The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  "I, too, found her cold," said the poet. If you'll pardon my boast, I count myself proficient beyond the moiety in the art of bringing a woman to the vertex of passion; but with Yolanda, I might as well have plied my skills on one of the statues in her gardens. Meseerned her thought was: Hurry up and get it over with, thou apish buffoon! Therefore I sought others who might, I hoped, display more ardor. I had minded less, save that she sought to mew me up here as she did Lord Gontran. Sir Gontran?"

  "I pay no heed to such matters," grunted Gontran. "A warrior true hath no time for fancy courtship ere sheathing his blade. I leave such japes to counterfeit knights, who claim the dignity of 'sir' without a single manslaying to their credit."

  Landwin's lips compressed and his nostrils quivered at the insult, but he turned to Eudoric. "And you, Sir Eudoric? How fares it with you?"

  "It is my opinion," said Eudoric carefully, "that Yolanda's passion be not for the rites of love but for the aggrandizement of power. She submits to her husbands' desire, neither for love nor for lust, but to keep them where she can rule them best. She approved a proposal of the leader of the Jacks, to give equal rights to women."

  Gontran snorted. "How utterly ridiculous!"

  " 'Tis not at all ridiculous," said Sugerius. "I have deeply studied the female mind. Somewhat to my surprise, I found it, not the same as the male, but on balance quite as able."

  With a disdainful sniff, Gontran turned to Eudoric. "Do ye adhere to such nonsense?"

  Eudoric smiled. "In foreign lands, I dispute not matters of religion or politics. I fear, howsomever, that Yolanda gives the doctrine of women's equality a bad name."

  "Exactly!" said Landwin. "She were never satisfied with mere equality; she'd reduce any man in her grip to total subservience." The poet paused, beating time with a finger, then burst into verse:

  "Oh, ask not a warrior princess so bold

  Who's born to lead men of a militant host

  To cook and to sew and to sweep out your hold;

  She'll mangle your shirts and she'll blacken your toast!

  "What perplexes me," he continued, "is why, if she care so little for amorous congress, she's so furiously jealous if her man cast a friendly eye upon another. Hath she, think you, a passion to conceive?"

  "I think not," said Sugerius. "If none of us four hath impregnated her despite our valiant efforts, either she's naturally barren or employs a spell against conception."

  Eudoric: "Meseems 'tis but another aspect of Yolanda's drive for power. If her man fail to tup her often, or a fortiori if his roving eye alight on a rival, he is slipping out of her grasp. That she cannot endure."

  "Howsomever," said Landwin, "entrancing though this discussion be, we must needs agree upon which of us shall be husband-in-fact, and that ere her return."

  "We could play cards—you have playing cards, have you not?—or throw dice," said Eudoric. "But should the winner be high man or low?"

  Sugerius fumbled in his robe and put on his spectacles. Gravely he said: "Ah, Sir Eudoric, I do perceive your import. Each of us might conclude that the pains of union with Yolanda exceed the pleasures. Twere like a foot race, wherein the prize doth go to the last to finish. Ye'd see all the runners hopping up and down on the starting line, each waiting for the others to outdistance him."

  "Well," said Landwin, "we could take turns—be husband-of-the-day in rotation, like a relay race. Since she's more than a match for any one of us, belike by confronting her in succession we could wear her down."

  "Ye jackanapes!" said the count. "Ye know the court would never permit such doings."

  Gontran growled: "A manlier way were to fight it out. We'll choose two pairs by lot, who'll fight to the death. The two survivors shall then meet—"

  "Ho!" said Landwin. "That were unfair! The count is well on in years, and I'm a poet, not a bully-rook. You'd cleave me in twain with that monstrous thing you bear!"

  "Coward!" sneered Gontran. "Count, ye are the most learned amongst us. Who is Yolanda's legal husband?"

  "Certes, ye are! Since your marriage came first and was terminated neither by annulment nor by death, it still abides. The rest of us are but unwitting adulterers, who thought we were wedding a virtuous widow—"

  Eudoric interrupted: "But Gontran has been declared legally dead, in consequence of his 'disappearance.' So for that matter have the other twain of you. Were your marriages not ended by this procedure?"

  "Under some circumstances, yea," said the count. "But where the spouse averring the disappearance hath actually immured the vanished one, keeping him or her incommunicado, the rule is that of the case of Chararic versus Thrasamund—"

  "Adulterers!" roared Gontran, whose mind had at last caught up with the implications of the count's words. "Then ye've made a cuckold of me! By the Three True Gods, this stain upon mine honor must needs be cleansed with blood!'

  "Seize him!" shouted Eudoric, hurling himself upon Gontran. He bore the warrior to the floor while Landwin, Sugerius, and Forthred grasped the Tolosan's limbs. Gontran was as strong as a bear; but the combined strength of the four proved too much for him. After he had struggled until he was red in the face, he finally subsided. Gripping Gontran's massive right arm with both of his, Eudoric looked up at Tsudai, who was busy removing magical apparatus from nearby tables to place it out of danger of breakage.

  "Doctor! Canst tie him up?"

  "This minor person can better that, noble sir. Tell him that, an he be not quiet, I'll put him back into stasis, as he was ere I cast off the spell."

  When the thought had been repeatedly explained to Gontran, the warrior yielded. "And we'll borrow that great sword of yours," said Eudoric, pulling it out of the scabbard, "lest in a moment of passion you injure someone."

  Gontran subsided, sitting hunched on the floor against a table, muttering: "... stain on mine honor ... stain on mine honor ..."

  "Now, gentlemen," continued Eudoric, "what are your plans? Mine is to flee forthwith back to Locania. We had better move yarely, for the hour of Yolanda's return comes on amain and apace. Forthred, pray pack us for departure."

  "My palfrey must yet be in Yolanda's stables, unless the poor beast have died," said the count. "I'll find the horse and hie me back to my demesne of Perigez, to complete my doctoral thesis, 'The Incest Motif in Helladic Drama.' It grieves me to leave behind a parcel of my precious books, but one must weigh the alternatives."

  "I'd go with you, Sir Eudoric," said Landwin, "had I a horse; since Kromnitch lies nigh to the path to Arduen."

  "Good!" said Eudoric. "I have a spare horse for you. That leaves you, Sir Gontran, master of the field, if one can call the fair Yolanda that. Alas! She's a splendid woman in her way; or would be without this passion for tyranny."

  "I may depart also, when I've thought about it," rumbled Gontran.

  "She would have been king instead of Clothar," said Landwin. " 'Tis pity your laws permit not reigning queens. But if the rest of us flee, Sir Eudoric, why remain you not to tame this proud beauty? Meseems you be the one best qualified for this task, and she's a worthy prize for a hero."

  "Gramercy," said Eudoric, "but the liontamer's part becharms me not. It calls for a Sigvard Dragon-slayer or an Erpo Giantkiller; and I do not deem myself fit for that role."

  "But think of the perquisites! Think of having a king for patron!"

  Eudoric shook his head. "For a while, during our journey, meseemed the adversities of travel would render her a more tolerable companion. But once on her own ground, she waxed as imperious as ever. I went fishing for perch and caught a whale.

  "Besides, back home I know a more companionable lass, who if a trifle less beautiful is infinitely more even-tempered."

  "That were easy," said Landwin, "since our wife-in-common is the least even-tempered person I've ever known." He picked his lute off a shelf. "I'm ready."

  Gontran rumbled: "A word of advice! Honor forbids me to punish you libertines ere ye depart; but guard yourselves if we meet anon upon the ro
ad."

  "Thankee for the warning," said Landwin, opening the door. Instantly he leaped back with a screech. "By all the fiends, what's this?"

  "Doctor Tsudai's pet dragon," said Eudoric. "It will hold off the marids whilst we make our escape. Then he'll return it to its proper world. Come on, everyone!"

  -

  XVIII – Flowers in Fall

  Landwin and Forthred were down at the River Mosarn, bathing. Eudoric, who had already had his bath, did on his forester's garb and set himself to kindling a fire. Another day's travel would bring them to the borders of the Empire.

  The snap of a trodden twig brought Eudoric round. At the edge of the glade, Sir Gontran of Tolosa strode out from under the lofty, leafless trees, wearing his mailshirt and grasping his sword in both scarred hands. When Eudoric sprang up to face him, he said:

  "Ha, my fine lecher! I warned you to guard your vile self! Have at thee!"

  As he lofted the two-handed sword, Eudoric drew his own weapon. The thought flashed through his mind to yell for his companions; but what could they do, arriving unarmed and naked, and neither one a fighter? Eudoric's armor and his crossbow, either of which might have shifted the odds, were lashed in a bundle on a spare horse.

  Eudoric feared that, if he parried so as to meet the big sword squarely, his lighter blade might break. He parried the first swing slantwise, so that the two-bander skittered off.

  "Be not a zany!" he shouted at Gontran. "If neither of us wants the jade, what are we fighting for?"

  "Honor!" roared Gontran, making another swing. "Methinks ye Imperials know nought of honor. Well, I'll teach thee!"

  Another swing, another parry. Eudoric's arm tingled with the impact.

  "Honor, hell!" said Eudoric. "You wear a mailshirt; I, nought but this leathern jack."

  "That's thy misfortune. I warned thee." Another swing; Eudoric's heel caught on a root, so that he stumbled back and barely avoided another powerful slash.

  "Stand and fight, dancing master!" howled Gontran. Round and round they went, swords clanging. Eudoric began to tire; but so, he saw, did Gontran. The warrior's face was scarlet with effort and dripped with sweat, even in the cool autumnal air.

  Then came the instant for which Eudoric had been waiting. Gontran paused to catch his breath, standing with feet widely braced and the long sword held before him with the blade slanting up towards Eudoric. Eudoric whipped up his own blade and captured Gontran's near the tip in a prise. He forced the hostile blade around in a circle, which threw it out of line. A quick advance brought Eudoric past Gontran's point and within his own sword's reach of his foe.

  Eudoric lunged. Instead of aiming for Gontran's mailed chest, he drove his blade into the warrior's right thigh, protected only by woolen breeches. He felt the point bite through.

  Gontran gave an animal-like howl and started to raise his sword. Eudoric skipped back out of reach as Gontran's wounded leg folded beneath him, spilling him into the leaf mold. As Gontran struggled into a half-sitting position, still gripping his sword, Eudoric aimed a mighty cut at Gontran's neck. The warrior threw up his left arm, into which the blade bit. Eudoric sent a backhanded blow towards the other side of the exposed neck; he missed and laid open Gontran's cheek.

  Landwin and Forthred ran up, dripping. Landwin said: "What's—we heard the clash—"

  Eudoric made a thrust at Gontran's throat. Gontran jerked aside, so that the blade pierced his shoulder muscle; the push toppled the massive man over on his back. He lay moving his heavy limbs like a wounded insect.

  "Methinks he's cut up enough to be harmless," said Landwin. "The knightly codes ordain giving a fallen foe a chance to yield."

  Eudoric hesitated. Then he knelt beside the fallen man and spoke: "Sir Gontran!"

  "Aye?" The voice came out half strangled by blood.

  "Do you yield and swear by your honor never more to molest your co-husbands?"

  For a few heartbeats, Gontran was silent; then he suddenly spat blood and saliva at Eudoric. "That for thee, thou coystril!" he coughed.

  Eudoric, rising, sighed. "I would not only have let him live; I'd have patched up his wounds if he'd spoken me fair. But to spare one who would spend his life looking for a chance to slay me were mere folly." He brought his blade whistling down on Gontran's throat, half severing the neck. Gontran lay staring at the sky while his blood poured out on the forest litter.

  Eudoric wiped and sheathed his sword, saying: "You are my witness, Landwin. He asked for it, in case anyone seek to make an issue of this."

  "We had better bury him," said Landwin, "and swear ourselves to silence. He was somewhat of a Franconian national hero."

  "How did such an arrant blockhead achieve the name of hero?"

  " 'Twas he who led that fatal charge of the Franconian knights at Polovotsograd, and he alone survived that field of blood."

  "How so?"

  "He cut his way out of the swarming Pantorozian hordes. He may have been a blockhead, but so mighty were his strokes that every blow laid low an opponent. So—"

  "We have no shovel," said Eudoric. "Forthred! Don your breeks and boots and go find the simpleton's horse. Methinks he may have brought a shovel with him, intending to bury us therewith."

  Forthred departed. Landwin, his head cocked quizzically, said: "You think of everything, do you not?

  "Sir Eudoric, knight,

  Puts monsters to rout;

  Prevails in a fight

  With a murderous lout.

  He chaffers with lords

  And roisters with churls;

  He's handy with swords

  And loved by the girls,

  But flees like a hare,

  Although without blame,

  The sorceress fair,

  Yolanda by name!"

  Eudoric laughed heartily. "Would that I had half the virtues you attribute to me! Especially that part about being loved by the girls. The only girls who seem taken with me—Yolanda aside—sell their affections for ready money. With you, I'm told, 'tis otherwise. What have you that I lack, aside from your gift of tossing off rhymes?"

  Landwin squinted knowingly. "I mean no dispraise, Eudoric; but to me you seem a bit of a cold-blooded contriver—too much so to be a very prow lover."

  Eudoric shrugged. "You are right. At Saalingen University they called me 'Eudoric the Calculator,' because I excelled in reckoning. I fear my classmates did not much like me; but I went my own way regardless, as I've done ever since."

  Forthred returned, leading a horse with one hand and bearing a shovel in the other. Eudoric held out three grass stems.

  "Take one each, my friends," he said. "Short straw takes first turn at the shovel. Oh, murrain, 'tis mine! Give me the shovel, pray."

  -

  Doctor Baldonius called: "Come in! Come in! And leave not the door ajar; 'tis cold ... By the God and Goddess, if it be not Eudoric! How art? Didst have more fantastic adventures in the western kingdoms?"

  "Nought much." Eudoric shrugged. "Save a few incidents like saving a maiden from a sea monster; being forced to wed her only to learn that she already had three living husbands; and being snatched from durance vile by a Serican wizard and his pet dragon. I'll tell you all about it, but meanwhile—"

  "Where is Forthred?"

  "Calling upon his sweetling. He'll be along shortly."

  "How fared he?"

  "He's a worthy lad and a dutiful squire. He once attempted a spell from the princess's armory; it went a little awry but natheless saved our skins. What's new here?"

  "Knew ye that Baron Rainmar's dead?"

  "Aye; my family told me when I arrived yesterday. Skewered by a shaft in the back, and no man saw the archer."

  "Divine justice caught up with Rainmar at last," said Baldonius sententiously.

  "Oh, yea? Rainmar murdered scores in's sanguinary life. Since no man can be slain more than once, where's the justice in balancing one death against dozens?"

  Baldonius laid a finger beside his nose and winked. "I c
onfess, that thought hath also flickered through mine aged brain. But such queries might bring one to trial for heresy, especially since King Valdhelm got religion, as they say, and decided that all Locania must do likewise. Now Rainmar's son-in-law, and a cousin, and Count Petz are locked in a legal broil over the title. Since the son-in-law hath the castle, methinks he'll prevail." Baldonius pushed his spectacles up his nose to see more clearly. "By the axis of the universe, what's that in your hands? A bunch of flowers, now, when we expect the first snow any day?"