in fascination as the skin starts to erupt in goosebumps from my touch. I like that I do this to her.
“I’m not talking about right now. I want to take you on a date this weekend. Maybe there is something to what everyone has been telling us.” I know there’s something here. Everyone else knows there’s something here. I just need her to get with the program.
A blush starts creeping up her chest, making its way up her face. I want to trail it with my lips.
“What the hell, Miller? How many times have we talked about this?”
“Don’t start your shit about ‘I can’t date anyone, my kidney, blah, blah, blah’. I’m not talking about just anyone, Goose. I’m talking about me. It’s ME. No pressure, no expectations. You can’t live your life and never go on a date. That’s just crazy. Just do this and let’s see what happens.”
She’s mulling it over, but I also know exactly what she’s got going on in her head. She can’t pull anything over on me. I know her better than I know myself.
The Promise of More: The Home Series, Book Three Page 9
