The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "Petrilla's a good girl!" the Archduke broke in.

  "None denies it, none denies it. Neither doth anyone propose her for the Crown of Beauty at tournaments. Well, Sir Eudoric, how about it? One unicorn for the hand of Petrilla Rolgangsdaughter?"

  Eudoric took his time about answering. "The young lady would have to give her free consent. May I have the honor of meeting her?"

  "Certes. Rolgang, arrange it, if you please."

  While Eudoric had been in love several times, the outcomes of these passions had given him a cynical, practical view of the battle of the sexes. He had never found fat girls attractive, and Petrilla was fat— not grossly so yet, but give her a few years. She was dark, dumpy, blunt of feature, and given to giggles.

  Sighing, Eudoric totted up the advantages and disadvantages of being joined with this unglamorous if supremely well-connected young woman. For a career of courtier and magnate, the virtues of being the Archduke's son-in-law overbore all else. After all, Petrilla seemed healthy and good-natured. If she proved too intolerable a bore, he could doubtless find consolation elsewhere.

  -

  Back in Arduen, Eudoric sought out Doctor Baldonius, who again got out his huge encyclopedia, unlocked its iron clasps, and turned page after page of crackling parchment.

  "Unicorn," he said. "Ah, here we are. 'The unicorn, Dinohyus helicornus, is the last surviving member of the family Entelodontidae. The spirally twisted horn, rising from the animal's forehead, is actually not one horn. This would be impossible because of the frontal suture, along the mid-line of the forehead. It is, instead, a pair of horns twisted into a single spike. The legend that the beast can be rendered mild and tractable by a human virgin appears to have a basis in fact. According to the story ...' But ye know the tale, Eudoric."

  "Aye," said Eudoric. "You get a virgin—if you can find one—and have her sit under a tree in a wood frequented by unicorns. The beast will come up and lay its head in her lap, and the hunters can rush out and spear the quarry with inpunity. How could that be?"

  Baldonius: "My colleague Doctor Firmin hath published a monograph—let me look—ah, here tis." Baldonius pulled a dusty scroll from his cabinet of pigeonholes. "His theory, whereon he hath worked since we were students at Saalingen together, is that the unicorn is unwontedly sensitive to odors. With that great snout, it could well be. Firmin deduces that a virgin hath a smell different from that of a non-vigin human female, and that this effluvium nullifies the brute's ferocious instincts. Fieri potest."

  "Very well," said Eudoric. "Assuming I can find me a virgin willing to take a part in this experiment, what next? It's one thing to rush upon the comatose beast and plunge a spear into its vitals and quite another to catch it alive and unharmed and get it to Sogambrium."

  "Alas! I fear I have no experience in such things. As a vegetarian, I have avoided all matters of chase and venery. I use the latter word in its hunting sense; albeit the other meaning were also apt for an abstemious widower like myself*."

  "Then who could advise me in this matter?"

  Baldonius pondered, then smiled through his silvery waterfall of beard. "There's an unlikely expert dwelling nigh unto Baron Rainmar's demesne, namely and to wit: my cousin Svanhalla."

  "The witch of Hesselbourn?"

  "The same, but don't let her hear you call her that. A witch, she insists, is a practitioner, of either sex, of black, illegal goetics, whereas she's a respectable she-wizard or enchantress, whose magics are all benificent and lawful. Mine encyclopedia traces the derivation of these words—"

  "Never mind," said Eudoric hastily, as Baldonius began to turn the pages. "I've not met her, but I've heard. She's a cranky old puzzel, they say. What would she know of the techniques of hunting?"

  "She knows surprising things. 'Twas always said in the fraternity, if ye wish some utterly useless bit of odd information, which nobody on earth could rightly be expected to have—say, for ensample, what Count Holmer the pretender had for breakfast the day they cut off his head—go ask Svanhalla. I'll give you a letter to her. I haven't seen her for years, for fear of her raspy tongue."

  -

  "So now ye be a knight?" said Svanhalla, sitting with Eudoric in the gloom of her hut. "Not by any feats of chivalry, ta-rah! ta-rah! But by shrewdly taking advantage of what luck hath brought you, heh? I know the tale of how ye slew that Pathenian dragon— how ye missed clean with the Serican thunder tube and ran for your life, and how Jillo by chance touched off the sack of fire-powder just as the beast waddled over it."

  Silently cursing Jillo's loose tongue, Eudoric kept his temper. "Had I been twice as brave and thrice as adept with the thunder weapon, Madam, 'twould have availed us nought had luck been against us. We should have made but toothsome morsels for the reptile. But let's to business. Baldonius says that you can advise me on the capture of unicorns in Bricken."

  "I mought, if ye made it worth me while."

  "How much?"

  After a haggle, Eudoric and Svanhalla agreed on a fee of sixty marks, half down and the rest when the unicorn was secured. Eudoric paid.

  "First," said the witch of Hesselbourn, "ye must needs find a virgin, of above fifteen years. If the tales I hear be true, that may take some doing in Arduen, what with you and your lecherous brethren."

  "Madam! I have not carnally known any local lass for nigh a year—"

  "Aye, aye, I ken. When the lust becomes too great to endure, ye fare to the whores of Kromnitch. Ye should be respectably wived by now, but the girls all think you a cold-blooded opportunist. Therein, they're not altogether wrong; for, whilst ye love women, ye love your gold even more, heh!"

  "You needn't rub it in," said Eudoric. "Besides, I seek advice on hunting, not on love."

  "Strange, when your brother Olf doth cut a veritable swath amid the maids of Arduen. Not that I blame the lad overmuch. He's good-looking, and too many peasant maids think to catch a lordling with their coyntes for bait. They hope, if not for lawful wedlock, at least for affluent concubinage. So they all but shout: 'Come, take me, fair sir!' 'Tis a rotten, degenerate age we live in."

  "Since you know so much about affairs in Arduen, who, then, is still a virgin?"

  "For that, I must needs consult my familiar." She issued further instructions on the mechanics of capture, ending: "Come back on the morrow. Meanwhile go to Frotz the rope-maker to order your net and Karlvag the wainwright for your wheeled cage. Be sure they be big and strong enough, else ye may have less luck than ye had with the dragon, heh!"

  -

  When Eudoric returned to Svanhalla's house, he found her talking to a bat the size of an eagle. This creature hung upside down from her rafters, along with smoked hams, bags of onions, and other edibles. When Eudoric jumped back, the witch cackled.

  "Fear not Nigmalkin, brave and mighty hero! She's as sweetly loving a little demon as ye shall find in the kingdom, heh. Moreover, she tells me what ye be fain to know."

  "And that is?"

  "Know that in all of Arduen there be but one wench to fill your bill. True, there be other virgins in fact, but none suitable. Cresseta Almundsdaughter is ill and like to die; Greda Paersdaughter's father is a religious fanatic who won't let her out of his sight; and so on."

  "Then who is available?"

  "Bertrud, daughter of Ulfred the Unwashed."

  "Oh, gods! She takes after her sire; one can detect her down-wind at half a mile. Is that the best you can do, Svanhalla?"

  "So it is. Take it or leave it. After all, a proud, fierce adventurer like yourself shouldn't mind a few small stinks, now should he?"

  Eudoric sighed. "Well, I shall imagine myself back in that prison cell in Pathenia. It stank even worse. I'll get word to Ulfred and his lass."

  -

  Dawn, a fortnight later, saw Eudoric riding with Jillo's younger brother, a simple farm hand named Theovic Godmarson, to the home of Ulfred the Unwashed. Since Ulfred had been told by a fortuneteller that he would die of a tisic caught while bathing, the goodman had
forsworn all external contact with water. His only child had adopted the paternal habit.

  Yet Bertrud Ulfredsdaughter would, if cleaned up, have been a handsome girl. As Eudoric noted when he swung her up to ride pillion on Theovic's mount, some would even deem her beautiful.

  Eudoric and his helper took a roundabout path from Arduen to the wilderness of Bricken, in order to avoid the demesne of his old foe Baron Rainmar. Eventually they overtook Jillo, driving an Oversized farm wagon to which was affixed a monstrous cage.

  At the edge of Bricken Forest, Eudoric left Jillo and the vehicle, for beyond this point there were no passable roads. Loading the tackle and supplies on his horse's back, Eudoric led his mount into the leafy gloom, while Theovic and Bertrud trailed behind.

  After an hour of searching among the trees, watching cautiously to avoid the nearly-invisible webs of the giant spiders, Eudoric chose a spot near an effluent of the Lupa. Here grew a grand old beech, with boughs near the ground for easy climbing. Here they pitched their camp.

  Rigging the net took the rest of the day. Eudoric and Theovic, with Bertrud's help, attached the net by slip knots to the higher branches of the beech and to two other trees, so that one pull on the release lanyard would bring the whole thing down. Leaden weights along the edges of the net assured that, when it fell, it would envelop the prey.

  The net was heavy and the day, hot. By the time they had completed their task, Eudoric and Theovic were soaked in sweat. They threw themselves down on the soft leaf mold and lay for a time listening to the buzz and chirp of insects.

  "I'm for a bath," said Eudoric. "You, too, Theovic? Bertrud, if you go round yonder bend in the stream, you'll find a pool where the stream is gentle and you can wash in privacy. 'Twould do you no scathe."

  "Me, wash?" said the girl. " 'Tis an unwholesome habit. An ye'd risk your death of cold, 'tis your affair."

  -

  During the night, Eudoric heard the snort of a unicorn. The next morning, therefore, he caused Bertrud to sit at the base of the beech, while he and Theovic climbed the tree and waited. Peering through the bronze-green leaves, Eudoric held the lanyard that would release the net. Betrud languidly waved away the cloud of flies that seemed to be her permanent escort.

  When it arrived, in the afternoon, the unicorn did not look much like the dainty creatures, half horse and half gazelle, shown on tapestries in the Emperor's palace. Its body and limbs were like those of a buffalo, six feet tall at the shoulder hump, while its huge, warty head bore some resemblance to that of a gigantic boar. The twisted horn arose from its forehead above the eyes.

  The unicorn approached the massive beech, beneath which Bertrud sat. The beast moved cautiously, or 3 step at a time. When it was almost under the net, it halted, sniffing with flaring nostrils and baring huge canines more suitable to a beast of prey than a hoofed plant-eater.

  The unicorn sniffed some more. Then it threw up its head and uttered a colossal grunt, as loud as a lion's roar but more guttural. It rolled its eyes and pawed the earth with cloven hooves.

  "Bertrud!" Eudoric called. "It's going to charge! Climb the tree, quickly!"

  As the unicorn bounded forward, the girl, who had watched it with growing dismay on her soil-caked face, scrambled to her feet and swarmed up into the low branches. The beast skidded to a halt, glaring about with bloodshot eyes.

  Eudoric pulled the lanyard; but as the net began to fall, the unicorn sprang forward again, swerved to miss the tree, and continued on. One of the leaden weights struck the unicorn's rump as the net descended.

  With a frightful bellow, the unicorn whirled, champing its tusks. Seeing no foe, it galloped off into the forest. The crashing and the drumming died away.

  When the unicorn-hunters were back on the ground, Eudoric said: "That settles it! Baldonius said these creatures be sensitive to odors. You, my dear Bertrud, have odor for six. Theovic, you shall go to Hessel manor to buy a cake of soap and a large sponge. Here's money."

  "Wouldn't ye rather go and leave me to guard the lass, me lord?" said Theovic with a cunning gleam in his pale-blue eyes.

  "Nay. Were I recognized, Rainmar would have his bully-boys after us; so keep a close mouth whilst there. Go, and with luck you'll be back for dinner."

  Sighing, Theovic saddled his horse and trotted off. With a trembling lip, Bertrud asked: "What—what will ye do to me, sir? Am I to be beaten or raped?"

  "Nonsense, wench! I won't hurt a hair of your head. Think not that, because I have a 'Sir' before my name, I go about bullying my lather's people."

  "What will ye do, then?"

  "You shall see."

  "Ye mean to wash me, that's what! I'll not endure it! I'll run away into the wildwood—"

  "With unicorns and other uncanny beasts lurking about? Methinks not."

  "I'll show thee! I go—"

  She started off at random. When Eudoric imitated the grunt of the unicorn, Bertrud shrieked, ran back, and threw her arms around Eudoric's neck. Eudoric firmly unpeeled her, saying:

  "When you're nice and clean and the unicorn's caught, then, if you're fain to play such games, we shall see."

  Theovic returned at sunset with a bundle. "Here's your soap and all, me lord. Jillo asked after you, and I told him things were going well."

  Since Bertrud was busy cooking their supper, Eudoric let the bath go until morning. Then, stripped to his breech clout and with gleeful help from Theovic, he pushed and hauled Bertrud, struggling and weeping, down to the stream. They pulled off her skirt and blouse and forced her, shrieking, into the water.

  "Gods, that's cold!" she cried. " 'Twill spell the death of me!"

  " 'Tis the best we have, my lady," said Eudoric, scrubbing vigorously. "By the Divine Pair, you have layers of dirt over layers of dirt! Hold still, damn your arse! ... Hand me the comb, Theovic. I'd get some tangles out of this hair ere washing it ... All right, I can manage the rest. It's time you fed the horses."

  Looking disappointed, Theovic started back towards the camp. Eudoric continued soaping, scrubbing, and ducking his victim, who by now was too cowed to complain.

  "Now," he said, "does that feel so dreadful?"

  "I—I know not, sir. 'Tis a feeling I never have had before. But I'm cold; let me warm myself against you. My, bean't ye the strong fellow, though?"

  "You're no weakling yourself," said Eudoric, "after the struggle we had to get you into the water."

  " I work hard. There's none to do the chores but me, since me mother ran away with that pedlar. What thews!"

  She felt his biceps, inching closer until their bodies touched. Eudoric felt his blood stir.

  "Now, now, my dear," he said, "after the brute's captured, not before." When she continued her explorations, he barked: "I said nay!" and pushed her away.

  He pushed harder than he intended, so that she fell backwards and got another ducking. When she scrambled up, her expression had changed.

  "So!" she said. "The high and mighty knight won't look at a poor peasant lass! Too grand for aught but them perfumed, painted whores of the courts! Ye may take them all to Hell with you, for all of me!"

  She strode out of the pool, picked up her garments, and vanished towards the camp.

  Eudoric looked after her with a troubled smile. He devoted himself to his own ablutions until the smell of breakfast reminded him of the passage of time.

  He and Theovic rigged the net again. The unicorn came around noon. As before, it seemed about to approach the seated Bertrud but then went into a frenzy of rage. Again, Bertrud had to scramble up the tree to safety.

  This time, the unicorn did not even wait for Eudoric to pull the lanyard. It blundered off into the forest at once.

  Eudoric sighed. "At least, we shan't have to haul that damned net up into the trees again. But what could have gone wrong this time? ..."He caught a faint smirk on Theovic's face. "Oho, so thither lies the wind, eh? Whilst I was bathing this morn, you were futtering our frail, so she's no more a virgin!"

  Theovic an
d Bertrud giggled.

  "I'll show you two witlings!" howled Eudoric.

  He whipped out his hunting flachion and started for the pair. Although he meant only to spank them with the flat, they fled with shrieks of mortal terror. Eudoric ran after them, brandishing the short, curved sword, until he tripped on a root and fell sprawling. When he had pulled himself together again, Theovic and Bertrud were out of sight.

  -

  On the borders of the wilderness, Eudoric told Jillo: "When that idiot brother of yours comes in, tell him, if he wants his pay, to return to finish his task. Nay, I won't hurt him, for all his loonery. I should have foreseen what would happen. Now I must needs leave these nags with you whilst I ride Daisy back to Svanhalla's hut."

  When Eudoric came again to the cabin of the witch of Hesselbourn, Svanhalla cackled. "Ah, well, ye did your best. But, when the devil of carnal desire reaves a youth or a maid, it takes one of monkish humor to withstand it. That's something neither of those twain possesses."