by Vicky Owen
We’re dating!
‘Jesus, Harry, how many times? We’re not dating.’
We’re not dating. Flutters turn to lead and I fight to keep the smile on my face as they keep talking.
‘When he told us about you I thought you were going to be just another fling, but weeks later he’s still seeing you.’
‘We’re not dating!’ Louder this time. Loud enough to cause the others to look. ‘We’re just friends. She’s not my girlfriend.’
‘So, what, you’re just friends who fuck?’
‘Yes!’ yells Jake.
Just friends who fuck.
I want to run away from here. Everyone is watching now. Breathing is suddenly more difficult. Harry’s looking at me with a hint of concern in his expression. I realise my face is still frozen in a smile. He raises a questioning eyebrow.
I take a breath. ‘Yes. Just friends.’ I feel so stupid, and I can feel the tears trying to escape. I need to escape.
Harry looks unconvinced, but someone is suddenly calling the band.
Show time.
I walk away to find Lexi before anyone can say anything more. ‘Are you okay? What was all that about?’ she asks as we head to join the audience and find Sam.
‘Nothing,’ I say, forcing another empty smile. ‘Look, there’s Sam.’ I wave, hoping to catch her attention as we fight through the crowd to reach her.
‘Hey,’ she says. ‘Look at you! Don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress before.’
The house lights go down and we’re plunged into darkness for a few seconds. Green and blue suddenly light up the stage and there they are. All four of them.
The protective lead guitarist.
The drummer who reduced Lexi to shy silence.
The singer who just crushed my heart publicly and humiliatingly for a second time.
And the bassist who made it happen.
The crowd around us screams, and it’s only then that I notice how packed the venue is. Someone is screaming for Jake to take his top off but he seems oblivious, too busy looking through the crowd. His eyes finally connect with mine and I want to burst into tears. I’m so angry with him for doing this to me. I’m even more angry with me for letting myself believe this is something it isn’t. And I feel so stupid in this dress now.
The band waits for the screaming to die down a little, then Luc clicks his drumsticks together and the music starts.
They’re playing Missing.
Jake starts singing. His voice is low and sexy. Melancholy.
As I listen to the lyrics of loss and failure, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.
He’s singing about Ana.
I look up at him and he looks back. He’s singing about Ana, even after all this time. After what he told me the other day. The girl who made him miserable, who he just stuck with out of a sense of obligation. He’s singing about her to me. I’m just another fling, right? The one he’s ashamed of. I’ll never be anything special to him.
He doesn’t want me. He never did. Why would he, when he can have any girl he wants? There are dozens here he could take his pick from. I’m just the easy option.
Just friends who fuck, right?
Just his dirty little secret.
CHAPTER 12
Jake
WE DRIVE BACK to mine in silence. Cerys doesn’t even look at me.
Fucking Harry.
But you’re the one who shouted, a voice in my head helpfully chimes in.
And she said yes anyway. She must be fine with this.
But it’s not what you want, the voice continues. That’s why you started with Missing.
Fuck’s sake.
I pull into the driveway and we get out. She still doesn’t say anything.
‘So,’ I try, ‘what did you think?’ She looks so good in that dress.
‘Yeah. Good.’ Ouch.
‘Just good?’ I unlock the door and we enter.
‘Good. Great. Whatever.’
Okay. ‘Sorry about Harry, by the way. He’s just a bit…Harry. You know?’ I half-smile at her.
‘No, I don’t know.’ She glares at me. ‘What have you been saying about me?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Doesn’t sound like nothing,’ she says.
I sigh and look down.
‘What is this?’
‘What?’
‘Us.’ Her voice is almost imperceptibly unsteady.
‘We’re…we’re friends. Right?’
‘But we have sex. You give me lingerie. You give me head, for fuck’s sake.’
‘Cerys, I have to go on tour in a couple of months.’
‘So? I’m applying for PhDs. I just’—she falters for a moment before continuing—‘I don’t want to be some kind of embarrassment to you.’
‘You’re not. Where’s this all coming from?’
‘You practically yelled to everyone that I’m nothing to you. It’s like the last time I saw you with Ana. Like you’re ashamed to be associated with me in any way. You spend weeks messaging me and taking me out, and then you do that. Like I’m some awful secret. It’s confusing and fucking horrible.’ She puts her face in her hands.
Not knowing what else to do, I step forward and pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her. She pushes against me for a moment with no real effort, then buries her face in my chest and sobs uncontrollably. I put one hand on the back of her head, my fingers in her soft hair.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I’m not ashamed of you. It’s just Harry with his fucking questions. And Ana fucking me up. Still.’
She just nods silently against me.
Cerys
I’M STILL WEARING my dress. My hands trace the fabric clinging to my body beneath the duvet.
I’m in Jake’s bed again. Alone. Again. He hasn’t been here. I don’t remember falling asleep or even coming upstairs, but I know I slept here alone.
I cried in front of him. Because of him. Is there any coming back from that?
I lie there for a few minutes, trying to get things straight in my head. I was fine with this set-up, wasn’t I? At least until Harry started asking questions. Until Jake started saying things out loud.
Don’t let feelings get in the way of fun, right?
I stare up at the ceiling. What do I want?
I want more.
You can’t have more.
I have to stop this. Whatever this is. Before I fall deeper.
I push the blanket back and get out of bed. Time to go home. To forget this disastrous experiment.
Jake’s asleep on the sofa, lying under a thin throw. I see him as soon as I get to the bottom of the stairs. No one should look so good when they’re not even conscious. As I approach, I know I won’t be able to stop myself from lying down next to him. And so I do, needing to be close to him just one more time.
I lift his arm and lay it back down across my waist.
‘Are you okay?’ he says sleepily.
‘Why did you sleep down here?’ I turn so we’re face to face.
He opens his eyes. ‘Wanted to give you some space. You seemed to need it. Especially from me.’
I don’t say anything. I don’t even know any more. I just close my eyes as he pulls me closer.
One last time.
I pull the sheet up and get underneath it. Jake is naked.
Naked and hard.
He sees me looking. ‘Sorry,’ he says.
‘Why? Don’t be.’ I kiss him before he can answer. One last time, and I’m going to be in control. We’re going to end this on my terms.
Still kissing him, I push him onto his back and straddle him. Pulling back, I sit up and reach down to the bottom of the dress, pulling it up and over my head, revealing the deep red bra and panties I’m wearing underneath, trimmed with black lace.
‘I knew they’d look incredible on you,’ he says, his hands on my hips.
I’m sitting directly on top of his erection. I shift, grinding against him. I know I’m wet.
I know I’m going to soak through my knickers.
I know he likes it.
My hips keep grinding against him as I lean forward, my face hovering just above his, not quite letting our lips touch. He groans and pushes back against me, trying to pull me down to kiss him. I fight back and tilt my chin up so he kisses my neck instead. I bite my lip as his make contact with my skin. Desire floods my body and I’m not sure how long I can keep teasing us both before I give in.
‘You’re wet,’ he whispers in my ear.
Something about him actually saying it sends shivers through me.
‘We need a condom,’ he says.
I pull back and tilt my head as I reach into my bra. He frowns, then laughs as I produce a condom from the left cup. I tear it open and sit back, pinching the tip and rolling it down his perfect, thick cock, feeling his eyes on me the whole time. I pull my panties and bra off before straddling him again.
‘You look even better naked,’ he says before fighting to suppress a groan as I let him enter me. He feels even bigger from this angle, and it takes a moment for me to steady myself. ‘You okay?’ he asks with some concern in his voice.
I nod and lean forward to ease the pressure, sinking down onto him.
He doesn’t take his eyes off me as I rock my hips against his.
He’s so beautiful.
No, don’t go there. Just focus on how good he feels inside you.
But it’s no use, and it’s the look in his eyes as he grabs at my hips and thrusts up harder into me that finally pushes me over the edge. I climax hard with him inside me, in turn causing him to come with intensity.
Afterwards, I lie in his arms silently as he plays with my hair, and I wonder what I should do.
‘What is this?’ I finally ask, looking up at him.
He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know,’ he admits.
Then I should go.
‘I need to leave,’ I say, getting up and picking up my clothes. ‘I have labs this afternoon.’
And this is nothing.
‘SO HOW WAS the gig?’ Mylo gets four more bottles of strawberry and pear cider out of the fridge and opens them before bringing them all over to the table.
‘It was amazing!’ Lexi gushes. ‘Luc Hall was talking to me.’
‘Luc and Candy,’ I remind her.
‘Who?’ Lexi has clearly forgotten that there was anyone there apart from her and Luc. ‘Drummers are so hot.’
Sam takes a sip of her drink. ‘All drummers?’ she asks with a raised eyebrow.
‘Well. Luc. Luc is hot.’
Mylo laughs. ‘And you went home with Jake?’ he says, turning to me.
‘Yeah. Now,’ I say, not really wanting to prolong the Jake talk, ‘which game?’ I take a big gulp of the cider. I need this tonight. I need to switch off and forget Jake. Forget what I can’t have. What I can’t be.
Mylo looks at me for a moment before deciding to let it go. ‘That game with the duke. Coup?’
I look at Sam. ‘Sounds good to me,’ she says.
‘Lexi?’
Lexi’s on her phone. ‘Hmm?’ She looks up.
‘Coup?’
‘Oh. Yeah, okay,’ she smiles before returning to her phone.
Mylo rolls his eyes and heads to the games cupboard. A moment later, he returns, holding the small box with the contessa on the cover. As he deals the cards, I check my own phone, rereading the message I received from Jake before I’d even made it home this morning.
What are you up to tonight?
I’ve been ignoring it, but now that I’m on my second drink I feel compelled to respond.
I’m going out with the girls and Mylo.
Thirty seconds later, a response: Where?
‘Okay, everyone ready?’ asks Mylo. I shove my phone back in my pocket.
Fuck him.
I check my hand. A contessa and an ambassador.
‘So, additional rule for pre-drinking: anyone who loses a card takes a drink. So that’s if you get assassinated, couped, or caught lying,’ Sam says. We all nod in response.
‘I have a duke,’ I lie, taking three coins from the centre of the table.
FORTY MINUTES, TOO many drinks and countless rounds of Coup and Exploding Kittens later, we get into a taxi. We’re all a bit drunk, but fuck it, we’re students.
‘Where are we going, exactly?’ asks Sam.
‘Spotlights,’ says Mylo, to the taxi driver more than to Sam. The car pulls off.
‘Always thought that was a stupid name for a club,’ Sam says, sinking back into her seat.
‘Yeah, but they’ve got good music.’
Lexi is still engrossed in her phone, biting her lip and smiling to herself. It was an effort to get her into the games tonight.
‘So, who is it?’ I ask.
‘Hmm?’
‘On your phone?’
‘No one,’ she says, putting her phone into her bag.
‘Right.’
‘Anyway, what’s happening with you and Jake? What happened last night? He shouted something at Harry and you looked miserable, but then you left with him anyway.’
I look away, really not wanting to talk about this.
‘Was he being a dick?’ asks Sam. ‘Guys in bands. They’re all the same.’
‘That’s not true. Luc was nice,’ says Lexi.
‘You’ve met the guy once.’ Sam turns back to me. ‘What happened with Jake?’
I take a deep breath. ‘Nothing. Harry was just trying to provoke him.’ I don’t know why I’m defending him. My pocket is still burning with the last text he sent me.
‘Harry?’
‘The bassist,’ says Lexi as the taxi pulls into the rank for us to get out.
Mylo pays the driver, and a minute later we’re in a fast-moving queue. I’m ready with my I.D. this time as we approach the doorman, and with my money to pay for entry as we file down the stairs. A bored twentysomething takes my money and stamps my wrist before we enter the club proper.
‘Drinks?’ says Mylo, miming with his hand. I nod. The four of us head to the bar, and as Mylo orders four rum mixers, two hands gently squeeze my waist. I spin around, unsure of how to react, and come face to face with Liam, the guy from Playboard.
‘Oh. Hey,’ I smile.
‘Hello. You haven’t come into the shop for ages.’ He’s a little drunk. But so am I. ‘Was hoping to see you again soon. Still holding onto that expansion for you.’
Oh shit. Yeah. Right. ‘Uh, sorry. Been distracted with work.’ And Jake.
And fucking Jake.
‘Well, now that you’re here, how about a drink?’ he asks.
‘Sorry, already ordered one,’ I say, nodding towards Mylo.
A glimmer of disappointment crosses his face for a moment. I realise he’s still cute. Tall, if shorter than Jake. But good-looking enough.
But he’s not Jake.
Mylo hands me my drink and I shake my head at myself. Need to stop thinking about Jake.
I drink some of the rum and feel it warm my body.
Fuck it.
I put down the drink and take Liam by the hand. ‘C’mon. Let’s dance,’ I say, leading him to the dancefloor. Distraction might be the best way to get past Jake.
Dance remixes are pumping out of the speakers, and the strobe comes on as we get to the middle of the dance floor.
I lift my hands and let the music and the alcohol move my body. It feels pretty good. I can do this.
Liam’s hands snake around my hips and I instinctively tense up and pull back. He settles on just dancing close to me.
This is okay. I can do this. Just not the physical contact. Not just yet. Need to relax a bit more.
Lexi, Sam and Mylo are dancing together a bit to my left. Suddenly, different hands touch me from behind. The pressure and size of them gives away who they belong to. I know that touch, instinctively.
I turn and come face to face with Jake.
He looks angry.
Liam tries to intervene
. ‘Hey man, what’s going on?’
‘You better step the fuck back,’ Jake growls. I’ve never seen him angry before.
‘Or what?’ says Liam.
Shit.
Jake steps forward. ‘Try me.’ He somehow manages to tower over Liam despite being just a few inches taller.
Liam holds his ground, looking between me and Jake for a moment. ‘Whatever, man.’ He walks off the dance floor.
Jake watches him leave before turning back to me.
‘What the fuck was that?’ I ask.
‘How could you let him touch you?’
‘Excuse me?’ How fucking dare he. ‘I was dancing with him. With someone who likes me. Someone who’s not ashamed to be seen with me. Someone who might be able to see me as more than a friend.’ I know it’s the drink loosening my tongue, making me say things I’m going to regret tomorrow, but I can’t stop myself. ‘Unlike you.’
I know he can barely hear me over the music, but his expression indicates that he caught it all.
And he’s hurt.
Lexi, Sam and Mylo are watching. I wonder if they can hear.
The reality of what I just said starts to sink in, and I can feel the lump in my throat rising. The tears behind my eyes. Not again. I just came out to have fun, and now he’s here and I’m angry with him, upset that he’s under my skin.
And yet secretly happy at the same time.
What a clusterfuck.
‘Cerys—’ he starts.
‘No!’ I walk out before he can try to make it better.
Before I burst into tears.
Jake
CERYS WALKS AWAY, off the dance floor, towards the door. I glance over at her friends, recognising the one that Luc was talking to yesterday, before following her. She’s halfway up the stairs already, and I don’t catch up to her until we’re outside.
‘Cerys!’ I try to stop her, reaching for her hand.
‘No,’ she pulls it away from my grasp, turning around. ‘What are you even doing here?’
‘I wanted to see you.’
‘Why?’ I can tell that she’s on the brink of tears, and it’s killing me that it’s my fault.
‘Because I couldn’t not see you.’
She laughs coldly. ‘Right.’
