When We Were 8

by catt dahman

  Samantha’s father, Carl Werner used the get-away to teach the Bible and had them play board games that forced them to strategize and plan ahead, and at those, they excelled. He was pleased when all of Samantha’s new friends began to attend his church. He found they loved hearing Bible stories around the fire, and he sneaked in a few spooky stories and quite a bit of historical events that he told in grand, dramatic ways. They always asked intelligent, thought-provoking questions. Samantha’s mother, Sarah, was the sweetest person anyone knew, and she taught them how to bake cookies and other treats.

  Jill’s father and mother used the time to relax, and except for applying band aids to cuts and somewhat enforcing a reasonable bedtime, they let the girls do as they wished without interfering. They thought it best to let the girls discover ways to entertain themselves. They told the girls to explore and learn and share all they had discovered.

  Meg’s father was the outdoorsman and taught the girls how to use flint, to use the expensive archery sets, and to fish. He made them learn all about the woods, the flora and fauna, and he frequently tested them.

  Whitney’s parents only chaperoned once, finding the group far more trouble and mischievous than their nerves could stand, and shortly after Whitney was in sixth grade, her parents divorced. While her sister went to live with Mom, Whitney stayed in town to live with her dad and her dad’s brother.

  Cassie’s hard working mother was never able to chaperone, and Angel’s parents declined when asked a few times. Those were the same girls that never invited the other girls over for sleepovers, but no one asked many questions. Cassie’s mom was simply too busy, and it would have left the girls alone with Cassie’s older brothers which wasn’t ideal. As for Angel’s parents, it was rumored that her father drank often and that no one ever saw her mother or little sister often.

  Nelwynn gave Meg a few concerned glances but didn’t voice her concerns; Rex Wisdom was a prime asshole who frequently teased and bullied her; she adjusted her glasses and tightened her lips as she looked at Angel. Her mom was raising her alone, and she was too busy to chaperone either. Nelwynn wasn’t allowed friends at the house, and her mother didn’t chaperone. Nelwynn didn’t like the boy but wondered if, since her mom talked so badly about men for so long, that that could be coloring her view. Her mom seemed to hate men now.

  Over the years, Angel had lost some of her weight, and while she was still a little plump, she had curves and a mature body that some boys noticed. She reveled in her friendships and was always loud and vocal, but she avoided boys because she still saw herself as the fat little girl who was always teased. There were only two males she sought approval from, and both were too old to realize it or too cruel. She did love theatre class and choir and wanted to be in speech and debate when she was older.

  She ate her vegetables thoughtfully and a frown creased her brow. “I don’t know….”

  Nelwynn and Samantha both noticed something was bothering Angel and meant to corner her, but there was a history test after lunch. Whitney broke the five-minute mile and was all the talk up and down the halls in their classes as everyone congratulated her and asked what was next, making her smile.

  That night was the junior varsity basketball game that preoccupied some of them. Tiffany and Samantha cheered, Meg was in the band, Jill was in the pep squad, and it was an exciting game, especially when the band showed off a fresh routine.

  As always on Friday morning, the girls gathered at a huge oak. Some still yawned from the long night before and not enough sleep. First they ooohed and ahhhed over Tiffany’s periwinkle-colored outfit worn with matching, darker shoes and a belt, and then they praised Cassie’s smart looking jeans, pink polo, and creamy-colored sweater wrapped about her waist. That made her blush with pride. Her pink head- band gave her a girl-next-door look that was noted by several other girls who were determined to try the style the next week.

  Next, Jill showed off her newest artistic creation that was very well done and showed a lot of talent. It was of the cabin, surrounded by woods, but with a slightly sinister cast. Cassie had to show off her drawing as well, and it was of an old truck, detailed beautifully. Lastly, they all turned to Meg.

  “So? Tell us everything,” Jill demanded.

  Meg sulked and kicked at a rock and said, “I went with him after I sneaked out. We went for a ride, and we went to the park.”

  “The park? You didn’t!” Cassie almost yelled.

  “I didn’t. He tried, and I stopped him, and he took me home. Let’s say he was really pissed off at me and called me a bitch before taking off. He was so mad I was afraid he’d leave me at the park anyway.” Meg gulped. “Boys and men, all unreliable and tricky.”

  “Not all,” Cassie said.

  Meg shrugged.

  Jill bit her lip. She wasn’t going to remind Meg that they had warned her. “At least you didn’t let him…yanno.”

  Tiffany nodded and said, “Exactly. If you intend to do it, make sure it’s with someone decent.” She was the only one who had given up her virginity and had sex only three times before she and the senior quarterback broke up. She was the expert about sex. “You shouldn’t rush it.”

  Tiffany hadn’t liked that the quarterback, but once they had sex, she was his property and demanded she spend every free second with him; it smothered her. Besides, she told the other girls that the responsibility was too great and she wasn’t ready for that.

  “I won’t rush anything, and there won’t be a next time. I learned a lesson when he got too pushy.”

  “Where is Angel?” Nelwynn asked.

  “I don’t know. She’s always here before I am,” Jill said. She looked around and didn’t see their friend.

  Angel didn’t come to school late; she never showed up. The girls concluded that maybe she had gotten sick and wasn’t able to call any of them. Although they missed her, they were excited because Jill’s father and Uncle Mike were taking them to the cabin right after school. Even if Angel were dying, she’d never miss going to the cabin because this was the last trip before the school year ended and summer at the cabin began.

  Jill’s father, Bill Havilland, drove four of the girls, including Jill, Meg, and Samantha, and they drove over to pick up Angel.

  At once, all three girls knew something was very wrong even if Angel smiled thinly and claimed she hadn’t felt well earlier for school but was fine now. She was dressed in old sweat pants and a sweatshirt, despite the warm weather. Her face was pale and tear stained, and her jaw looked bruised even if Angel denied it. She didn’t laugh or joke. She was silent the entire thirty- minute drive.

  Jill chewed at her lip, vexed.

  As soon as they arrived and while the girls helped open the cabin, airing it out, sweeping, uncovering outdoor furniture, and carrying in boxes of food, Jill took Angel’s arm and pulled her to a copse of trees where a fallen log made a perfect place to sit. It was where they went to talk about the most serious topics, and Jill instinctively knew something grim was going on with Angel.

  “Spill it. I want to know what’s wrong, and you know you can tell me anything,” Jill said.

  She expected an argument or hesitation, but to her surprise, Angel burst into tears. Jill hugged her and waited, wondering what could be wrong. The story that followed was the second most significant beginning to the chains of events that would also affect the girls for the rest of their lives.

  Chapter 4

  Jill knew parts of the story because Meg had told her the details. Meg sneaked out at ten o’clock and rode behind Rex Wisdom on his motorcycle for five minutes, and they stopped at the park where Rex led her to a table and benches.

  For a while, they kissed, and when he tried to reach beneath Meg’s shirt, she felt uncomfortable and stopped him. He tried a few more times and grew angry when Meg refused to allow him to go any farther. She wasn’t ready and certainly not ready with him; she made that clear with a direct order to stop trying to touch her there.

  He called her nam
es, said she was a tease, called her a bitch, and although he was livid, he took her home. Jill knew that part.

  Angel had to fill in the rest of the story, based on the small talk she shared with Rex. After he dropped Meg at home, he went over to an older friend’s house and drank some whiskey and cola as he waited for his next attempt at a conquest.

  Rex was a bad boy at heart, enjoyed drinking, and always had a back-up plan, Jill guessed.

  At midnight as planned, he drove to another street and waited. Had Meg given in, his plan would have been rushed and he would have had to take what he wanted and dump her fast; maybe everything was working out for the best. Rex figured that he had to work with what was easiest. Or who was easiest.

  Angel slipped through the shadows and greeted him with a big smile. She was nervous and scared and hadn’t dared to tell her best friends that she, too, had a date with Rex Wisdom. She was determined finally to kiss a boy, something she felt was important and that would boost her pride.

  She had wondered for a long time, even years, why she was never liked best and felt it was all because she was too fat for males to become attracted to her. She didn’t know why else boys avoided her, but it hurt. Even if she didn’t like a boy, it would be wonderful for him to smile her way and show interest.

  Angel was a little heavier than the girls Rex preferred, but then, he was aware that mostly he only managed to date the poor, skinny girls who thought he was cute. Only one refused him, and that, Rex had told Angel, was Cassie. She was the one poor girl with no self-esteem who ignored him. He called Cassie a bitch.

  Rex had a bottle with him, and he mixed some rum and cola. He said he had some while he waited on her and berated Meg for being a chicken-shit, making Angel flinch. While she wanted a kiss, the conversation made her feel strange and uncomfortable.

  Angel tried the drink and made a face as she took the first few sips, but Rex encouraged her to try more. After a few swallows, it wasn’t as nasty as before, and Angel felt more relaxed. She loved the feeling the alcohol gave her. She listened to Rex as he said bad things about Cassie and Meg, making Angel’s stomach tighten again, and she thought about leaving. As she sipped the drink, she became so relaxed that she could hardly feel parts of her body. She barely felt her fingers and toes.

  The numbness frightened her more than the fact that Rex was pushing her to the ground where he said would be more comfortable; he brought an old blanket that smelled of a wet dog, mothballs, and cigarettes. He started to grope her, which she disliked, and they kissed. She wasn’t impressed with the forceful way he smashed his mouth against hers.

  When he shoved a hand under her shirt, she tried to make him stop. He kept going and unbuttoned her jeans as he held her down with his weight, and she knew she couldn’t push him away; she asked him to stop.

  She ordered him to quit.

  Finally, she begged him, but her words didn’t stop him. He yanked down her jeans, leaving her sneakers on her feet, something terribly insulting and primal, and lay atop her, despite that she was crying. Luckily, although she almost screamed with the pain, the act was over very fast. She ached and burned below her waist, and she felt blood and saw it in the moonlight when she reached down to see how badly she might be hurt.

  He talked casually to her, not as a lover or someone who had taken advantage of her and raped her, but about unimportant topics, as if they had passed on the street. Angel cried and told him she was going to tell people what he did. She redressed hurriedly while her hands shook violently.

  “Had Meg been friendlier, I might have never picked you up and still been with her. You were second choice, anyway, ” Rex said as he smoked a cigarette and casually told her.

  “I wish I wasn’t here, and you’re gonna be sorry, asshole.”

  Before she could think, he was on her again, and she thought that if he raped her again, it would hurt so much she might die. His hands gripped her jaw in a fist, and he squeezed. “If you tell anyone, bitch, I’ll kill you. I don’t go for people knowing my shit,” he said as he glared. “I could kill you, yanno.”

  If she thought he was dull or didn’t understand what he did, his actions dispelled the notion. He knew what he did and expected her to keep quiet. As her jaw ached, she watched his bright, shining eyes and saw that Rex wasn’t a misunderstood rebel, but an evil, cold-hearted person. He might very well kill her. He said, “I could snap your fat neck.”

  She knew he could.

  Choking off her tears, she plastered a fake smile on her face and shrugged. “I was being goofy and teasing, playing with you. I wanted to do it anyway. With you.”

  “You sure?” He spit as he talked, but she didn’t move since he still held her jaw tightly. She felt the warm droplets splatter her skin.

  “Sure I’m sure. I was just acting like I was scared and ashamed so you wouldn’t think I was a slut. I loved it,” she said, wondering if she were about to vomit on her own false words. For all she knew, he was going to kill her and bury her out here, and no one would even know or find her bones. Had he killed anyone before? Was he that crazy? She wasn’t taking a chance.

  “Okay. So we’ll get together again, right?” He let her go but watched her closely for signs she might be lying.

  “I hope so,” Angel said as she forced herself to flip her hair and act as if she were happy. She looked at him with what she hoped was longing. “I really loved it, so much,” and she said it so strongly, so sincerely, that in a way she almost believed herself.

  “It’s like I did you a favor…you being so fat and all.”

  “I know, Rex,” she said as she let her eyes drop as if thankful but was glad not to see his ugly face.

  “You remember that.”

  “I will. Forever,” she cooed, sick and disgusted. She wished she could stab him in his wicked eyes.

  He drove to the street close to her house, and she forced herself to hug him, promising herself that it was almost over and that puking on his boots would be deadly. “I’ll see you soon, Rex. I had fun.”

  “All the girls say that. I’m just good, ain’t I?”

  “Umm. Yes. The best.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  In her house, she sprinted up the stairs, despite the pain, and she vomited until she was empty and weak. Next, she drew a bath so hot that water burned her skin, but she still scrubbed herself over and over with a washcloth and a bar of soap, and she shampooed and rinsed her hair three times. She added more scalding water and bubble bath to take away the stench of Rex. Only then, when she was really clean did she stop wishing to claw her own flesh off her bones.

  She yanked on her nightgown and panties and slipped a menstrual pad into her panties in case she bled.

  Next, she brushed her teeth, gums, and tongue until it felt as if she had used sandpaper in her mouth. She spat out bloody saliva and went down to the kitchen for a giant glass of iced tea. Her mother heard all the noise and sleepily appeared to ask if Angel were sick.

  “My stomach. If it’s okay, I’ll stay home tomorrow and sleep? I feel better but kind of weak.”

  “What about the cabin?”

  “Can I still go? I mean if I feel better?”

  Angel’s mother nodded. Angel hadn’t missed school since second grade except for a bout of the flu, one of a stomach bug, and twice for bad colds, and she had fought those missed days. Angel loved school, and if she were feeling badly enough to miss classes and her friends, then she was really not feeling well.

  Her mother took Angel to her bedroom, tucked her into bed, added an extra quilt, and checked her a few times for fever, the back of her cool hand against Angel’s forehead. She felt no fever but a bit of warmth and sweat that Angel said was from the hot bath. Her mother told her to drink all the iced tea if she could.

  “I promise.”

  “Your jaw…is that a bruise?”

  Angel’s hands flew to her jawline, and panic crept over her until she realized she had a perfect excuse. “I was sick and had my neck right
against the toilet bowl, Mom. I must have barfed hard if there’s a bruise. Wow. That’s nasty.”

  “If you feel that sick again, wake me. Bruising is serious, honey. Don’t get around your little sister because if she caught this, she’d make a huge deal of it and think she was dying. Dad, too. He whines like men do.”

  Angel nodded.

  When she was alone, sleep was a long time in coming. Finally, she fell into a deep sleep about two hours before the sun rose and slept until early afternoon. She was worn out.

  When she got up, it was lucky for Angel that her parents were at work because she spent a few hours crying and showering again but managed to pull herself together when the other girls came to pick her up to go to the cabin.

  To Jill she said, “That’s the truth and what happened. I hate him. I don’t like myself much either right now,” Angel sobbed. “Look who I am…so dumb, foolish, and ugly. Why did he do that? Never again, I’ll never let a man get power over me. Hell, they can beg for me, and I’ll laugh, but I never want to go through that again. Nope.”

  “Never?”

  Angel shook her head and said, “Never. Ever. I’d kill myself or a boy who tried.”

  Chapter 5

  Jill’s mouth opened, but no words followed, so she closed her mouth again. She had questions and didn’t know where to begin.

  “I’m stupid,” Angel said.

  Jill stared at Angel and replied, “You are not. He raped you. He should be shot or worse. Listen, Angel, we have to tell the others. We have to. Neither of us can hold this in. They need to know. They will want to know and support you.”

  “Will they laugh at me?”

  Years later, Jill would remember Angel’s sweet, innocent face and how she had asked that of Jill. Of course, the wickedness that was naturally found in the world was already beginning to tear away Angel’s purity.