The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "Meseems thou hast already spoke thereof," grumbled the voice.

  "Oh, did I forsooth? Then of a surety I shall recall more details on the second narration. When my old teacher, the retired wizard Baldonius, needed two yards of dragon hide for his alchemcal experiments ..."

  Eudoric awoke, stiff and sore, in total darkness. The second candle had guttered out. He felt around and located the bodies of his companions. Both moved and muttered at his touch but did not awaken. He found the pack containing their food and drink; but lighting a candle with flint, steel, and tinder in utter blackness baffled him. He raised his voice:

  "Your Majesty!"

  "Aye, Sir Eudoric?"

  "Could you, pray, permit us a little light?"

  "If thou regale us with more tales of thy life."

  A faint gray glow, as of an overcast dawn, suffused the chamber, as if early morning light were filtered through an illusory wall of rock, or a pane of heavily clouded glass. Yolanda and Forthred stirred. Eudoric got the third candle going while his squire set out more food. Forthred muttered:

  "Sir, I fear me this beer won't last the day. What shall we then do for drink?"

  "Perhaps King Balan would suffer you to fetch water whilst holding the princess and me hostage," began Eudoric.

  "Never!" boomed the ghostly voice. "An we opened the way for thy servant, ye twain might dash for freedom ere we could reestablish the spell. Thou motest bethink thyself of something better."

  "But, Your Majesty! If you keep us here, we shall die."

  "Then your ghosts shall keep ours company."

  "I am no theologian, and those gentry disagree amongst themselves as to what befalls our spirits after death. But I am sure we shan't be immured here like your royal self."

  "Some day," said the voice, "we will tell thee of the curious curse that caused us to be clapped up here. Meanwhile, how shall we make certain that, if we permit the departure of the one, the others will not likewise show a fair pair of heels, leaving old Balan to his inarticulate spiders? Surely so clever a wight as thou art can devise a solution."

  After a long silence, Eudoric said: "Your Majesty!"

  "Aye?"

  "How were it if one of us securely tied the wrists and ankles of the others? Then he who tied the knots could go out and return without danger of the bound ones' flight. After all, we must go forth betimes or pollute your tomb."

  "We will give thy proposal a trial. What wilt thou use for cord?"

  "Strips cut from the hem of my wife's gown."

  "Indeed?" said Yolanda. "What makes you think, husband—"

  "Enough!" roared Eudoric. "Your dress is nought but a mass of mud at best."

  "Then you shall buy me another as good, once we are back in civilization."

  "Eh?" said the ghost. "What is this about regaining civilization? If yon female imply that Armoria be not civilized, we will hold her imprisoned here forever and ay—"

  "Please, Your Majesty!" said Eudoric hastily. "In the tongue of Franconia, 'civilized' means only one who speaks Franconian, regardless of his learning and manners. My wife meant no slight to Your Majesty's fertile realm."

  Yolanda seemed about to speak again, but a murderous glare from Eudoric stopped her. The ghost said:

  "Humph! That is as may be. Think not to bind one another with bastard knots, which fall apart at a tug! We know somewhat of knots, for in our youth we commanded a ship of our sire's navy. Oh, and one thing more: We heard the lady mention wizardry gear in her chest. Think not to fetch it into our demesne, to cancel our spells!"

  "What would you do if we did?" flared Yolanda.

  The ghost chuckled. "Thinkest thou we'll shoot off every shaft in our quiver in practice, leaving none for the battle? Do but try it, and we warrant on the word of a king that thou shalt not enjoy the results."

  "What could he do?" whispered Eudoric.

  Yolanda shrugged. "I know not. Wouldst take a chance that 'tis but empty bluster? He may slay us, but I fear not death."

  Eudoric shook his head. "When there's no way to reckon the odds, I hedge my wagers with caution."

  "Tradesman!" sneered Yolanda under her breath.

  At last the bindings were tied to the ghost's satisfaction. The wall stopped whirling, and the entrance reappeared. The three prisoners were let out in turn. Returning from one such expedition, Forthred said:

  "Master, we should unload the poor beasts. Leaving them tethered and laden will afflict them with sores. But I cannot perform that task alone."

  "Later," said Eudoric. "And now, Your Majesty, I shall tell of my adventures in Pathenia ..."

  When Eudoric had plodded through the tale for the fourth time, Yolanda muttered: "How the spook feels I know not, but I am bored to the point of screaming."

  Eudoric smiled and started the story over again. When he had finished, the ghost said: "We thank thee; but is there no other tale that thou canst tell? This one groweth weary with repetition.'

  "Alas, nay, sire," said Eudoric. "Aside from this one foray, I have led a sheltered, uneventful life." (Yolanda and Forthred hid their smiles; Eudoric was pleased to note that the ghost's abilities did not include the detection of lies.) "Have I mentioned the curious custom of the Pathenians, of making their homes in the shells of the gigantic snails that infest that land?"

  "Aye, yea, forsooth and eftsoons! Thou hast told us of those snailhouses, not once but thrice! Get thee and thy companions hence, ere we die a second death from tedium!"

  -

  XIII – Heroes in Hiding

  In Knokani, Eudoric addressed a shopkeeper. Not knowing the Armorian for "map," he said: "Tell me, goodman, hast a picture of the land hereabouts as it would look to a bird in flight?"

  The merchant scratched his head. "Dip me in ordure if that bean't a strange thought! How could a man make such a picture, less he could fly above the land like a bird or a bodiless spirit?"

  "It can be done, I do assure you. Men measure the distances along roads and fields and draw their lines accordingly. Have you no such charts to sell?"

  "Nay, Master. What need have we for such, who dwell in Knokani all our lives and know the land like the palms of our hands?"

  "But travelers like unto us would lack this knowledge."

  The shopkeeper shrugged. "That's their plight. Belike they make such pictures in great cities like Ysness."

  Eudoric sighed. "Well then, canst sell me a sheet a paper?"

  "What's paper?"

  "A new stuff used for writing; a kind of felt made of linen rags. If there's no paper, how about a sheet of parchment?"

  "What's parchment?"

  "A sheepskin treated to make a good writing surface."

  "Oh, aye, sheepskins I have; albeit I know not if they'll serve your turn. The only wight hereabouts who knows reading and writing is the priest."

  Eudoric left the shop with a roll of sheepskin, with the fleece still attached. "No map, Shorty?" asked Yolanda sharply in Franconian. Eudoric winced.

  "They've never heard of maps. We shall have to make our own as best we can."

  "That will merely tell us where we've been, not whither we must go. Meanst we shall wander about this countryside in circles until we perish of old age, or some peasant hears we're wanted by the King's men and sets them on our trail?"

  "We are not wandering in circles," said Eudoric, stung. "I keep track of direction by sun and stars."

  "But two days out of three are overcast. You should have thought sooner to fetch a map along."

  Eudoric felt his temper slipping. "And when have I had time to shop for maps, what with you and the monster and the jester Corentin? Why don't you work your magic to find the right direction?"

  "I could, had I the apparatus I left behind in Letitia. And methinks it bid fair to rain. Wilt make us sleep in that leaky little tent, though I awaken with Forthred's foot in my mouth and it give us rheumatics ahead of our years?"

  "Sir," said Forthred in a low voice, "I beg your pardon, but people are star
ing at us. Were it not better to belay disputes until we be out of town? Ye ken how suspicious these villagers be of strangers."

  "You're right," growled Eudoric. "Wedge this sheepskin under a pack rope and mount up."

  Yolanda mounted, remarking: "Could we not for once enjoy the luxe of an inn? Foul though I know these wretched excuses for inns to be, after that tent 'twould seem a paradise."

  "Nay," said Eudoric, swinging into his own saddle. "You know as well as I that, if we bed in a village inn, or even in a peasant's barn, we're like by morn to discover a squadron of King Gwennon's finest with blades to our throats."

  She sighed. "Had I but known the hardships this flight entailed, I should have enjoined you to leave the Rock and suffer the monster to devour me."

  "And had I known the sweet temper of my bride-to-be," snapped Eudoric, "I should have obeyed that command with a right good will."

  For a while they rode in silence. Then a sound brought Eudoric round. Yolanda was weeping. Through her tears she blubbered:

  "Oh, Eudoric dearest, why do I so misdemean myself? I'm sorrier than I can say. I hate myselt. It's as though some demon from time to time possessed me, making me savage the kindest and most patient husband any woman could ask."

  She collapsed into sobs and outcries. Eudoric petted and tried to comfort her. When she recovered, she became positively angelic, insisting on doing more than her share of the work of setting up camp. She even undertook to cook their supper, although the product of her first attempt proved so inedible that even Eudoric, inured to rough fare, could not stomach it.

  Next day, another village loomed out of the drizzle. Eudoric said: "I see what looks like a tavern. Let's stop for a bit of food and rest."

  Beyond the front door of the tumbledown structure, a plank floor extended out a few paces, and overhead the eaves of the building projected an equal distance. Two small tables stood on the planking, at one of which sat three old men, drinking and gossiping. When Eudoric and his party took chairs at the other table, the three oldsters fell silent and turned to stare. The one on the near side of that table even turned his chair around to get a better view of the newcomers.

  "One would think they had never seen a human being eat or drink before," muttered Yolanda in Franconian.

  "A traveler must needs get used to this sort of thing," replied Eudoric. He gave his order to the taverner for bread, cheese, and perry. As they waited, Yolanda said:

  "Dear Eudoric, I truly grieve that I have so often yerked at you without just cause. My rank, alas, has shielded me from the need to govern my temper."

  "It's never too late to learn," said Eudoric noncommittally.

  While Yolanda and Forthred were occupied with their repast, Eudoric looked the nearest oldster in the eye and said in Armorian: "God den, goodman. How goes it with you?"

  The man started, then pulled himself together. "Well enough, save for the rheumatics. And ye, sir?"

  Eudoric had to strain his attention to follow the local dialect. "Well enough. And your companions?"

  "Well enough," said one of the other old men, "save for a shortness of the breath."

  "Well enough." said the remaining oldster, "but for a dimness of the eyes."

  "Ah, well," said Eudoric, "when I reach your age, I shall doubtless suffer the same ills and more. Couldst tell me what lies yonder?" He pointed eastwards.

  The old men exchanged glances, and he to whom Eudoric had first spoken said: "Well, now, there's one more village, clept Gaura. Beyond that, nought but forest. They do say that, an ye push on through the woods, yell come to the border of Franconia; but none I ken hath ever ventured thither."

  "There are no roads thereabouts?"

  "Nay, nary a road. None goes that way save perchance smugglers, to catch whom our King's soldiers patrol the border. An ye'd enter Franconia, ye maun turn back and travel many leagues to northward, where there's a proper road—or at least so 'tis said. I've not been thither to see. What would ye with roads to Franconia?"

  "We are on a wedding journey," said Eudoric, "enjoying the countryside." He suppressed a smile as he caught a murderous glance from Yolanda.

  "Oh, ah!" said the oldster. "Strength to thy yard!"

  When Eudoric had paid and he and Yolanda were mounting, Forthred hastened out of the tavern to join them. As soon as they were out of hearing of the tavern, Forthred said: "Sir Eudoric!"

  "Aye?"

  "As I came out from the jakes, I heard those three old fellows talking. Ere they marked my presence, I heard one say: ... smugglers without a doubt. If they force their way east from Gaura, they'll come upon the orthodox ogre."

  "The what?"

  "The orthodox ogre, sir! I heard them plainly."

  "Art sure you mistook not the Armorian words? Neither of us is at home in that speech."

  "Nay, sir; a man in the servants' quarters at the palace was a pious knave, who sought to save my soul from damnation by converting me to Bishop Grippo's Triune Creed. So I know the Armorian word for 'orthodox' when I hear it."

  "What then?"

  "Nought; they fell silent when they saw me, albeit laughing and chuckling as at some fine joke."

  "Armorians," said Yolanda, "would deem it a rare jest for us to be eaten by this ogre."

  "My dear," said Eudoric, "couldn't you conjure up a bigger demon, to overawe the ogre? Perchance one of those marids whereof you told me?"

  "The spell works not, so far from the Saracenic lands. I have marid servants in my palace; but when I sought to evoke more in Armoria, none responded to my call."

  "Have you any other magic against ogres?"

  "One spell for routing a foe; but I've never essayed it. The result might be worse for us than for the foe."

  "Well then, what is your idea?"

  "We must retrace our way to the main road and enter Franconia at the regular crossing, as the old man urged."

  "And be seized at the border by Gwennon's men-at-arms? Art daft, woman?"

  "Nay, Shorty; you are now the besotted one. If I call out my name and rank when we reach the border port, the Franconians on the other side will rush across to rescue me."

  Eudoric hated being called "Shorty," but he was sure that if he made an issue of this sobriquet, Yolanda would only use it all the more whenever she was displeased. He feared that, despite her pleas of wifely devotion, she would be angry over something most of the time. Mastering his irritation, he took refuge in logic:

  "Imprimis, the Armorians might seize us ere we came within calling distance of the border post. Secundus, even if we drew nigh the post, your people might not understand that a Franconian princess was beset. Tertius, they might be under strict orders not to violate the border. Quartus, your royal family is far from popular with the lower orders, wherefore the soldiers might decide to let you stew in your own juice. Quintus, if they were partisans of the Duke of Dorelia—"

  "Oh, you vile tradesman, calculating odds instead of rushing in to succor the right! Where is your knightly courage?"

  Eudoric gave a mirthless smile. "My mammet, if you know your own history, 'twas but a decade ago that your gallant Franconian knights, serving in the Carinthian army, lost the day for their side and their lives as well, at Polovotsograd. They made one of those gallant, headlong charges, against orders, into the midst of the Pantorozians."

  "At least they died with their honor bright! As for you, you're not even the other kind of swordsman. You've pranged me but twice since we left Ysness. My third husband, with his nose forever in ancient books, was no Huano of Tarraconia; but he could still futter thrice to your once!"

  "Your third—" Eudoric stopped with his mouth agape.

  "Aye, my third husband, the scholar Sugerius. What about him?"

  Eudoric took time before answering, being somewhat shaken by this revelation. "I realized on our wedding night that the Armorians had stretched the truth in calling you a 'maiden'; but I knew not what a monstrous taradiddle it was."

  • "Well? And what of t
hat? 'Twas all perfectly legal. 'Tis not my fault that I am thrice widowed."

  "You told me you were single," said Eudoric, "when I asked you as we sat awaiting the monster."

  "So I was then. I said not that I had always been so."

  Eudoric rode for a time in silence, then asked: "Tell me of my predecessors. What befell them? Didst turn them into frogs?"

  "Nay. Art sure you wish to hear this painful history? I would not wound your feelings beyond necessity, for despite all you are dear to me."