It's Not You, It's Me

by Camilla Sacre-Dallerup

  I have seen many clients frustrated and being so hard on themselves because a situation or relationship has not worked out the way they had envisaged; it hasn’t lived up to their needs or expectations. Often the frustration and sadness is tied to what they think they “should” be doing by a specific time in their lives or what they think a situation “should” look like, comparing themselves to their peers. It could be that they are grieving a break-up or the dream of being married before they reach a certain age, or grieving the fact that their parents weren’t there for them or didn’t show love for them growing up – the fact that their family situation looked different to others they had seen. What we don’t want is to hold onto the grief or somehow allow it to block ourselves from moving forward when we are ready. If we don’t release these emotions and instead conceal them, they come out in all sort of ways, showing up in the way we react to others, mood swings or even health issues.

  There are many ways our dreams and relationships can materialize and sometimes it’s not exactly how we think it will look – but the new version of that dream can at times be more beautiful. One of my clients desperately wanted to have a child of her own. After doing round after round of IVF she felt depleted and upset and for a long time she didn’t want to accept that it might never happen. She had to accept her situation and grieve her dream of what she had longed for. She had never considered adoption and was not open to it, but once she accepted the situation fully she started to look at having a child on a more spiritual level, from a place of believing that the child she was supposed to love and raise could still happen if she adopted or had a surrogate. She accepted that she had to let go of the dream of becoming pregnant and giving birth to her own child and look forward to the prospect of creating a safe and loving home for an adopted child to blossom in, knowing that she would be creating a beautiful relationship with that child. For others in a similar situation, it might have been accepting not being able to have children and focusing on a career where they could be of service to children, that would give them an outlet for that maternal love and a sense of purpose, although in a different way.

  My clients sometimes want to focus on the time they have wasted in a relationship or in the “wrong” career, but I truly believe that nothing is ever wasted – we can always take away valuable lessons. The amount of time they spent in that relationship may have been the exact time they needed to truly learn lessons and gain valuable experience. When we feel hurt so deeply that it’s almost unbearable, it guides us to do some soul-searching and cracks us open – through the pain there is an opportunity to heal deep wounds that have been brought to the surface and which would otherwise lie dormant under the surface.

  Letting go of my dream

  When I left Strictly Come Dancing (known worldwide as Dancing With the Stars) in 2008 as a champion my dream was to carry on as a judge on the show, something I had wanted to do rather than be on the dance floor since the very first season. After doing six years on the show, I didn’t have it in me any longer to dance; my body was ready to retire, but I still enjoyed making TV and especially being part of such a special show, so it was with sadness in my heart when I finally announced I was leaving. When a position became available on the judging panel a while later and my agent put me forward, I was interviewed but the job went to someone else. I was livid and sad and it took me quite some time to accept that this simply wasn’t on the cards for me at that time in my life. Knowing what I know now I can see how not getting that job at the time actually helped me to make really important decisions in my life that I might not have made otherwise. That included a move to LA with my husband, starting over in a new country, becoming an author and running a coaching business I once only dreamt of. If I’d have become a judge I would have perhaps stayed in the UK, made different choices and the five-year magical adventure I have been on in the US may have never happened. That is difficult to imagine now, given what an amazing learning curve it has been, both personally and professionally, building my business and connecting to so many amazing people all around the world, being part of their journey; it makes my heart overflow with joy every day.

  I allowed myself to grieve that dream. I worked through the frustration, disappointment and rejection to accept it and to make peace with it and then refocus my attention on other areas of my life I felt passionate about. It took time and I did go through all the emotions and thoughts just like anyone else who has had to let go of a dream. However, as I completely detached from it, the universe brought it to me in a different way. In 2018 I was asked to be the Head Judge on Dancing With the Stars in New Zealand and I loved every minute of it, plus I approached the role from such a different place than I would have done back then, with a newfound awareness. So what I’m saying here is, although I had let it go, what’s meant for us will flow to us.

  “Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

  Steve Maraboli

  YOUR TOOLBOX: GRIEVING AN UNREALIZED DREAM

  This exercise is designed to allow you to grieve and accept an unrealized dream. Any suppressed sadness or frustration may come out as irritation when you are speaking to certain people or watching other people living out your dream. Use this exercise to make sure there isn’t any sadness or other emotion lingering.

  Take a moment to consider the questions and then write down the answers:

  • I’m sad that………………

  • I’m grieving that…………………never happened

  • I feel……………………that it turned out this way

  • It makes me feel……………having achieved that

  Voicing it helps you make peace with it and focus on all the stuff that has and can happen instead. Notice what the last word you wrote was. If it was, for example, “not enough”, “sad”, “angry”, “hurt”, you may want to spend some time healing that wound through meditation (see page 9) or mindfulness practice (see page 11). And consider what you are learning through allowing yourself to grieve this.

  • What am I learning through this grieving process?

  • What has happened or can happen as a result of my dream not coming to fruition?

  If you’re struggling to let go, take a look at the denial section opposite.

  Denial

  Sometimes when we are grieving something we so desperately wanted, there may be a certain amount of resistance to letting it go, or you may even be in complete denial, telling yourself it can still happen. Try to be completely honest with yourself here and ask yourself if there is still some resistance around the acceptance of the situation?

  I have seen this many times with my clients in their relationship break-ups. The other person has clearly moved on, but they are not ready to accept it yet. They might say things like, “They’ll come around”, “They still love me”, “We have so much history”. Or sometimes it might be a friendship that has run its course, but you still carry on just to be nice, which isn’t doing either of you any favours. Whenever we stay in a relationship that has actually run its course, whether friendships or love, we are actually not only blocking the opportunity for someone new to make their way into our life, but also blocking that space for someone new to come into the other person’s life. Ask yourself what you are denying that’s happening here and what you don’t want to acknowledge, see or hear?

  A mistake, not a failure

  Accepting mistakes and your shortcomings is important, but that does not make you a failure. Remember you can still be a good person just because you are not hitting the targets at work or because you messed up in some way. Every human is a work in progress and we are all constantly learning.

  In my 20s I rushed into relationships and in my 30s when I was eager to change careers I rushed into a new business idea and invested a handsome amount of money into it, although the idea of the business was interesting, I actually had no passion for it so needless to say it didn’t end
how I imagined. I pulled out of the deal and lost my money. I don’t consider it a mistake because I learnt some valuable lessons from this – do your research, make sure you are passionate about it and get to know the strengths and weaknesses of the people you are going into business with. It’s pointless having a working relationship with people who are all good at the same things; it’s the differences that will complement the partnership. It’s the exact things that may annoy you about someone that could be the one trait you are missing. If you are not particularly organized, for example, but your colleague is, that’s great; or if you are more laidback and your partner is more driven, you may support each other – your partner will help you get things done, while you might help them to relax.

  I remember sitting in a meditation class a long time ago when the teacher suggested that when we catch ourselves being harsh on ourselves, talking about our shortcomings we should say, “I love myself anyway”! I tell you what, if you try that for a whole week you are going to feel a whole new level of self-acceptance.

  Gratitude and being able to forgive ourselves are also super important in the process of self-acceptance.

  Self-esteem

  Self-esteem is what you believe about yourself – and having high self-esteem means having confidence in your own abilities, and valuing and respecting yourself. I think when we accept ourselves for who we truly are, even the things we at first consider as our shortcomings, we can start to focus on our abilities. I remember, whenever I felt defeated as a child, my mum would always say “Believe in yourself and trust yourself, honey. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on your own journey.” These are words I have repeated to myself in many challenging moments. When we are focusing on all the things we don’t like about ourselves, we aren’t allowing ourselves to see all the beauty and qualities we do have to share with the world. And often the one thing we think is holding us back is something that actually adds to the dimension of who we are.

  YOUR TOOLBOX: U-TURN YOUR THOUGHTS WITH GRATITUDE

  Accepting what we have to be grateful for is such a useful tool. When I first heard Tony Robbins talk about using gratitude to switch your mood and thoughts from negative to positive I thought, “Really, it’s that easy?” But I also thought, why don’t I just try it in case it really works. I did and I have been using gratitude to u-turn my thoughts for many years now. However simple it is, I can tell you it really works. So when you get yourself all caught up in negative thinking about relationships, get going with the gratitude.

  It’s not just Tony who thinks this. Rhonda Byrne, bestselling author of The Secret, says “Gratitude is the fastest way to change every single thing in your life.” And now it’s also backed by science – research at UC Berkley found that gratitude has lasting effects on the brain. People who had practised gratitude showed greater neural sensitivity in the medial prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with learning and decision-making.

  So next time you catch yourself being negative, start listing in your mind or writing down things that you are grateful for to switch your focus from an unsupportive mindset to a supportive one. It can be as simple as being grateful for waking up today, for your body, for good health, for your hot shower in the morning, for a nice gesture from someone. It doesn’t have to be materialistic, although you might also be grateful for the food you eat and the clothes you wear, or the fact that you have bought yourself a car.

  Try to really tune in to the feelings around what you’re writing. You can write a gratitude letter if you prefer. Do whatever works best for you. I spend a couple of minutes each morning in the shower giving thanks.

  Let’s go!

  What are you grateful for?

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  Accepting myself

  For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt everything so deeply and I always felt it was a weakness. I would walk into a room and know if someone was feeling sad or uncomfortable. It was very overwhelming at times, especially when I was young. When I was in my 20s I never understood why being at busy events or in noisy restaurants would wear me out so much. Even spending a day with friends would be exhausting. In my early 30s I realized and accepted that I am “an empath” and a highly sensitive soul (yes, it’s a thing and not just like wow you are sensitive, but more like wow you really do feel everything kind of way!). This used to really bother me because I just wanted to hang out with friends and not worry that I needed my rest – I felt I was boring at times. If I was out for an evening, the next day would be pretty much written off and that was without having a drink. I can’t function without 8 hours’ sleep and I need a lot of alone time to rest and reset each day, and socializing, flat-sharing or going off on girlie weekends would be challenging for me, especially before I learnt to accept how I was and how to create a life around it that worked for me. In the work I do today, I have come to realize that it is a gift to have empathy for others and being able to be so in tune with my feelings and intuition is serving me well as a coach.

  YOUR TOOLBOX: ACCEPT AND SWITCH IT

  Now it’s your turn. In this exercise I want you to answer the questions and accept the thing you believe to be your shortcoming and spin it on its head so it becomes a quality.

  • I accept that I’m…………………………….

  • I think it’s a good quality because it actually makes me…………

  Or

  • I can learn from being………and use it to………

  Some examples: maybe you are very quiet, especially in groups, and have so far thought it has held you back, but now you realize that it makes you a great observer and you make great decisions because of it.

  One of my clients told me that he assessed people quickly, kind of judged them, and he didn’t really like that. But he has realized that he is just a very good judge of character and that it has served him well and protected him at times, so he uses this skill of connecting with his intuition now in business and has learnt to trust it fully.

  Self-worth

  Accepting the way certain people are in our life can be very freeing. Sometimes it is those closest to us who will make us feel low and worthless, but it’s important to remember that they can’t make you feel that way unless you allow it. If they are going out of their way to make you feel that way, they have their own issues to deal with. If you can, you might want to break up with that relationship or friendship.

  The moment you truly realize and accept that the other person won’t change can be tough. I have been there many times with my clients and in my own life. You want so badly for them to realize that there is a different way. Healing yourself and leading by example is usually what serves best. Sometimes the person will notice your changes, come around and feel inspired, but this is not always the case. People only change when they are ready to do so, so it will depend if the timing is aligned. My client Catherine had a difficult relationship with her mother and had to accept that her mother would perhaps never change…

  Catherine’s story

  “I came to Camilla for guidance because I had just come out of a controlling relationship. I was feeling lonely and struggling to communicate with my mum. All I ever wanted was for her to understand where I was coming from, to actually truly see me and hear me and for her to take responsibility for her actions and behaviours. Although I had had a fairly loving childhood, it often felt conditional – my mum was quite controlling, selfish and she loved to judge everyone and everything. She was completely unaware of her behaviour and how it affected the people around her, especially me, and if I
ever brought it up she would get mad and never admit or even consider that she was in the wrong. Our relationship was tiring.

  As much as I disliked her behaviour, at the age of 35 I found myself in a relationship that was starting to feel very much like the one I had with my mum – my partner was controlling and a narcissist. One day I woke up and thought “NO MORE”, something has to change. I simply couldn’t take this kind of behaviour any longer. I felt emotionally beaten down. That was the moment I walked out of the relationship and started my soul-searching journey.

  Through Camilla’s coaching and the tools she gave me, I became more and more aware of how in control I was of my own emotions and behaviour and how I could choose how much I let my mum’s or anyone else’s behaviour affect me. I started to accept that I could not change my mum nor did I want to (well maybe a little at first), and instead I focused on how I reacted and communicated in relationships like this. It made situations that used to be super uncomfortable more comfortable for me. What this healing time taught me was that a person can’t change an issue they are unaware of. You have to accept that no one is going to change unless they are ready to do so and you cannot change anyone and neither is it your job to do so. Even if you try to make them aware, unless they are willing and ready to see it or hear it, there is nothing you can do but accept them as they are and then of course it’s up to you whether you want to keep the relationship.