You Think You Know Me

by Clare Chase

  I knew she was right really. I should have been pushing more, networking, knocking on people’s doors. ‘I don’t find it that easy, thrusting myself forward and bullying people into taking my pieces or letting me interview them,’ I said, feeling small.

  ‘Well of course not,’ said Alicia. ‘It’s not easy, that’s why. So what are you going to do about it? Just give in?’

  As a matter of fact, I realised that was part of the appeal of Seb’s job offer. I could just give in. I’d be able to write brochures, and interview his artists and so on, without having to go out and sell myself at all. Alicia wouldn’t like that though.

  ‘Actually,’ I said, thinking of how to put the best spin on his offer, ‘it’s possible that if I took this job, I’d increase my contacts.’

  ‘Well that sounds brilliant,’ said Sally.

  I smiled gratefully at her, without knowing quite what I was up to. I wasn’t actually convinced taking the job was the best move. And I would be throwing away my pursuit of journalism at the sharp end. I might get cushy security, but I probably wouldn’t end up feeling as proud of myself as I would if I decided to go it alone.

  Alicia clearly needed more convincing too. ‘Where is this job, anyway?’ she said, as the waiter set down our food.

  ‘Um, at Seb’s gallery,’ I said.

  ‘What!’ The word was like a pistol shot.

  Sally looked up expectantly. ‘Is that bad?’

  Alicia folded her arms and gave me a meaningful look.

  ‘Alicia doesn’t really approve of Seb,’ I said.

  ‘But don’t you do all his catering?’ Sally asked, taking a bit of pain au chocolat from her basket.

  ‘That’s business,’ said Alicia. ‘I’m sure you don’t like all the people whose feet you de-scale, do you?’

  Sally laughed.

  ‘Alicia got the gallery work through Seb’s ex-wife, Mel,’ I said. ‘And since they’ve remained friends she came in for all the gory details about his shortcomings when they broke up.’

  ‘What she told me wasn’t just to do with their married life,’ Alicia said. ‘They were business partners for years too, don’t forget. And he had a ruthless reputation even before that. There was all that hoo-ha at university with his tutor.’

  I cut in. ‘That was absolute rubbish.’

  ‘Sure?’ She put down the bit of baguette she’d been about to eat. ‘Anyway, that’s beside the point. Let me warn you now, Anna, that it’s the gallery and business all the way with him. He may be an old friend, but his work interests will always come first.’

  ‘Well it would be work I’m joining him for, not anything else,’ I said as soon as her mouth was full again, ‘so that should be a good thing. Besides, I thought you’d approve of his single-minded approach.’

  I paused to take another sip of my cappuccino. ‘And although I’m sure you’re right about his dedication, Alicia, I have managed to negotiate a couple of concessions out of him that will apply if I do take the job.’ Okay, so I hadn’t really had to negotiate, but it sounded better that way. ‘If a good freelance opportunity comes up I can take unpaid leave to pursue it.’ I didn’t mention the little caveat about this being okay, so long as it didn’t interfere too much with gallery work.

  ‘Hmm,’ Alicia said, her eyes boring into mine. ‘It’ll be interesting to see that work in practice. And not that many great freelance opportunities will come up, if you’re not even going to be out looking for them. So what was the second concession then?’

  ‘That I can start on a temporary contract and see how I go. If it doesn’t suit me I can drop the whole thing after four months.’

  ‘Oh great,’ said Alicia, breaking another bit of baguette off violently, so that crumbs sprayed over the table. ‘And meaning that if he doesn’t need you at that point he can also let you go without any compensation.’

  ‘To be fair,’ said Sally, ‘it would be usual to have a no-strings probationary period anyway, so Anna wouldn’t be worse off at the gallery than anywhere else.’

  ‘It’s very odd that he suddenly wants you there, I must say,’ Alicia went on relentlessly.

  ‘Something cropped up recently that made him realise he didn’t want to cut off all his old friends,’ I said.

  ‘Well it’s certainly about time he came to his senses on that score, but it doesn’t mean he has to employ you all.’ She sipped her coffee. ‘Why now, I wonder? You can bet it won’t be for sentimental reasons.’

  ‘Why was he going to cut off all his old friends in the first place?’ Sally asked.

  ‘Not now, Sally!’ Alicia said sharply.

  Sally stuck her tongue out at her as she turned back to me again.

  ‘Long story,’ I said. ‘I’ll tell you later.’

  ‘Good.’

  Turning back to Alicia, I said, ‘Okay, so he doesn’t want me to go and work with him for sentimental reasons – well that’s good, isn’t it? Sentimental reasons would be a dreadful basis on which to appoint me. The alternative is that he really does need someone, and because I’ve been doing the Shakespeare stuff I sprang to mind. I’m available and convenient and I’ve got roughly the experience he needs. That’s not so awful is it?’ I could see she wasn’t going to give any ground. ‘And there would be lots of advantages,’ I went on. ‘I’d have a regular income, something good to go on my CV, lots of contacts in the arts world …’

  Alicia cut across me. ‘I’m surprised he wouldn’t want someone with a degree in art or art history, under the circumstances.’

  It occurred to me at that point that I might be able to afford to move out of her house if I took the job.

  She looked at me and shook her head as though I was the most witless person in a classroom full of dense people. ‘Never mix business and friendship, Anna,’ she said. ‘I would have thought what Mel went through would have convinced you of that.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  By the time we left Café Rouge the fine rain had turned heavy so I decided to give the walk on the Heath a miss. It wouldn’t have helped by that stage anyway. I was so cross with Alicia that I almost wanted to ring Seb and accept the job straight away, just to spite her.

  I thought Sally might follow me back to my room, to sympathise, but in fact she headed down to the basement. Alicia said she needed to get on with some accounts, so I went upstairs on my own, ready to gnash my teeth in solitude, but it was only twenty minutes before there was a knock at my door.

  ‘Thought I’d better wait until she’d got ensconced with her paperwork,’ Sally said, coming in. ‘If I’d come up straight away she’d probably have followed me.’

  I laughed. ‘Thanks for trying to pick holes in her arguments.’

  ‘Hey, that’s no problem. It’s instinctive really, isn’t it?’ She walked in and sank down into an easy chair. ‘I’m mystified though.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, you seem pretty keen on the idea of the job, so why all the agonising? And why did you let Alicia stick her beak in?’

  ‘Did I let her? I thought she just sort of foisted her opinions on me.’

  Sally smiled. ‘Seriously though, why not just go for it if it fits the bill? You’re not really bothered about what Alicia thinks, are you?’

  I sighed. ‘Not unless she’s right.’

  ‘Oh, I see. So you think there’s something in what she’s been saying?’

  ‘I have got some of the same worries.’

  ‘Did this Seb guy really treat his wife badly?’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know, to be honest. She certainly does seem quite bitter from what Alicia says, but as far as I know he’s made all the right provisions financially. In fact, I got the impression he’d done more than he needed to. And I actually thought the split had been her decision too.’

  ‘Hmm. Sounds odd,’ said Sally. ‘And what was all that about the upset with his tutor?’

  His tutor had been that same professor I’d mentioned to Darrick. Perhaps he might have regretted ha
nging out with the students by the time the rumours hit …

  I focused back on Sally’s questioning face. ‘Oh just old tittle-tattle.’ I’d begun to wish I’d never told Alicia about it. ‘When Seb got a first at university, the whisper went round that he’d blackmailed him.’

  ‘Really?’ said Sally, sitting forward in her chair. ‘Wow, you do provide good gossip, you know.’

  ‘Delighted to oblige,’ I said wryly. ‘The story was that he’d sold the tutor drugs, and that he was therefore able to exert some pressure to improve his chances of getting top marks, but it was rubbish really.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Definitely. It’s true Seb missed a lot of lectures, and he was always late with handing in his essays, but he didn’t need blackmail to get him through. He was just one of those people who was clever enough to get by without working hard.’

  ‘Sounds like quite a bloke. So who started the rumours then?’

  I shrugged. ‘He did put some people’s backs up. I think he made them jealous, to be honest. He was in with everyone, had lots of girlfriends, mainlined on wild parties and drugs … And you know how annoying it is when someone does well without even trying.’

  Sally nodded.

  ‘But, speaking of annoying people, Alicia’s still quite right. I won’t really be able to pursue my freelance career if I’ve got some high-powered job at Seb’s place.’

  ‘Would it be high-powered then?’

  ‘Well, it’s got a posh title.’

  She raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Communications director,’ I supplied.

  ‘Wow! That sounds good.’

  ‘Sounds a bit scary.’

  ‘So it’s scary and it affects your freelance plans,’ said Sally, itemising my reservations on her fingers. ‘Any other downsides?’

  ‘It’s true that working with friends can put pressure on your relationship.’

  She counted off a third finger. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there?’

  There was. For me it was sitting there larger than all of the other items put together: Darrick wouldn’t like it. Whether it really was down to jealousy, or whether there was another reason, I was quite sure he would hate the idea. After my Google search, I knew I shouldn’t care. Talk about not owing him anything. But it wasn’t about owing him. It was the way he made me feel. I pushed the thought aside. It was crazy.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘That’s probably about it really.’

  ‘So what’s he like, Seb Rice?’

  I walked over to my bookshelf and took down an old photo album. ‘He’s very driven,’ I said. ‘Passionate about his work, and well,’ I paused, ‘passionate about everything else too.’ Sally gave me a look and I rolled my eyes. ‘In a focused way; not in the way you’re thinking.’ I turned to the album, flicking through the pages of photos from my sixth form to get onto the university ones. ‘Here he is.’

  ‘Dishy,’ she said, looking up at me. ‘Did you fancy him when you first got to uni? I bet you did!’

  ‘If I did, I wasn’t alone. He was sought after.’

  ‘I can imagine. So what about all that you and Alicia were saying about him cutting off his old friends?’

  I turned more pages of the album, until I found one of Seb and Julia.

  ‘Wow,’ Sally said. ‘Who’s she? She’s gorgeous.’

  ‘The first girl Seb was really serious about, in the time I knew him,’ I said, and explained what had happened to her.

  Sally put her hands up to her mouth. ‘God how awful. The poor, poor man. He must have felt so guilty as well. I mean, if he’d been planning to go up and see her the weekend it happened, and then he’d called it off because of work.’

  ‘I think after that he decided never to get that close to anyone again. I suspect the Mel thing was a distraction, but that his feelings for her were never as intense. Maybe that’s what made her leave him in the end. She knew he’d never love her as much as he’d loved Julia. I get the impression he keeps all relationships at surface level now. There’s always a reserve in his manner, at least on the rare occasions I see him.’ In spite of his moves to make things up to me, that was how his approach at the restaurant had seemed too, I realised. There was something clinical about it, the scene carefully acted out, all planned, with no loss of control.

  ‘But you and Alicia were talking about his university friends especially?’

  I nodded.

  ‘That seems a bit weird.’

  ‘Alicia thinks so,’ I said. ‘It’s one of the reasons she doesn’t like him. She’s very hard-nosed about personal tragedy. She doesn’t believe he avoids us because of what happened when we were all together. She reckons we started to bore him.’

  ‘On the one hand that sounds a bit harsh but …’

  ‘But you think his reaction’s extreme, if it is just due to the fact that we bring back memories?’

  ‘After so many years, it does seem a bit surprising. Not that I’m grudging him any feelings he wants to have, given what happened.’

  I got up. ‘Is it too soon for more coffee?’

  She shook her head and I went to fill the kettle from my basin, edging it sideways to jam it under the mixer tap. Whilst I waited for it to boil I wondered how to answer Sally. She had a reasonable enough point.

  ‘I think it was to do with what happened just after Julia died,’ I said, bringing over a mug of coffee for each of us. ‘You see, Seb had no role to play. Julia had no immediate family; almost no family at all in fact. She’d really been existing up there in Cumbria in total isolation, apart from when he was with her. So when she killed herself, there was no one for Seb to go and talk to up there, no one he could support, or be supported by.

  ‘The old guy who was the executor of her parents’ will reappeared, and sorted out paperwork and dealt with the police. And of course Seb had to give evidence and everything too. Julia had some aunt up in Scotland, and I think she might have made contact with Seb to commiserate, but other than that he was suddenly totally cut off.’

  ‘So what did he do with himself?’

  ‘He went between us, the university gang, one after another. He got totally manic: couldn’t stay in one place for more than a day or two at a time.’ I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. ‘It was awful. He was searching for solace, but there was none to find.’

  Sally came and put an arm round my shoulder.

  ‘So now, we’re all a big part of those very worst memories,’ I finished.

  I couldn’t tell her the whole truth – I’d never told anyone – but memories came flooding back to me now, with horrible clarity. Seb arriving, doped up on whatever he’d taken and crying, holding me tight and looking for that way out that he had so wanted. And I had tried to give it to him. It didn’t seem wrong at the time. Our affair – if you could even call it that – had only lasted for a few days. He had remained largely drunk and incoherent, as though he’d shut down and wasn’t allowing the real world in any more.

  And then suddenly he seemed to come to again, and I could see the torment in his eyes when he looked at me. I was disgusted with myself.

  Was Seb really going to put that behind him at last? And if so, my mind followed Alicia’s train of thought, why now? One thing was certain, if I was going to go and work with him, it wasn’t just him who would have to deal with old memories. I really didn’t know if I could do it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I stayed up late that night. Darrick sent me a text in the early evening, saying he’d been called away, but that he wanted to see me. He said he’d ring on Sunday. His sudden appearance in note form on my phone shattered any shreds of composure that might have been quietly gathering themselves together. How could I make him tell me the truth when he called? A nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I shouldn’t even give him the chance to try. If I couldn’t Google him successfully, maybe I still didn’t have his correct name, let alone accuracy on lesser matters, like his job.

  Then at
eight, Seb emailed. ‘Not hassling you,’ the message read, ‘but I realised I hadn’t even mentioned salary. Does £60K sound OK? Hope to speak to you soon, S xxx’

  Sixty bloody thousand. He had to be joking. I wasn’t the sort of person who got paid that kind of money.

  Thoughts overlaid one another in confusing patterns. With that sort of salary I could definitely move out and I wouldn’t have to worry about chasing work. What’s more, the job ought to be interesting and it would be fun to belong somewhere.

  But then the negative thoughts flooded back in. On top of the objections I’d itemised to Sally, I had a nasty feeling the rest of the gallery staff would feel nepotism was at the root of my appointment.

  On Sunday morning I called reinforcements.

  ‘You’re not at the restaurant or anything?’ I said.

  ‘Naaah,’ said Terry. ‘Other people do the opening up these days, you know that.’

  ‘Oh good.’

  ‘Actually I was just having breakfast in bed.’

  ‘Oh God! I’m sorry.’

  ‘You are so easy to wind up, Anna Morris,’ he said, laughing. ‘Just tell me what’s on your mind.’

  And so I did. Of course, he gave his advice without knowing the full extent of what had happened between me and Seb, but it still seemed to make sense.

  ‘I need hardly say that you must ignore Alicia,’ he said. ‘But when all’s said and done, if you do take the job, you can always do what Seb said, and jack it in again after four months if you hate it.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I said.

  ‘The main thing is to keep up with your journalism in the meantime,’ he went on. ‘Just for those four months, really reach out for anything that’s going, even if you have to work all night. Keep up the pressure on that score. That way, if you do decide the gallery’s not for you, you can take up where you left off. And at least you’ll have twenty grand under your belt. That’ll buy you the time to look for more writing work.’