Paranormal Mates Society: Chunkybuttfunky

by Dakota Cassidy

  “Tell me, Gordon, have you had any good dates as a result of your online experience?”

  “Nope. I quit after that.”

  “You gave up? Why would you do that?”

  “I got tired of the same old crap. You get to e-mailin’ with someone, they act like they’re all interested, and then they give you some excuse for why they don’t want to give out their phone number after you spent a week e-mailin’ back and forth. Or you find out they just like all the attention, and they’re talkin’ to a bunch of other guys too. It’s all crap.” He paused and then he asked, “What about you, CC? You’re single, right?”

  “Yes, sir, I am indeed. What about me?”

  “You ever think about joining an online site?”

  Oh, Gordon… if cyber space had a tongue, it would have many tales to tell you about CC. “Do you think you’d answer my ad if I did, Gordon, or would you leave me high and dry once you saw me?” she joked in an effort to keep her personal life just that, personal.

  “I’d never leave you high on anything but me, CC,” he chuckled. “I love to listen to your show every single night. You have an awesome voice. I bet you’re hot.”

  Cadence laughed into her microphone. The husky symphony of chuckles had become a trademark for her listening audience. “Yeah, Gordon, that’s me. I’m one hot tamale. Hey, Gordon? Thanks for your input, and thanks for listening to The Nocturnal Journals. We’ll be right back with a caller who says she married someone she met online and he married her too, but she’s not the only one he calls wife… Stay tuned for more from CC. Your lifeline to the nighttime on B 105.5 FMMMMMMMMM.” Cadence drew the last of the station’s call letters out in her familiar sexy, low tones and went to another commercial break.

  Cadence glanced again at her e-mail account at Paranormal Mates and opted to ignore it for now.

  The next caller’s dilemma left a bad taste in her mouth, and she hadn’t even heard the full story yet.

  You could be whoever you wanted to be online and sometimes, what you wanted to be wasn’t anything like you really were. It was like playing dress up and pretending you were some movie star.

  Cadence would be fucked if she’d end up swindled the way she was assuming her waiting caller had been. She had an eternity to spend. She sure as fuck wasn’t going to waste time falling in love with a guy only to find out he was playing dress up.

  No triflin’ with her heart, thank you very much.

  Chapter Two

  Collin Grayson clicked open his account at Paranormal Mates Society and rubbed his hands together, hoping he’d have another batch of e-mails to choose from.

  He was relieved to find that since he’d joined PMS, the chicks seemed to dig him, at the very least. Collin had received his fair share of e-mail. So far though, he hadn’t had any luck in getting anyone to actually go out with him. He’d spent a lot of time pussyfooting around with the women on the site by e-mail and instant message, yet it seemed to peter out and lose its steam after awhile. But he would get one of these shifters to go out with him.

  By God, he’d get a date with one if it killed him.

  It just might too.

  Fricken’ paranormal women were as picayune as human women were. However, he was nothing if not a dog with a nice, new, rawhide bone, and he absolutely intended to get a woman.

  A were-woman.

  She-wolf.

  Whatever…

  All he needed was one and then, he was in, and he’d e-mail the shit out of every last one of them until someone, anyone agreed to meet him.

  The user-ID Chunkybuttfunky in his inbox caught his eye and had him letting a small chuckle escape his throat. Funny handle she had there. Collin liked a woman who was secure in her curves. Her picture was a little cloudy, but her smile was nice.

  Well, Ms. CBF, let’s see what you have to say for yourself.

  To: Ilikeminerare@paranormalmatessociety.com

  From: Chunkybuttfunky@paranormalmatessociety.com

  Subject: Nice profile

  I was browsing the profiles and happened upon yours. You sound interesting. Would love to get to know more about you. If you’re interested, e-mail me.

  CBF

  Collin pondered his profile. What was interesting about it? Not a whole lot. He’d kept it pretty generic…

  Ilikeminerare@paranormalmatessociety.com

  I’m thirty-seven, in excellent physical health, attractive and I’m a werewolf. I love women of all shapes and sizes, but I’m particularly attracted to a fuller figured lady. I’m here on a whim, searching for my lifemate because I can’t seem to find her anywhere else. My future mate must love to take long runs beneath the light of the moon, have a strong sense of family honor, enjoy watching baseball from time to time and be willing to take it nice and slow if we dip our toes into the relationship pool. Read my in depth profile and let’s see if we have something in common, then e-mail me. Only other werewolves need apply.

  Collin glanced at Chunkybuttfunky’s profile again and wondered what she looked like in person. She was under the BBW category on the site. He’d thrown the bit about liking fuller figured women in his profile because, well, it was true. He really did love a woman with curves, but it wouldn’t matter much in the end.

  Collin figured just getting a date was more than he could hope for at this point. His charm would have to work for him if he hoped to keep the connection and finally meet someone in person.

  Swishing his coffee around in his mouth, Collin thought about how to respond to CBF.

  From: Ilikeminerare@paranormalmatessociety.com

  To: Chunkybuttfunky@paranormalmatessociety.com

  Subject: Re: Nice profile

  Hey, CBF!

  Thanks, I like your profile too and we’re in the same area.

  Collin paused and decided that going for it was his best possible game plan. He needed to meet someone soon. Time was of the essence.

  Would you like to get together for coffee? I know this is rather hasty, but I’m really interested in meeting you. Let me know and we’ll make plans. Oh, and I’m Collin, by the way.

  Collin

  Fuck pride and fuck playing the dating game.

  He had shit to do.

  * * *

  Cadence stretched her arms over her head and pushed away from her computer in her home office. If her face could flush, it probably would over this werewolf Collin.

  Tired of the vampires on the site, Cadence had taken a more aggressive approach and e-mailed Ilikeminerare, or Collin as she now knew him. She must have been low on fuel when she’d done it because now she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing.

  She never e-mailed a guy first.

  Yet, his picture had sucked her in and she hadn’t been able to take her eyes off it since she’d first seen it.

  Hot wasn’t exactly the word Cadence would use to define him, but rough and lean would. Collin had this sex and sin label stamped on his thoroughly luscious lips, and it virtually made Cadence squirm in her office chair.

  She’d spent a long night surfing the profiles listed under many different categories on the site, including Wild Thang (hairy critters and more), and decided that maybe a werewolf had something up his sleeve some of the other creatures didn’t. A werewolf wasn’t too far out of the realm of vampires. Well, not a whole lot, anyway. It was closer than flippin’ Yetis, that’s for sure.

  A Yeti… Even Bigfoot needed a date, she guessed.

  Then, she’d seen Collin’s picture, read his profile and her mouth had watered, her thighs trembled and the gut she didn’t have because she was a vampire twittered.

  Twittered, mind you. Not just a little flutter, but a full-on twitter.

  His request to have coffee made it even worse. Now her no-holds-barred attitude about man hunting was making her rethink her aggressive approach.

  Sitting back down, she clicked on Collin’s picture again.

  Jesus effin’, he was the shit.

  The picture on the site was full
body, full on fantastic. He was just five inches taller than she was and, at six-two, he had a lean honed look to him. He wasn’t bulked out, and he didn’t look like he spent all of his time in a gym. His hair was as inky black as the felt tip pen she used to make sticky notes about the men who e-mailed her, keeping track of what she liked and didn’t like about each of them. It was thick and shiny under the glare of the sunlight in the photo, brushed back and cut just above his ears.

  He was leaning against a brick building of some kind. One foot braced against the wall with his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans. Collin’s grin spoke volumes to her, cocky and sardonic all at once, with a slight arrogance to the tilt of his jaw.

  Again, Cadence found herself tingling all over just looking at him.

  Hookay, no more friggin’ around. Cadence sent Collin back a quick “coffee would be great” e-mail before she lost her last nerve.

  Maybe they should spend more time getting to know one another via e-mail?

  Shaking her head, Cadence snorted. She was tired of playing the e-mail tag, you’re it game. You could get to know one another over a cup of coffee just as easily.

  It wasn’t like she had anything to worry about physically. She could take care of herself. She was a vampire with superhuman strength. If Ilikeminerare Collin tried any funny shit, she’d open up a can of whoop ass on his doggie tookus and drink him dry.

  Bet he had some sweet blood too…

  Closing her eyes, Cadence clicked on the Send/Receive button on her e-mail. It showed Collin as “online” and, loser that she was, she realized she was waiting to hear back from him. Popping open one eye and squinting at the computer screen, Cadence smiled in relief, then frowned.

  Yeah, he’d e-mailed back all right.

  Collin wanted to know if she was a werewolf… Oh, yeah, his profile had said werewolves need only apply. Some shifters just didn’t dig a good inter-species relationship. They stuck to their own kind, and that wasn’t boding well for Cadence’s fangs and bat wings.

  Shitpissfuck.

  But -- but -- he was so damn delish.

  Frustration rose and stuck in Cadence’s throat like gooey peanut butter. How was it that the cutest guy she’d seen since she’d joined this damn site was off limits?

  Or was he?

  Drumming her fingers on her desk, Cadence thought hard.

  Then, harder still.

  And in mere moments, a plan was hatched.

  Devious with intent.

  Demented with desire.

  Defiant in nature.

  Freakin’ desperate…

  How hard could it be to pretend you were a werewolf? She was black. Her skin tone wasn’t as pale as most vamps. It had a light caramel hue to it…

  It could be done…

  She could howl just as well as anyone else. Hell, all you had to do was watch Animal Planet and woof along if getting the pitch correct was the problem, right?

  Ahhh, but the fluffy stuff might be an issue. She wasn’t very hairy. Were werewolves hairy in their human forms? Shit, she didn’t know any werewolves personally. Damn, she needed to get out much, much more. Broaden her otherworldly horizons. Not spend so much time cruising the blood banks and spend more time like moon bathing or something, getting to know her fellow paranormal-ers. Was that even a word?

  For fuck’s sake, you are one sheltered sista, Cadence Cranston.

  Her mind raced and when Cadence was nervous, she became impulsive. Sometimes her lips flapped without censor and she did stuff that required more time in her “thinking spot.”

  Cadence e-mailed Collin back before she allowed herself to over-think this werewolf thing.

  Was there a How to be a Werewolf for Dummies at the bookstore?

  * * *

  “You’re black.”

  Cadence glanced down at her arm and gave him a mock look of astonishment. She gasped, “Ya think? Oh, my God! I’m a sista?” Cadence slapped her hand to her forehead in mock surprise. “Thank God someone told me. Imagine if I’d kept going on believing I was white? I had no idea! I can’t believe my mother never told me. After all this time too. I mean, I’m thirty-two years old and I’ve spent all of these years thinking I was some damn Anglo Saxon. Shit, no wonder the White Supremacists turned my picture application down. I’m adopted. My folks are white, so I guess they reeeallly went overboard with the unification thing, huh?” Turning her body, Cadence took a defensive stance, jamming her hands into the pockets of her jeans and swinging her cute pink Macy’s half-off purse over her shoulder.

  Instead of being riled, Collin surprised her and chuckled at her joke. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you, but you didn’t look black in your photo on the site.”

  “Well, if you want to romanticize it, I guess I’m more of a light caramel, huh?”

  “You’re beautiful, no matter your skin tone.”

  “This would be the part where I preen and thank you for your ‘I want to get in your plus size panties, first date’ bullshit, right?”

  Rocking back on his heels, his body seemingly relaxed and Collin flashed her a cocky grin. “No, this would be the part where you graciously have that cup of coffee you agreed to have with me and stop harping on me for making a simple mistake. Your color is unimportant, but my lips work faster than the censor in my brain, i.e., I have a big mouth.”

  Oh.

  Okay.

  Cadence took a deep breath and expelled the air into the chilled night.

  She was getting all up in his face for no good reason because she was a nervous wreck now that she’d met him, seen his hunky self in real life, decided she wanted him and planned to lie every step of the way to get him. Her lips took the roller coaster ride of defensive with the big dip into flapping your gums. In essence, Cadence Cranston was a big, plus sized liar and lying wasn’t her strong suit. In an effort to cover her boo-tay, she became surly and developed diarrhea of the mouth.

  In her defense, every so often she’d catch herself being overly sensitive about her color. Being raised in a clan of white vampires often made Cadence very aware of her adoption. She loved her family with a ferocious possession, but she also longed to know where she came from and why she’d been left in the first place.

  “I’m sorry. I think I go overboard sometimes. It’s not easy being a shifter, let alone a black one raised in a white family. I have a big mouth too. So, how about we start again? I’m Cadence, of the big mouth, nice to meet you.” Cadence shoved her hand at him, giving her goose bumps when his larger, broader hand took hers.

  If he was surprised that she’d been adopted, he was good at hiding it. “I’m Collin, of the loose lips, nice to meet you. I say we have coffee and forget the first few minutes of this date. You?”

  Cadence cocked her head to look up at him in the parking lot’s light. Fuck, he was as fine in person as he was in his pic.

  Only with animation. Like hunky muscles rippling under his snug sweater animation. Like thighs that were taut and visibly bulky beneath his jeans animation.

  Real life animation was taking on a whole new meaning.

  So was the suggestion she planned to send to Paranormal Mates Society the moment she could breathe again after whiffing paradise Collin.

  Smell-a-mail.

  Surely with all the technology today, one could find a way to send a man’s scent via e-mail? It could be a deal maker with vampires.

  Coffee was the last thing on her mind at this point, unless coffee was a new flavor in condoms.

  Cadence shivered and straightened her shoulders, remembering that the Holiday Inn was for vacations, not first date boffing. “Okay. I think we have a deal. Unless you drink sissy coffee, then I’d have to reconsider,” she joked as she began walking toward the same coffee shop she’d parked her ass in for as many first dates as she had fingers and toes.

  God, she hoped just this once, it would be a different ending to the same old song.

  Play that funky music, white boy.

  * * *


  She had prayed for different, hadn’t she?

  Sleeping with the stone fox you’d met like an hour ago could certainly be classified as a different ending, couldn’t it?

  Oh, yes. This was different.

  Unique.

  Diverse.

  Crazy, right?

  Not so if you found you’d begun to wholeheartedly believe crawling across the coffee shop table and pouncing on your intended prey was a perfectly logical course of action to take three minutes into your first date.

  Chemistry was a funny, instantaneous, lightning rod of reaction versus a solid, well formulated plan. All Cadence could claim at this juncture was Collin had set her Bunsen burner on fire.

  One minute they were sipping non-sissy-like coffee while Cadence busily dodged talking about werewolf packs and the full moon, the next, they were in Collin’s car, out of it five minutes later, and tearing the bejesus out of each other’s clothing in their rush to get naked.

  Now, as Cadence looked at the virile, lean, tan, many-yummy-adjectives Collin, she couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what had happened after she’d come to the conclusion she’d thought was so logical.

  Three minutes into their coffee drinking, mind you.

  Three minutes.

  That might appear hasty to some, wouldn’t it?

  Hasty is as hasty does.

  There was no turning back now. They’d very firmly taken the first date rules and crumpled them up, throwing them out the window with abandon and crashing through the door of wanton, forbidden lust.

  Oh, and it had been lust. Thick and redolent, quick silvered and flaming.

  At least she’d been smart when she’d decided to go all werewolf in her date search. The lunar loving folk were damned gifted in the sack.

  Collin stirred beside her on his bed (yes, his bed) and reached out to caress her spine, making her forget any and all misgivings.

  His large hand swept over her back, soothing and hot. Cadence moaned and her eyes rolled back as she tried to focus and maybe, just maybe, have a conversation with a man she’d spent all of a New York minute with.