Winning Back Ryan

by S. L. Siwik

  “I’m on a train in N.Y.C.,” I said. All of those mind eraser shots were doing their job, and I was not exactly sure how I ended up there, wherever there was. Ben sat next to me, though, so I was pretty sure everything was alright.

  “Why are you in New York?” he asked, annoyance still ringing clearly in his voice.

  “Ben and I are going out to get something to eat. Then I’m going to his house,” I said venomously.

  “Why are you doing that?” he sounded absolutely furious. “I thought you and I were trying to work on getting together.”

  “Really? When were we supposed to do that? After you fucked that whore?” I shouted into the phone. I realized a woman was gasping at me from another seat, and I gave a quick apology, mouthing, “I’m so sorry,” before hearing Brian say, “Annie, nothing is going to happen with Ashley. She’s my boss’s daughter; she’s just a friend.”

  “Brian, let me put it to you simply. I don’t want you to have friends like her, and you should have called me and told me that she would be there. I’ve never even heard of her before and yet she knows an awful lot about my life,” I argued back.

  “Annie, I don’t understand what you want. You’re on a date with Ben, you have Max’s hand on your thigh, you’re shouting at me for dancing with a girl. You told me you needed space and time, so I give it to you. Now you’re shouting at me for giving it to you.”

  I cringed as his words set in. I forgot that Max and I were supposedly dating. It was hard work keeping track of my fake boyfriends.

  “I’m already ready. You just haven’t closed the deal yet,” I spat.

  “You said you weren’t ready. You needed time,” he said exasperated.

  “It’s an excuse! I’m waiting for you to give me a reason to say, ‘Ryan who?’ Tell me why you haven’t asked me out on a date, or why we haven’t had sex yet.”

  “Because…” he trailed off.

  “Yeah, there you go. It makes me question the sincerity of your words, or if you realized that after fantasizing what it would be like to be with me for the last five years reality isn’t living up to the expectation and now you’re bailing.”

  “How could you think that?” he shouted into the phone.

  “How could I not?” I asked. “You see me every single day, Brian, which means you have a chance every day of getting me into bed. Yet you haven’t taken it.”

  “Annie, you’re drunk. Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” he said.

  “Why don’t you just go enjoy Ashley!” I screamed into the phone.

  “I haven’t tried harder with you because of the guilt that I feel!” he shouted back. “I’m the one who set up for that girl to be there the night that you caught Ryan. She’s a honeypot. George, Ben, and I paid her to seduce Ryan, collect information from him, and sleep with him. Then after you caught them she wasn’t to harm you even if you attacked her. She was to protect you as well in case Ryan attacked you; she’s actually a black belt in karate.”

  “Why?” was the only thing that came out of my mouth.

  “Annie, we knew that if we told you about Ryan cheating, you wouldn’t believe us. We also knew that if we insisted, you may have cut us out of your lives and pick Ryan. We couldn’t let that happen, Annie. He’s abusive, controlling, and manipulative. You deserve better. The girl’s name is Claudia. She’s actually very nice. She gave us a lot of information on what Ryan was up to. I don’t regret doing it, Annie, despite how guilty I feel.”

  “Drop dead. All of you,” I said into the phone barely above a whisper.

  “Give me the phone,” Ben said. He wrestled it out of my hands. “Brian, it’s Ben. She’s fine. We’re just going to get some food and she can crash at my place until she sobers up. She’s just jealous and hurt. Well, you need to tell her that tomorrow, don’t you? Don’t be an idiot and screw this up.” He hung up the call, handing me back the phone.

  “Calm down, wild girl. We’ll be in the city in about five minutes,” he said.

  I turned towards him and slapped him across the face with all of my might.

  “What was that for?” he asked.

  “You know damn well what that was for!” I spat back.

  He took a long breath. “Claudia.”

  I stood up, pulling the chain that I wanted to stop at the next exit. As the train began slowing down I held on tightly to the rail.

  “Where are you going?” Ben asked as I stepped onto the platform. I shrugged as I kept walking. “Are you going to make me chase you all across New York?”

  “You can do whatever you want, Ben. I don’t care what you do,” I shouted over my shoulder. I had no idea where I was going.

  I made my way down the stairs as he followed behind me. “You are going to drive me crazy, Princess.”

  I didn’t answer as I stepped out onto the street. I glanced around, having no idea where I was. In front of me, though, stood a dollar store. I walked quickly across the street towards the place. I heard him jog behind me to catch up, the change in his pocket jingling from the movement.

  Walking into the store, I picked up a basket, walking to the back of the store. “Why are you still here?” I asked angrily.

  “Because you always get lost wherever you go and now you’re drunk. So, if I leave, you’re just going to call me in a few hours to come find you anyways.” I scoffed at his words. “Plus, you look beautiful tonight. You can’t be walking around alone in that dress. I won’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to you.”

  I softened at his words. “Alright, then help me.”

  He smiled brightly knowing his words had their intended affect. “What are we doing?”

  “Find the largest ceramics that you can. Doesn’t matter what they are. Just find the biggest ones,” I explained before pausing for a moment. “Unless you find clowns. Put them in immediately. Scary fuckers.”

  “May I ask why?”

  “Um…” Why was I doing this again? “I’m not sure.”

  A while later, I staggered towards the cashier.

  “Thirty ceramics,” I told him. He looked down at the basket, then back up at me.

  “You know,” I said with glazed eyes to Ben. “It would really be easier if we could take the basket with us, too.”

  He rolled his eyes, then pulled out his wallet. “I’ll give you fifty bucks to let her just take this nonsense out of the store.”

  The man looked at us, then at the basket, then back at Ben, nodding his head. Ben handed him the fifty, and I told the clerk to have a nice night. I staggered to the door, and Ben opened it while I spilled out onto the sidewalk. I began walking in a random direction with Ben at my side.

  “What are we doing exactly?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure,” I admitted. I glanced down now at my purchases that had seemed like a fantastic idea ten minutes ago. “Maybe we could go paint them, or glue the clown’s faces together. I’m not sure. You’re the artist. What do you think?”

  He shook his head, laughing. “I have a better idea.”

  **

  Four blocks later, we stood beneath an overpass.

  “Okay, so we’re staring at a concrete wall. Now what?” I asked Ben. My arm was on his shoulder to help steady me.

  “Now we throw them. Especially the clown ones.” I blinked, staring at him in shock. “See like this.”

  He threw the first ceramic figurine in the basket at the wall. It made a loud shattering sound as it broke into a million pieces.

  I picked one up and did as he had, throwing it with all of my might. It made the same shattering noise when it hit the wall and broke. I laughed loudly, howling into the night with my arms raised in victory. It felt absolutely exhilarating to release all of this pent up frustration and anger. Ben chuckled at my reaction. He picked up another figurine throwing it hard into the wall.

  “Wow. You’ve got quite an arm,” I complimented.

  Ben glanced at me. “And you know about arms?”

  I shrugged. “I
should. I was friends with quite a few guys from the high school baseball team back in Ohio.” Before he could open his mouth, I added, “Just friends.”

  He bit back a laugh. “Clearly.” He picked up another statue. “So, have you always surrounded yourself with males?” He asked as he tossed the next ceramic.

  “I grew up with an older brother whom I idolized. What do you think?” I reveled at the sound of the shattering ceramic. “I grew up in a tiny town where everyone knew everyone from birth. Sluts were labeled as sluts, football gods were labeled as such. You were pigeonholed into some category, and that’s where you stayed. There was no redeeming yourself, no trying to start over. You were who they thought you were.”

  “And who were you?” he asked.

  “Annie, the girl every guy wanted to be friends with, but no one ever wanted to date. And if you looked at me like you were even remotely interested in taking me out, either my father would beat you with the Bible or my brother and his soccer buddies would put the fear of God back in you.” I took an overly dramatic bow. “Pleasure to meet you.”

  “And so you came to New York for a fresh start,” he surmised.

  I pointed my finger at him, smirking. “You’re a lot smarter than they say.” I threw a figurine of two dolphins kissing straight into the cement block. When I heard a loud horn honk, I checked both ways to make sure no cars were coming. There was no one around, though. The streets were empty as I realized we were near an abandoned factory.

  “And you wound up with four male friends.” He laughed.

  “Old habits are hard to break. It’s a lot easier to be the loyal friend than the sexpot.” I leaned over whispering, “I’m kind of clumsy and get lost in a circle.”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” His eyes moved over me appraisingly. “I think you’ve got sexy down.”

  “Hey now.” I pointed my finger at him. “I thought you couldn’t talk to me that way. I’m supposedly Brian’s girl.”

  “I can’t touch you, or date you, or be with you. But, I can occasionally tell you that you’re sexy. Because you are, especially when you don’t even know, or aren’t even trying to be.”

  I glanced at him, blinking. “You make no sense.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “We just have a…strange friendship.” He sighed, picking up another ceramic from the shopping basket. “I do know a thing or two about people deciding who you are for you, though, being pigeonholed by a past you had nothing to do with.”

  I glanced over at him as he hid his emotions well, his face stoic.

  “Yeah,” I replied softly, “I suppose you would know a thing or two about that.” We both tossed a ceramic hard at the same time, releasing our pent up frustration. I sighed, trying to explain. “I just don’t know how to connect with women. In Ohio, all the girls were jealous of me. I was friends with all the guys that they wanted to date. They thought that gave me some kind of ‘in’. That I was going to sleep with them all. They had no idea how firmly I was in the friend category. I’m just naturally more comfortable around guys. It’s what I’ve grown up with. It’s what I’m used to.”

  I tossed another figurine into the cement overpass right onto the graffiti writing.

  “Do you know what I think? I think you’re not as innocent as you pretend to be.”

  I tried to hide the smile pulling at the corner of my lips. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I think you do,” he insisted, shaking a figurine of two doves at me.

  “Perhaps you’re on to something.”

  “Ahuh. Spill the beans, Princess.” His figurine shattered against the wall.

  I turned towards him fully. “What do you want to know?”

  “The lingerie thing. Why no lingerie? There’s a reason. There must be a reason.”

  I sighed, the warmness from the alcohol reaching my toes. “I supposed you’ve earned that.” Ben waited expectantly. “When Ryan and I first started having sex, I made a deal with his roommate to not come back that night. When I showed up, I was wearing skimpy lingerie, and I…may have done a dance for him using his chair and music.”

  Ben stood there gaping until he finally said, “Holy shit.” I picked up another ceramic and tossed it with all of my might against the wall trying to avoid his gaze. “And?”

  “And when he was drunk one night, he said some nasty comments about it.” I shrugged. “Maybe I’ve been secretly punishing him for it since by wearing ridiculously large, unsexy, cotton briefs.”

  “Did he say asshole things to you often when he was drunk?” he asked, his voice tender.

  “Ryan is a great guy when he’s sober. But, when he drinks, I’ve never met a bigger asshole in my life. It’s as if all the pain, rage, anger, and hatred that he felt or was spewed at him as a child he bottles up and only releases when he drinks.” I glanced down for a moment. “It gets to me.”

  “What did he say to you?” he asked with more force than he probably intended.

  I shook my head. “Enough that it scarred me. Let’s put it this way. Ryan was my first. Is there anything more painful in the world than the person you love, after finally baring yourself to him, essentially telling you that you’re not good enough?”

  “So, why did you stay?” he asked.

  “Because when he sobered up and realized what an asshole he was, he always apologized and said he didn’t mean it. Then, he would let me in and tell me a story about his childhood. There were never any happy stories. I mean some of them were…” I shook my head as a tear ran down my cheek. “I have no idea how he survived, and he normally ended up crying hysterically in my arms. I never was sure if he meant the shit he said when he was drunk or if he just said it to lash out in pain. But, after a while…” I shook my head. “That stuff starts to eat away at even the most confident of people.”

  “Yeah, it does, Princess,” he replied, his voice still tender.

  I sighed. “And here we are.”

  “So what else have you been pretending to be innocent about?” he asked. I rolled my eyes at him. “If you tell me, I’ll buy you dinner.”

  “Alright, you can’t tell him. If you do, I’ll tell Brian you tried to grope me.”

  His eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.”

  I tossed up the figurine in my hand, catching it. “Try me.”

  A mix of desire and appreciation ran through his eyes. “This is why you’re my friend. Very well, Princess, you have my silence.”

  “I told Brian that Ryan had never given me an orgasm.” I smiled widely. “It was a complete lie.”

  His brows knitted together. “Why would you-”

  “Because what guy wants to hear that my ex gave me orgasms so intense that sometimes I shiver just thinking about them? Why else would I put up with Ryan’s crap for so long? Because I knew that whenever we fought, his apologies would make my toes curl.” Ben stood there staring at me blankly. “So, I told a little white lie that Ryan was a shitty lover and I never orgasmed. Now Brian has something to work towards without fear that he’ll never be a better lover than Ryan. Everyone wins.” I bent over picking up another figurine from the basket.

  “You are a fucking evil genius,” Ben finally replied, admiration clear in his voice.

  I bowed again. “Thank you.”