Winning Back Ryan

by S. L. Siwik

  “Because that night…It feels selfish for me to shout at you about a decision that you made. It doesn’t matter how I feel about it,” I explained.

  “You aren’t selfish for telling me how you feel. You saved my life. I want to talk about this and get it out in the open. I want you to tell me how you really feel.”

  “And then what?” I asked, biting my lower lip hard.

  “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out as we go. What I do know is that you can’t keep this in any longer.”

  I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. I don’t know why, but for some reason that always made emotionally taxing conversations easier for me.

  “So, I’d like to know how you feel,” Brian began in hopes of prompting me to begin talking.

  I had no idea where to begin.

  “I felt…betrayed, frightened, hesitant, guilty, angry. Just to name a few.”

  He nodded. “Why?”

  “I felt angry and guilty because I felt responsible somehow. I was your best friend. We were so close. I should have seen some sign that you were even considering that. I’ve replayed that month before in my head a thousand times, and I never see anything that seemed unusual.”

  “There wasn’t. You could have never known. I didn’t even make the choice until that night. So, you’re beating yourself up for nothing,” he replied calmly.

  I blinked, surprised by his answer. There was no warning? I was also shocked by his candidness. This was a topic that we never talked about.

  “I’m frightened and hesitant because you seemed so happy and healthy then. I would have thought you’d be the last person in the world to do that. I’m….” I choked up, tears welling. “Waiting for it to happen again. It frightens me to want to be closer to you when you might not be there one day.”

  “We’re all not going to be here one day,” he replied, “But, I know what you mean. Please keep going.”I couldn’t though; the tears were falling so freely now that I was unable to speak. His hand moved to my cheek and he closed the space between us. “I wasn’t thinking much. I just found out that my mother cheated on my father. They were going to divorce. I was nearly failing that English class, and I would lose my scholarship. It all seemed hopeless and that everyone would be better off with me gone. I drank a lot that night and then took acid. I hallucinated and…what happened is the result. There was no planning, no thinking it through. I just had a bad trip and lost my mind.” He sighed long and hard. “Do you remember what you said to me that night?” I nodded. I could never forget. You couldn’t forget such a thing. “When you told me that if I didn’t fight and stay alive that you would never forgive me and that you wouldn’t come to my funeral, I knew then that you loved me. Then when you begged me in the ambulance to stay alive for you I knew there was a chance that you might never forgive me. I realized too late that you felt the same way about me that I’d felt for you all those years. But, two months later, Ryan had already made his move, and you were so happy. I didn’t want to ruin that for you.” Brian moved closer to me. “Please, you have to forgive me.” I looked into his eyes, and anger, pain, and fear flowed through me again just as intensely as it did that night. It seemed it had never really gone away; I just suppressed it, burying it deep within me because I didn’t know how to deal with it. His hands grabbed my arms tightly. “Annie, you have to forgive me.” His eyes pleaded.

  I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know how.” If I knew how, I would have done it already.

  He seemed to accept that answer, realizing that he wasn’t going to hear a better one.

  “Well, this is a start. I promise you that I will never leave you alone again. If you decide that you don’t want to be with me, that’s your choice, but I’ll always be here for you.” His eyes looked troubled, but resolved. “I made that promise to myself in the hospital afterwards. It’s your choice how you want me in your life. But, I love you, Annie. I always have and I always will. At least now you know.”

  I nestled my head into the crook of his neck, wrapping my arms around him, holding him to my body tightly. It was strange. As much as I wanted to kiss him, I also wanted to be comforted too. I wanted both in equal measure. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him, to know the other side of Brian, and yet at the same time, I was not ready to let go of what I did know of him- the platonic friend that I felt very comfortable with. I could feel him inhaling the scent of my hair, as he kissed my head.

  He stood up, pulling me up with him. My hands splayed out across his chest as I met his gaze. I stood on my tip-toes, our eyes holding each other. Everything that he had kept from me all of these years, he no longer held back-respect, trust, love, desire. I felt much freer suddenly as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All those years of repressed guilt were suddenly gone. I had done nothing wrong according to Brian; I hadn’t messed up or not paid close enough attention. I hadn’t been a bad friend. It was just an unfortunate accident, and I had been lucky enough to show up in his dorm room at just the right time to save him. I felt elated, almost giddy.

  Unable to stop myself, I pressed my lips to his, my tongue touching the tip of his, teasing each other. His hand entwined in my hair as he deepened the kiss, and I thought that maybe I should be sitting down for this as my legs began to shake. Brian was…an adept kisser. Whoever he was at eighteen, he no longer was now. If he had kissed me like this back then, I may have very well lost my virginity right there in the damn movie theater.

  He placed one kiss at the base of my throat.

  “Do you want me to stop?” he asked.

  As I closed my eyes, I answered, “No.” He kissed me lower in response. “But, we need to stop.”

  His eyes looked pained, but he asked calmly, “Of course. May I ask why?”

  “Because Brian,” I said warmly, hoping he heard the affection in my tone. “Ryan’s been sleeping around. I need to go get tested and make sure that I’m clean. I can’t take a chance of harming you.”

  His eyes softened at my words. “I’ll go with you if you want. We can get tested together.”

  I nodded as his lips pressed against mine. His fingers laced through mine, kissing my hand, before tugging me to follow. He walked through the apartment, turning off all the lights as we went.

  As we curled up in bed, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me, he kissed my forehead before whispering, “Goodnight, Annie.”

  Just as I was about to fall asleep I heard my phone buzzing. I knew who it is. I slipped out of bed to read Ben’s text: Just tell me you’re somewhere safe.

  I replied back: I’m somewhere safe.

  I tossed my phone into my bag and walked back to bed. I didn’t feel the need to tell him that I was at Brian’s. I didn’t need to pour salt in the wound.

  “Who was that?” Brian asked.

  “Ben,” I murmured, “He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going back to the apartment tonight.”

  He let out a long sigh and kissed my forehead again as I began to drift asleep in his warm embrace.

  Chapter Twelve

  Five o’clock in the morning was an ungodly hour. When his alarm went off, I couldn’t even see straight.

  “Morning to you, sunshine,” he said, leaning over and kissing me all over my face rapidly.

  I tried covering my face, groaning at him. “I’ve got morning breath!” I was not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I could be downright bitchy. I had taken for granted just how well Ryan understood that after two years and normally left me alone in the morning.

  “Okay. What about this?” He laid his head on my breast, wrapping his hands around my body and cuddling me.

  I murmured in appreciation. “This is incredible.” My eyes fluttered closed as my brain wondered if I could sneak in a few more minutes of sleep.

  But, Brian’s entire body practically crackled with energy. After only a few more minutes, he popped out of bed.

  “Come
on let’s go,” he shouted, clapping his hands before walking out of the room. I moaned my complaint; it was way too much enthusiasm for this early in the morning.

  I nearly fell out of bed and practically crawled into the kitchen. I just needed a cup of coffee and I would be able to function.

  “What are you doing?” I asked as he picked up a tape measure.

  “We’re going to take your measurements,” he said. I silently objected with a scowl. “No one’s going to see it,” he said.

  “How often are we going to do this?” I asked.

  “Once a month, and we’ll weigh you once a week,” he said, “And you’re not allowed to see.”

  “What?” I shrieked.

  “Too many women become obsessed with the scale, Annie. I don’t want you to become one of them. It isn’t about numbers, it’s about how you feel,” he said.

  I frowned. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

  Brian took out the measuring tape, measuring my bust, my arm, my thigh, and my waist, writing the numbers down on a clipboard. To distract me from the sudden awkwardness, he asked me about Ryan’s behavior the night before, so I told him how he was sweet as could be when I walked in the door, telling him about our whole conversation. He frowned but didn’t say anything, and I didn’t say anything when I felt his hand brush against my rib cage or move between my inner thighs.

  “Alright, all done,” he said, “Now come with me to the bathroom.” I followed him, and he forced me to get on the scale backwards. He wrote the number down and when I tried to glance at the page, he yanked it back. I sighed, knowing I had only been able to do that whole embarrassing scene because it was Brian.

  “Now what?” I asked.

  “Now we exercise,” he said, walking to the kitchen, picking up my coffee and pouring its remaining contents out into the sink.

  “What are you doing?” I shouted.

  “You can have one eight ounce cup of coffee a day. That’s it,” he told me before handing me sheets of printer paper. “I took all the guesswork out for you.”

  I glanced at the pages realizing it was a meal plan from Monday to Friday. I sighed and reminded myself that I wanted this. I was also touched by how much effort he put into helping me, and how long he must have spent preparing all of this.

  “Alright, let’s go exercise.”

  **

  Brian was the picture of ease, standing there smirking while I leaned up against a light pole, my hands on my thighs, trying to catch my breath.

  “We only have five more minutes, Annie,” he said, and I honest to God, wanted to kill him. My everything was on fire, and not in a pleasant way. I ached in places I didn’t even know I had. Brian’s system was thirty minutes of exercise- alternating sixty seconds jogging, sixty seconds walking. There were no words for how much I loathed this. I needed to create new words to explain how much I hated this exercise.

  “Hey, Annie, do you know of any new cool groups?” he asked.

  “What are you talking about?” I barely sputtered the words out in between pants.

  “You know how you’re always telling me about new, cool, musical groups? My boss wants me to come up with a song and commercial for a product. He thinks my seniors are out of touch with youth. The budget for it, however, is practically non-existent.”

  “And what do you think?” Again I could barely get the words out.

  “That it’s really a test because all of the senior members are going along with it just fine.”

  “What’s the demographic exactly?” Amazingly, I still couldn’t breathe regularly yet.

  “Co-ed. Twenty to twenty-five,” he said. I took my phone out of my pocket, scrolling to my videos. The week before I went to a small club with Ryan to see one of his friend’s band play. They were pretty decent, but this one song had been stuck in my head for days.

  I scrolled to the part of the performance where the song was, simply holding out my phone.He played it as I watched his foot tap to the beat.

  “Really catchy.” I simply nodded, pulling myself up straight. “Is this the band that you went to go see with Ryan last weekend?” I nodded again. “Are you alright that they are cool with Ryan?”

  I could finally talk without feeling like my lungs were going to explode, so I said, “They shouldn’t be punished for their friend being a jerk. Besides, if it helps impress your boss, that’s all that matters. Also, they don’t have a record deal. Convince them to let you use the song for free if you just slip in at the end of the ad the band and song’s name. You’ll be giving them free advertising.”

  “That’s my girl!” he shouted, “Good thinking, Annie.” I could see the wheels turning in his head like they always do when Brian’s put puzzle pieces together in his mind. I fought against the way his exclamation made me feel.

  “Can I send myself this video?” he asked me, and I nodded while we started jogging again.

  Our exercise route wound us down by the waterfront, where there were park benches to sit. Brian motioned for me to come sit down. I looked out, watching freightliners drift by, and the enormity of their size made me feel so tiny in comparison. I listened to the seagulls above, diving into the water for breakfast. I also heard the waves gently lapping against the shoreline. But, the most beautiful part? I realized the sun was rising.

  “Wow,” I said, turning toward Brian. “This is really something.”

  “I come down here every day after my workouts,” he replied, smiling.

  I sat back on the bench, enjoying the view as his arm wrapped around my shoulder, hugging me tightly as he laid kisses on my forehead and temple. When I kissed him back before cuddling against him, he sighed with contentment.

  **

  I popped a few Motrin into my mouth, swallowing them down with a big gulp of water. Everything hurt, my head pounded, I had a crick in my neck from the sleeping on Brian in a funny position. I was starving, and when my co-worker came by asking what I wanted on a coffee run, I glared at her murderously. Oh, I was also apparently whiny, too, because as I listened to my inner thoughts, I wanted to smack myself.

  I started my work day in the usual manner, checked all my work emails and the four hundred office memos that my boss sent. How she didn’t have carpal tunnel syndrome by now was nothing short of a miracle. I then checked all personal emails, forwarded really funny jokes or political articles friends sent me to Brian, then pulled up my assignment folders.

  When lunchtime rolled around, I looked at my new menu list and glanced at the sheet in shock. Brian knew all of the nearby places that I ate at and picked a place halfway down the block from me. Surprised, I grabbed my pocketbook, went out, and picked up the sandwich listed. Walking back, I felt a little lost. Normally, I rushed lunch because Ryan called me. That’s not happening anymore, so I was not sure what to do.

  I ate lunch in my work cubicle, because I was not friends with anyone at my job. They were all much older than me, and although age shouldn’t hinder a friendship, I had nothing in common with any of them. Most sat around talking about children, which was fine, but I couldn’t relate. Besides, I was one of those people who didn’t like to bring home issues to work. I felt very uncomfortable talking about personal things with co-workers. Work was a paycheck and a way for me to write for a living. Nothing more.

  After my grilled vegetable whole wheat pita with mystery sauce was done- Who eats this stuff? - I logged onto Facebook, checking messages. I responded back to the guys who asked me to go out saying I would, but told Ben that I could go out, just couldn’t drink much- that I was training for a marathon with Brian. I wrote back to Amanda also saying that I couldn’t go drinking, but we could definitely go for manis, pedis and manhunt. And then I realized, surprised, that Ryan left a comment. Worst part, it was a weird comment. It was just an emoticon, a smiley face. What did that mean? Who wrote things like that- a guy leaving a smiley face underneath his ex’s comment that she was now dating again, especially when it was not an amicable break? What a dou
chebag! Disgusted, I checked out Brian’s page- sports central- blah, and left him a message: My head is pounding and it’s all your fault. Jerk. See you tomorrow morning?