Finding Purgatory

by Kristina M Sanchez

  “Ani really did put the house up for sale.” Tori was incredulous. She resisted the urge to wipe at the screen, as if the home listed on the MLS might have been a speck of dirt or a trick of light.

  “She said she would.” Raphe was sitting on his bed while Tori lounged in his comfortable desk chair. They’d swapped. She was using his computer to do her homework, and he was using her laptop to write a report. He was a supervisor at the store in the mall where they’d met, but he was working toward a paralegal degree. “Did you think she was lying?”

  Tori shrugged, aware that Raphe was eyeing her. She grumbled. “What?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Don’t give me that.”

  “Fine, but remember you asked.” He twisted himself so it was easier to look at her. “It’s funny to me. You’ve made it clear from the moment she walked back into your life you don’t trust her. Yet you take her at her word that she’ll take care of the baby?”

  “It’s a house. I didn’t really think she’d sell her house just because it creeps me out that people died there. That’s a big decision to make just for me.”

  He fixed her with a pointed look. “And adopting your baby isn’t? The last time I checked, raising a kid takes a lot more time and energy than switching houses.”

  Crossing her arms over her chest, Tori turned back to the computer. “The kid is different. She wouldn’t play me like that.”

  “You don’t trust her with anything except the life of your child.”

  Tori recoiled as if struck. “It’s not my baby. That’s the whole point. It’s hers. That was the deal.”

  “The only deal you actually expect her to stick to.”

  “What do you think she’s going to do, let me have it just so she can leave it in a dumpster? If she was going to do that, she could have just let me get rid of it like I tried to.”

  When Raphe’s eyes went wide, Tori regretted her words. She ducked her head, confused, ashamed, and pissed off.

  “You were going to—”

  “Don’t. Just don’t.” She glared at him in warning. “Ani’s going to take the baby, and that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with it. Don’t you understand that?”

  “How do you know? How do you know she’s going to keep her word with this?”

  “Because I’m not going to let her back out.”

  His nostrils flared. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and when he opened them again, he was a lot calmer. “So you’re going to stay around, then? To be sure she does right by the baby?”

  “No. Yes.” Her brow furrowed. She didn’t know why she was breathless. “I don’t know.”

  It was part of why she wasn’t sure she wanted Ani to sell the house. Her selling the house for Tori’s sake indicated they both expected she would be living with Ani for the long term.

  Raphe blew out a breath and pushed the laptop away. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Chiquita, I’m not trying to make you upset.”

  “Yeah? Well, you suck at it.”

  “I’m just worried—for you and your baby.”

  “It’s not my baby.”

  He continued as though she hadn’t spoken. “In three more days, you’ll be halfway through this pregnancy, and yet there’s no sign at your house that you’re expecting a baby there.” He raised his hand and continued before she could argue with him. “And yeah, I get it. It’s not your baby. It makes sense you’re not buying baby clothes and deciding what color to paint the nursery. The problem is, neither is your sister.”

  Tori opened her mouth to argue, but just as quickly, she crumpled. She slung her arm around her stomach and grunted at the wave of nausea that rolled over her.

  In an instant, Raphe was there, his hand on her back. “Tor?”

  “Ugh. I’m fine. You pissed the monster off, and now I might throw up.”

  He brushed the back of his knuckles down her cheek and ran his fingers down to her arm. Wrapping his hand around her wrist, he tugged. “Come here. Come lie down with me.”

  Tori’s head snapped up. “What the fu—”

  He put his hand over her mouth, and she could see the humor had returned to his eyes. “Christ, Tor. You’re so egotistical. You always think people are trying to get in your pants.”

  If looks could kill, there would be a roasted side of Raphe in ashes on the floor.

  And of course, it only amused him.

  Bastard.

  “This is true,” he said, dropping his hand. “Cuddling releases oxytocin. This is a hormone that, along with reducing stress, prevents headaches and nausea.”

  “You are so full of it.”

  “I’m not.”

  She scrutinized him. It was clear he was telling the truth. She chuffed. “Did you start going to medical school without telling me?”

  “Yeah, ’cause the first thing they teach you in medical school is how to cuddle your patients.” The way he was running his fingers along her side was more comforting than titillating, and it was far too convincing. “Lie down with me. You’ll feel better.”

  She hesitated only another moment before she gave in and let him pull her down with him on the bed.

  There was something to be said about the size of a man. She liked the way he engulfed her, how her back fit just right against his chest and how his arms felt around her. They were like Russian nesting dolls—she was ensconced. Safe.

  It did feel better. Her stomach began to settle.

  But her heart began to ache.

  After they were together that one time, he’d held her just like this, in this bed. Just like this, except they’d been naked. He’d kissed along the line of her neck as he brushed her hair away from her face just as he was doing now. She shivered at the memory of his lips against her skin.

  Tori’s head spun with images, random memories from the two and a half years they’d known each other.

  She’d been fifteen, almost sixteen, and worked at the mall when they met. Because she couldn’t get a ride from Stacey unless she was there an hour and a half early, she spent a lot of time hanging out on the bench between her store and Raphe’s.

  He’d first struck up a conversation when he came out for a break one day. He was tall, dark, and handsome—the perfect cliché. Her predictable teenage hormones dictated she was going to crush on him. She’d told herself not to be stupid. At that point, he’d been nineteen, and she’d been just a kid. And crushes were stupid. She’d pushed the thought away, reminding herself that the only thing more annoying than a teenager with a crush was a teenager who thought she was in love.

  Tori wished she could pinpoint when he’d become so important to her. When had he changed from a way to pass the time to someone she’d gone to every time she needed to lean on another human being for just one second. Someone who knew her secrets. The only person she thought of every single day, and when she did, she often smiled. He made her happy. In so many years of people trying to help her, he was the only one who had been able to comfort her.

  After Ani came to see her for the first time, it was Raphe she’d run to. She’d paced this room like a crazy person, yelling and screaming and pissed as hell because how dare she? How fucking dare she?

  And because it was Raphe, when he’d folded her in his arms, her anger had melted away and she’d let him see what was beneath all that rage. It had been almost fifteen years since someone had loved her unconditionally, and Ani’s visit had only shoved that in her face. Tori had cried in his arms, her voice small and broken.

  “It’s not true,” he’d whispered against her hair. He cupped her face in his hands and stroked away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “I love you, Victoria Kane. Unconditionally.”

  He’d kissed away her tears before he kissed her lips.

  He’d whispered that he loved her, and she had been so desperate, so starved for that kind of affection, she let herself believe it.

  Now
, finding herself in his bed for the first time since that day before Christmas, Tori shifted in his arms. She turned so she was facing him and tucked her head under his chin. The way they were pressed together, she thought he might be able to feel the firm bulge of her belly, but she didn’t dwell on it. She tried not to think of anything. There was too much, always too much, and she wanted to set it all down for just a minute.

  She fell asleep to the soothing sensation of his fingers tracing the line of her temple, the shell of her ear.

  Chapter 15: Forgive Me

  Tori never spent much time thinking about her body. She knew her ears were too big for her head, because some of the kids in one of her homes had teased her about it. She knew she had smallish breasts, because it was impossible to be a woman and not be aware of where you stood on the boob spectrum. She had brown hair that fell straight and green eyes every other girl seemed jealous of. That was all the information she’d retained in eighteen years of owning her body.

  With all the changes, the whole pregnancy thing made it impossible for her to stop thinking about her body.

  With a grunt, Tori gave up the idea she was going to get her jeans to button. She flopped back on her bed, pissed off at the world and particularly cheesed at the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. She pulled her jeans down a bit, relieving the squeezing pressure.

  At group, the others said she was lucky. Here she was at twenty weeks and only just getting too thick for her loosest jeans. With her pants open and partially down, her palms brushed over her abdomen. She frowned, but she began to explore her body with her fingertips. She traced around the bulge. What a strange thing it was—hard and firm when she was either soft or bony everywhere else. It was still a small thing. With both her hands side by side, she could cup the whole bump.

  Tori closed her eyes. Her hands trembled as she moved her fingers under her shirt.

  Her breasts had been tender for weeks, but that was getting better. They were itchy sometimes now, which Raphe had delighted in informing her was because they were growing bigger. He claimed innocence, telling her he knew this not because he’d been looking at them, but because he’d read it on one of the websites.

  Tori wondered if the other changes he’d mentioned—bigger, darker nipples and areolas—had happened. She wasn’t so intimate with her body that she would know the difference between her nipples pre-pregnancy and now.

  With a grumble, Tori yanked her shirt down and kicked her way out of her jeans. She went back to her closet, wiping away the remnants of her frustrated tears. After a few minutes of staring at the useless contents, she gave up. It wasn’t like her pants were going to somehow become forgiving. Overnight, the bump had gotten too big, and nothing she owned was going to fit.

  Tori rocked on her feet, trying to figure out what to do. She wrapped a towel around her waist and headed into the hallway. She peered into the master bedroom, happy to find it vacant. Ani was slim, but she was still built wider than Tori. Maybe she had something that would get her as far as a clothing store.

  “What are you doing?”

  With a yelp, Tori spun around. “I, um . . . look. I just . . .” She gestured at her middle, exasperated. “I need some clothes. This stupid thing has me popping out of my pants, and I just need something to get to the store. I’ll wash it. You won’t even miss it, and—”

  “Tori.” Ani held her hands up, stopping the flow of words from Tori’s mouth. “It’s fine. Of course you need clothes. I can go with you, if you want.”

  “No.”

  Tori thought she saw hurt cross Ani’s face, but she nodded and moved past her to the closet. “I have a pair of jeans with some give. We’ll have to roll them up a bit, but they’ll get you to the store,” she said as she reached to the back of her closet. “Here. Try these. Do you need money?” Ani asked as Tori pulled the jeans on.

  “Oh, crap.” She shook her head. She’d forgotten about money. “You know what, it’s fine. I got a little bit.”

  “I can—”

  “I don’t want you to buy me clothes.”

  “Come on. Shane said that was one of the things your foster parents were responsible for anyway, which makes sense.”

  Tori scowled. “What, are you going to try to give me my allowance, too?”

  “Heaven forbid. If I thought you’d let me get away with it, I would.” She moved to her nightstand and rifled through her purse. “Here,” she said, handing Tori a credit card. “This was part of our deal anyway. I take care of everything for the baby. This is a baby-related expense.”

  Pressing her lips into a thin line, Tori thought about her sister’s proposition. The logic added up. “Fine. What’s my limit?”

  “Get what you need. I trust you.”

  Tori gaped. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that someone would trust her with a credit card.

  Every once in a while, when she had worked at the mall, Stacey would give Tori enough money to buy dinner for the whole family. “I know exactly how much change I should get back,” she said every time without fail.

  Tori swallowed down a sudden well of emotion and nodded. She slid the card into the pocket of her borrowed jeans. “Thanks.”

  Ani just nodded and left her to her privacy.

  Back in her room, Tori picked up her phone. She thought about calling Brook but decided she needed someone who could commiserate.

  “Hello?”

  “Emily?”

  “Could be worse. Mom said even when she was pregnant with me all the maternity-wear was hideous. All pink and bows and ew.” Emily scrunched up her nose.

  “I really don’t care. It’s not like it’s cutting in that much to my personal style. I’m just not looking forward to looking like—” Tori caught herself before she could put her foot in her mouth.

  The other girl gave her a knowing smile and gestured down at her ginormous belly. “What? You don’t think you’re going to like shopping at the tent and awning company?”

  “Tent and awning? That’s clever. I thought I was going to have to find the muumuu store.”

  Emily giggled. “So we’re feeding me soon, right?”

  It was no surprise Emily was hungry. The smells from the food court had hit Tori the second they got out into the main part of the mall. “I smell Mongolian.”

  “Oh, no. I smell crepes.” Emily looked like she was about to start salivating at any moment.

  “Divide and conquer,” Tori said, and Emily nodded her agreement.

  Some minutes later, they were both sitting across from each other, tucking into their lunches. Tori looked up and caught when Emily’s expression of utter, food-induced bliss faded. They both chewed, and Tori had a feeling she knew what her friend was about to say. Emily seemed to be fixated on one uncomfortable subject in particular.

  “So when you talked to your sister about her family, did she answer everything?”

  “Why are you so damn curious about her? It’s really not that fascinating.”

  Emily squirmed in her seat. She shrugged. “I just don’t get it, that’s all. And it’s interesting. It’s messed up, like you said.”

  Tori had been around enough liars, and Emily wasn’t very good at it. She had about a thousand tells. What she couldn’t figure out was why the other girl was lying and why she was so interested in Tori’s family drama. It was probably nothing more than another teenage girl being nosy, but it still unsettled her.

  Sitting back, suddenly not as hungry as she had been five minutes ago, Tori pushed her noodles around. “She answered everything I asked, but she may as well not have answered at all.” Ani had offered up no details. Her clipped answers made it obvious how much she didn’t want to talk about her husband and daughter. It was awkward. As much as Tori was trying to wrap her head around Ani’s off behavior, she could see the conversation was hurting her sister. Tori was no sadist, so she’d dropped it.

  “Did you ask her ab
out her husband’s family?” Emily asked.

  Tori shrugged. “They won’t let her see them.”

  “What? She told you that?”

  “She said she couldn’t see them.” It was the question that had gotten the most emotion out of Ani. Tori remembered how her eyes looked tortured before she looked away, whispering the words, I can’t. I can’t see them.

  “That’s really crappy.” Emily looked upset.

  Her friend was a little strange, but strange boys and girls didn’t bother her. Tori shrugged. “Death does weird things to people.”

  Emily looked like she was about to argue, but she nodded. “Yeah. I guess.” Her tone sounded raw, like she was about to cry. When she noticed Tori staring, she rolled her eyes. “Don’t mind me. It’s just the hormones again. You know, I saw one of those commercials about cats and dogs in need of homes? I sobbed for an hour and begged my mom to go get one. And I’m allergic.”

  While Tori was out shopping, Ani asked Shane to come over. She’d tried to talk herself out of it. Really, she only had the one question. The same question she’d asked her sister.

  “I just don’t understand how you could have let this happen.” She was pacing. All the energy that had torn her in different directions the last couple weeks, her guilt, the fog that had taken over her thoughts, was concentrated now on her anger.

  She’d trusted the system to take care of Tori, but that didn’t mean she’d abandoned a three-year-old to a place where she would be hurt. Tori had been fine. She was supposed to be fine.

  “How did you not know about that boy? What he could do? What he was capable of?” Ani shook her head. “Tori said it happened to him. It’s a cycle. Even I know that.”

  Shane, sitting on the edge of her couch, hung his head. “When a child is placed, we work with the information we have.”

  “And the information you had should have told you he was capable of hurting her that way.”