Hidden Wishes

by Lisa Manifold

  But before, I wasn’t interested in him. Well, I was. But I wasn’t focused on him. I was going out with him because it seemed nice, and I was focused on… I wouldn’t say his name. We were done. Done. Remember that.

  I needed to remember not to go on about he-who-will-not-be-mentioned-by-me either.

  A hostess swung the door open. I scanned the room and saw Declan sitting at a table toward the back. He waved, and I headed for him.

  “Hey, you’re right on time,” he said. “You must have pleased the parking Gods.”

  I laughed. I loved where I lived and worked, but parking was hell. It was an accepted thing, but that didn’t make it any less hellish.

  “Something like that,” I said. “How are you?”

  He looked fantastic. His eyes were so blue, so vibrant, even in the slightly darkened room.

  “Ready to not go into work again,” he grimaced. “Or at least, not talk to a DC employee again.”

  I sat down, and we ordered, talking easily about work. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know me, or all my intricate details. Gra—no. I stopped myself. I wasn’t thinking about him.

  “So tell me about your partner. You talk about her a lot. Are you related?” Declan’s head was cocked to one side, and he looked delicious.

  I felt my neck warm at the thought.

  “No,” I said, forcing a laugh. “We went to law school together, and I asked her if she’d be my partner in our third year. She’s fantastic,” I added. “Even now that she’s a newlywed.”

  Declan laughed. “Is she all, ‘You should get married’? All my friends who do are immediately ready to hook up all their poor single friends.”

  “No, thankfully not. I think she knows better. Although it’s hard,” I added. “Our other friend, Xavier, just got married, and I’m the last one to be single. No one, including him, thought he’d ever get married again.” I smiled, thinking about X. He and Olivia were perfect for each other.

  Another Dhameer success story. Where was mine?

  I wondered what the hell I was doing wrong, and when I’d find what my friend had.

  “I’m sorry?” I came back to the conversation. I’d never find anything if I kept zoning out on dates.

  “Two weddings in one year? The nagging is about to start.”

  “My mom is already there,” I said. “I’m the only one who’s single out of all the kids.”

  “How many?”

  “I have two brothers.”

  “Does your family know?”

  The conversation took a turn. Even though he asked it casually, it was a loaded question.

  “That I’m gay? Well, yeah, they know now.”

  His eyebrows went up. “When did you tell them?”

  I sighed. “About two months ago.”

  To my surprise, he laughed. “How did you keep it to yourself for so long? As soon as I got into college, my sisters confronted me.”

  “How many sisters?”

  “Three. I didn’t have a chance.”

  “Your family okay with it?” I found myself wondering how others had managed it.

  He shrugged as he smiled although his gaze slid away. “Sure, why not? They just want me to be happy, although my mom told me she worried, because it made things harder for me. What about your family?”

  “I don’t think I gave them enough credit,” I confessed. Part of me wondered if this was normal date conversation. “When I told them, everyone but one of my sisters-in-law was fine, and my brothers had a bet on it.”

  Declan laughed. “It’s amazing how we struggle, and then we tell people, and they’re not shocked.”

  I nodded. “I think it was a bit of a shock, because my family is pretty traditional.”

  “Well, couldn’t they get a hint from your friends?”

  I thought about that. “I don’t really hang out with a lot of gay people,” I said. “I used to hang out with—well, someone else, but they just thought he was one of my close friends, and we didn’t—”

  “They didn’t know you were dating your ex?” There was pity in his face.

  “No.”

  Declan looked down, and took a few bites of his food, then back at me, an earnest expression on his face.

  “How old are you, Bryant?”

  “Twenty-eight. Why?”

  He sighed. “You’re a grown man, but you’ve only just come out to your family. You don’t hang out with a group of friends who get you. You’re pretty contained. And you’ve just ended a long-term relationship. I like you. But I’m not sure we’re in the same place.”

  I was stunned. I didn’t even know what to say.

  “What are you saying?”

  Declan shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m saying. There’s a lot going on over there,” he waved his hand in a circle at me. “I think it’s hard to take on anything new with all that you’re dealing with.”

  “So… are you saying that you’d rather not see me?” Holy shit. I didn’t expect this.

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I look at things objectively and see where the potential challenges are. It’s part of who I am,” he grinned, and his smile was like a beacon. “I don’t mind a challenge. I never have.” He looked at me, right in the eyes.

  It was intense. My neck got hot again, and I could feel myself crazily, intensely attracted to him.

  “But you’re a pretty big one. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker,” he looked down at his food again. “I just believe in being honest with what I see.”

  “Yeah, you’re that,” I said.

  His expression changed. “Oh, fuck. I didn’t—” he looked away.

  “What?” I felt like he was two steps ahead of me.

  He looked back, a rueful expression on his face. “I didn’t mean to lay my thought process on you. I’m really bad about it. I don’t mind seeing where problems are. It makes things easier to navigate, to me. But not everyone is like that. I’m sorry.”

  What? I shook my head. This was a lot. “No, it’s fine. I think—”

  Declan held up a hand. “Since we’re hitting all the heavy topics tonight, I’ll just tell you that this little habit of mine has been a reason that all my exes have wanted to kill me at one time or another. They tell me it’s defeatist.”

  “Well, it’s a little intimidating,” I said.

  He laughed. “I’m sorry. How about we leave it at we both have shit, and we have to do what anyone else does, and work through the past shit to move forward?”

  With those simple words, he eased all the discomfort I was feeling. “I like that. Tib tells me I’m baggage boy.”

  He laughed again. “She sounds fun.”

  I smiled, feeling normal for the first time since we’d started down this conversational minefield. “She is. She’s my best friend.”

  “And who’s the other guy?”

  “X? Xavier. He’s…” I hesitated.

  “What? Now I’m overly curious.”

  “Well, you know who XTC is?”

  “Yeah?”

  He didn’t make the connection.

  “That’s X. XTC.”

  A moment, and then his mouth opened slightly. “What? XTC? Really? Holy crap! How is that, being friends with someone that famous?”

  I laughed. “He’s kind of a pain in the ass. He and Tib grew up together. I inherited his friendship although I love the guy.” I started laughing harder. “He’s actually a lot of fun, in spite of the pain in the ass thing. You see where he ended up at Cobalt a while back?”

  He nodded. “I read about that. I actually had a couple of friends who were there. They said—wait, were you there with him?”

  I nodded. “We were taking Seth—that’s Tibby’s husband—out before the wedding, you know, as Tibby’s best friends. That kind of thing. So we go out, and we’re at a bar drinking whiskey, and we all get a little shitty, and then X says, You choose, Bry, and I went there.” I laughed, thinking about it. “He had this huge bar b
ill, and numbers in all his pockets. He doesn’t remember much, but his manager went ballistic.”

  “I can totally see the numbers. He’s hot,” Declan said.

  “He is, but I don’t even see it anymore,” I said. “I’ve known him so long.”

  Declan started to laugh. “My friends that were there said he was wasted, but that he was so much fun. Then all the rumors started,” he laughed some more.

  “That’s what pissed his manager off so much.”

  “I saw that statement he made. Was that why he did it?”

  “Yeah, the guy was a total bigot, and X was not in the best mood, so he went out and fired him. Then he called me on the way home and said I had to help him find a new manager.” I laughed. “I tried to say that was Tib’s job, but he said the bar was my pick, and we weren’t calling Tib on her honeymoon, so I got to it.”

  “That’s what you do for friends,” he said, laughing with me. “Even if it’s a complete pain in the ass.”

  “Declan! Hey, man, what’s going on?”

  We both turned at the same time, and a stunningly handsome man was approaching the table. Declan got up, his hand out.

  “Hey, Steve, how are you?”

  “Good, good, man! Where you been? We haven’t seen you in ages.” Steve glanced at me.

  Declan saw it. “Oh, sorry. Steve, this is my friend Bryant Higgs. Bryant, Steve Carter.”

  Steve stuck his hand out. “Bryant, good to meet you.” We shook. Then he turned his attention back to Declan. “You coming out this week? You’re like a hermit.”

  “I think so,” Declan said. “It’s been hell at work, and I haven’t been able to get out in time to make it. We play pick up every week,” he said to me. “And I’m a shit team member, because I haven’t been there in what? Three weeks?”

  Steve nodded. “We’re all feeling like you dumped us,” he pulled a sad face.

  Declan laughed. “More like you got your ass handed to you and you’re tired of losing. I’m the star player,” he said to me as though he was confiding a secret.

  “You wish,” Steve laughed. “You think you can get away this week?”

  “I’ll try,” Declan nodded.

  “Hey, let me know, okay? That way we can manage our disappointment. You play?” Steve said to me.

  “Play what?” I asked.

  “Basketball? We have an easy-going league,” Steve said. “You’re welcome, if you’d like.”

  “He works more than I do,” Declan said before I could answer.

  “Well, if you guys can drag yourselves from your desks, maybe I’ll see you.” Steve turned, and waved at a couple of guys standing near the door. “All right, well, good seeing you, Deck. Bryant, good to meet you.” He smiled and walked away.

  Declan sat back down and looked at me. “I hope I didn’t overstep. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to say yes. But you’re welcome to come, if you’d like.”

  “I haven’t played since college,” I said.

  “We’re not really good, or anything. It’s just fun, hanging out with the guys. I’ve missed it, but I really have been up to my ass in work. You should come though. It would be good for you to get out, meet people.”

  I felt the side of my mouth turn up. “I think you have a little cruise director in you, Declan.”

  He stared at me for a moment and then burst out laughing. “No one’s ever called me that before, but I think it’s an apt description. I’ll have to tell my sisters.” He chuckled.

  Conversation moved away to less involved things, and I was grateful. This already felt like a lot to share.

  But it was nice that I wasn’t the only one with a baggage cart as Tib would say.

  After we’d eaten until I thought I might burst—there was something about steamed mussels that made it hard for me to stop—Declan grabbed the bill before I could even make a move.

  “Hey, let me,” I began.

  “Nope. This is on me. Next one’s on you.”

  “All right, but no sneaking the bill on me,” I warned.

  “Well, at least this way I know we’re having another date,” he said, not meeting my eyes.

  “Why wouldn’t we?”

  Declan looked up from the bill as he put his card down. “You don’t think we got a little involved in our conversation? I don’t regret it, but I will if you decide you don’t want to see me again.”

  “I thought I was the one who was all messed up,” I said.

  “Everyone’s messed up, Bryant. It’s just a matter of what’s your poison.”

  I felt that warm feeling again, the one I’d felt before. Like I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t a freak would die alone, with no one discovering me until the smell bothered the neighbors.

  Hey, it’s a legit fear.

  “I think there will be another date,” I said, warmed by how nice this felt.

  “Good. I’m glad to know I didn’t fuck it all up. But let’s just stay low-key and honest, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said.

  We got up and headed out.

  “You want to walk for a bit?” Declan asked

  “Yeah, I ate too much. It’s the mussels,” I added.

  “I know. It’s hard to stop.”

  Jesus God. I felt about one hundred, having this conversation, but we headed down toward the canal. It was a good place.

  Neither of us spoke very much, and as we headed onto the path, the street lights spaced out. It was darker, and I was surprised how comfortable I felt with him. I didn’t think that I’d find that again—well, at least not so soon after—well. Not just yet.

  Censuring your thoughts was a pain in the ass.

  As we walked along, the silence stretched out. Then Declan stopped and grabbed my hand.

  “I know it might not be the best move, but I’ve wanted to do this all night,” he said, and his voice was husky. “Slap me if I’m being an asshole,” and he pulled me close.

  His other hand went up to my face and caressed my cheek. “You are the most handsome man I’ve met in ages,” he whispered.

  He hesitated, his lips close to mine. I could practically feel the sparks between us, but he didn’t get any closer.

  I reached up and put my hands on his face, bringing him closer. “You’re anything but an asshole,” I said as I kissed him.

  The electricity that I felt being near him that I’d felt when he took my hand on our first date was nothing—nothing—compared to this. I felt it race through me, ending at my toes. I immediately got hard, and I could feel the blood rushing in my brain.

  His arms went around me, tightening his hold on me. He had a slight stubble across his jaw, a little five o’clock shadow, and the feel of it against my face made my heart race even faster.

  His tongue licked at my lips, and it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. I wanted to tear his clothes off and spend the entire night with him, exploring every inch of him.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt overwhelmed by desire. It wasn’t just desire though—it was that this amazing, handsome, sexy man was kissing me, and apparently having the same thoughts I was. The idea that I made him as hot as he made me just upped my desire to drag him to the nearest room.

  He ran one of his hands up my back, and neck and then into my hair and I felt my knees get weak. He smelled so good, and his lips were firm, and he touched me like I was the only thing in the world.

  We stumbled a bit, back into a small fence, and then broke apart, both breathing heavily.

  “Wow,” Declan said.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  He laughed softly. “So much for taking things all slow,”

  “It was slow enough,” I said. “It can count.”

  “So says the lawyer,” he took my hand as he said it, and I could see the flash of his smile even in the darkness. “Listen, why don’t we head back?”

  I smiled, even though everything below the waistline was screaming for another call. “Okay.”

  We held hand
s as we walked back toward the restaurant.

  “This is me,” I said, pointing at my car.

  “Well, thank you for a great evening,” Declan said.

  He squeezed my hand, and I wrapped my free hand around his waist, unable to resist him. Our lips met, and the same feeling of flying and adrenaline raced through me. It hadn’t gone away, but a little physical distance allowed my heart rate to go back to normal for a moment.

  No more. I felt myself falling into him, and I didn’t want to stop. But I needed to. I stepped back, breathless. “Thank you for a great evening,” I said.

  “I’ll call you?” I could hear the slight question.

  “Yes.”

  He kissed me again, once on the lips, light and gentle. Then with another squeeze of my hand, he let it go and walked away. I watched him, admiring him as he did.

  Then I leaned against the car and tried to catch my breath.

  Holy shit. I hadn’t expected that.

  As I drove home, I thought about it. I hadn’t expected to feel such naked lust for anyone other than Graham, and certainly not anytime soon. But Declan was really fantastic, and I enjoyed him. You know, even putting my raging hard-on aside.

  It made me wonder at the depth of my feelings for Graham. Not that I was holding out hope for him—okay, maybe a little. Everyone wants their ex to come back, weeping tears of regret and groveling for forgiveness.

  Or maybe that was just me. I’d have to ask Tib if I was just shittier than most people.

  Declan’s comments made me think about the fact that I was really pretty alone. I’d stayed aloof from a lot of the family friends because while we were living in a fairly enlightened society, one just didn’t “do” gay—even if it wasn’t a big deal anymore everywhere else. I didn’t want to have someone stumble on my secret.

  I had Tib, and X, but Declan was right. I didn’t go out with a lot of people like me—preferring to keep my private life private. Or so I told myself.

  Graham and I used to go out together, but he had friends he went out with that were his friends before we met. I’d always found them more superficial than I liked, so after hanging out with them initially, I’d stopped.

  When I’d taken Seth and X to Cobalt, it was because it was a place that Graham and I loved to go to dance. I liked being in a large, anonymous crowd.