by Sharon Sala
“Good night,” Wyatt said. “Thanks for helping us celebrate our birthday.”
Sophie smiled. “It was my pleasure.” She started toward the door, then stopped and turned around. “You know, Wyatt, there were times when I had my doubts about you, but you’ve turned into quite a nice young man.”
Once she was gone, Wyatt and Ellie looked at each other, then burst into laughter.
“I’m going to jump in the shower,” Wyatt said. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Want to go to church with me?” Ellie asked.
“Sorry, but I’m not that nice.”
Ellie flicked water at him.
He was still laughing when he left her.
Garrett sat in the living room with the uneaten cake in his lap and listened to the chatter coming from the room behind him.
There was a part of him that wondered if this was his penance for what he’d done to Fern. He’d killed to keep his daughter, then ruined everything because of unjustified rage.
He wanted Ellie back, but was beginning to accept that it was never going to happen. Heartsick, he set the cake aside and went to his room.
He paused to lock the door, put one of his favorite tapes into the VCR, crawled up on the bed, and hit Play. When three-year-old Ellie Wayne danced onto the screen in fragile innocence, he took a deep shuddering breath. He watched as she walked toward him. On the screen, he took her tiny hand and put it on what was hanging between his legs. When she looked up, the trust on her face was there for the world to see.
Ellie didn’t know when Garrett had left, but all that mattered was he was gone.
After a thorough sweep of the house, she paused in the hallway by the night light. As she did, she noticed they hadn’t turned the calendar from April to May and stopped to flip the page. She scanned the month, counting down the days until she was officially a high-school graduate.
“Ten more school days and then I’m gone,” Ellie muttered, and started to turn away, when a thought skidded sideways through her mind and struck her dumb.
She grabbed the calendar and flipped back to April.
April Fool’s Day had been the last day of her previous period. Today was May eighth. She’d never been late one day in her life, and now she was ten days late?
The rape.
She moaned. “No. Please God, no.”
“Ellie. I’m out of the shower.” Wyatt’s call, so ordinary in the face of new horror, seemed obscene.
“Yes . . . alright, I’m coming.”
Wyatt was already in his room when she walked in, pausing long enough to lock the door. She got ready for bed on autopilot, turned out the light and crawled between the covers.
The room was quiet.
The night was dark with an absence of moon.
She stared up at the ceiling, unable to form a complete thought.
Chapter Fifteen
Ellie woke up feeling the same way she’d felt the morning after Momma committed suicide. When she’d died, so had Ellie’s hope for rescue. She’d managed to survive by keeping her eye on the future and graduating high school—the one thing that would facilitate her escape.
Then this, with graduation in sight and escape on the horizon . . . She felt like God had slapped her down one more time just to see what would happen. In church, Preacher Ray talked about sacrifices and how during Lent you gave up something you really liked in the spirit of an offering to God. So she skipped breakfast as a sacrificial gesture and slipped off to church before Daddy knew she was gone.
The air felt heavy. Sophie would have called it sultry. Ellie felt like she couldn’t breathe, but that might have been from the panic. When she got to the church, she parked in her usual spot and then sat, watching Preacher Ray shaking hands, just like he did every Sunday. Later, she knew he’d go inside, stand behind the pulpit and lift his arms to heaven, signaling the choir to begin. People would sing and pray to God then go home to Sunday dinner and an afternoon nap. It didn’t seem fair that other people’s lives continued all happy and calm, when someone else’s was coming undone. She waited until nearly everyone was inside then got out and walked toward the church.
Every Sunday since Ellie’s assault, Preacher Ray had kept her in his heart and thoughts. He felt that she was burdened, but she didn’t offer an explanation, or ask for anything more than a prayer, so he continued to pray. It was the least that he could do.
When he saw her coming from the parking lot, his first thought was that someone had died. She walked with slow steps and slumped shoulders—her gaze down at her feet instead of where she was going.
He said a silent prayer for her and then smiled and extended his hand.
“Good morning, Ellie. It’s always a blessing to see your sweet face.”
Ellie clung to his hand like it was her lifeline, then got embarrassed and quickly turned loose. “Preacher Ray, did you pray for me?”
“Why, yes I did, Ellie.”
Her chin quivered slightly, and then she took a deep breath and looked up. “If you don’t mind, would you do it again, only louder? I don’t think God’s paying attention.”
Before he could question her, she moved past him. His heart hurt for the child. He looked toward the parking lot. Her father’s continuing absence seemed strange, but it wasn’t his place to judge.
Ellie moved into the sanctuary, but instead of immediately sitting down, she paused to look down the aisle at the altar and the big statue of Jesus on the cross hanging on the wall behind it.
Blood dripped down his cheek from the crown of thorns, and from his feet and hands that had been nailed to the cross. Ellie studied the expression on his face. He was suffering, just like they said. But what Ellie couldn’t figure out was if He’d died for all their sins so that they could be saved, then why wasn’t someone saving her?
The first notes of organ music sounded, signaling for the services to begin. She slipped into her pew and scooted down to the place where the sun came in. The colors that spilled into her lap seemed sad and faded, partly muted by the haze between earth and sun. Considering she felt sad and faded too, it fit the mood she was in.
The choir began to sing, but Ellie didn’t join in. Instead, she sat with her head down and her eyes closed, willing God to feel her pain—begging Him for mercy—praying with every fiber of her being not to be pregnant with Daddy’s child.
Two hours later, church was over. Ellie slipped out a side door and got into her car. She had one stop she needed to make before she went home for dinner—to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test—but she had to drive to the far side of town where she was unknown. If she went to the pharmacy near her house and any of the girls from high school were working the registers, it would be all over school before she went home tomorrow.
If that wasn’t enough pressure, driving farther would make her later getting home, which would light Daddy’s fuse. As Wyatt would say, she was already fucked, why make a big deal out of a little more?
Garrett had a sausage and rice casserole in the oven that Doris had fixed for them on Friday. He’d made salad and iced tea and got out the leftover birthday cake for dessert. He set the table, put ice in the glasses and then waited.
When she was thirty minutes late, he began to panic. He’d already looked in her room and nothing was missing, although he’d pretty much figured out she wouldn’t bolt until after graduation. But there were accidents happening every day. What if she’d gotten in a wreck? What if she was unconscious and unable to tell anyone who to call? What if she didn’t tell them to call him because of what he had done?
He’d worked himself up into a fine mess by the time she finally got home. When she walked in the house, the first thing out of his mouth was a mistake, but having said it, it was too late to take back.
“Where the hell have you been? I was afraid you’d had an accident.”
Ellie fired back before she thought. “What happened to me was no accident, and the car is fine.”
“What?”<
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“Never mind,” Ellie muttered.
“I made dinner. Are you going to eat?”
“I’ll get a plate after I change.”
“You’re not going to sit at the table with me ever again?”
“Not by choice.”
Garrett’s composure died. “Ellie. Please. Don’t do this.”
She paused at the doorway then turned around. “Hey, Daddy.”
“What?”
“Did you just say, don’t do this?”
“Yes.”
“Did I ever ask you that? Did I ever say, ‘Daddy don’t’?”
He grunted like he’d been punched, then looked away.
“That’s what I thought.”
She walked out, and when she heard the sound of breaking glass behind her, she knew he’d thrown something at the wall. She ran to her bedroom, locking the door behind her. Once inside, she checked to see if Wyatt was around. After seeing she was alone, she went into the bathroom and opened the kit. The directions were simple.
Pee. Drop of urine on the test strip. Spend the longest two minutes of your life waiting to see the result.
Once the procedure had been done, she laid the strip down on the counter and walked out. Her heart was hammering against a racing pulse. It felt as if her body could explode. This was worse than waiting for the monster, worse than the first time Daddy had quit using his fingers, worse than the rape and beating. What if the Devil had planted his seed?
Unaware that her fingers had curled into fists, she started to shake. She looked up at the clock. Another thirty seconds and she’d have an answer.
Breath stopped. The minute hand was moving in slow motion. Twenty seconds. Fifteen seconds. Ten. Five.
She lifted her chin, her voice shaking. “Okay God, it’s me again. I hope You know that if You let me down again, You and I are done.” Ellie shoved her fingers through her hair and went into the bathroom.
A siren sounded somewhere outside the house, then slowly faded. The wind was coming up, like the weather had finally worked itself into a storm.
Ellie flushed the toilet and came out of the bathroom and put on her nightgown.
“Coming in,” Wyatt called out.
Ellie turned around. “Hi.”
“What’s going on?”
The corner of Ellie’s mouth turned down, but just for a moment. “Not much. I’m getting ready for bed.”
“Yeah, me, too. Got a history final this week and then we get to pick up our caps and gowns. Are you excited?”
“Out of my mind.”
“Okay, see you in the morning.”
“Yeah, good night.”
“’Night, Ellie.”
Ellie turned out the light and then crawled into bed. The storm was closer now. Even when she closed her eyes, she could still see the flashes. Thunder rumbled in the distance, then as time passed, came even closer.
She rolled over on her side and pulled the covers up over her head like she used to do when she was little. But Wyatt had his own room now. He wasn’t beneath the covers with her anymore. And no matter how much she squinted, she couldn’t make the lightning look like fireflies. She thought it had something to do with getting older or maybe a loss of innocence and faith.
She heard Wyatt’s footsteps as he passed her bed on the way to the bathroom. “Sorry. I’ll be quiet.”
“It’s okay,” Ellie said.
A few minutes later he passed the bed again. Ellie felt him poke her leg.
“’Night again. Don’t forget to say your prayers.” And then he was gone.
Ellie wanted to cry—really, really wanted to cry but was too numb for tears. She wouldn’t be saying prayers or talking to God ever again.
Chapter Sixteen
Doris was in the kitchen making breakfast when Ellie and Wyatt came in.
“Good morning,” Doris said. “How hungry are you—one egg or two?”
“Toast and juice,” Ellie said.
“Two eggs, scrambled, and thanks,” Wyatt added.
Doris smiled. She’d been feeding the pair for so many years she was somewhat territorial about it now.
“Thank you for our cake and the card and money,” Ellie said.
“Yeah, thanks a bunch,” Wyatt added.
Doris beamed. “I always make your cake.”
“It was a hit, but we have leftovers. You need to be sure and have a piece for yourself today.”
“I’ll probably do that,” Doris said. “Now sit. I’ll have your food in no time.”
Daddy came into the kitchen carrying his briefcase and a coffee cup. He’d obviously been in here earlier because he was topping off his cup.
“Thanks for breakfast, Doris. I have an early appointment so I’m off. Have a good day everyone,” he said quickly and was out the door.
Ellie stared blankly at a spot on the wall. Have a good day? Not likely.
Wyatt dug into his food.
Ellie spread butter on her toast just like Momma used to do for her, spreading it generously all the way to the crusts. Then she ate it without tasting, washed it down with her juice and carried her dirty dishes to the sink.
“See you this evening,” Ellie said.
Doris smiled. “Bless your heart. Eighteen years old. I can hardly believe it.”
Ellie turned around and wrapped her arms around Doris’s neck. The gesture was so unexpected that Doris almost forgot to hug her back. “Well now,” she said, and patted Ellie on the back like she was burping a baby.
“You’ve really been good to us,” Ellie said.
Doris frowned. “And I hope to do so for at least a few more years. I’m not ready to retire. Now you run along. Have a good day.”
Ellie laughed, and then left before it turned into a scream. It was ironic that of all days, everyone seemed to feel the need to tell her to enjoy it.
Wyatt followed her out. “Are you alright?”
Ellie handed him the car keys. “Do you mind driving this morning? I don’t feel so good.”
“Do you think you need to stay home?”
“No. I need to get through the next two weeks of school.”
“I hear you,” he said. “Hop in.”
Ellie had turned in her resignation at the Franklin Ice Cream Parlor the previous week and was going to pick up her last check. She would miss this part of her life. Other than school, it was the only normal thing that she’d done.
She parked in front of the store instead of in employee parking and got out. Blinded by the glare of the sun, she reached back inside for her sunglasses. It made her feel like she was already in hiding, which had yet to happen. When she walked into the shop, the cool air and sweet smell of ice creams and toppings pulled her to the counter. The place was empty except for Tessa and Randy, but it was early in the day.
Randy waved when she walked in. “Hey you. Couldn’t stand to be away from us, right?”
Ellie smiled. “I came to get my check.”
“Got it right here,” he said, taking an envelope from the drawer beneath the register and handing it over. “How about an ice cream on the house?”
“That would be great.”
He grabbed a scoop. “Aren’t you the strawberry girl?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He made her a double dip in a waffle cone and presented it with a flourish. “We’re going to miss you around here. I want you to know that I wish you every kind of success and happiness.”
It was a bittersweet wish. “Thank you, Randy. You were a good boss.”
He beamed. “So sit, eat. As hot as it’s getting these days it’s gonna melt fast.”
Ellie slid the paycheck into her purse and sat down at a table. It felt weird to be where the customers sat, but in a good way. Tessa came out and slid into the other chair. She had white skulls painted on her black fingernail polish and a new piercing in her ear. Ellie counted seven earrings on that ear and four on the other. It looked very unbalanced, but she didn’t care enough to ask why.
“So you graduate tonight, right?” Tessa asked.
Ellie nodded as she took another bite of her cone.
“Are you excited . . . about leaving home and stuff?”
“What do you think?” Ellie muttered.
“I think yes.”
“Then you’d be right.”
Tessa watched Ellie’s face, thinking to herself that Ellie Wayne didn’t seem to know how pretty she was, or how good she was built. She knew Ellie was smart. She lived in a nice house in the good part of Memphis. But something was off. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but in all the years she’d known Ellie, she’d never seen her laugh. She’d smiled, even occasionally giggled, but never a real belly laugh. What happens to people to make them sad that way? Then she shrugged off the thought. There was enough shit going on in her own life without worrying about someone else.
“So have you decided where you’re going after graduation?”
“Not for sure.”
“Yeah, you’ve got all summer to figure that out,” Tessa said. Then the bell over the door jingled as a group of customers came in.
“Oops! Gotta get to work. Take care of yourself.”
“You, too,” Ellie said.
She left as Randy began taking orders, dropping what was left of her ice cream in the trash on the way out the door, then got in the car and drove off.
Next stop was the bank, but instead of depositing her paycheck as she usually did, she cashed it, pocketed the $401.50 and drove home. She still had to press her dress, wash her hair and make sure the battery was good in the camera. She had all of the graduation expenses covered, but the Gates Abortion Clinic required cash and an appointment.
She now had both.
“What time is it?” Ellie asked, as she hurried out of the bathroom in her bra and pantyhose.
“You have to be out of here in thirty minutes,” Sophie said, and gave Ellie’s hairdo a last squirt of hair spray. It had been years since Ellie needed her like this and she was enjoying it immensely.
“Where’s Wyatt? Why isn’t he getting dressed?” Ellie asked.
