Winning Back Ryan

by S. L. Siwik

  At the salon, while I went through a chemical relaxing- it wasn’t a relaxing process at all- a cut, and some subtle caramel highlights, I learned all about Max’s real gay life, and his quest to find ‘the One,’ and his serious crush on his married boss.

  Hours of chatting later, Max and I were two blocks away at a lingerie shop. I asked him if I could just wear something I had just purchased, and he shook his head. He said it had to be something new. When I complained that the bustier Max held up looked too uncomfortable, he shoved the piece in my face.

  “No pain no gain. Do you want Brian or not?” I was sold on his logic.

  We chatted about everything- why I had behaved decently towards Ryan the night before- that my guilt was eating me that Ryan was right. I had wanted Brian for a little too long. I couldn’t pinpoint down exactly when it happened- I tried to all day at work- but it made me wonder why it happened. Was it saying that subconsciously I thought something was missing from Ryan’s and my relationship? Or was it because I simply thought Brian was a better fit? I still felt crappy about it, and I worried if Brian would wonder if we started a relationship that I’d fall for one of my other male friends. And what exactly were we? How does one transition from platonic friends to more? Are there rules or guidelines to this? Do’s and don’ts?

  Needless to say, my head was a mess.

  When I kissed Robert, my new stylist, goodbye, I boarded a train back home. Several blocks later, I was at home relieved to find it empty as I changed into the outfit, put high black leather heels on, and took my coat out. Applying make-up, I smiled in the mirror. My hair really looks outrageously good. It should for what I paid for it. I wore the bustier Max picked out in a store underneath my trench coat, thigh-high stockings with pink lace boy shorts, garter belt, and heels. Locking up the apartment, I headed towards Brian’s.

  **

  I stood in Brian’s hallway for a solid five minutes, trying to gather courage. Finally, I rang his doorbell, trying to keep my hands from shaking. Should I put them in my pockets? Clasped them behind my back? As I tried to decide, the door opened. Brian stood there in basketball shorts and a white undershirt staring at me. He looked so hurt and angry. I felt like even more of a jerk, and this whole idea seemed so stupid now. I wanted to turn and run, but I realized that would be worse. Wasn’t that why he was mad at me in the first place? Making the same mistake twice wouldn’t do me any favors. I sighed, steeling my nerves. Only one absurd plan left. This was either going to work out well, or be disastrous. Go big or go home, right?

  “Hey. Can we talk?” I asked.

  He avoided my gaze. “Now’s not a good time. I’m really tired. I have work early tomorrow.”

  “I know you’re angry. You have every right to be. Please let me explain,” I said.

  “How was your date with Max?” he asked.

  “It was not what I expected to say the least. There’s going to be some gossip going around that we’re in a relationship. I want to tell you that it’s not true, but I’d appreciate if you went along with the lie for a little bit.” He looked at me strangely. “It just turned out to be a mutually beneficial situation to spread that lie.”

  “I already heard it,” he said.

  “Really? Wow. Well, now you know the truth,” I said stepping into the apartment.

  “Why are you wearing a coat, and why is your hair straight?” he asked, looking me over.

  “Max and I got our hair done today,” I said and his eyebrow quirked. “Nevermind.” Here goes nothing. “I want to tell you how sorry I am for what I did.” As I began talking, I unbuttoned my coat. “I want to explain why I did it, and where I’d like us to go from here.” I yanked the coat open, his eyes going wide. I took the jacket off, tossing it onto his kitchen counter. I walked over to him, my hand sliding down his pants. “But, I want to start off by saying that I’ve been thinking about you all day. I’ve really missed you.”

  His mouth hung open in shock as I began massaging the tip of his penis with my fingertips. His eyes jumped around, looking at my hair, my eyes, my lips, my breasts, my outfit, and my hands. They didn’t seem to know where to settle. I yanked his pants down, and I knelt down, taking him into me.

  “Annie, we can’t be doing this right now.”

  “Give me one good reason,” I said before taking him fully into my mouth.

  “Oh fuck,” he shouted, his hands twining through my hair.

  I slid him out of my mouth, flicking my tongue against his tip before sliding him back in.

  “Annie, we really can’t do this right now,” he gasped. He was hardening in my hand so beautifully that I couldn’t stop. What an ego boost.

  I wrapped my hand around the base of his penis stroking while still sucking.

  “Holy Shit!” His scream was deafening. “Annie, we have to-” When I looked up, I found his eyes on mine; I smiled, knowing that he had been watching me. I flicked my tongue against his tip again to watch his reaction.

  “Brian, are we going to watch the movie now or not?” I heard a feminine voice ask from behind me.

  I turned around with Brian’s now erect penis in hand, staring at an open mouthed Amanda Giles. “Amanda, how are you?”

  I released Brian, standing up in front of him as he pulled his shorts up.

  “Not as good as you,” she replied, giggling. I knew I could either run, or just shamelessly own the situation. I decided the latter. I was the whore of the month, after all.

  “Yeah, it was pretty hot out. So, I decided to wear a little less,” I replied casually, smoothing out my hair.

  “I see.” She held back a laugh.

  “What are you doing here? I remember the way you used to look at Brian during our classes.” The ugly jealousy sprayed out of my mouth without thought.

  “Annie,” Brian said, his arm moving to my shoulder.

  “Where do you get off snapping at me?” she shouted. “You’re in a relationship with Max. Now you show up for Brian, and I’m the one who’s done something wrong?”

  This reminded me of the night with Ryan far too much, and now I was out for blood.

  “This is none of your damn business.”

  She scoffed. “I was here when we saw Max’s Facebook status changed to in a relationship with Anne Watson. Then he wrote a post about how crazy he was about you and how wonderful your date was with him. Brian was heartbroken.” I couldn’t help but smile momentarily that Max said we had a great date, until the rest of her words broke through my mind. I turned towards Brian, who was frowning, looking down. My hand moved to his jaw, forcing him to meet my gaze.

  “You should know better,” I whispered. His brows knitted together. I could see he didn’t understand, so I placed his hand on my chest, feeling my ragged heartbeat. “After what I just went through with Ryan, how could you think I could do that to you?”

  “You left,” he whispered.

  “So, you move on to her?” I asked, still angry. He shook his head, and I scoffed. “She came out of your bedroom, Brian.”

  “She went to the bathroom,” he explained with sad eyes.

  “You were about to watch a movie. That’s code for making out. Remember our first date?”

  “So what if we made out? I would have made him forget all about you,” Amanda yelled. It was the wrong thing to say to me at that moment.

  I turned towards Brian, blatantly ignoring Amanda.

  “I need to leave, or I’m going to kill her.”

  I walked over, grabbing my coat.

  “Wait!” Brian called out. “Amanda, thanks for coming by, but I need to speak with Annie.”

  She scoffed at Brian. “You’re going to pick her over me?” He nodded. “Fine!” she shouted, picking up her purse, storming out of the room. “Whore!” She charged past me.

  “You have a little powder on your nose, cokehead,” I snapped back. She stared at me indignantly before storming out. During our sophomore year she had a real problem with the drug. She swore up and down that
she was clean now, though. There was nothing like rubbing that weakness in your opponent’s face, though, right? I did not feel an ounce of mercy for my friend at that moment.

  Brian closed the door, turning around, staring at me.

  “You have some explaining to do.”

  “So do you,” I snapped. “I thought you were better than Ryan. You’re just the same.”

  He charged towards me, furious.

  “How can you compare me to him?”

  “Because it felt the same inside when I saw her come out of your room,” I told him.

  I kicked my heels off, placed my jacket down, and walked to the center of the living room.

  “Let’s go. Me and you. We’ll settle this now.”

  He walked over, nodding. Our eyes watched each other, our knees bent, as we circled each other.

  “Have you slept with her?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “When?” I knew in my heart that if he told me today or yesterday I would have walked out that door and never came back.

  “Third year,” he said, “A few months after you started dating Ryan.”

  “And since then?” I asked. He shook his head, never leaving my eyes.

  “That’s disgusting, and you’re disgusting for doing that with that druggie. Did you plan on sleeping with her tonight?” I asked. I was not sure why I was doing this to myself. No good could come from this.

  “Annie, she’s been clean for years,” he said.

  “That’s what she tells you!” I shouted. “How do we know?” He frowned, deciding to take another route. It was clear he really didn’t care to talk about Amanda.

  “Why is Max telling people that you’re with him, yet you’re saying you’re not?” he asked, ignoring my question completely.

  “I’m telling you that I didn’t actually have sex with him. I want everyone else to believe that we did, though. I’m doing him a favor. He’s trying to make an ex jealous. He was supposed to call you and tell you that it wasn’t true.” My explanation was a lie, but I didn’t want to betray Max, yet I didn’t want to hurt Brian. Besides, the actual truth was far more innocent than the lie that I was telling.

  “You didn’t kiss, didn’t do anything?” he asked me.

  “How could we when I talked about you all night?” I asked.

  “What were you talking about?” We continued circling each other.

  “What’s happening between us, how I feel about you, stuff that was going through my mind.”

  He paused for a moment, contemplating my words and I used the opportunity to run into him. I was like a linebacker in pink lingerie taking him down.

  “You left!” he shouted as his back hit the ground.

  “I was embarrassed. I thought we weren’t able to…you know, because of me. I thought I was the reason. I was too ashamed to face you the next day. So, I split for some time to get my head together.”

  “How could you think that?” he shouted, blocking a punch, grabbing my hand in his.

  “I have issues! You know this! I have issues with my body and my inexperience. We went over all of this when I thought you were just ‘Brian, my friend’.” I struggled in vain to pull my hand out of his grip.

  Brian looked furious and sad at the same time.

  “What has he done to you?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.” It was the most honest answer that I could come up with. I questioned who had done more damage- Did I mess Ryan up worse with my latent feelings for Brian or was I more messed up from everything he had done to me? “Did we ruin our relationships with our friendship?” I asked and Brian didn’t struggle to pull out from underneath me.

  “I think so,” he answered honestly. He now clasped my other hand in his.

  “Was I an issue between you and Amber?” I asked, now realizing that I was lying on top of him, our faces inches apart.

  He nodded. “You were a big fight we always had because I wouldn’t end our friendship.”

  “There’s no going back, is there?” I whispered. Brian shook his head.

  “Annie, what is there to go back to? It’s the same as it was before. The only difference now is that the truth is out. This was bound to happen. No guy will be secure dating a woman who has a straight male best friend. This will always be a problem.” I had already started to ponder this. It was why I want to be better friends with Max- gay men must be an exception to the rule.

  “It’s really the end then,” I murmured. I wanted to cry hysterically, feeling like I had just lost five incredible years.

  “It doesn’t have to be the end of anything,” he said quietly. He flipped me, staring into my eyes. “You’re not ready for this.”

  He deserved honesty. “I think my behavior the last couple of days are testament to that. I need to heal; I need to figure out who I am and what I need. When I have that all figured out, then I can figure out what you need. You deserve all of me at my best, not just the unbroken pieces at my worst.”

  I saw resignation in his eyes. He frowned, but he knew I told the truth. I just called a female friend of ours horrendously nasty names because she was in Brian’s apartment. I was totally out of line, not to mention I had no idea if she’d forgive me.

  My voice dropped low as I admitted, “I want you, though.” His eyes lingered on my lips before finally meeting my gaze. “I don’t know how long this will take. I’ve never had my heart broken. I can’t expect or ask you to wait for me while I get my act together. Just know that I want you.” I silently plead for him to not parade women that he would sleep with under my nose. It was clear my limits weren’t high anymore for what I could handle seeing.

  Brian stood up, his eyes roaming from my face down to my toes.

  “If you’re sleeping over, I’ll give you some clothes to wear. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, because you look too damn good to resist.”

  I smiled nervously as he started walking towards his closet, turning around and taking one more peek. After handing me navy blue sweatpants and a t-shirt, I asked, “So, if I’m wearing this tonight, why can’t you sleep in the bed?”

  “Because…” I raised my brow, waiting. “Because I’m still pissed at you even though I’m turned on right now. I’m pissed at myself for being turned on by you. I mean…you just jumped me in my doorway. That is the hottest thing that I have ever seen…even if you weren’t wearing….” He gestured towards my lingerie. “All of that. Then you act violently jealous of Amanda.” He glanced up at the ceiling, biting his lower lip hard. “I nearly came from that alone.”

  “Really? That turned you on showing up in lingerie?” I asked.

  Laughing, he nodded. “You have no idea. I will be thinking about that moment for years to come.”

  I beamed at his words. “I insist on taking your couch,” I said. He shook his head. I threw myself onto his sofa, lingerie still on, sweat pants in hand. “I’m not moving.”

  “I’ll make you move,” he said before picking me up. Our faces were close, our lips inches apart. I let out a ragged breath as we stared at each other. I watched the green in his eyes morph from hard rocks to liquid pools. After some time he said, “I suppose we can both sleep in the bed tonight.” I smiled back widely as he carried me into his room.