Chaotic (Imperfect Perfection)

by Williams, C. A.

  “You know things between Della and I didn’t really start off as a serious thing, even though I was really into her. She just didn’t seem ready for a solid relationship and truthfully I don’t know if I was either.” I heard him blow out a deep breath, like he was mentally preparing himself for what was to come next. It had to be bad, it certainly couldn’t be good. And I knew for sure whatever was to come next, I would never be prepared to hear either.

  “We agreed not to see other people, but I messed that shit up. So I went out and did the worst thing possible, I found some random girl at the bar one night and we fucked out in the alley,” he finished quietly, the guilt apparent in his voice, but I really didn’t give a shit. The last thing he said just kept repeating over and over in my head, like a broken record. We fucked out in the alley. We fucked out in the alley.

  I covered my mouth when a whimper tried to escape my mouth. Flattening myself against the wall, I shook my head repeatedly trying to erase what I had just heard, but even if that were possible, it still would have been true. And he just kept on going, breaking my heart apart even more.

  “I felt like complete and utter shit after we were done, I don’t even remember the girl’s name. So I went out, found Della at some party she was at with that one douchebag I told you about, and told her that I wanted a serious relationship with her. I knew that was the main reason I felt like shit, the guilt was eating me alive at what I had just done. I know I should have told her, but I didn’t want to ruin such a good thing. Now I don’t know what the hell to do. I feel like I should tell her.”

  “Was that the only time it happened, dude?” Nate asked, even though I could really care less about the reply. It happened once and that was enough in my book. He had destroyed everything.

  “Yeah, but…” he paused and I heard him suck in a deep breath. Oh god, did I really need to hear this? “That chick showed up on my doorstep one day. I don’t know how the fuck she found where I lived, but apparently she wanted a repeat of that night.”

  “Damn,” I heard Nate mutter and I couldn’t tell if it was because he felt bad for Justin or wished he was him.

  “Nothing happened though. I told her to leave me the fuck alone and slammed the door in her face. I haven’t seen her since.”

  Tears were streaming down my face at this point, as I collapsed onto the floor, feeling like our whole relationship had been one big lie. I knew exactly what night he was talking about, he had seemed to be acting weird, but I just shrugged it off as him being pissed about Nash.

  And then he told me he wanted a real relationship with me. Really, he had probably just used that to take my mind off of his weird behavior that I had questioned. Then the girl showed up again and didn’t say anything then?

  I heard Nate saying something back to him, right as I hiccupped loudly and suddenly the hallway light was turned on, blinding me. Justin’s face paled when he saw me, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he crouched down in front of me. “Princess, you weren’t supposed to hear that.”

  “How would you have preferred me to hear it?” I asked, stammering through my tears. Tears that I hadn’t felt ever before in my life, even at my lowest, because these weren’t sad tears, they were angry tears. Angry for the time that I had wasted being with him, and for letting myself trust him so much, when I had known how he was before we got together.

  He tried to grab my chin with shaking hands so I would look at him, but I slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch me,” I spit out, pushing myself to my feet and scrubbing at my eyes to try and stop the tears. “You will never touch me again. We are completely done.” I ran toward his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me, and found clothes to slip on over the lingerie I had picked out for him, he was done getting a show from me. Forever.

  I heard the door open quietly and I could feel his presence behind me, but there was no way I was going to turn around. It would destroy me even more. “Della, please wait,” he asked in a pleading tone, fisting his beanie so tightly in his hands that they were white.

  He followed behind me closely as I scooped up the rest of my bags, begging and pleading the whole time, but all I did was tune him out. I really had heard more than enough from him tonight and I was done. I didn’t reply as I shoved past him where he was trying to block my way, the hurt flashing through those gray eyes as I rushed into the living room where Nate was still sitting, looking like he really wasn’t sure what to do with himself. I honestly felt a little bad for the guy.

  “Can you please take me home?” I asked, my voice shaking with each word. I really needed to get myself in control, but I just couldn’t manage to do that.

  He looked between me and Justin, who shook his head vigorously, but he huffed out a loud breath. “Sorry, dude, I think I should take her home. I don’t think you two want to say anything that you might regret later on. Maybe you can talk about things when she’s a little…calmer.” I narrowed my eyes at Nate, the guilty feeling for him having to experience going away pretty quickly.

  Calmer, really? For everything that I had heard, I thought I was handling myself pretty damn well. They were both lucky that I hadn’t turned into a crazy bitch on the both of them and started destroying everything, because that’s really what I felt like doing at the moment.

  “Della, you don’t need to leave like this. Please, just sit down so we can talk this out. Can’t you at least give me that? I don’t want to lose you,” he dropped down to his knees, twisting his hands tightly into his hair like he was in pain. I wanted to reach out to taken that pain away, but then I remembered what I had just found out. He should be the one suffering, I know I was.

  “We have nothing else to talk about,” I said, turning to glare down at him. “Has this all been one fucking joke to you? You fucked a girl on the night things between us became serious. The same night that we were together, sure it wasn’t sex, but it was close enough. And this girl shows up at your house and you failed to mention that too.” I scrubbed at my arms, suddenly feeling like a needed a shower, to try and wash all the memories of every time he had touched me.

  “I never want to see you again,” I screamed, punctuating each word. I could see tears glimmering in his gray eyes as he stood up and took another step towards me, but I turned away quickly. I heard him sigh in defeat and I knew that he was finally leaving me alone.

  He didn’t deserve to be upset, I did. I was the one that he had betrayed for months with the lie that he held inside. If I wasn’t here tonight, who knew if he would have actually ever told me. Nate followed me out the front door as I headed out to his car without looking back. I tried to calm myself down on the way back to the dorms, using deep calming breaths.

  I had been through worse before; I could handle this like the strong woman I was now. Nate pulled up in front of the dorms, taking a deep breath as I scooped up all of my bags. “You know, Della, he really does love you. And I know I haven’t been your biggest fan, but I can see how much happier he is when he’s with you. So please, think about at least giving him a chance when things are a little calmer. You might regret it one day if you don’t.”

  “Whatever,” I bit out. “Thanks for the ride and tell Justin to have a nice life.” I slammed the door shut and made my way into the building. I’m sure I looked like a complete and utter mess, but I really didn’t care. People could stare all they wanted. Yes, I wasn’t the only person to ever go through a heart wrenching break up, but right now I was only focused on getting home. Once I got there I knew I could completely break down.

  I somehow managed to get the door open with shaking hands and dragged my bags in behind me, the lingerie spilling out as a reminder of what was now gone. “Hey, Della,” I heard Callie’s perky voice call out from the kitchen. “I figured you would be gone all-” she cut off when she saw what state I was in and immediately rushed over to wrap her arms around me. My tears started up once again, but this time they were the loud, ugly sobs that were supposed to be the private kind.
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  “Oh, Della. What happened, honey?” Callie asked as she stroked my hair, and I drenched the thin tank top she had on. I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it right that second and Callie was okay with that.

  I let everything out while one of my best friends comforted me, something I needed and something I wouldn’t have ever been able to do with any of my friends back home. I didn’t regret coming here, I really couldn’t. Zoey and Callie had changed my life for the better and this right here proved it. But right now, I felt like running and never coming back because everything just seemed too hard, and I knew everything would be a reminder of Justin and what I thought we had once had.

  Chapter 23

  Della: Three Months Later

  “All right, see you in a bit. Can’t wait to see you.” I hung up my phone, walking to the kitchen to make sure everything was ready. Grams had helped me pack up a picnic lunch last night before her and Grandpa had taken off for the annual trip to her sister’s house.

  The house seemed oddly quiet as I grabbed an oatmeal raisin cookie to munch on while I waited. The summer had just begun, and I had certainly been looking forward to it. After a rollercoaster of a ride with Justin, I was ready for a much needed break from all of the drama.

  The past few months had been hard on me, not the hardest I had ever experienced but more difficult in a different way. My time with Justin had been some of the best times of my life. I was really in love for the first time, and I really thought that we had been in it for the long haul.

  That day at his house ruined everything. I felt like my world had been ripped apart all over again and fell into a deep depression, not knowing how he could have done something like that to me. Luckily, my mother wasn’t around to force me into hiding when I fell into the blackness, so my friends were there to pull me back into the light before I slipped too far.

  It had taken some time, but with Callie and Zoey, and even Nash being there, I think I was able to put most of my heart back together. I think Justin would always hold a piece of it, and I would admit I was a little bitter about that.

  He had tried his hardest to win me back, so much so that I eventually quit Shorty’s because I just couldn’t handle working with him any longer. Every time I saw him, it just brought back memories that almost seemed too good to be true. I had almost given into him a few times, but had stopped myself before that could happen.

  I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done, and I don’t really think he had forgiven himself. If it was possible, he looked even more miserable than me the times that I had allowed myself to sneak a glance at him in passing on campus or the occasional run in.

  He had even tried using his mother to attempt to win my forgiveness. We had bonded after meeting and became quick friends, she had called about a month after we had broken up, just saying that she was checking in with me, but she threw in a few subtle hints, saying how broken hearted Justin was. I appreciated her efforts but told her that things just weren’t going to work out. He had betrayed my trust by not telling me himself, and I couldn’t forget that.

  A knock at the door brought me back to reality, and I slapped a lid on those thoughts. Today was all about relaxation and some fun. “We’re here,” Callie squealed as soon as I opened the door, skipping into the house to hug me tightly.

  Zoey followed closely behind, rolling her eyes at Callie’s excitement but giving me a wide smile. “Cal, it’s only been two weeks since we moved out of the dorms. You act like you haven’t seen Della in years. You should have seen the welcoming she gave me, I think my parents were a little worried that I switched teams.”

  After the three of us reluctantly moved out of the dorms for the summer, Callie had gone home to spend a little bit of time with her family. Zoey and I had gotten together a handful of times to hang out, but it was nice for the three of us to be back together. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

  “Well, I’m glad you guys are here. We can put your bags up in the guestroom for now and you can unpack later. I figured we could head out to the lake and get started on our tans early.” I led the way upstairs into the room that had two twin beds that Grams had prepared for the girls. I think she had wanted to stay behind just to hang out with us, but it would be nice for it to be just the three of us again.

  “Hopefully that water is cool enough,” Callie commented, fanning herself with one hand while digging through her suitcase with the other. “It’s ungodly hot out there. I am so ready for that water to cool me off. I definitely like Ohio summers over North Carolina’s.”

  We all changed into our bikinis, Callie and I spraying on tanning oil, while Zoey slathered on about a pound of sunscreen onto her fair skin. I grabbed the picnic basket that was loaded down on the way out the door, and we all kicked off our flip-flops once we reached the shore.

  Not many of the neighbors were out, so we pretty much had the lake to ourselves. They all were pretty much older, so they tended to see the lake as scenic and nothing more.

  All three of us stepped into the water at the same time, squealing when the water touched our bare skin. “Yeah, it definitely hasn’t warmed up yet, but I think we’ll survive.” It took us awhile to suck it up but we eventually made it to the floating wooden raft that was bobbing in the water a few feet out.

  “Okay, totally forget what I said,” Callie managed to say through chattering teeth as she hoisted herself up. “I’d like it if this water was a whole lot warmer.”

  We all rolled onto our stomachs and caught up on each other’s lives in the short time that we had been apart. We were all ready planning on living together next year, and we wanted to look at some off campus housing while Callie was in town for the next two weeks. Hopefully, we would be able to find something quickly and get a lease signed so we would be all set.

  “So, have you heard from Justin anymore?” Zoey asked, sliding her sunglasses down to the tip of her nose to question me. Callie and Zoey had both been pissed at Justin, almost more than I was when we had broken up.

  They had offered on numerous occasions to do some kind of bodily harm to him, but I told them I didn’t think that was necessary. I’m pretty sure the guilt had eaten Justin up enough, and he was the one who had to live with himself now, knowing that he ruined what we had together. Some people might think that I overreacted, but that was there opinion. Yes, we hadn’t really been official, but we had agreed not to see other people. The fact that Justin had totally broken my trust was just something I couldn’t get over.

  Zoey had seemed to have gotten over her hate for Justin lately though. She had asked me more than a few times if I had ever just thought about talking things out with him, but I flat out refused. We were done and over with, even though I missed him every day. I just didn’t want to put my heart out for him, only for it to get broken again, when really it wasn’t even whole right now.

  “Nope,” I said with an audible pop, burying my face against the wooden planks so I could avoid both of their eyes on me. I hadn’t heard from him lately, but I hated the way they looked at me whenever he was brought up. Like they thought I would break at any moment.

  “And I’m not planning on talking to him, so you guys don’t need to bring him up every time we have a conversation. I’m over him.” I wished that was true, and I’m pretty sure they could see right through me, but I was sick of talking about that whole topic.

  “Touchy, touchy, aren’t we?” Callie countered.

  “Okay, this is the last time I’ll bring it up then, but I think you should give him another chance. Or at least have a nice long talk with him. What you guys had was special, and I feel like you’re just letting it slip by. I don’t want you to regret it someday. I’m not saying what he did was right, but it did happen when you guys weren’t ‘serious’.” I rolled my eyes at her air quotes and pretty much everything else she had just said. Yeah, I got what she was saying, but I still had so much pent up anger by the whole situation, and she just didn’t understand.

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nbsp; “That doesn’t matter, Zoey. It’s the fact that he lied to me on more than one occasion and never fessed up until I heard the truth with my own ears. Maybe he would have told me, maybe he wouldn’t have, I’ll never know, but it doesn’t matter.”

  “Well, sounds like you have your mind pretty made up then. I promise this is the last time I’ll bring it up. So now we’ll have fun together for the next few days.” I smiled at Zoey, who I knew was only trying to be helpful, but I was glad that we were done.

  We all rolled over onto our backs and Zoey pulled out the sunscreen she had brought out to apply it to the front of her. Seeing her look like a lifeguard with a layer of white across her face, made me glad that I didn’t have to worry about fair skin.

  “What about things between you and Nash?” Callie asked after we heard Zoey’s heavy breathing, a sign that she had all ready fallen asleep.

  I shrugged my shoulders, because I wasn’t really sure how to answer that question. Nash had been there for me a lot after the break up, comforting me whenever the girls weren’t around. He had become almost a permanent fixture at our dorm and often ended up sleeping on the couch when we would stay up late watching movies and eating take out. But we had definitely stayed in the friend’s zone, I hadn’t been ready or wanted to jump right into another relationship.

  “I don’t know, he’s a great friend, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever be more. I mean, yeah I’m attracted to him, who wouldn’t be? But I’m not sure if we would ever work out in any kind of relationship besides being friends. I don’t know if I really want to risk our friendship to find out either. I don’t even know if I’m ready to move on.”

  “I think you are,” she replied confidently. “Maybe that’ll be with Nash or someone completely new. You handled yourself a lot better than you think, Della. You’re strong. And I think Nash would be willing to give things a shot with you, if you were. Even if things don’t work out, I think he’ll always be there for you.”