The Boarding House

by Sharon Sala

  “I love you, too, Ellie, but one of these days you’re going to have to figure out how to take care of yourself.”

  “Not tonight.”

  “No, Ellie, not tonight.”

  It was still raining when Ellie woke. She had barely finished dressing when a message from Dr. Tyler arrived with her breakfast tray.

  Cin snitched a piece of bacon from the plate and then picked up a folded piece of paper and opened it.

  “Hey Ellie, the shrink sent you a message.”

  Ellie was opening a salt packet to sprinkle on her eggs and eyeing the last piece of bacon, hoping she got it eaten before Wyatt showed up. Back home Doris had always fixed plenty of food and set separate places at the table, but in here they all had to share. Sometimes it left Ellie hungry.

  “Shrink is such a rude word,” Sophie said. “I’d prefer you chose another.”

  Cin took a big bite of the bacon and licked her fingers. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “Read it to me,” Ellie said.

  “Ellie, I have a special treat for you during therapy this morning. Be sure to come. I don’t want you to miss it.”

  The excitement of a treat had her in a good mood as she finished her food. When Charlie came to get her, she was ready and waiting.

  “Looking good, Miss Ellie,” Charlie said.

  “Cin did my hair.”

  Charlie grinned. He got along great with all of her alters except Wyatt. Wyatt didn’t much like anybody, but Charlie didn’t take it personally. He knew Wyatt was the one who’d offed the father and felt a measure of admiration and understanding. A couple of minutes later, they reached Aaron’s office.

  “So here you go. Have a good session and I’ll be back to get you when you call.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  Charlie knocked then opened the door for her to go in.

  Aaron was waiting. When Ellie entered, he smiled. “Good morning, Ellie. That thunderstorm we had last night was a noisy one, wasn’t it? I hope it didn’t disturb your rest.”

  “Not much.”

  “Did you get my message about a treat?”

  Ellie nodded. “Is it chocolate?”

  He grinned. “I have some and you’re welcome to it, but that’s not the surprise. I was going through some of your information last night and found something I bet you haven’t seen in a long time. Why don’t you have a seat on the sofa while I start the VCR.”

  Ellie moved past the chair she usually sat in and chose a cushion next to the arm. Dr. Tyler dropped a Hershey bar in her lap and then sat at the other end and picked up the remote.

  “Ready?”

  Ellie unwrapped the candy, broke off a square and put it in her mouth, then nodded.

  Aaron hit Play. Within seconds, the images appeared on the screen.

  Ellie gasped. “That’s Momma. Look Dr. Tyler. It’s Momma.”

  “Yes and that tiny baby in her arms is you.”

  Ellie felt like she was dreaming. Momma was young and smiling, and she’d never seen her look that happy. “I’ve never seen this.”

  “Then I’m glad I thought to show it to you.”

  Unconsciously, Ellie scooted to the edge of the seat.

  On the screen, Fern waved at the camera and tilted the swaddled baby in her arms so that her face could be seen peeking out from the blanket. She jiggled the baby up and down a couple of times and then leaned down and kissed her little cheek.

  “Momma,” Ellie whispered, unaware that she’d spoken aloud.

  The next image showed Fern pushing Ellie in a baby buggy. The camera panned down into the buggy for a bird’s-eye view.

  “Look at you smile,” Aaron said.

  “I look happy. I didn’t know I was ever happy there.”

  Becoming emotionally involved in a patient’s life was a no-no in Aaron’s world, but it was hard to keep a clinical distance from a patient like Ellie who’d suffered so many years of tragedy and abuse. “I’m very sorry, Ellie.”

  She sat through the rest of the video without a comment, but when it was suddenly over, she groaned out loud. “Oh no . . . is that all of it?”

  “Sorry, yes. So tell me, what did you like best?”

  “That Daddy wasn’t in any of it.”

  “Having seen it, how do you feel about your mother now?”

  “She looked happy. I don’t remember her ever looking like that. And she seemed really proud of me.”

  “How do you remember her?”

  “Nervous. On the defensive. Always praying.”

  “Praying?”

  “Yes. Momma prayed about everything. If there was a problem, Momma prayed to God to fix it. If she got sick, she prayed to God to make her well.”

  “And how did that make you feel?”

  Ellie frowned. She’d never thought about her Mother’s predilection for prayer like that before.

  “I’m not sure, but maybe that she never took the initiative and tried to solve her own problems. She just prayed and expected God to do it for her.”

  Aaron nodded. “So, do you think you’re like your mother?”

  “I have her blonde hair and blue eyes, but I don’t look like her. I don’t really look much like either of them.”

  “I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally. When bad things happen to you, how do you deal with them?”

  Ellie’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. This was beginning to feel uncomfortable, but she didn’t know why. “What do you mean?”

  “Okay, let me ask this another way. Do you remember the first time you knew what your father was doing to you wasn’t right?”

  Her fingers curled into fists. “Maybe after I started school. I’m not sure.”

  “I’m not talking about an exact date. I mean was there ever a time when you thought about telling someone, like maybe a teacher, or a friend?”

  “I never had a friend. I had Wyatt.”

  “You never had someone come home with you after school?”

  “No. Daddy said no.”

  “What about you going to someone else’s home to play?”

  “No. I never did that, either.”

  “Was there ever a teacher you were close to that—”

  “No.”

  The fact that Ellie didn’t let him finish the question was telling, as was the tone of her voice. She was getting uncomfortable with the questions. “But you eventually told your mother?”

  “By accident.”

  “I see. And how did she react?”

  Ellie folded her arms across her chest. “She threw herself onto the floor and prayed. Then she went to the hardware store and got a lock and put it on the inside of my door so I could lock it to keep Daddy out.”

  “But she didn’t tell anyone else either?”

  Ellie began to rock back and forth. “No, she didn’t tell.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  “Dirty. Bad. Had to keep it a secret.”

  “Did the lock work?”

  “Only until after Momma died.”

  “Until after your father killed her?”

  “I didn’t know about that until the day Wyatt killed Daddy.”

  “Were you mad at your mother?”

  Ellie started to cry.

  Cin slid into the conversation so quickly Aaron didn’t even know it was her until Ellie opened her mouth. “Ellie’s through talking today. She wants to go back to her room.”

  “Oh. Well, could you just ask—”

  Cin stood up. “Sorry, Doc. I could, but I’m not gonna. Would you call Charlie for me?”

  Aaron sighed. He knew when he’d been bested. “Of course.”

  She sat back down on the arm of the sofa, idly swinging her foot as she finished off the chocolate Ellie hadn’t eaten. “Hey Doc . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “Just so you know, Ellie got the message.”

  “What message is that?”

  “That’s she’s reacting to problems like Fern did. Fern prayed t
o make them go away. Ellie thought us up to deal with her stuff instead of dealing with it herself.”

  “That’s what she said to you?”

  Cinnamon laughed out loud. “You almost forgot I’m Ellie, didn’t you? Here’s the deal. Wyatt exists because he’s the one who always went with Garrett when he came to get her in the night. He would tell Ellie to stay in bed, or to hide her face, and so she did. Sophie came after her mother died. Ellie needed a mother and didn’t have one, so she created a nanny. A nanny with a conscience who had no idea what was going on. She was Ellie’s backup plan. If her father touched her again, she would tell Sophie and Sophie would tell everyone. Garrett would get arrested. End of story. Only Ellie was just a kid and once again she was outsmarted by the Devil. He knew how attached she was to Wyatt, so he showed her the movies he’d made of them together. Ellie was horrified. In her mind, if everyone found out about what Wyatt had been doing, he would be humiliated. To protect Wyatt, she went back to being Daddy Dearest’s little love slave.”

  “Oh. God.”

  “And since you brought Him up, what’s the deal with Luther Dunn? Does he really think he’s God?”

  Aaron was surprised. He didn’t know she knew about that. “Does Ellie know this?”

  “Not yet. Wyatt and Sophie and I haven’t decided whether to tell her or not.”

  “I’d like to ask you not to tell. Falling into yet another illusory belief would be extremely harmful to her well-being.”

  Cinnamon licked chocolate from the ends of her fingers as she thought about what he’d said. “I’ll tell the others, but I’m not promising anything.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because we know her better than you do.”

  There was a knock at the door.

  “That’ll be my ride,” Cinnamon said, and let herself out of the office with a wave and a wink, leaving one very surprised doctor behind.

  Aaron took the old video out of the VCR and filed it with the others. “If I ever get all three of those alters back into Ellie Wayne, she’s going to be one heck of a woman.”

  He thought nothing of the fact he was talking to himself just like most of his patients as he turned off his video equipment.

  It wasn’t until much later that he realized Cinnamon hadn’t explained how she came into Ellie’s life. He made a mental note to ask her some time, although he wasn’t so sure he’d ever get an answer. When Cinnamon was on stage, she was definitely the one in charge.

  That afternoon, Ellie didn’t argue about going to the common room when free time rolled around. She didn’t care who came with her and who stayed behind. All she knew was that she wanted to go see that window again.

  The weather was still cloudy, which didn’t bode well for a sunset revelation at Luther’s window, but it didn’t daunt her. Drawn by the colors and the cross, she pulled up a chair and sat down in front of it anyway, just as she used to do in the pew at church.

  Luther was conspicuously absent. The old woman who called Ellie “Charlotte” was watching television and picking at a sore on her knee. The man who played checkers alone bounced from one side of the table to the other and accused himself of cheating. Nurses were calming crying jags. The young man who’d always wanted to play with Ellie’s hair wasn’t around, and Cinnamon told Ellie he’d been dismissed.

  Aides came and went with patients.

  Dr. Ferris sat in her office on a conference call with a colleague in New York City, and Dr. Tyler had slipped into the room to watch Ellie from a distance.

  As for her, she was talking to God.

  Just so You know, God, this isn’t a prayer. I thought You should know where I am. It’s a hospital for crazy people. My doctor is always asking me, ‘how does that make you feel,’ so now I’m asking You: How does that make You feel? I have prayed all my life and not one time did You answer. Do you see what happened? Do You feel sad for me? Do You feel bad that You didn’t intervene?

  Ellie closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath, making herself calm the rage within. She lived with so much hate on so many levels that sometimes it was hard to just breathe without screaming.

  Outside, the wind was rising. She could hear the faint rumble of distant thunder. It was going to rain again, which meant no sunshine, but there was nothing she could do about it.

  She thought about the video of her and Momma that she’d seen in Dr. Tyler’s office. Knowing there had been a time in her life when all had been safe and normal gave her a new sense of herself. All along she’d imagined God had just given her to the Devil to do with as he pleased, but that no longer seemed the case. Once upon a time Momma had loved her and taken care of her just like any mother would do. Somewhere along the way Momma had fallen sway to the Devil, just like Ellie. It was a new thing to ponder—that Momma had been a victim, too.

  The first raindrops splattered against the windowpanes like water on a hot griddle, hissing and popping as they danced along the surface before exploding in tiny bursts of steam.

  Ellie opened her eyes. Rain ran down the outside of the window. Ellie thought about what she’d said to God—asking Him if He was sorry. It occurred to her that it had begun to rain right after she’d asked the question. She stared at the rain as hope began to rise within her. Was this truly her answer? Had God finally given her a sign?

  The rain began to come down harder now, blurring vision to the outside world until Ellie felt as if she was looking through a veil of tears. She closed her eyes and began to rock back and forth with excitement. This was her answer. For the first time in her life, she believed this was a sign from God.

  He was crying and the raindrops blasting against the windows were His tears.

  Ellie clasped her hands against her belly as she continued to rock. The pores were opening in her skin, just like in church when the music of the choir used to fill her soul. She could hear God’s sob in the rumble of the thunder, and when the wind would rise and wail, she heard it as despair. Ellie sat in witness, taking comfort in the knowledge that she was worth the storm of God’s grief. In time, a measure of her anger began to subside. Her shoulders slumped. Her head nodded forward.

  Then Wyatt whispered her name. “Ellie.”

  She jumped then straightened up in the chair. “What?”

  “Momma loved you.”

  “I know. I saw it on the movie.”

  “We love you.”

  “I know that too. I’ve always known that.”

  “God loves you.”

  Ellie’s voice was just above a whisper. “He’s crying for me, Wyatt. Can you see? He’s crying for me.”

  “It’s time for you to love yourself.”

  A shudder rolled through her in such a wave that it made her shake. “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Are you saying you know more than God?”

  She was horrified that he would think that. “No. Never.”

  “If He cries for you, then you are allowed to cry for yourself.”

  Ellie let the notion settle. She would have to think about all she’d been given today. For now, it was enough to know that God had heard her.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Memphis—October

  Autumn was coming to Memphis. There was a nip in the air and an internal rush to get summer projects finished and crops laid by. Animals had begun to grow their winter coats and the leaves were just starting to turn. The world was going on without Ellie, whether she liked it or not.

  Her therapy sessions with Dr. Tyler were going nowhere. Every time he thought they’d taken a step forward, Ellie put herself two steps back. She was so unwilling to turn loose and trust herself that he was at his wit’s end.

  Cinnamon kept telling him the time was coming, and Wyatt subtly threatened him to stop pressuring her. Sophie’s appearances were becoming less and less frequent. He didn’t know if that meant she was getting ready to integrate with Ellie, or just tired of his prattle. He had never bonded with a patient as he had with Ellie Wayne. It wasn’t healt
hy. It wasn’t even wise. But it was too late for recriminations.

  Meanwhile, Moira Ferris was back to square one with Luther Dunn. If it hadn’t been for the constant presence of what was now referred to as Luther’s window, she would have convinced herself that their brief moments of conversation had never happened. As for the times she thought she’d heard his voice in her head, she had chalked that up to the emotion of the moment and completely rejected it.

  He had never come back to ask to see Ellie, and Ellie had not asked to talk to Luther, although she spent every moment of her free time sitting in the sunlight with a lapful of colors.

  Excitement was at an all-time low at Mind and Body until the morning Ellie woke up and realized Sophie was missing.

  It was just after seven-fifteen in the morning. Charlie and Walt were helping a nurse with a bedfast patient who had soiled his sheets during the night.

  A visiting psychiatrist was doing rounds for another doctor who was having dental surgery, and one of the janitors was mopping up a stream of urine left behind from a patient who’d been walking the halls. There was nothing remarkable about the morning that would lead them to believe the turmoil that was to come. In fact, it was an uneventful day until a wail of complete despair suddenly sliced through the silence, followed by a long, ear-piercing shriek. It brought everyone within hearing distance out into the hallway trying to find the room and the source.

  Then Ellie solved the problem by running out into the hall, screaming. “Sooophie! Sooophie!”

  Charlie was the first to reach her, grabbing her by the shoulders. “What’s wrong, Ellie?”

  She slid to a stop and dug her fingers into his forearms in frantic desperation. “Sophie’s gone. You’ve got to help me find her.”

  A pair of male nurses grabbed her by the arms and began physically restraining her, which only led to even more distress.

  “Let me go. You don’t understand. Sophie’s lost. I’ve got to find her.”

  The nurses had heard it all before and weren’t going to cater to a patient’s hallucinations. “Grab her arm,” one of them said.

  At that point, Wyatt stepped in. “Turn her loose, damn it.”