The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "Nay. The jailer told us that they have ingenious ways of punishing homicide, and I have no wish to prove them by experiment."

  While Jillo bound the unconscious Raspiudus with a length of rope from beneath his dress, Eudoric chose two pieces of dragon hide, each about a yard square. He rolled them into a bundle and lashed them with another length of rope. As an afterthought, he helped himself to the contents of Raspiudus' bulging purse. Then he hoisted the roll of hide to his shoulder and issued from the laboratory, calling to the nearest stable boy.

  "Doctor Raspiudus," he said, "asks that ye saddle up those two nags." He pointed. "Good saddles, mind ye! Are the animals well shod?"

  "Hasten, sir," muttered Jillo. "Every instant we hang about here ..."

  "Hold thy peace! The appearance of haste were the surest way to arouse suspicion." Eudoric raised his voice. "Another heave on the girth, fellow! I am not minded to have mine aged bones shattered by a tumble into the roadway."

  Jillo whispered: "Can't we recover the mule and your armor to boot?"

  Eudoric shook his head. "Too risky," he murmured. "Be glad if we get away with skins intact."

  When the horses had been saddled to his satisfaction, he said: "Lend me some of your strength in mounting, youngster." He groaned as he swung awkwardly into the saddle. "A murrain on thy master, to send me off on this footling errand—me, who haven't sat a horse in years! Now hand me that accursed roll of hide. I thank thee, youth; here's a little for thy trouble. Run ahead and tell the gatekeeper to have his portal well open. I fear that, if this beast pull up of a sudden, I shall go flying over its head!"

  A few minutes later, when they had turned a corner and were out of sight of Raspiudus' house, Eudoric said: "Now trot!"

  "If I could but get out of this damned gown ..." muttered Jillo. "I can't ride decently in it."

  "Wait till we're out of the city gate."

  When Jillo had shed the offending garment, Eudoric said: "Now ride, man, as never before in your life!"

  They pounded off on the Liptai road. Looking back, Jillo gave a screech. "There's a thing flying after us! It looks like a giant bat!"

  "One of Raspiudus' sendings," said Eudoric. "I knew he'd get loose. Use your spurs! Can we but gain the bridge ..."

  They fled at a mad gallop. The sending came closer and closer, until Eudoric thought he could feel the wind of its wings.

  Then their hooves thundered across the bridge over the Pshora.

  "Those things will not cross running water," said Eudoric, looking back. "Slow down, Jillo. These nags must bear us many a league, and we must not founder them at the outset."

  -

  "... so here we are," Eudoric told Doctor Baldonius. "Ye've seen your family, lad?"

  "Certes. They thrive, praise the Divine Pair. Where's Lusina?"

  "Well—all—ahem—the fact is that she be not here."

  "Oh? Then where?"

  "Ye put me to shame, Eudoric. I promised you her hand in return for the two yards of dragon hide. Well, ye've fetched me the hide, at no small effort and risk, but I cannot fulfill my side of the bargain."

  "Wherefore?"

  "Alas! My undutiful daughter ran off with a strolling player last summer, whilst ye were chasing dragons, or vice versa. I'm right truly sorry ..."

  Eudoric frowned silently for an instant, then said: "Fret not, esteemed Doctor. I shall recover from the wound—provided that you salve it by making up my losses in more materialistic fashion."

  Baldonius raised bushy gray eyebrows. "So? Ye seem not so griefstricken as I should have expected, to judge from the lover's sighs and tears wherewith ye parted from the jade last spring. Now yell accept money instead?"

  "Aye sir. I truly loved the lass and still do, albeit I confess that my insensate passion had somewhat cooled during our long separation. Was it likewise with her? What said she of me?"

  "Aye, her sentiments did indeed change. I would not outrage your feelings—"

  Eudoric waved a deprecatory hand. "Continue, pray. I have been somewhat toughened by the months in the rude, rough world, and I am interested."

  "Well, I told her she was being foolish to the point of idiocy; that ye were a shrewd lad who, an ye survived the dragon hunt, would go far, but her words were: 'That is just the trouble, Father. He is too shrewd to be very lovable.' "

  "Hmph," grunted Eudoric. "What looks to one acquaintance like a virtue appears to another as a vice. 'Tis all in the point of view. One might say: I am a man of enterprise, thou art an opportunist, he is a conniving exploiter." Eudoric released a small sigh. "Well, if she prefer the fools of this world, I wish her joy of them. As a man of honor, I would have wedded Lusina had she wished. As things stand, trouble is saved all around."

  "To you, belike; though I misdoubt my headstrong lass will find the life of an actor's woman a bed of violets.

  "Who'd wed on a whim is soon filled to the brim

  With worry and doubt, till he longs for an out.

  So if ye would wive, beware of the gyve

  Of an ill-chosen mate; 'tis a harrowing fate.

  -

  "But enough of that. What sum had ye in mind?"

  "Enough to cover the cost of my good destrier Morgrim and my panoply of plate, together with lance and sword, plus a few other chattels and incidental expenses of travel. Fifteen hundred marks should cover the lot."

  "Fif-teen-hundred! Whew! I could never afford— nor are these moldy patches of dragon hide worth a fraction of the sum."

  Eudoric sighed and rose. "You know what you can afford, good my sage." He picked up the roll of dragon hide. "Your colleague Doctor Carpono, wizard to the Count of Treveria, expressed a keen interest in the material. In fact, he offered me more than I have asked of you, but I thought it only honorable to give you the first opportunity."

  "What!" cried Baldonius. "That mountebank, that charlatan, that faker? Misusing the hide and not deriving a tenth of the magical benefits from it that I should? Sit down, Eudoric; we will discuss these things."

  An hour's haggling got Eudoric his fifteen hundred marks. Baldonius said: "Well, praise the Divine Couple that's over. And now, beloved pupil, what are your plans?"

  "Would ye believe it, Doctor Baldonius," said Jillo, "that my poor deluded master's about to disgrace his lineage and betray his class by a base commercial enterprise?"

  "Forsooth, Jillo? What's this?"

  "He means my proposed stagecoach line," said Eudoric.

  "Good Heaven, what's that?"

  "My plan to run a carriage—ye know, like that thing the Emperor rides about Solambrium in, but of vastly improved design—weekly from Zurgau to Kromnitch, taking all who can pay the fare, as is done in Pathenia. We can't let the heathen Easterlings get ahead of us."

  "What an extraordinary idea! Need ye a partner?"

  "Thanks, but nay. Baron Emmerhard has already thrown in with me. He's promised me my knighthood in exchange for the partnership."

  "Nobility hath been extinguished!" wailed Jillo.

  Eudoric grinned. "Jillo is more loyal to the class whence I have sprung than I am. Emmerhard said much the same sort of thing, but I convinced him that any enterprise involving horses were a fit pursuit for a gentleman. Jillo, you can spell me at driving the coach, which will make you a gentleman, too!"

  Jillo sighed. "Alas, the true spirit of knighthood is dying in this degenerate age. Woe is me, that I should live to see the end of chivalry! How much did ye think to pay me, sir?"

  -

  III – The Count's Coronet

  When King Valdhelm II of Locania died, his heir, King Valdhelm III, bade all his nobles to his coronation in the royal city of Kromnitch. This was also the county seat of the King's feudatory, Count Petz of Treveria. One of Petz's liege men was Baron Emmerhard of Zurgau, among whose vassals was Sir Dambert Eudoricson of Arduen.

  After the royal command arrived, Sir Dambert and his family met before dinner to discuss their plans. Eudoric joined them late and dirty.

&
nbsp; "Eudoric!" cried the Lady Aniset. " 'Tis the third time of late that thou hast tracked mud into the castle. What's got into thee?"

  "Mother!" exclaimed the young man. "If you'd had my troubles—"

  "Thy carriage-wagon?" asked Sir Dambert.

  "Aye. The thing overset on a turn and spilt me into the mud. Lucky I wasn't slain, besides which, the vehicle has suffered scathes that'll take a fortnight to remedy. I fear the fabrication of such a device be beyond our local wainwrights. I should have thought on that ere I entered into this compact with Baron Emmerhard."

  "Belike," observed Eudoric's middle brother Olf, "your coach be too high and narrow."

  "Aye, but there's no easy remedy. If I make the tread wider, the cursed thing can't pass the narrow straits on the Zurgau-Kromnitch road, for which traffic the wain's especially designed. If I make the wheels smaller, they'll give the passengers a fine bouncing."

  Eudoric's sister asked: "Why go you not back to Pathenia, where this art be better understood, and buy a carriage-wain already made?"

  " Tis an arduous two-months' journey, and the road over the Asciburgis is a mere track, impassable to wheeled traffic."

  "Then," said Eudoric's younger brother Sidmund, "why not hire a brace of Pathenian wainwrights to come hither and work for us?"

  "They would not depart their own land unless compelled by force."

  "Then compel them!" snorted Sir Dambert. "By the Divine Pair, are we of gentle blood or are we not? Where's thy knightly mettle? Eh?"

  Eudoric smiled. "Father, you know not the Pathenians' persnickety ideas of the rights of their citizens. 'Twould but get me mewed up in prison again, with none to go bail for me."

  "The Emperor hath an one," said Sir Dambert thoughtfully. "This carriage must needs have been made by local wainwrights."

  "Aye, I've seen it," said Eudoric. " 'Tis but a farmer's wagon with a fancy gilded body on top. Gives the passengers a fearful shaking; can't turn sharply-angled corners. My coach, contrarywise, suspends the body from springs and leather straps, to soften the jouncing, and can turn in its own length. I marked these virtues of the Pathenian coach when I rode in it, when Jillo and I were on our way to Velitchovo."

  Sir Dambert sighed. "A fantastical land, this Pathenia, where dragons have the law's protection and villeins assert their rights against their betters. But let's to this question of the coronation. Wilt thou come, Eudoric? 'Twould pleasure me to have thee by me, but the choice is thine."

  "Your pardon, Father," replied Eudoric, "but I plan to tarry here. Not being knighted, I'm not included in the royal command. Someone should remain to keep an eye on our demesne, lest that caitiff Rainmar raid us. I must, moreover, ride my wainwrights with a needle-spined spur, lest Baron Emmerhard seize the pretext to flout our compact."

  "Doth he cool towards thee, then?" asked Dambert, frowning.

  "Aye. 'Twas all firmly fixed: he to pay for the building of the coach and, upon its completion, to knight me and give me Gerzilda in marriage, in requital for a partnership in my coach line. Now he holds back the money and sidles around his promises like a crab on the strand. Meanwhile, my wainwrights grow loud in demands for arrears in their pay—"

  "Part of thy trouble," said Dambert, "lies at the door of Emmerhard's lord. Petz of Treveria is a man of antique fancies, who likes not the grant of golden spurs for aught but deeds of dought upon the battlefield. Quotha, there's been too much purchase of honors and titles by baseborn tradesmen—"

  "My spurs will be for the dragonslaying, not for carriage building."

  "But, son, thy dragonslaying was done, not in the Empire before witnesses, but in a distant, heathen land. So Petz and Emmerhard have nought but thy word—"

  "What ails my word?" began Eudoric angrily.

  "Oh, I believe thee; so do we all. But these others know thee not as we do."

  -

  At an inn of Kromnitch, Baron Emmerhard admired his scarlet-and-ermine reflection in a pier glass. He ran a comb through his graying beard, slapped a sandstorm of dandruff from his robe, and said to his wife:

  "Not bad for a man of mine age, my dear. Now, prithee, the coronet!"

  The Baroness Trudwig turned to Emmerhard's body servant. "My lord's coronet, Sigric! 'Tis in the trunk with the scarlet stripes."

  "Forgive me, Your Ladyship," said the valet, "but 'tis not there."

  "How now?" said Emmerhard. "Let me see ... Thou are right, varlet! Then where is the accursed bauble?"

  "I know not, my lord," said Sigric. "Mona and Albrechta and I have already searched the twenty-three trunks and coffers. I know not how to tell you, sir, but I fear me it hath been left behind in Castle Zurgau—"

  "What!" roared Emmerhard, hopping and stamping. "Thou dolt! Ass! Noodlehead!" He aimed a punch at Sigric but was careful, even in his rage, to move slowly enough to give Sigric time to duck. Good valets were not easily come by.

  A half-hour later, the contents of the twenty-three traveling chests of Baron Emmerhard and his family were spread around their suite, but there was no sign of Emmerhard's coronet. The baron sat in a chair with his face in his hands, while his wife and four daughters tried to comfort him.

  "Nay, nay," he groaned. "By the God and Goddess, I cannot take my place in line without my regalia. 'Twere a slight to the fledgling King. I should never live it down. I'll send a message to young Valdhelm, that I'm taken with a sudden tisic and like to die o't."

  "Could not a hard-riding courier gallop back to Zurgau to fetch the thing hither in time?" asked the Lady Trudwig.

  "Nay, with the fleetest steeds in relays, he could not return ere the morrow, and the coronation's at high noon today."

  Gerzilda, the tall, willowy, blond eldest daughter, spoke up: "Father! Don't you call to mind that my lord Petz be abed with the gout? He hath been excused from the ceremony."

  "Well?"

  "Why can ye not borrow Treveria's coronet?"

  "Nay, 'tis a count's coronet. It hath more spikes and knobs than that of a mere baron."

  "None would notice. If any do, ye can explain the circumstance and pass it off with a jest. And I shall die if I cannot attend in my new gown ..."

  Baron Emmerhard grumbled some more, but at length his womenfolk brought him round.

  "Well," he said at last, "let's forth, stopping at Count Petz's on the way. Since his house be on t'other side of the city, this divigation will force us to miss the burning of the heretics; but that can't be helped."

  -

  Because of the gathering of the nobility, the narrow, winding streets of Kromnitch were more crowded than usual, despite a persistent drizzle. The chairs bearing Baron Emmerhard and his family were stopped a score of times as the chairmen bearing them slipped and staggered over the muddy cobbles. It took the party over an hour to reach Count Petz's mansion.

  Knowing his master's vassals by sight, the doorkeeper promptly opened the portal for the Zurgau family. He told Emmerhard: "My lord is with his physician, sir; but I'll send a message."

  "A pox!" cried Emmerhard. "This brooks no delay. Petz knows me well enough. Stay here, ladies; I'll go up myself."

  "But, my lord—" began the doorkeeper.

  "My good man, take thine etiquette and stuff it. I'm in a very swivet of a hurry. Show me to your master's chambers or call me one who will."

  When Baron Emmerhard, preceded by a frightened servant, burst into Count Petz's bedchamber, they found the huge old Count of Treveria sprawled on his bed, and a gray-bearded, bespectacled little man pottering around a tripod and muttering. A mixture of burning powders perfumed the air with a rainbow of aromatic smokes. The physician chanted: "Abrasaxa, Shenouth—"

  "Petzi!" cried Emmerhard, heedless. "Pardon the intrusion, but I must have your help instanter!"

  "Oh, Emmeri!" growled Petz, heaving his great bulk up and rearranging his vast white beard atop the covers. "Why in the name of the Divine Pair did ye interrupt Calporio's spell against my gout? Now he must needs start over."

  "A grievous
thing indeed, my lords," clucked the little man. " 'Tis the second such interruption. I might as well go back to bleeding."

  "Which will doubtless finish off my liege lord altogether," said Emmerhard. "Doctor Baldonius tells me that bleeding's a useless, discredited—"

  "Baldonius!" snorted Doctor Calporio. "I will not try Your Lordship's patience with my opinion of his servants, but if that mountebank—"

  "Hold thy tongue, sirrah; we've no time for disceptation. Petzi, my trouble is this ..." Emmerhard rattled off his tale of the forgotten coronet.

  "Certes, ye shall have mine," said Petz. He spoke to the servant who had ushered Emmerhard in.