Hidden Wishes

by Lisa Manifold

  Then Graham asked about what time we were leaving for my family birthday dinner.

  “Well, I don’t think you should come, Graham.” I felt uneasy about saying this, but he knew how they were. There was no way I could tell them about us like this. They had to be prepared. I needed to give them time. I needed to give me time.

  I was so busy working out how I needed to make all of this happen I missed the one-hundred-eighty-degree change in Graham.

  “What do you mean, I can’t come?” His blond hair was messy, and his eyes, normally calm, were glittering with anger.

  “You know how they are—” I began.

  “No, I don’t! I don’t give a rat’s ass how they are. That won’t work anymore, Bryant. This is on you. I know how you are! I don’t really know your family. As far as they know, I’m your friend, just your roommate! Did you know your mom said it was nice you were able to find someone to split expenses once Tibby finally moved out? What the hell? I’m your boyfriend! We’re together! Except when you’re with your family, which is often, since they, you know, live in the same city! Then it’s, Sorry Graham, you understand Graham,” he mimicked me. “That’s not good enough anymore, Bry!” He glared, crossing his arms.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say,” I began.

  “I want you to be yourself and be honest with the people in your life about who you are. That means telling them about me. Especially now. Am I supposed to pretend that we still are just roommates that we aren’t engaged? You’re seriously telling me I’m supposed to pretend all this—” he gestured to indicate my proposal, “Didn’t happen?”

  If there was one thing I hated, it was an ultimatum. While Graham didn’t say it explicitly, this felt like one.

  I didn’t respond right away, and he said, “I won’t live like this anymore. I’ve given you so many chances, and I understand why you don’t feel you’re ready. But I can’t live this way. So since you can’t change, I’m going to have to.”

  “What do you mean?” I could feel the fear slithering around in my stomach. I was pretty sure I knew what this meant, but I had to hear it.

  “I’m done, Bry. I love you, but I love myself, and I hate myself for where I’ve allowed you to put me. I wish it wasn’t like this, but I can’t live with myself anymore. Which means I can’t live with you.”

  He looked at me expectantly, and when I didn’t move, didn’t say anything, he turned without a word.

  “I am not going to marry you when you don't even tell your mom that I’m more to you than your roommate, Bryant. Even now, when you’ve just proposed, there’s no truth in it.” He walked out of our room with a suitcase in his hand. “I can’t and won’t be part of that. I love you, but I can’t live a lie for you any longer, no matter how much I love you.”

  “Did you already have that packed?” I pointed at the suitcase. I’d asked him to marry me and he had a damn suitcase packed?

  “I knew we’d be talking about your birthday tonight, and I decided I wasn’t going to be kept in the closet with you again. I don’t mean to be an asshole, but I can’t live like this. I do love you, and I’ve always wanted to marry you.”

  “Wait a second. You said yes. But now you’re saying no?” I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Whatever was happening was happening too fast.

  “I thought you proposing meant that you were going to tell your family. That we’d make the announcement tonight. It’s not like they don’t know who I am.” He glared.

  “I need to tell them about me, and then I can tell them about us,” I said.

  Graham looked at me, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I could barely tell what I was thinking.

  Then he turned, and walked toward the front door, opening it. He looked over his shoulder at me, and then inhaled deeply, and walked out.

  He didn’t slam the door of the front room behind him. He just left.

  I listened, waiting to hear his tread on the stairs, to know that he was headed up to the loft, to have some time alone.

  Instead, I heard bumping around out in the hall, in the foyer.

  Then the slam of the front door.

  He’d left?

  Mobilized, I ran for the other room to look out the window. Graham and someone whose face I couldn’t see were loading suitcases into the trunk of the car. The other man slammed the lid. Then they both got into the car.

  Graham never looked back.

  Happy birthday to me, right?

  I hadn’t seen him since. I didn’t call because what could I say? I knew why he was upset, and I understood it. But I wasn’t ready? Able? To do anything on my part.

  Not to mention, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was going to have to own some serious fuck-ups. Because Graham was right. I’d asked him to marry me, and told him to stay home, stay hidden.

  Shame washed over me. What the fuck was wrong with me? No wonder I didn’t want to think about this. I knew there was more. But I could only take it a little at a time.

  Which should tell me something. This was my fault.

  “What the hell?” I asked the empty room as I went to the fridge and got out a beer. I knew that I was in the wrong here, but then why did he say yes and then no? That fact was the one that was going to make me crazy.

  “What the hell indeed?” A deep voice asked.

  I whirled around. A man—a painted man—hovered in the shadows.

  I knew who it was. At least, I was pretty sure I knew. I’d heard of him. But seeing him… it was more than I’d expected. I realized in that instant that in spite of all that Tibby and Xavier told me, part of me didn’t believe.

  Kind of hard to dispute them now.

  “What are you doing here?” I finally managed.

  He moved forward, and he was, in fact, hovering. He didn’t seem to have any legs. His arms were crossed, and I could see that he was appraising me as much as I was him.

  He was hot. Something no one had bothered to mention, but I guess that wasn’t on their radar. He reminded me of a deadly blade. Beautiful to look at but would kill you as easily as he would look at you.

  “You don’t seem surprised to see me. I presume your friends have mentioned me,” he said, the barest hint of a smile on his lips.

  “Well, I was wondering if I would. Since you’re moving down the line of people Tibby knows.”

  He held up a finger. “No. Of the people Tabitha loves. There’s a difference.”

  I sat down on my sofa, taking a drink of my beer. “Yes, there is.” She didn’t love many people.

  “And I heard your thoughts, full of sadness and woe at what you see as your…” he paused, considering his words. “Plight.”

  “You don’t see it as such?”

  He had such a formal way of speaking that I found myself slipping into it. Kind of like being in court and putting on your legal vocabulary.

  “I think, like your friends, what you see as suffering has been brought about via your own actions. And while you are in pain now, you are not as poorly as you could be.”

  “Such as?” Floating hot djinn he might be, but he didn’t know me.

  “I know you better than you think,” Dhameer said.

  Because this couldn’t be anyone other than Dhameer.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. You are alone now because your last partner moved out. He left because you are not honest, Bryant Higgs. You are not honest with yourself, or your family—you hide who you are. And it keeps you from getting the things you want.”

  “I pretty much have everything I want,” I said, before I could help myself.

  “Oh? That’s why you’re looking around your home sadly? Lost in memories?” He laughed. “Please, tell me more of this. Feel free to throw in the commentary as to how happy you are.”

  “Did you come here just to mess with me?” I wanted to be surly, but it all seemed to take too much effort.

  “Why do you all ask that? No, I am here to offer you a gift, to help you. I like you, b
ased on what I have seen in how you interact with both Tabitha and Xavier. I like you enough to offer you a wish. The thing you really wish for, what you want in your secret heart, where no one else sees.”

  “What do I want?” I asked, curious to see what he’d say.

  “Love. Acceptance. Freedom. All three of these things are lacking in your life. As I said before, that’s due in great part to your actions, but that doesn’t change the fact they are not here. Or that you want them.”

  I took another drink. He was right. Not that I wanted to hear it.

  “I can’t,” I said, and I wasn’t sure which part of his statement I was addressing.

  Dhameer looked sad, but his words didn’t falter. “I can offer you all of those things, and the ability to be with the one person you’re supposed to be with, but in order to have that, and him, you need to be open and welcoming. You’re neither at the moment.”

  “How am I supposed to do that? Is that the catch?”

  He smiled. “There is always a catch, isn’t there? I almost didn’t come to visit you. What you want—it’s not overly difficult. I don’t need to reorder time, or make all manner of crazy things happen so that you can attain the things you want, the life you desire. You have the ability.”

  “So why are you here?”

  “Because I hate to see people suffer who could solve their own problems. Sometimes it takes hearing it from someone not involved.”

  “I don’t get a wish, then?”

  “You will get your wish, provided you put in the effort for it to happen. I’m not going to grant a wish so that you can end up here alone, drinking.” He rolled his eyes. “I have a tad more pride in my work than that, Bryant.”

  If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’d had too much to drink at dinner. But I hadn’t. This was surreal.

  “So what do I have to do?”

  Now Dhameer rolled his eyes. “Did you not speak with Tabitha and Xavier? There is nothing that is completely free. With djinn this is especially true. You can have your wish—if you do the things that will allow for your wish to happen.”

  “Okay, so what do I have to do?” Tibby had said he was really clever. I didn’t see it.

  “That is for you to figure out,” Dhameer smiled in a way that suggested more satisfaction than was necessary.

  I thought about it. “What—wait! I have to fix things, and not only that, I need to figure out what’s wrong so that I can fix them—and only then, will my wish come true?”

  “No, only then will you have the chance to attain your wish. As with your friends, your actions will direct this. Humans, I have found, do not value that which they do not work for.” He looked over my head, and I could see a flash of sadness cross his face. It was the most emotion I’d seen from him since he popped up in my house.

  “Is that even a wish?”

  Dhameer threw up his hands. “You are offered a chance. That’s more than most ever get—an assured chance—”

  I held up my own hand. “Yeah, if and only I meet some standards, some expectations—”

  “Then I withdraw my offer,” Dhameer said. His face was expressionless, closed.

  I felt my stomach curl in fear. “No, wait!” Tibby would kill me. So would Xavier. I didn’t want to tell them I’d finally seen the guy and tossed the offer in his face. Particularly as I was bitching to myself about not getting a wish earlier. They thought the world of Dhameer, and he’d put them both through the ringer.

  Dhameer was already drifting away. Would he go through the wall, like a ghost? I wondered.

  “Yes?” He looked over his shoulder, dismissive and aloof.

  “I’m sorry.”

  The only movement from him was the raising of a brow that indicated extreme disbelief.

  As an attorney, you looked for these small movements, these little bits of physical language that told you the real truth, the real what of what was going on.

  I understood silent communication well.

  “I really am sorry. I’m not in the best place, and I’m kind of being an asshole to everyone around me.”

  Dhameer turned around and faced me. “Indeed. Then you are telling me you will accept my offer?”

  I nodded. “Figure out what I need to fix, fix it, and then my wish happens.”

  “You need the time to figure out what you truly wish for, Bryant.”

  I dismissed that. “I know what that is. That’s the easiest part of this whole thing.”

  The brow went to his forehead.

  “I know what I want,” I said firmly. I wanted Graham back. I would shout about us from the rooftops if I needed to. He’d been gone less than a day and I could feel the difference in the place.

  “Very well. Do we have an agreement?”

  “We do.”

  Dhameer nodded, and then said, “Good luck, Bryant. You do not have an easy path before you, but if all goes well, then you will end up as happy as the friends you cherish.”

  I opened my mouth, then closed it. I wanted that. Before Graham walked out, I thought I had it, and felt lucky I hadn’t needed the help from a djinn, or genie, or whatever he was. Now, when I saw either of my best friends with their spouses, my heart ached. I wanted what they had, and if I had to work to get it back, then that’s what I would do.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  Another nod, and Dhameer vanished.

  Leaving the glitter that was apparently his trademark.

  I sat back down, reaching for my beer, taking a long drink.

  Holy shit, did I have a long list of things to do. I didn’t even know where to begin it.

  I finished my beer, getting up to toss the bottle. Better to go to bed. Plenty of time to focus on this with a fresh head, and emotions that weren’t all over the damn place.

  4

  Graham, baby?” I reached over, my eyes still closed. Too sleepy to open them.

  My hand went out, and I felt the pillow. Where was he?

  It was cold, and I couldn’t feel a dent in it, or the residual warmth that would be there had he just gotten up.

  I ran my hand down his side of the bed. It was cold, too, and the bedclothes still neat. I remembered the last forty-eight hours.

  He was gone.

  The hot tears fell down my cheek and wet the pillow. I didn’t open my eyes. If I did, I would see the empty space, and that would make it real.

  I woke before my alarm went off. Was last night real? Had I really seen Dhameer, or was he merely a hallucination?

  I knew that Graham was gone. My eyes had the gritty feel that comes from tears, and now, in the dawning light, I could see the neat side of the bed.

  He was still gone.

  The bed nearly undid me with each glance. So I got up and headed for a hot shower. I thought better in the shower, anyway.

  There was no time to waste. I needed to fix the things that weren’t right, and then he and I would be together again. This would be a shitty chapter in our history.

  However, that didn’t stop a few more tears in the shower. Along with the voice that sounded a lot like my dad’s, telling me that men didn’t cry.

  I really wanted to tell him he was wrong.

  Damn it.

  When I got to work, Tibby was already there. I stuck my head in her office.

  “Hey, you make coffee?”

  Because dear lord did, I need it today.

  “Yeah, and I even brought in the creamer you like. I figured you’d need plenty of coffee after the family celebrations last night—holy shit, Bry, what is going on?”

  Tibby looked up at me.

  I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. How to make this not a big deal?

  She was up and to me before I could figure out what I wanted to share. “What did they do now?”

  She knew my family well. She also knew I’d been dreading dinner with them.

  “It wasn’t them,” I said quietly.

  “What, then?” Her tone sounded fierce.

&nbs
p; Tibby always told me that I’d rescued her from a world of shit—now that I knew about her wishes, I understood, sort of, what she meant. It was hard to follow all that had happened. I couldn’t keep track of where she’d been, or how she’d lived multiple lives. She said she did, and I left it at that. The truth was, while I’d rescued her from Gerry the jerk, she’d rescued me as well. Other than Graham, there was no one who loved me like Tibby. Unapologetically, completely, and fiercely.

  Well, now there was only Tibby.

  “Graham left,” I began.

  “Why now?”

  Her question startled me. “What do you mean?”

  Tibby pursed her lips. “He’s been unhappy for a while, but he loves you, so…” she held up her hands helplessly. “He wanted you to work things out for the two of you without nagging.”

  “He talked to you about this?”

  Tibby frowned. “Well, yeah. We’re friends, Bry. I mean, I’m not as close to him as I am to you—that would never happen. But he and I were friends. You guys have been together for a long time.”

  “Not anymore, I think,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Because he wanted to come with me last night.”

  “Oh.” Her tone said it all.

  Tibby, like Graham, felt I should be honest with my family. However, Tibby also understood why I wasn’t. She had her own crappy family, and I think she won in the crappy family department between the two of us.

  The difference was, she was honest with her family. Her parents’ drinking had quietly but definitively torn her family apart. Because of that, she kept her distance, and she wasn’t shy about telling them so. They didn’t care for it at all.

  “Because it will force them to look at their own shit,” Tibby always said.

  Her sigh brought me back to the here and now.

  “What did you tell him?”

  “I told him no, of course,” I said. I held up a hand to stop the lecture. “I know, I know! I was an ass, and I need to fix it.”

  “Fix what? Which part? How?”

  “Enough with the questions, woman! Have you no decency? It’s not even 8:30 in the morning, and I am as yet un-coffeed.”