Anna's Visions

by Joy Redmond

  Tori followed Grammy as she hobbled into the kitchen. Grammy seemed to have more bounce in her hobble – or maybe Tori just wanted to think so.

  As Grammy piled Tori’s favorite breakfast on a plate, she mumbled, “My, my. Poppy will drop over for sure. Tori is well, Jill, Mona, and Ed will be here by the time he comes in from the fields, and I might need to get out the smelling salts.” Grammy chuckled. Her laugh had more bounce in it, too.

  Fifteen minutes later, Tori heard Jill’s Pinto speeding up the driveway. Tori was waiting on the front porch as Jill slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a halt. Tori rushed down the steps and ran into Jill’s excited embrace. They swayed back and forth as they laughed and cried together, their tears falling on each other’s shoulders.

  Finally, Tori turned loose. “We can’t stand here all day bellowing. Poppy’s bull might be in rut, and that could be dangerous!” They laughed again, and then walked hand-in-hand onto the porch and sat in the swing.

  Tori didn’t give Jill time to say anything before she began her prattle. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I woke up this morning feeling alive again.”

  “That’s what we’ve all been praying for,” Jill said, flashing her most beautiful smile.

  “I tried to call Wes, but I guess he’s either working or in class.” Tori squeezed Jill’s hand.

  “Yeah, Billy says all Wes does is play football, work, and study his brains out.”

  “Well, I’ll call him again tonight,” Tori said. “Let’s go in the house and get a glass of iced tea.” She pulled on her chin, and added, “And I don’t mean some of Grammy’s special herb tea either. But you can bet your sweet bippy she thinks her special brews are what brought me back to life.” Tori made a face and they laughed.

  “Oh, yeah! She certainly does believe the herbs she grows in her garden to make her special brews did the trick. And I don’t dispute her,” Jill said. “Yeah, let’s go get that tea.”

  “Too late!” Grammy said as she opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch, carrying a tray with a pitcher of iced tea and three glasses. “I figured my two granddaughters would probably be getting thirsty after talking each other’s ears off – but keep it up, girls. It’s music to my ears.”

  Tori’s parents arrived at six o’clock and couldn’t stop hugging her. Happy tears flowed freely and Tori never felt so warm and loved.

  They all sat down and it was like old times with everyone sitting around Grammy’s table, laughing and talking. It was a wonderful day to be alive, surrounded by everyone Tori loved – except Wes.

  By nine o’clock, her mom and dad were ready to leave. They urged Tori to go home with them for a few days, but she decided to stay at Grammy’s because she didn’t want to be home alone while they were at work.

  Jill left at ten o’clock and shortly after, Grammy and Poppy kissed Tori goodnight and went upstairs.

  Tori sat by the phone, wishing it would ring. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d talked to Wes. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d seen him. Finally, she dialed his number, held her breath, her heart racing, hoping she wouldn’t start crying and sound like a blubbering idiot when he answered.

  After four rings, she heard him say, “Hello?”

  He sounded annoyed, and Tori thought she might have awakened him.

  “Wes,” she said softly, “It’s me, Tori.”

  Instead of the happy response Tori had expected, there was silence for a few seconds. She began to wonder if they’d been disconnected. Then he said, “Hello, Tori.” His voice was flat, as if he were talking to a total stranger.

  A knot formed in Tori’s throat but she continued. “Wes, I just had to hear your voice. I love you and miss you.”

  There was another uncomfortable silence, after which he said flatly, “Oh, that’s nice.”

  “Are you mad at me?” she asked and waited. There was no response so she added, “I know I haven’t been myself for a long time. It’s just that I lost my son and I–”

  He cut her off, saying sharply, “Oh, I see. You were hurting. Listen, Tori, you weren’t the only one hurting, you know. I lost my son, too. Why does everything always have to be about you?”

  “I’m sorry, Wes. You’re right. We both lost a son – but I wanted to tell you that I love you, and that I really need to see you. Can you please come as soon as possible?” She held her breath and tears blinded her.

  “I had planned on coming home next weekend to see Mom and Dad.” He paused again – paused so long, she wondered if he had fallen asleep. Then he said, “So I guess I could stop by and see you for a little while. I need to get to bed, now, I have to be up early.”

  With that, the phone line went dead.

  Tori hung up the phone and stood, her knees weak, and she wondered if she was that much out of shape or if the phone call had taken all her renewed strength. She blew a deep breath and mumbled to herself, “It’s been a long day and I’m tired. Everything will be fine once Wes comes home and I hug and kiss him. He’s probably tired, too.”

  She made her way to her bedroom, slipped on a clean gown, and crawled into the middle of the featherbed. As she closed her eyes, the familiar visions of her unborn son flashed briefly through her mind – but this time it was followed by a sense of peace that passes all understanding, unlike anything she’d ever experienced. It was almost as if the angels were letting her know that they were taking care of her son and that everything was going to be fine. In the holy darkness, she whispered, “Thank you,” then fell into a sweet dreamless sleep.

  Tori awoke the next morning glad to be alive, but wondering how she’d be able to make it through the week as she waited for Wes. She spent the week helping Grammy with housework and riding the tractor with Poppy. She also rode Henry almost every day.

  The first time she slipped into the saddle, she said, “I forgive you, Henry. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I’m glad Grammy talked Poppy out of shooting you. You’re my buddy.”

  Tori mounted Henry, nudged him in the side with her heel, and said, “You don’t have to circle the pond and bring me back to the barn. We can ride as far as we want.”

  Henry whinnied, and she didn’t know if he were laughing or agreeing, but he took her into the woods, crossed the creek, and they went all the way to the neighboring farm.

  * * * *

  Friday morning, Tori awoke, packed some clothes, and asked Grammy to drive her home. She was anxious to be back on Maple Street and excited to see her bedroom again.

  Her mother had ridden to work with her dad, leaving her car so Tori could go to the beauty shop. Tori’s hair resembled a tangled mop, and she wanted something sassy when Wes got home.

  The hairdresser shortened and layered her hair to just below her ears. Tori admired the new style in the mirror. “I love it! I hope Wes likes it, too.”

  “He’ll love it,” the hairdresser said.

  “I think so.” Tori paid the tab and headed home to pick out a sexy outfit.

  In her room she opened the closet and pushed hanger after hanger aside, hoping she could find the perfect outfit that would make Wes’ eyes pop. She finally chose a navy blue mini-shirt, slipped it over her hips, and zipped it. Then she pulled a light-blue shell over her head, careful not to mess her hair. She then applied her full regalia of makeup, maybe using a bit too much, but she didn’t care. She needed to blow Wes’ socks off when he first laid eyes on her.

  When she was done, she stared at her reflection in the floor-length mirror for a long time. The skirt didn’t fit as tightly as it once had, and she hoped Wes wouldn’t be turned off by her weight loss. She knew skinny was in, but she was a bag of bones.

  By six o’clock, Tori was sitting on the porch where she used to wait for Wes during their high school days. She began to chew her nails, but then realized she was messing up the polish, so she nervously sat on her hands for a few moments until they began to tingle.

  She ran into the house an
d pulled a piece of gum out of a pack on the kitchen table. She wanted sweet breath, but she also hoped it would help her stop biting her nails.

  She went back outside and sat on the top step. A moment later, she was pulling a string of gum out of her mouth and twirling it like she used to do when she was a child. Her nerves were about to snap.

  It was almost seven o’clock when Wes finally pulled into the driveway. Tori stood, her knees weak and her stomach doing flip-flops, wondering if she should throw herself into his arms or wait for him to reach for her first.

  He got out of the car slowly and walked toward her, not making eye contact. He stood at the bottom of the steps, looked up, and said, “Hello,” as if she were a stranger.

  “Hi, yourself,” Tori said, smiling as she walked down the steps and reached for his hand.

  He placed a limp hand into hers, but when she covered his hand with her other one, he quickly drew it back. He tucked his head and scratched his ear with his index finger as he shuffled his weight back and forth. “I–” He stopped talking as if someone had shoved a sock into his mouth.

  “Please come on in the house, Wes. Momma and Daddy are looking forward to seeing you,” Tori said, feeling sorry for his obvious discomfort.

  He dutifully followed her into the house, but as they stood in the living room, he tucked his hands behind his back as if he didn’t want Tori to touch them again.

  When her parents came into the living room and invited him to stay for supper, he said, “I’m afraid I’ll have to decline this time, but thank you. In fact, I need to be on my way. My parents are waiting for me.” He turned and headed for the front door.

  Tori hurried outside behind him, and as he started down the steps, she yelled, “Wes what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this? I don’t understand. Do you hate me? What did I do to you?”

  Wes stopped when he reached the bottom step and looked up at her. “No, Tori, I don’t hate you. A part of me will always love you, but I don’t think I can be around you anymore. You emphatically told me to get out of your life, and you told me you hated me at least a hundred times over the past five months and you blamed me for everything that happened.”

  Tori stood paralyzed. What was he talking about?

  He continued, “Now you call me up and tell me you want everything back the way it was? I’m sorry, but I just can’t take it anymore. It’s over! I can’t change my feelings according to your whims.”

  “Wes,” she pleaded, “I don’t want you out of my life. I’ve been out of my mind for the last five months. I don’t remember anything – and I especially don’t remember blaming you for anything. I can’t remember any of it, don’t you understand? I never want you out of my life. There is no life without you. I’m sorry I hurt you, but–”

  “You’re sorry you hurt me? Well, that’s news to me after all this time. I don’t know what to believe, but this time I think you’re one sorry too late.”

  Tori bristled, her hurt and anger rising. “Why didn’t you tell me all this on the phone? Why did you come over here if you don’t want anything to do with me? Did you want to see me beg? Is that what you want?”

  He didn’t answer her for a long moment, and then he smiled condescendingly. “No, Tori, begging isn’t one of your virtues. Neither is apologizing, apparently. I came because I wanted to know how I’d feel when I saw you.”

  “I said I was sorry. Isn’t that an apology?” Tori wiped tears from her cheeks. “What do you feel? Do you feel anything for me?” More tears ran and her anger flared as she realized she was acting pathetic trying to beg her husband to love her.

  Wes kept his voice calm as he said, “I’m sorry, too, Tori, but it’s over. I do wish you the best and I hope you’ll be happy.” He turned and walked toward his car, never looking back.

  Tori was numb and unable to move as she watched him drive away. He couldn’t be leaving her for good – he just couldn’t. She leaned against a pillar and laid her face against the cool bricks, tears streaming down her cheeks. “What have I done to us? Love is supposed to conquer all. I’m sorry Wes. I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

  Tori didn’t remember any of the things that Wes had accused her of, but she knew he was telling the truth. Shame filled her as she brushed a tear. “You take the bow. I’ll take the blame,” she said, and hung her head, wondering if she would ever raise it again. In that moment she even wanted to die.

  Tori rushed into the house, took the stairs two at a time, hoping Momma didn’t run after her. She didn’t. Tori guessed her mother understood that she needed to be alone. And it wouldn’t have taken a brain surgeon to figure out there was trouble in the love department, since she didn’t leave with Wes.

  Tori paced the bedroom floor, bit her nails, and felt herself sliding back into the pit of darkness – and this time she wasn’t sure if she could find the strength to climb back out.

  She stumbled through the next week on automation, simply breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other, wondering how it could all be over.

  Then her anger kicked in.

  She wasn’t about to let Wes walk away as if she were nothing more than a stray mutt he had grown tired of. She sat on the edge of her bed, her mind racing faster than a hamster in a wheel. “Hum – wonder how he’ll react when he’s served with divorce papers? Maybe that’ll shock him back to his senses?”

  Tori ran downstairs, grabbed the phone book from the kitchen counter, and flipped to the yellow pages. She ran her finger down the list of lawyers. Her index finger lingered on the name of Larry Lawson.

  Her fingers trembled as she dialed the number and she could barely find her voice when the receptionist answered. She asked for an appointment, and was told to come in at two o’clock the next afternoon.

  “Step one complete,” Tori said as she set the receiver down. “Tomorrow the game begins.” She blew a hard breath as she sank into a chair and propped her elbows on the table, wishing she could slide into a coma.

  Tori spent the rest of the day in a haze. She didn’t mention her plan to Jill. For the first time since they were in first grade, Tori hadn’t asked for Jill’s opinion.

  That night she tossed and turned, wondering if she was crazy – or if Wes was crazy.

  The next morning she awoke, glad Momma was at work, glad her mother had no idea what she had up her sleeve. She paced the floor and chewed her nails to the quick before she left for the lawyer’s office.

  Her hands trembled so hard she could barely keep the car in the right lane. She arrived at the office at exactly two o’clock.

  Larry Lawson asked a few questions, then filled out the necessary papers and had Tori sign them. After she signed, Mr. Lawson said, “Since there are no children or property involved, it should be quick and easy.”

  Tori smiled weakly, secretly angry with Larry Lawson for doing what she was paying him to do. She left the office, drove to the bank, and withdrew some of her savings account. She tried to imagine Wes’ shock when he received the divorce papers. He’d have ten days to either sign the papers or contest the divorce. She just knew he’d beg her to stop the procedure.

  As the days went by, however, she began to wonder why she still hadn’t heard from him. Maybe he wanted her to squirm until the last minute, but it didn’t matter. She knew he’d never let his queen go.

  One Friday morning, Tori was sitting in her dad’s recliner, munching on a bag of chips and twisting the studs in her recently pierced ears. She wore a new pair of short shorts and a halter-top. She’d been sunbathing and had a good start on a nice tan. She wanted to look her best when Wes showed up that night to proclaim his undying love – as she was sure he would do.

  She heard the mail carrier drop something into the mailbox and jumped from the chair, kicking over a soda can. Tori ran to the mailbox, her heart beating so hard she could hear it in her ears. She reached inside the mailbox, her hands trembling as she withdrew a white envelope that born the return address of Larry
Lawson Attorney at Law. Her hands trembled harder as she withdrew the paper, knowing it was a contention. She was shocked when she read the heading: Final Judgment of Divorce.

  “What!” she screamed. It had to be a mistake. Her mind reeled as she read the decree. She was a divorced woman! She was stunned, speechless. When she finally found her voice, she yelled, “I hate you, Wesley Asner! You spineless jellyfish!”

  She ran upstairs, opened the top drawer of the chest, threw the envelope into it, and slammed it closed. She sat on the edge of the bed, her tears flowing uncontrollably. She wasn’t a queen or even a princess – she was just a pathetic peasant girl who had been cast aside by the man she loved.

  She sat in a stupor. How had her life gotten so off track? What was she going to do? She was only half a person without Wes. Suddenly, the room seemed to be closing in on her, trying to squeeze the last breath of life from her body.

  She ran downstairs, out the front door and stood in the front yard, turning in circles. Everything she saw, every sound she heard, every way she turned was torture.

  “Too many memories of the four musketeers. One musketeer defected,” she mumbled. She turned her body full circle again. Everything and everybody was a reminder of how life used to be. Life would never be the same for her.

  She went back inside, slowly climbed the stairs, and headed for her room. She sat on the edge of the bed, studied for a few minutes, and then decided it was time for her to spread her wings – test unfamiliar waters. She was no longer Tori Asner – She was Tori Hicks, again. But who was Tori Hicks? She didn’t have a clue.

  The more she thought about it, the madder she got. “So be it,” she said, then smugly added, “Keep on bowing, Wes. Your day will come.” And there were no more tears.

  She walked over to the vanity and stared into the mirror. “Well, Grammy, mine and Wes’ forever lasted a little over four years.”

  Anna’s Note

  April 20, 1976

  For the first time in eighteen years my heart is finally at ease. I’ve put together the flashes I saw the day Tori was born. It’s behind us now. I thank God that we didn’t need the coffin for Tori. I can live out the rest of my life in peace.