“Goose, I know what you’re thinking. This is not the same as what we do all the time. I want you dressed up. I’m taking you ON A DATE. This is the real deal.”
She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. “Fine. Can you at least tell me where we are going so I can raid Maggie’s closet.”
“Gino’s. Saturday night. I’ll pick you up at 7.”
I push off the bed, running my hands through my unruly black hair. I have to get out of here. The longer I stay, the worse I feel. She’s haunting me in this place. It’s pure torture.
I make several trips to the truck, loading all the boxes in the bed. I stop by my father’s study, grabbing the first decanter I can get my hands on, and throw back a few shots. I don’t know what the amber liquid is; I just know it’s effective in making the pain diminish to a dull throb. I light a cigarette and head for the door.
I should have taken the liquor with me, I think, as I lean against my truck, staring at the door to my old apartment. I just thought my bedroom at my parent’s house was bad. That was nothing compared to the memories behind the door I’m looking at. I burn through several cigarettes while I try to muster up enough courage to walk the few feet to the door and knock. Our relationship was in overdrive in that apartment. We loved hard in that apartment, but fought just as hard. We fought with each other, and we fought for her life. I held her, night after night, after I helped her with dialysis, and she’d cry herself to sleep. We thought she was living out her last days. I feel ashamed for entertaining the thought, but sometimes I think I wouldn’t hurt so much if that were actually the case. She’s still a ghost to me, just a ghost that didn’t die.
I hope I can handle being in there. I just need to check in on Mags and get out.
I put out my cigarette and knock on the door. I can hear Maggie yelling on the other side for me to come in. I brace myself and twist open the knob. I can see her head sticking up from behind the couch. She’s hollering for me to fix a plate of food.
“If you cooked, I think I’ll pass,” I tell her. I would never eat her food.
At the sound of my voice, her head whips around and she starts screaming, running towards me and jumping into my arms. Well, as much as she can. She’s huge!
“God, Mags, look at you. You’re about to pop.”
A tall, tattooed, and pierced guy is immediately at her back. I can only assume this is Finn. He’s probably wondering why Maggie is wrapped around me. She pulls herself from my arms and goes to him, making introductions.
“Finn, this is Miller, my friend that I was telling you about. The one whose room you’re currently residing in. Miller, this is Finn, my baby daddy.”
I can see she hasn’t changed a bit. I shake my head and reach out to shake Finn’s hand. I think it’s interesting that she said he’s staying in my old room. What’s that about?
“Miller,” Finn says and nods. “Based on what I’ve heard from some of her other friends, you can disregard any of the shit she’s told you about me. Bennett’s filled me in and it seems Magpie likes to exaggerate about some of the particulars of our early relationship. I’m really not as bad as she makes me out to be.”
“Well, according to Claire, you’re a step down from a saint. She went on and on about you.” I look back at Maggie. “I went over there first, but she said you were still living here. Last I heard, you were moving home.”
“Finn’s a bully. He’s forcing me to live in sin.”
“I didn’t hear any complaints an hour ago when you had my di-”
“My God, you two are perfect for each other,” I tell them, stopping the rest of that sentence from leaving Finn’s mouth. “I don’t need to hear the rest of that sentence, man. Mags is like my little sister.”
Finn kisses Maggie and affectionately pats her protruding belly. “I’m gonna go grab a shower and let the two of you catch up.”
We make our way to the couch and get comfortable. I listen through the thin walls, waiting for the water from the shower to cut on. As soon as I hear it moving through the pipes, I start my interrogation. I can’t wait to hear how all of this came to be.
“Spill it, Maggie. What the hell is going on? When I left town you were plotting his murder. Now you’re living together and your mom’s rantin’ and ravin’ about how awesome he is. He’s even got Ava in the Finn Fan Club.”
She’s grinning like I’ve never seen before. “He’s a totally different person. It’s like when I told him I was pregnant he did a complete one-eighty and got his shit together. He wants to make sure I’m good, that the babies are good. He’s not partying anymore, he’s working two jobs, and he’s trying to buy his own business. I’ve never been this happy, Miller. It’s like I’m living someone else’s life. It doesn’t seem real.”
“Whoa, back up. Did you say ‘babies’?” I must have had a little too much to drink at my parents.
She nods and her huge smile takes over her whole face. Her eyes are dancing. “We’re having twins. Crazy, right? I told you, it doesn’t seem real.”
I grab my friend’s hand and squeeze it. She deserves this. I’m glad someone is getting their happy ending. “I’m glad you’re happy, Mags. It’s good to see you like this. You weren’t so happy when I left town.”
We both grow pensive when I mention my leaving. I’m sure she’s mulling over the circumstances surrounding my departure, just like I am. Her dad’s death, Lucy and Ava’s surgeries, her surprise pregnancy. It was not a good time for anyone in our tight-knit circle.
“How is she?” I ask. I tried not to do it, but I can’t help it. She’s a huge elephant in the room, demanding attention and not resting until it’s given.
“She’s good. Happy.” I know Maggie doesn’t want to say much more. She’s trying to spare me. She doesn’t know I can’t possibly feel worse than I already do.
I should stop, but I keep pushing. “Is she still doing alright from her surgery? Any complications?”
She just shakes her head. “She’s even started running again.”
My eyes start to burn. “That’s got to make her feel good. She wanted that so bad.” I smile at the memory of her wanting to run with me. “God, she would get so mad at me when I’d go for a run and she couldn’t.”
“Are you gonna go see her while you’re here?”
I already sat outside of her house like a stalker.
I’ll probably get shit-faced and do it again.
“I can’t,” I whisper, wiping at the corners of my eyes. Fuck. I’ve got to pull it together. “I just wanted to come by to check on you and pick up some stuff I left at my parents’ house when I left town.”
“Are you settling down somewhere?” she asks. I can see the concern swimming in her eyes.
My thoughts immediately drift to Andi. If I were to settle somewhere, it would most certainly be in Fairhope with her. She’s good for me. She just gets me. I don’t want to share that with Maggie, though. Andi’s just for me.
I nod. “I don’t know for how long. I need to stay in one place for a while. It’s in the middle of nowhere, it’s quiet, and I can work. Mindless, thoughtless work with some good people. It’s what I need right now. I don’t know if I can ever come back here. I sure as hell can’t do it any time soon. Too many ghosts.”
“What about school, Miller? Don’t throw all your hard work away. You were so close.”
I smile at my friend. “Listen to you, already mothering. I’m not stopping forever, but my head’s not in a good place right now. I need to figure some things out.” I need to figure out who the new me is. “I don’t know who I am without her.”
“I get it. Please don’t be a stranger. Call me so I can know you’re alive. Come visit when you can. These babies will be here soon and they need to know their Uncle Miller.”
I rub her stomach. “I’ll work on it. It’s so damn hard to be here. Eventually it might not be. It’s got to stop hurting soon, right?”
She doesn’t answer me, which I don’t take as a good
sign. She should have just said it. No, Miller, it will never stop hurting. You will feel like your heart was ripped out for the rest of your life. It will never get better.
She walks me to the door and we hold each other, hesitant to pull apart and break our connection.
“Miller, please take care of yourself. I love you,” she says, crying.
“I will. And you let me know when those babies get here. I can’t promise that I’ll come, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Love you, Mags.”
Chapter Fourteen
Miller
Tequila.
I really should listen to my own advice. I told Andi it was a bad idea at The Shipyard that night, yet I’m sitting here throwing back shots of it like my life depends on it. The thought of my feisty red-headed friend brings a smile to my face. I want to call her and tell her to come meet me, but I remember that she’s in a strange town and she’s stranded without a car. I still need to hear her voice. I need that raspy sound to sooth my wounds from the day. I finally get my phone out of my pocket after several failed attempts.
Damn tequila.
“Miller,” she whispers in that raspy voice that shoots straight to my cock. I can hear the relief coming through the phone. I guess I’ve been gone longer than she expected.
“Andrea Hope,” I say, grinning from ear to ear.
“What did I tell you about that?” she asks, attempting to sound mad at the use of her full name, but I can tell she’s smiling.
“I want you to come meet me. Tequila and I are getting reacquainted and it doesn’t seem right to party with my old friend without you. Our threesome isn’t the same without my favorite red-head.”
“Damn it, Miller.” She stops, and I can picture her pulling on her lip, trying to figure out what she’s gonna do about the fact that I’m sitting at a bar getting shit-faced. I’m picturing that lip in between my teeth while I pump in and out of her when her sexy voice comes through the phone again. “Where are you? I can call a cab and come meet you.”
“That’s the thing, Andi. I have no idea where I am. I’m lost, just like I always am. I needed to talk to you.”
She sighs. “Can you call yourself a cab and come back here, then?”
“You miss me?”
“I don’t like you like this.”
“Yes you do. You love me. You said so earlier.”
She sighs again. “I do love you, Miller. I don’t like to see you hurting.”
I close my eyes and rub my hand up and down my face, even though I can’t feel the movement. “You know what, Andrea Hope? If things were different, I could fall in love with you, too.”
“Miller, I didn’t say I was in lo-,” she starts, but I push ‘end’ on my phone before she can get the sentence out.
I signal for the bartender to close out my tab, I down a few glasses of water, and head back to my truck. A stupid move, but I never claimed to be smart. That damn truck is steering itself again, and next thing I know, I’m back in front of Lucy’s house.
I sit across the street and stare at the house, wondering what she’s doing inside. Wondering how she can just go on with her life, knowing she’s destroying mine, bit by bit, day by day. I spent my whole life taking care of her and making sure she was happy, and I got nothing in return. Does she still think about me? She hasn’t even attempted contact since that night I told her to leave me alone. If I mean anything to her at all, that shouldn’t have stopped her.
I step outside of the truck to smoke a cigarette. Much like my truck, my legs start moving on their own. Next thing I know, I’m pounding on the front door.
Fuck, what am I doing?
She opens the front door, and my hand drops. I step back, in shock that she’s standing right in front of me. I can’t handle this. I can’t handle her. I need to get out of here.
“Miller?” she cries, her hand flying over her mouth. Tears instantly take over her vibrant blue eyes. “Oh my God. What are you doing here? Come here,” she says, pushing her tiny little body into mine before I can back away from the front door and get back to my truck.
She’s clutching onto the back of my shirt and sobbing, her tears soaking the front of my shirt. They are searing the skin of my chest, scorching my flesh at each point of contact. I can’t move my arms. My entire body feels frozen in place. It’s in shock by what’s happening. The only reaction it’s having is the tears that are falling down my face. I close my eyes and let them fall…I’m unable to do anything else.
She pulls away, what feels like an eternity later, and grabs my face in her hands, forcing me to open my eyes. She’s staring at me, searching my face. For exactly what, I don’t know. I don’t know anything at this point, except Lucy. I can feel her, smell her, see her, and I do the stupidest thing I could possibly do.
I kiss her. I shut my eyes again, close the fraction of an inch between the two of us, and kiss her. The very instant my lips hit hers, she jumps back, like I’ve burned her.
She jumps back and is caught by Bennett.
This just got so much worse.
“Lucy, get in the house,” he growls, pushing her gently behind him.
“Bennett, I swear, nothing happened,” she’s telling him, but he cuts her off.
“I saw the whole thing. I know it was nothing. If it was anything more, he wouldn’t be standing right now. I can also smell the booze on him from here.”
He gives Lucy a loving smile, then looks back to me, a whole different look coming over his face. I’ve seen this look before. Several times, actually. This is not the first time Bennett and I have come to blows over Lucy.
“What the fuck are you doing here, drunk, in the middle of the night?”
“I just had to see her one last time,” I whisper, raising my hands in defeat.
“Mission accomplished.” He moves closer to me, grabbing the neck of my shirt and pushing me against one of the posts of the front porch. “You show up here again like this, I won’t have as much patience. Now, let’s go.”
We walk to my truck, and Bennett yells to Lucy to get in his car and follow us. As I’m getting in, I hear her asking to drive me and Bennett follow.
“You have lost your mind if you think I’m leaving you alone with him, Lucy.”
“He’s hurting. I just need to talk to him,” she pleads. I can hear that she’s still crying.
“He can’t handle that right now. Please, Lucy, just follow us,” he says, letting out an exasperated breath.
“Promise me you won’t kill him, Bennett.”
“If I wanted him dead, sweet girl, I would have done it long before tonight.”
Bennett gets behind the wheel and starts the truck. After, of course, he kisses her like he’s never kissed her before or ever going to get the chance to do it again. I’m sure that was strictly for my benefit. Marking his territory, or some equally asshole move.
“Where to, man?”
I think for a minute, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “Fuck, I forgot.”
“Seriously? Are you at your parent’s?” he asks, running his hand over his short blonde hair.
“Hotel.”
“You have your room key with you?”
I fish around in my pockets until I find it, and show it to him.
“I guess it’s too much to ask for you to know the room number.”
“Just call Andi.”
I pull up her number and press ‘call’, handing the phone to him. I don’t think I can talk to her right now. I can imagine her disappointment at the situation I’ve gotten myself in and I don’t want to deal with it.
I never want to disappoint Andi.
“Where are you?” she asks, her voice an equal balance of anxiety and anger.
I groan and throw my arm over my eyes. He obviously put her on speaker.
“Andi?” he asks, the confusion evident in his question. I muster a weak smile. I guess he thought Andi was a man.
“This isn’t Miller,” she says.
“No. It’s Bennett.”
“Fuck,” she exhales.
“Fuck is right,” he says. “I’m assuming from your reaction that you know exactly what that means and who I am.”
“Yep.”
“Miller decided to get shit-faced and pay my girlfriend a visit tonight.”
“I’m guessing he’s with you since you’re calling me from his phone. Did you break his jaw, or does he still possess the ability to speak?”
Bennett laughs, the sound echoing through the cab of my truck. I want to punch him in his smug face. “So you really do know the entire sordid story, don’t you? No, I didn’t break his jaw. I didn’t lay a hand on the drunk bastard. I have his truck, and I’m bringing him back to the hotel. Can you meet us in the front in about ten minutes?”
“Is it bad?” she asks. The worry is tangible over the phone. I don’t like to hear her like this. She’s hurting for me, and that’s something I can’t handle. I grab the phone from Bennett and take it off of speaker.
“I’m fine, Andi,” I reassure her.
“What did you do?” she asks, her voice quiet and concerned.
“I don’t know. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I hang up and throw the phone in the center console.
“That was interesting,” Bennett says, eying me for any clue as to what’s going on with my personal life.
“You have no idea.”
“Miller, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t pull shit like you did tonight.” He stops for a beat or two, and then tells me something that shocks the hell out of me. “She’s hurting, too, man. It’s like she’s in mourning. I hear her sometimes, crying in the middle of the night. Sometimes she upset about Thomas. She’ll talk to me on those nights. She’ll let me comfort her. Other times, though, she’ll say she’s fine, or that she doesn’t want to talk about it. She just wants to be left alone. Or, I’ll come home from the hospital and I can see the dried tear stains on her face. It’s those nights that I know it’s over you. She needs you in her life. It just can’t be like this.”
The Promise of More: The Home Series, Book Three Page 10
