As Time Goes By

by Annie Groves

  ‘We’re going to be late for breakfast,’ she warned Hazel, glad of an excuse not to discuss Johnny any more. She felt disloyal doing so, and she felt unhappy as well, as though admitting her worries changed them from something vague to something far more important.

  ‘Hang on a minute.’ Hazel stopped her, putting her hand on Sam’s arm. ‘I know how much you love Johnny, Sam, but what do you know about him really? You’re so young and … and inexperienced … and well …’

  ‘I’m old enough to know how I feel.’

  ‘Yes, but can you honestly say that you’re experienced enough to know how Johnny feels Sam? He may tell you he loves you, but those are just words. Anyone can say them and sound as though they mean them. Remember what they say about actions speaking louder than words. Do Johnny’s actions say that he loves you? And I don’t mean the kind of actions that go with kissing you senseless either,’ Hazel warned her, mock sternly. ‘Not wanting you to meet his sister isn’t the action of a man who loves you, Sam, and I think you know that yourself.’

  Sam shivered but the icy cold feeling that was gripping her had nothing to do with the cold wind. Was Hazel right? Was there something that Johnny was keeping from her?

  ‘The best thing you can do is talk to him, Sam. Ask him to tell you why he doesn’t want you to meet his sister. There’ll be an explanation if he hasn’t got anything to hide, and I can’t think of any reason why he shouldn’t tell you what it is.’

  ‘But you don’t think there is an explanation, do you?’ Sam challenged her miserably.

  Hazel sighed, her exhaled breath making a white puff of vapour on the cold air. ‘You know so little about him, Sam, and he seems very reluctant to tell you anything. That can’t be a good thing, can it? When two people fall in love it’s natural and normal for them to want to know everything about one another. He’s old enough to know that.’

  ‘He said when … well, he told me when he first said that he loved me that he wished he didn’t and that he’d tried not to. Maybe he doesn’t want to introduce me to his sister because he’s not really sure whether he loves me or not,’ Sam told Hazel miserably.

  ‘You need to talk to him, Sam,’ Hazel told her again adding gently, ‘Come on. We’d better go and get our breakfast, before they send a search party to look for us.’

  Normally Sam had a good appetite but this morning she just didn’t want to eat anything. Her insides were churning with misery. She felt so confused. Being in love shouldn’t be like this. She had been so happy at first, but now she was filled with doubt. Why didn’t Johnny want her to meet his sister? Was Hazel right? Was he hiding something from her? She didn’t expect him not to have had girlfriends – she wasn’t silly. Perhaps she should tell him that. Maybe he was worrying that she might be upset to hear he had enjoyed the company of other girls before he had met her and that was why he was reluctant for her to meet his sister.

  Her spirits started to lift. She dipped her spoon into her now congealing porridge. Yes, that was probably what it was. Poor Johnny.

  Sally refused to look directly at the doctor as she took his breakfast into the dining room.

  ‘Would you like me to pour your tea, Doctor?’ she asked him woodenly as he sat down, holding the newspaper that had just been delivered.

  ‘Yes, please.’ His voice was as curt as her own as he opened the paper, but as Sally poured the tea, his expression changed, a broad smile talking the place of his frown.

  ‘Sally … Mrs Walker … there’s excellent news here from the Prime Minister, with a report of a speech he made at the Mansion House last night.’

  Immediately Sally forgot her own hostility, sharing in his excitement as she leaned forward, trying to catch a glimpse of what it was he had been reading. Good news was something they all desperately needed and their shared eagerness for it transcended everything else.

  ‘Well, things do seem to have been on the up,’ she acknowledged, ‘what with us having that victory at El Alamein, and then Malta being relieved.’

  ‘Yes, and don’t forget the success of the recent Allied landings in North Africa, and the fact that it looks as though the Russians shall win through. Here, let me read this to you. This is what Mr Churchill said at the Mansion House. “This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”’

  Sally heard the emotion in the doctor’s voice, and felt her own throat start to close up with the same feeling.

  They looked at one another, separated by only a few inches as Sally had moved closer to the doctor to stand at his shoulder whilst he read the newspaper article to her, united in their shared pride in their fighting men, their country and their Prime Minister.

  Neither of them moved. Sally could see the rise and fall of the doctor’s chest as he breathed. Such a strong, dependable man. A man that any woman could easily be tempted to lean on. His sleeve brushed against her own and yet she could have sworn that neither of them had moved. Her heart had started to beat faster. She wanted to move away from him, indeed she knew she must, but somehow she felt too weak to do so.

  ‘Oh.’ Sally put her hand to her chest, suddenly feeling slightly breathless and dizzy. And not just because of the good news she had just heard, she admitted. The fact that she must have inadvertently moved so close to the doctor had at least something to do with her agitation and dizziness.

  ‘Sit down, Sally,’ the doctor told her gently, reaching past her to draw out a chair. ‘Even good news can leave a person feeling shocked.’

  Thankfully Sally seized on the excuse he had unwittingly given her. ‘Yes, it did give me a bit of a shock. It’s almost like a miracle, isn’t it? Like it’s too good to be true? We’ve been at war for such a long time that I can’t believe, even though the Prime Minister’s said … well, at least that’s the way it seems,’ she told him shakily. ‘There’ve been so many terrible setbacks, especially with losing Hong Kong and Singapore.’ She blinked back the tears that just saying the names of those places brought. ‘So many good men lost and so much hardship for them and for everyone here at home. There’s some I’ve heard saying that they don’t know how they’re going to get through another winter of rationing, they feel that worn down and worried, but now … I can hardly believe it …’

  ‘The Prime Minister has a way of reaching our hearts and putting new strength into us,’ the doctor agreed. ‘This news can’t bring back those who are gone, it won’t bring an end to rationing or hardship, but it does give us something very precious indeed: it gives us hope, and that’s something every human being needs. Without it …’ he paused and shook his head, and in the sudden glint of emotion she could see in his eyes Sally’s heart turned over and she wondered if perhaps he was thinking about his wife and his sons, just as she was thinking about Ronnie.

  Instinctively she wanted to reach out to him, just as she would have done to Doris or Molly, or even Frank, a small touch that said she understood and felt the same way, but even as she began to do so a stronger need to protect herself stopped her, and made her step back from him, ignoring the sense she had that he was waiting for her to say something.

  The silence between them now felt awkward and uncomfortable.

  It was Dr Ross who broke it to say, ‘You know there really isn’t any need to go to all this trouble in the morning. I would be quite happy to have my breakfast with you and the boys. You’ve got more than enough to do as it is, without having to serve my breakfast in here.’

  Eat with them, and have her on edge all the time because of what she was feeling? Sally certainly didn’t want that.

  ‘I should be doing twice what I am for what you pay me,’ she told him. She could feel him looking at her but she refused to meet that look.

  Their brief shared moment of equality and intimacy was over, and so it should be, she told herself firmly.

  TWENTY-THREE

  ‘Huh, well, look who it isn’t. We were just talking about you.’

  Sam’s
heart sank as she and Hazel walked into the dormitory to find Lynsey sitting on her bed, along with a couple of the other girls. Lynsey had been on leave and Sam had known that she was due back today. Sam was not really surprised to be told that she had been the subject of Lynsey’s conversation. She had known that sooner or later Lynsey was bound to tackle her about Johnny because Lynsey was that kind of girl.

  At least now she was feeling a lot happier about her and Johnny than she had felt first thing this morning, Sam acknowledged, as she braced herself for the scene she suspected was to come. She and Johnny had managed to sneak a few precious minutes alone together at the barracks earlier in the day, whilst she had been waiting for the major, and Johnny had been so tender and loving towards her that she had wondered what on earth she had been worrying about. What did it matter if he didn’t want her to meet his sister? He loved her. He had told her so when he held her in his arms and not just once either, but over and over again in between his kisses. Those kisses! A dreamy smile of blissful happiness curled her mouth.

  ‘Still seeing Johnny Everton, are you?’ Lynsey challenged her.

  Sam had known that it wouldn’t be long before Lynsey got to hear about her and Johnny. Personally she would far rather they had had this conversation in private, but it was Lynsey who had chosen to challenge her in public and she wasn’t going to back down.

  ‘Yes. Yes, I am,’ Sam confirmed. ‘Look, Lynsey—’ Even though Lynsey had been running after Johnny without him giving her any encouragement, Sam didn’t like to think of her being hurt, especially now that she knew what it was like to love someone, but before she could say so, Lynsey cut her off, turning to look knowingly at the two girls still sitting on her bed.

  ‘Well, more fool you. Pity you didn’t think to say anything before you went and got yourself involved with him,’ cos if you had I could have given you a few words to the wise about him. I just hope you haven’t gone and done something you shouldn’t have done, Sam – besides making a bit of a fool of yourself, I mean. It’s like I was saying to Cal – that’s my new chap, by the way, he’s a GI – you learn to get to know the signs that tell you when a chap’s trying to lead you up the garden path. Still I suppose it’s too late to warn you now. It’s like I was just saying to Babs and Lizzie here, I feel ever so sorry for you, Sam. I really do,’ cos it sounds like you’ve really been taken in. Of course I’d guessed that something wasn’t right even before I’d been told all about him. That’s why I dropped him.’

  Sam was too taken aback to say anything. She’d been expecting Lynsey to be furiously angry and resentful, and yet here she was, all smiles and full of triumph, and talking as though she pitied Sam and knew something about Johnny that Sam did not.

  Sam looked helplessly at Hazel, not knowing what to say. She could see from Hazel’s expression that she had taken Lynsey’s comments seriously because she was frowning.

  ‘If you know something about Johnny that Sam ought to know, Lynsey, then you should tell her,’ Hazel announced firmly.

  ‘Well, since you put it that way, I suppose that I should,’ Lynsey agreed, ‘especially seeing as I heard it from his own sister.’

  Sam’s heart gave an unpleasant jump and thudded into her chest wall. The discovery that Lynsey knew Johnny’s sister caused her stomach to churn and make her feel slightly sick with a mixture of shock and anxiety.

  ‘You know his sister?’ Hazel demanded, asking the question that Sam somehow could not.

  ‘Yes,’ Lynsey smirked. ‘It just so happens that I do. Got introduced to her through a friend of a friend of her hubby’s. Jennifer, her name is.’

  Sam’s heart was thudding even more painfully now.

  ‘She filled me in about him. I don’t know what he’s told you, Sam, but if he’s tried to fool you that he’s fallen in love with you, he’s lying. I know for a fact that he doesn’t love you and he never will, and I’ll tell you why he doesn’t love you. It’s because he’s in love with someone else.’

  ‘No, that’s not true,’ Sam protested, finding her voice.

  ‘Yes it is,’ Lynsey corrected her. ‘His sister told me all about it. It seems that there was a girl he was crazy about. Engaged and everything, they were, him and this Molly, and then she goes and drops him for someone else. His sister told me that it broke his heart. Then when this chap she dropped him for got killed when his ship was torpedoed, and he thinks that the two of them can get back together, she tells him that she’s going to marry her dead sister’s husband so that she could look after her sister’s kiddie. Johnny’s sister reckons he’d be back with her like a shot if she gave him half a chance. Oh, and you’ll never guess who this Molly’s husband is,’ Lynsey continued gleefully. ‘It’s only that Sergeant Brookes you were working with down at the barracks. Talk about it being a small world. Mad about this Molly, Johnny was, and still is, according to his sister. She reckons he always will be. Of course, him being a man he still has his needs, if you know what I mean, and if some girl is daft enough to let him have what she shouldn’t off the back of him making out that he loves her when he doesn’t, well then, of course he’s not going to tell her the truth, is he? Stands to reason that he won’t.’

  Sam could feel a painful burning sensation in the region of her heart. Tears were threatening to blur her view of Lynsey. She tried hard to swallow against the lump of misery in her throat and found that she couldn’t.

  It was left to Hazel to ask Lynsey sternly, ‘Are you sure about all of this, Lynsey, because if you aren’t—’

  ‘Of course I’m sure. After all, I heard it from his own sister. Not that she had any idea that he’d been trying it on with me before I got wise to him, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell her after what I’d just learned. You look ever so pale and sickly, Sam,’ she added with a too-sweet smile of concern. ‘Still, it’s best that you know the truth about him, isn’t it? I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you and then you went and did something you shouldn’t.

  ‘Oh, is that the time?’ Lynsey exclaimed, looking pointedly at her watch. ‘My Cal will be round here thinking he’s been stood up if I don’t get a move on. He’s taking me out to the pictures and then a bit of supper.’

  ‘Come and sit down for a few minutes, Sam.’

  Hazel’s hand was on her arm, holding her gently as she guided her over to her bed. Sam was distantly aware that Lynsey had disappeared and the other girls were all tactfully pretending to be very busy.

  ‘It can’t be true,’ she told Hazel shakily. She could feel the hard frame of the side of the bed behind her knees as Hazel pushed her down to sit on it.

  ‘I don’t think that Lynsey could make up something like that, Sam, not when she’s said she heard it all from Johnny’s sister.’

  ‘So you think it is true then?’

  ‘You said yourself that he didn’t want you to meet his sister.’

  ‘Perhaps he just didn’t want me to … to feel hurt because … because he’d been engaged to someone else before he met me.’

  Sam knew that she was clutching at straws but she just couldn’t bear to accept that Johnny did not love her.

  ‘Oh, Sam.’ Hazel sat down on the bed next to her and took hold of her hands in her own. ‘I am so very sorry that you are being hurt like this, but you must be brave and strong. You must insist that he tells you the truth. Any decent man who genuinely loved a girl would want to be honest with her about his past. You do see, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Sam admitted miserably.

  Johnny, her Johnny, loved Sergeant Brookes’s wife. Sam remembered how determined Johnny had been to make sure that she knew that Sergeant Brookes was married. To protect the woman he loved? For the second time that day Sam felt as though her heart was breaking.

  Johnny. Why couldn’t he have told her about being engaged to Molly Brookes? Why couldn’t he have said that he had loved someone before her, but that she and that love were in the past now and she was the one who mattered; the one who had his love?
If he had, then everything would have been all right. But he hadn’t.

  ‘I won’t come down for supper tonight, Hazel. I’ve … I’ve got a bit of a headache.’ She couldn’t bring herself to look at Hazel, knowing that they both knew that she was fibbing, and to her relief Hazel didn’t try to press her to change her mind, simply nodding and standing up.

  Sam had to wait until all the other girls had gone down for supper and the dorm was empty before she could give in to her tears, crying until her pillow was wet with them and her throat raw from the effort of trying to suppress her brokenhearted sobs.

  ‘Well, if it isn’t the doctor’s new receptionist.’

  Sally could see the looks the other women in the queue outside the grocer’s were giving her when they heard Daisy’s sneering greeting and the way she had emphasised the word ‘receptionist’.

  ‘Got your feet well and truly under the table there, haven’t you? But there’s no point you thinking you can get away with giving yourself fancy airs and graces round here where there’s folk wot knows you.’

  ‘I was as surprised as anyone else when Dr Ross offered me the job as his housekeeper and said that he’d want me answering the door to folk as well,’ Sally responded, deliberately playing down the ‘receptionist’ part of her duties. No matter how much Daisy’s words annoyed her, there was no point lowering herself to Daisy’s level by arguing with her or getting Daisy’s back up even more than it already was. After all, she now had her position to think of.

  ‘Oh, surprised, was you? Come off it, jobs like that don’t grow on trees. I bet Doris Brookes had been angling for it for you for ages. Mind you, at least she’s done the rest of us a bit of a favour as well. Wi’ you gone from the Close we haven’t got that chap who used to come knocking on your door of a dark night hanging around no more.’

  Sally’s face burned with angry pride. She could see a couple of women in the queue exchanging whispers, their hands close to their mouths. It infuriated her that she had to let Daisy get away with implying that she had been entertaining another man in her husband’s absence, but there was no way she was going to betray Ronnie’s indebtedness now that he was dead. It would be a rotten thing to do to him and to his memory, and he deserved better than that.