Elvage

by Mary E. Twomey

  This one took longer to suppress than the other horrors, but after ten minutes, I was sane again, at least as sane as could be expected. I tucked away my crazy and reserved my ticket to the therapist’s couch that would happen in five years, after I had enough distance from the gore.

  They led me over to Jens, who spooned me while I cried myself to sleep. Usually my dreams were a nice escape for me, and recently Jamie, as well. The pictures that plagued me that night were amalgamations of my recent experiences coming back to haunt me. I screamed as I shot my poor Thomas Jefferson in the face with a gun that I’d somehow convinced him was a bouquet of flowers. I tried with all my might to put him back together, but his blood only flowed more freely over my hands and arms. The blood turned into a red ocean that sucked me down into its depths, where the Nøkkendalig were waiting for me. I yelled for Linus to save me, but he wasn’t there. He was never there anymore.

  I fought against the blood river, panic welling up in me to the point of heart palpitations. Before the evil mermen seared their marks on me again, I was yanked up by a strong set of hands I trusted. I’ve got you! Jamie assured me, dragging me to the shore. It’s alright, Lucy. Honey, it’s just a bad dream. I’m here.

  No! I cried. Save yourself! You don’t want to see all this.

  Jamie held me, and suddenly, I wasn’t bloody anymore. I was dry and clean in his arms that held me tight. I won’t leave you, Lucy, he assured me.

  Then in the bushes behind Jamie, something moved. One step, then another revealed the sight that made me calm and sob simultaneously. Linus! I yelled, scrambling in desperation to my feet as I ran to by brother. My arms went around him, and even though it was a dream, I was finally me again in that moment. It was him before the last round of chemo, when he still had a little meat to him and short dark blond hair on his head. He was solid and strong in my grip, and I couldn’t get close enough. Linus! Linus, I knew you’d be back for me!

  He smiled in that I-just-stole-your-dessert-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it way with hazel eyes that matched mine and said, Well, obviously. You didn’t think I’d let you go to the magical land of Narnia without me, did you? This place is nuts. He looked around at the red moon, but I saw nothing except for him. Speaking of nuts. What’s got you all twisted? Is Jens being a jackwagon again? Want me to kick him for you?

  You knew! I accused him, laughing hysterically. My brain felt like it was filled with helium, the lightness lifting me beyond what I thought possible. You knew about Jens and didn’t tell me?

  I also know the lead singer’s name of the Polyphonic Spree, but I’m not telling.

  You jag! I laughed, my grin brighter than it had been in ages. I squeezed him tighter. I’ve missed you.

  He held me with a matching smile and nodded to Jamie. Who’s Ranger Bob over there? Linus asked.

  I turned halfway to find Jamie standing awkwardly a few feet from us. Oh, that’s Jamie. He’s in my head, I explained. Though it was a dream, I swelled that Linus knew me so well that I didn’t have to say more than that. He just got me, plain and simple.

  Linus mussed my hair. Poor guy. I wouldn’t wish that bucket of crazy on anyone. Hey, man. He greeted Jamie.

  Jamie stepped forward and shook my brother’s hand. Good to meet you, Linus.

  Of course it is. I’m the prettier twin, he bragged. This one time, I– Linus stopped short, a confused look on his face. He jerked forward in my arms, and then stumbled back clumsily in confusion. Each step he took away from me, I noticed slight decreases in his appearance. He grew thinner, paler, weaker, and then his hair started falling out as he touched it, shocked that the follicles deserted him so easily. What? What’s happening, Lucy?! Stop it! Make it stop! He freaked out and fell to his knees, vomiting in that awful chemo way. Lucy, you have to save me! he called out through the stomach spasms.

  I threw myself on the grass next to him and held my brother while he gagged on his dinner. Jamie knelt down on his other side, searching for a way to be useful. I’m trying! I assured Linus, wracking my brain for a solution. Take more bone marrow! I ordered. You can have it all!

  Linus stopped ralphing abruptly and yanked on my shirt. It didn’t save me last time! It’s your parts that made me sick! Get them out! Get away from me! Then my brother pushed me backwards, breaking my heart in two and keeping the good half for himself.

  Lucy, this isn’t real, Jamie insisted, trying to get my attention. Sweetheart, you have to wake up now. I can’t watch this.

  There was no drawing my attention away from the sight that was Linus. Gaunt, bald and bony, he was still a wonder to behold. Linus, just give me a little more time. I can fix you. I promise, I can! I’ll let you win at Tekken! I’ll give you the good pillow! I’ll… I’ll… I cast around for anything I’d not yet offered. You can have more blood! Take as much as you need! Take it all! Please! Just don’t go away again!

  Linus’s face twisted in confusion. I feel funny. Loos, something’s wrong. He touched his stomach, and then rubbed his eyes. When he pulled his hands away, his eyes weren’t the identical shade of hazel as mine were. Linus stared at me with yellow eyes.

  I screamed, wanting to run away from him, but unable to leave my brother. “No!”

  Linus’s descent into rabidity was swift, and took me to the Loony Bin five years ahead of schedule. My other half lunged at me, jaws snapping like a vicious shark. He ripped my heart-shaped necklace off me, and I screamed.

  I couldn’t fight him off. I could never hurt Linus or run from him when he was surly. Instead I curled myself into a ball and sobbed as he tore at me, removing bits of my flesh so he could eat it by the fistful.

  Linus was hungry. I wanted to give him whatever he needed, but the searing pain of having layer after layer of skin ripped away was more than I could handle. He gurgled and growled as he grabbed for more of my skin.

  “I can’t! I can’t!” I howled.

  He was yanked from me by Jamie, who put Linus in a calm chokehold. “Lucy, it’s not real, sweetheart.”

  “Don’t hurt him!” I sobbed. My chest felt tight, and underneath the fear I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack. “I need him! I can’t do this! Linus, I can’t do this!”

  There was a weight on my chest, and like water being let out of a bath tub, I was sucked out of the nightmare and dumped back into Undraland. “Shh, honey, it’s okay. Wake up, Loos. Wake up!”

  “I can’t do this!” I shouted as I came out of my dream, my face wet with tears. “Linus? Linus? No!” My breath came to me in shallow puffs, and my fingers felt fuzzy as they grabbed for my necklace, holding the heart as I trembled and convulsed. “My… and he… Linus!”

  Jamie sat up and ambled over to where Jens was holding me near the fire. I’d woken everyone up, but only Jamie knew the depths of my broken psyche. “It’s okay, Lucy. It wasn’t real.”

  “It’s your curse!” Foss accused Jamie. “It’s been transferred to her!”

  “Then we’ll handle it!” Jamie spat back as Charles brought a well of water in his palm to my lips, forcing me to drink.

  “Linus was… and then he was… And he died!” I sobbed into Jens’s chest, the panic still gripping me as I replayed Linus’s attack in my mind. “I can’t do this,” I repeated. “I just can’t!”

  “I miss him, too,” Jens whispered, emotion swelling in his face.

  Jens and Jamie did their best, but there was no comfort for me. I stayed awake the rest of the night, terrified of going back to the place where my brother had been a monster, and once again, I’d failed to save him.

  Twenty-Seven.

  No More Romantic Notions

  When the sun rose over the horizon, I did not feel the warmth. As it passed overhead and dipped in the west, I did not bother with the beauty of nature or the conversations that chirped around me. Everyone had something to say about the upcoming bout Alrik was expected to have with the portal, but I remained silent.

  “You’re quiet today,” Alrik observed, walking next
to me as if we were out for an evening stroll in the park.

  I shrugged in response, not really wanting a rundown of what he thought about Thomas Jefferson’s demise at my hands, or the night terror everyone had heard the bulk of. The others walked ahead, either sensing my need for space or allowing their growing fear of the monster I was becoming to drive their quickened pace.

  Alrik stroked his gray beard. “I don’t know the state of Elvage. They must know of the other portals falling, and I imagine they have taken measure to counter any attacks they fear coming. The only way I will be able to get close to it is to pretend I’m ready to enter Be. It’s a whole process, and I want you to be part of it.”

  I kept my mouth shut, but raged inside. I could not have been clearer when I told them I was out.

  “You’ll dress in the clothing of my people and send me off as if I was going away for a very long trip. Sad, but with the promise of reuniting when you yourself cross over to Be.” He cleared his throat, put off by my silence. “One of the Toms, I can only assume Jens, will be carrying the rake using their invisibility. Once the guard is down and the portal clear, I’ll take it from him and tear down the bones of my ancestors as quick as I can.” He pointed to a blue flower that was nice to look at, but continued talking business while I fumed. “I am old, my dear. If one of the guards should interrupt me, Charles is part elf and my relation, so he is fit to finish the job. Jens will vanish him unless it’s necessary for him to take over in my stead. It is my wish that you distance yourself from me if I am captured. Scream, cry and curse my name. I do not wish you imprisoned and stuck here.”

  I shook my head, finally opening my mouth, angry not at him, but at myself that he thought me such a pushover. “I told you people, I’m out. I’m going home. I’m not staying to send you off or tear down the portal. You don’t need me for that. You didn’t need me for any of this.”

  His voice was quiet. “When you first came to Undraland, I placed my star on your forehead. Do you recall that?” He traced his thumb on my forehead, mimicking the action I’d seen him do on Charles to revive him. I felt heat between my eyebrows.

  “I remember.”

  “It made you my heir with Charles. So while you have your mother in your veins and your father, now you also have me.” He paused to sneak a glance at my expression that was closed off to him. “So if I fail and Charles fails, you can also destroy the portal in Elvage, since you’re my daughter. The bones that make up the portal in Elvage are my ancestors, and now they’re yours, too, thanks to the arv. You still belong to your parents, and can still destroy the human portal, but now you can destroy both the human and the Elvage one.”

  My teeth ground together as I chewed on several angry retorts. Of course it was strategy. Of course he wanted me to be part of his real family now that it served his grander purpose. In my imagination, I saw Linus rearing back and socking my uncle-adopted-father guy. I swallowed. “I didn’t ask you to adopt me. My parents are my parents. They kept me away from Undraland, and you adopted me just to bring me in? I’m your daughter now so I can destroy your portal?” I felt betrayed, and didn’t bother masking the feeling from him for diplomacy’s sake. “My dad would never let you do this. He was my dad because he loved me, not because I could be a tool to destroy something. If you wanted me because you loved me, you would’ve adopted me the day after I lost my parents, before there was anything in it for you.”

  Alrik nodded, having expected this to be my reaction. “I suppose if I assure you my love for you stretched long before talk of the portals became an issue, you wouldn’t want to hear that, would you?”

  “You suppose right.” I sighed, feeling heavy all over. “Look, thank you for adopting me. Really, it’s nice you…” I stopped. “I can’t do this. I’m still out. I won’t destroy your portal for you. And shame on you for using familial obligation to get me to do that. Actual shame, Alrik.”

  Alrik was quiet for a few moments as we walked over the spongy grass that backed up to the sand on the shore. The rainforest-like atmosphere was gorgeous, filled with lush colors and that freshly showered fragrance nature gets after a good storm. Though intellectually I could make these connections, emotionally I was detached. Too much had happened that took away my joy. I had no desire to pick flirty fights with Jens. I had little desire for anything except going home. Killing Thomas Jefferson so heartlessly absconded with my moxie, and somehow, I lost a part of myself in the transaction of our freedom for his life. Plus, I hadn’t slept well, and couldn’t shake the images of Linus.

  “You’re upset with me,” Alrik observed.

  “X marks the spot,” I agreed. “Would you trust you after all this? Good for you for getting the job done. Let’s leave it at that and go our separate ways. Adopt Foss or Jens. Then they can destroy the Elvage portal. Easy-peasy.”

  “I can’t leave it like this.” He shook his head while we walked, but I paid his concern no mind. It was too little far too late.

  “You should have cared this much about me before we went on the mission.”

  “I did, Goosy. I still do.”

  “Huh. I don’t believe you. You love me once a month, just like clockwork. I don’t blame you for it. This Pesta thing is a big deal, and it’s a good thing you’re doing, standing up to the evil. But let’s be real. I’m not the girl you tell bedtime stories to and sneak candy for anymore.” I kept my eyes on the path ahead. “It’s fine. I’m twenty. I’m just kinda done pretending that we owe each other more than the occasional monthly chat. You helped me move into a new place after my family died. I killed your Yeti. We’re square.”

  “It breaks my heart to hear you talk like that. I planned on being better for you after your parents died. I wanted to be there.”

  “It’s fine. I get it. I was clinging on to this romantic notion that you… But I understand now, and I’m done.”

  Jens fell back to walk with us. “I can see the gold dust up ahead. We’re almost to Elvage. Loos, we’ll pass by the portal on our way back to the gate to the Other Side. We’ll be invisible when we leave the forest, so you might want to say your goodbyes now.”

  “Done,” I answered succinctly. “See you, Alrik,” I said cheerlessly, leaning up on my toes to peck his bearded cheek. “Have a good one.” I did not permit a drawn-out goodbye, nor any additional emotion. It was my choice to leave and I did not regret it.

  Alrik called me to come back to him, but I already moved ahead and had my arms around Charles. I kissed Mace’s cheek and tried to echo the love I saw in his eyes.

  “Please don’t go yet,” my brother begged me. “Just wait for me. I… you’re making me choose.”

  I bit my lip, not having thought of Mace’s dilemma in all of it. “Oh. Um, I don’t want that. Obviously. I’m not ditching you. I just don’t belong here. Come see me when it’s all over.”

  His frown was etched into the hopeful face I’d grown accustomed to lighting up when we were together. “You can’t wait half an hour? Don’t fight with us. I understand if you don’t want to fight, but don’t leave me. Just stay with Jamie nearby.” His volume dropped. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me. I’m not ready to go over yet. I have to help Alrik do this. Just wait for me.”

  My shoulders drooped. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go back on my word. Of course I can wait. Just don’t ask me to help this time around. It’s Alrik’s thing. I’m out.”

  Mace’s face began to lighten with renewed hope that I was not our parents, and I would not abandon him in Undraland. He hugged me, and I felt awful I had not considered him in the equation. I had been selfish, like Alrik, and thought only of my mission. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into his chest. “I’m sorry. Of course I’ll wait for you. I wasn’t thinking clearly. That… that Circhos really messed me up.”

  Charles kissed my forehead, his arms wrapped around me to keep me from leaving prematurely. “You were brilliant, little sister.”

  Jens cleared his throat to break up our embrace
. He was so weird about Charles. Jens snatched up my hand as we walked, and as he stepped out of the forest and across the border of Elvage, we disappeared.

  Twenty-Eight.

  Could Have Been

  Alrik was filling out paperwork, which apparently, the elves insisted upon when crossing over into Be. Invisible Charles and Jens went with him, while the rest of us waited in our shared invisibility a safe distance from the portal.

  The gold dust in the morning air was mesmerizing, despite the fact that I was still despondent about Thomas Jefferson. The green of Elvage was almost overpowering. While it had rained here, their land was higher above sea level, so nothing flooded too badly.

  Jamie and Britta chatted animatedly about the Other Side, and the adventures they were hoping to have there. Foss and I were silent unless pulled, for a moment, into the conversation.

  “I want to ride in a car,” Jamie admitted. “Jens says they’re bigger and faster than horses.”

  Britta grinned as if Jamie hung the moon. “I want clothes like Lucy’s. Just to try,” she amended quickly, as if the idea of a woman wearing jeans was a thing that should only be dabbled in. “Do you think they make them for women my size? I’m a far sight taller.”

  I nodded. “Yup. We’ll dress you up however you want to look. Jeans, t-shirt, whatever you like.”

  Britta wrapped her arm around me, unwilling to let my sour mood rot the grapes of her glee. “Good. Jens always had such amazing stories about your world. It seemed so scary at the time, but now? After all we’ve seen and been through? I should like to try a new adventure.”

  “I love you,” Jamie said, his fingers entwined through hers. “Can Britta and I get married in your world, liten syster?”

  I tried to join in their happiness, but I was still pretty down. “Of course. I’m not sure how we’ll get you paperwork to be legal citizens. Maybe Jens can figure that out. You can have a wedding and everything. Big white dress, giant cake, the chicken dance – the whole nine yards. Whatever you want, guys.”