by Vicky Owen
We stand there for a moment in the chill, surrounded by partygoers.
‘How did you even know where to find me?’ She narrows her eyes at me.
‘You said you were going out.’
‘I didn’t say where.’
‘I…it doesn’t matter. I’m here now.’ Isn’t that enough?
‘You don’t even know what you want.’
‘Yes I do.’
She raises a questioning eyebrow.
‘You.’
‘Yeah. Right. Whatever.’ She turns and starts walking before stopping again and turning back. ‘I’m not a fucking jigsaw, Jake. You can’t just…just have bits of me. The bits you like.’
I step towards her. ‘When have I given you that impression? I want you. I thought you wanted this too.’
‘Fuck off.’
‘Well, what do you want?’
She frowns and shakes her head, looking down. I touch her face with my hand, tilting her chin up so she’s looking at me. ‘Tell me,’ I say.
‘You know what I want,’ she whispers. I kiss her hard, and she pushes her lips back against mine, parting them so her tongue is in my mouth. ‘You,’ she says, between kisses. I flag down a taxi and take her by the hand, opening the door and getting in the back after her.
‘Christchurch,’ she says.
Her place.
She turns to me and I kiss her again, sliding my fingers through her hair and loosely gripping it. I want her now. I let my other hand slide up the back of her top, holding the side of her ribcage and teasing her already hard nipple with my thumb.
‘Jake,’ she says, pulling back. ‘I want to keep doing this, but no more, like, dates after tonight. Because I can’t do both, you know? And’—she looks down, swallowing—‘it’s not like we have time anyway.’
‘You just want the sex stuff?’
She nods, still not looking at me.
‘Because I actually like hanging out with you. You know that, right?’ There’s no one I’d rather spend time with.
She looks up and into me with those sea-coloured eyes. ‘Yeah, me too. But it’s too hard and, like you said, you have music things to do. Tours and whatever. And I have a degree to finish.’
‘Okay.’
She smiles as we pull up in front of her flat.
But I know it’s not.
CHAPTER 13
Cerys
I STUMBLE OUT of the taxi and Jake is there, catching my hand, laughing. Asking if I’m okay. I don’t know how he paid the driver and made it to my side so quickly, but I don’t care. I look up at him, at his beautiful face, and nod.
Yes, I’m okay.
I tighten my grip around his hand and lead him to the main entrance of my building. It’s quiet. We’re right in the middle of that lull between everyone heading into town and everyone coming back home again. The no man’s land between Friday night and Saturday morning.
Like the no man’s land between friends and lovers. Not enough and too much, all at once.
No. Not tonight. This is about having fun, and right now, nothing sounds more fun than getting Jake into my bed. I’m not letting the confusion ruin tonight.
Besides, there is no confusion, right? We’ve just talked about it. Just friends having fun. And I really need some fun with this friend right now.
Jake tugs gently on my hand as we approach the door, snapping me out of my thoughts. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘Clear sky. Stars.’
I follow his gaze skyward. He’s right. It’s pretty.
‘One day, we should go somewhere with no light pollution so you can see them properly,’ he says, looking at me. I frown and turn back to the door.
‘That sounds like a date,’ I say, punching the code in. ‘We’re not dating.’ We just fucking agreed on this. Just friends who fuck. Right?
‘Two friends can go and check out the stars,’ he says from behind me as we start up the stairs. I silently wish for him to just stop talking. To stop pretending this is something it’s not. To stop giving me hope. Then: ‘Fuck, your ass looks good in those jeans.’
That’s better.
Less than half a minute later, we’re at my door and I’m fumbling for my key. He’s behind me and right up against me, his breath on my neck. ‘Hey,’ he whispers into my hair, his hands snaking around my waist. It doesn’t help with the key situation. Just as I find the right one, his lips meet my neck, sending heat down my spine…and then he’s turning me around, pushing me up against the door. He looks right into me, and I’ve never felt more exposed. I wonder if he can tell how badly I want him…
His smirk confirms that he can. Suddenly feeling shy, I look down for a moment, but the erection that’s pushing against me through our clothing makes it clear that the desire is mutual. I raise my eyes again, meeting his gaze, and suddenly he’s kissing me, pushing his lips against mine, tasting my mouth, one hand pulling gently at my hair, the other hand taking the key from me and unlocking my door before I realise what’s happening.
He lifts me up, still kissing me, as he opens the door and carries me into the dark, letting the door click shut behind him as his kisses travel down my neck and land on my chest. It’s too much. It’s not enough. Yet again, I feel myself soaking through my underwear. Oh God.
‘Jake,’ I whisper, ‘I need to just—’ He lowers me onto the bed and flicks the bedside lamp to its dimmest setting before continuing to kiss down towards my nipples. He rips open my popper-button cardigan with a grin and groans slightly at the sight of my sheer bra.
‘When did you get this? They look amazing.’ Jake stares at them, then looks up at me. ‘You look amazing.’ I bite my lip and close my eyes as he gently nibbles and sucks at my nipples through the fabric, first one then the other, before pulling my bra down and allowing my breasts to spill out, exposed. Just like before, he cups one with his right hand, teasing it with his fingers as he takes the other into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the nipple, pulling and sucking gently. All my body heat is rushing downwards, building between my legs. Jake switches sides, then begins to kiss down my midsection—towards my jeans—at an agonisingly slow pace.
‘Jake, please, now, I can’t…’ I trail off.
‘Shhh, it’s okay,’ and he’s undoing my jeans, pulling them off me. I need him. I need him yesterday.
And he pauses.
Why has he stopped?
I look down and he looks back at me, a satisfied smile spreading across his face. ‘You are so wet for me.’
Oh God. I feel my cheeks flushing. He pulls off my knickers and tosses them onto the floor, then hooks his arms underneath my thighs. He pulls me towards him, my crotch to his face.
‘You smell so fucking good.’
I expect him to kiss me or lick me or something, but he doesn’t. Instead he pulls back and looks up at me. ‘I want you to sit on my face.’
‘What? I can’t do that!’ I sit up and he picks me up, like it’s effortless. ‘Jake!’
‘Sure you can,’ he says, turning and sitting on the bed before lying back and pulling my hips closer to his face. I look down at him, feeling new levels of nakedness that I didn’t even know existed. His hands squeeze my ass cheeks and he slowly pulls me further up his body, closer to his face. I reach for the headboard to steady myself.
‘Mmm, yes,’ he murmurs as my pelvis comes level with his mouth.
I grip harder as he teases me with his tongue. It’s so unfair, this effect he has on me.
His left hand moves to my chest and plays with my nipple while his right reaches for my cunt. His fingers linger at the entrance while he continues to stroke my clit with his tongue.
‘Jake,’ I say between breaths, feeling myself getting closer to the edge, ‘if I come like this, I think I’ll fall.’
He pauses. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you.’ Yeah, I think bitterly, you have. He slides his fingers into me while taking my clitoris fully between his lips.
I climax and grip the headboard as hard as possible, trying despera
tely not to fall onto him even as I lose control. I feel his hands holding me up as pleasure washes through me.
‘Wow,’ says Jake, helping me to lower myself onto the bed next to him. He kisses me softly and I use what little energy I have left to kiss him back. ‘Do you want to have sex?’
I nod. Yes. Now.
He gets up and pulls his clothes off. Seeing him naked never gets old. I’ve never seen anyone so perfect. No wonder he won’t commit to just one girl.
I frown and push this thought away. He’s here now, and this is what I said I wanted. I turn over onto my belly, wanting him to do what he did before.
‘No, face up. I want to see you.’
My heart rate increases, and I do as he says. He rolls a condom on before settling above me. ‘I want to look into your eyes.’
I know it’s a bad idea. I know we’re about to cross the line I promised myself I wouldn’t cross tonight. But I don’t protest. I want it too, even if it will hurt more when all this is over.
He buries his face in the nook between my shoulder and my jaw, kissing my neck as he slowly enters me. I gasp at the physical shock of feeling his length inside me again. Almost reflexively, my arms wrap around him, gripping his back.
‘Wrap your legs around me,’ he whispers into my neck.
I obey, and he rocks his hips against mine. He pulls back and kisses me on the lips. ‘Your eyes,’ he says suddenly, quietly. ‘The colour, the shape. I love your eyes.’
He loves something about me.
I bite my lip and close the eyes he loves, focusing on the feeling between my legs, losing myself in the motion of his hips thrusting against me as I approach orgasm again.
‘Open your eyes,’ he says. The sound of his voice is enough to push me over the edge. I look up at him, clamping my mouth shut to stifle the cries, and a split-second later he comes too. I feel his body shudder, him jerking inside me, as he comes hard.
‘Fuck,’ he says, hanging his head. ‘That was intense.’
He carefully pulls out—the worst part—and disposes of the condom before pulling me close under the covers, sleepily kissing my hairline.
My crappy lemon gingham sheets.
Wait. ‘Jake.’
‘Hmm?’
‘How did you know this was my room?’
He gently turns me around and pulls me into him. His little spoon.
‘Oh Cerys,’ he says, and I know he’ll be fast asleep soon. ‘I’d know you anywhere.’
‘What?’
Silence.
‘Jake?’
‘Mine,’ he mumbles. ‘Home.’
And he’s asleep.
Jake
I WAKE WITH the scent of orange blossoms in the air, in a room that’s distinctly…Cerys in its character. There’s an old Nintendo handheld and a drink-stained card game on the bedside table. On the floor are three files, each one bursting with loose notes. Flung in the corner is a large plush flower with bright pink petals and a smiley face in the middle. I recognise it from when we were kids.
And in my arms, Cerys. I pull her closer, breathing in her scent. I could stay like this all day, fitting perfectly together with her. She’s naked against me, and if I had my way, I’d never let her get up.
But that’s not what she wants. She doesn’t want to see me any more, at least not in any meaningful way.
Cerys sighs in her sleep and I nuzzle softly into the back of her neck. I’ve been so selfish. This is the first time it’s even occurred to me that she’s got an entire life here without me, and a plan for her future.
I can’t do it to her. I can’t just…use her for sex. Is that really what she wants? That’s not what she is to me. She’s so much more.
But I’ve got the band. I’ve got an album to finish, and a tour to plan straight after that. And she’ll be doing a PhD. There’s no way we could be anything more.
She shifts, still asleep, turning to face me. She’s so beautiful. And maybe she’s better off without me here, distracting her. Fucking everything up for her.
I pull her close, pressing my lips gently to her forehead. I half hope that she’ll wake, but I know that I couldn’t bear to leave if she did. And I need to leave. I need to think.
I slip gently out of the bed, letting my fingers linger on her for as long as possible before letting go fully.
As I quietly get dressed, I’ve never felt worse about myself. I hate myself for leaving her like this, but I need some space to get my head straight. For both of us.
Maybe I should never have messaged her after that night in Low. I should have let her get on with things without me.
But you don’t regret seeing her again.
I frown at myself, treading softly to the door, taking care not to wake her. No, I don’t regret it. But I’ve made such a mess of everything.
I gently turn the handle and let myself out. Cerys doesn’t even stir.
In the hallway, it takes me a second to get my bearings. I can hear chatter coming from one end of the hall. Two voices. One male, one female. I pause for a moment, looking; I’m just about to turn in the other direction and head for the exit when the owner of the female voice walks past the open doorway. She’s short, though taller than Cerys, and slight, with light brown hair in a messy bun.
As she passes the doorway, her head turns and she sees me. She pauses and stops mid-speech, narrowing her eyes at me. Clearly not a fan.
‘Everything okay?’ says the male voice. She says nothing. I can hear movement.
I turn and leave before they have an opportunity to make more noise and wake Cerys. As I exit, I wonder if I’ll ever see her again, knowing it’s probably best for the both of us if I don’t.
CHAPTER 14
Cerys
THE BED IS empty. I’m naked. I lie on my back for a few minutes, looking up at the ceiling. Remembering last night.
We went out. Jake turned up. We argued. I brought him home.
I sat on his face.
The memory alone makes me cringe.
Since when am I so…sexually confident?
And he liked it.
Even lying here now, all alone, I can feel my cheeks flushing pink at the memory.
Wait.
Where is he?
I know he slept here. I’m naked. I never sleep naked alone.
And I can smell him on the pillow next to mine. I pull the pillow into a hug, burying my face in his scent.
I lie there for a few more minutes. Waiting. He’ll be back in a second. He’s just gone to use the loo or something.
There’s muffled chatter on the other side of the bedroom door. Mylo and Lexi must be up. Maybe Lexi saw Jake and started grilling him about No Reckless. About Luc.
Better go save him, I think, smiling to myself.
Sitting up on the edge of the bed, I notice that only my clothes are scattered on the floor.
He obviously got dressed before leaving the room, stupid.
I shake my head. Yes, of course. Jake’s not the type to sneak away.
Time for me to get dressed too. I debate with myself: pyjamas, or real clothes? I eventually settle on pyjamas.
Easier to take back off if there’s a round two before he leaves today.
I can’t help smiling at the thought. And it’s Saturday. We’ve got all day for more fun. Fuck it, I’m not even going to make the bed. What’s the point if we’re just going to mess it up again anyway?
This feels okay. At least now we know where we stand. Just sexy fun. Simple.
Loose, flowing bottoms and a vest top later, I leave my bedroom, heading for the kitchen. The bathroom door is open as I pass, with no one inside.
Sam is sitting cross-legged on the larger sofa, eating a bowl of dry cereal. Mylo is on the other sofa, eating a bacon sandwich. No Lexi.
No Jake, either.
‘Hey,’ Sam smiles, patting the seat beside her.
‘There’s more bacon if you want some,’ says Mylo.
I sit down next to Sam. ‘Where i
s everyone?’
‘Lexi disappeared upstairs not long after you left with that guy. She sent a text saying she’d be home sometime today.’ Mylo takes another bite out of his sandwich, and ketchup oozes out the other side.
‘Think it’s one of the guys she matched on her app,’ adds Sam. ‘But she’s sent a few texts. She’s fine.’
‘Ah.’ I wait to see if they volunteer any information about Jake. I don’t really want to ask. It feels so pathetic. But they say nothing.
And I realise they’re waiting for me to ask.
There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach as I look at them. Okay.
‘So…’ I say slowly, ‘Jake. Is he still here?’
They share a look.
‘He left about an hour ago. I saw him in the hallway,’ says Sam. She puts down her bowl.
‘Oh.’ That’s okay, I tell myself. Just sex. ‘Did he say anything?’
‘No.’
‘Oh. Well, he probably didn’t see you, I guess.’ I hope.
‘He looked straight at me. He couldn’t leave fast enough after that.’ They’re both looking at me now. I can feel it.
It’s okay. It’s just sex. He doesn’t owe me anything.
‘Cerys,’ Sam puts her arm around me, softly. Like only Sam can. ‘I’m sorry.’
I look down, trying to hide my face while I steady myself. Breathe.
‘It’s okay,’ I say, looking up, plastering my face with an empty smile. ‘Probably band stuff.’ Guess I need to get used to this if it’s just sex.
A thought forms. Maybe he sent me a text.
‘I’m just going to jump in the shower.’ I get up and head back to the bedroom, escaping the awkward silence. He will have sent me a text. He always does. It’s his thing.
I open the bedroom door, expecting to see my phone—which is sitting on the bedside table—flashing as I enter, trying to get my attention.
But no. Nothing.
I sit down on the bed and pick it up anyway, waking up the screen.
Nothing.
And it’s all my own doing.
I feel cold all over.
This is what I wanted, right?
