Intentional

by MK Harkins

  I want to shake off the memory, so I make my way down to the river. I find a good spot to sit comfortably on the sandy bank. I lean back and let the sunshine warm my cheeks. The air smells fresh and clean. The water is clear, with a greenish tint. The bubbling and murmuring sound of the river soothes me as I let my mind go blank. I hear splashing, and it brings me back to my surroundings. It’s a fish—I don’t know what type (maybe a trout?). He’s all gold and green and shimmery. The fish seems so free; he’s splashing, moving—going anywhere he wants. Suddenly, I want to put my feet in the water. I take off my socks and shoes. I’m going in!

  I see a big rock only a few yards in front of me, right in the middle of the river. The rock is perfectly shaped for sitting. I am determined to get on that rock. If I can balance on each of the smaller rocks that sit a few feet apart, I can make my way there. I start my way across, I’m doing okay until right before I get to the last rock. I feel myself losing balance. This was a bad idea. Down I go, right smack on my bottom. My head is still above the water, thank goodness. I guess I won’t drown.

  I hear more splashing and jerk my head around to see someone dashing for me. I freeze. I am by myself in a cabin in the woods, and a stranger is running for me. I start to try to get up, when a voice startles me by saying, “Don’t move—you’ll make it worse!” I am so nervous. Do I take his advice, or do I risk drowning? I’m leaning toward drowning, when he says, “I’m a friend of Sam and Julianne’s. I didn’t know anyone would be up here today.” Oh, sweet relief!

  I let him take my hand and lead me out of the water. I am drenched and freezing. My lips are turning purple. I turn around and get a good look at him. He’s incredibly good-looking and a little bit scary at the same time. He has tattoos. He must be one of those “bad boys” I’ve heard about. Don’t all bad boys have tattoos? I look for piercings. I can’t see any. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any, but I feel a little less scared. He’s wearing a black T-shirt and jeans. I’m starting to calm down a bit.

  How does he know Julianne? Julianne is not a party girl. She lives with her husband, Sam, who also happens to be a graphic designer. The only bad thing that Julianne has ever done is hide her dog from management. I can’t blame her—that dog is adorable.

  I realize that I am staring at the stranger. He is giving me a lopsided grin. He probably already knows that people judge him because of his tattoos. I finally manage to say, “Who are you? A friend of Julianne’s?” His grin increases; he has beautiful white teeth and a dimple in each of his cheeks. I would call him cute if it weren’t for the tattoos. Maybe that’s why he got them.

  “Hey, I’m Cade. Sam lets me borrow the cabin when I need to get away. I’m so sorry—I didn’t mean to interrupt your potential drowning.” An involuntary laugh escapes me. He’s a little bit naughty after all. He holds out his hand and suggests, “Let’s go get you dry—you’re going to freeze out here!”

  I ignore his hand and walk by him, heading quickly back to the cabin. I hear him say, “Okay, then.” He doesn’t know my past. He doesn’t know that I will never hold another hand again.

  Chapter 17

  June

  Jeremy

  I sit in the chair, looking across the table at Sarah. Why didn’t I see it before? I always thought of Sarah as Mattie’s best friend. Sure, sometimes she seemed a little off, but I didn’t dig any deeper than that. Mattie was okay with her, so I let things go unchecked.

  Sarah is acting like she wants to find Mattie, but I don’t believe her. Her smiles are fake. Her expressions of remorse are fake. Everything about her is fake. Mattie loved her. She trusted her.

  Sarah looks at me, noticing my expression. A look of confusion flutters across her face. She looks down; when she looks up again, tears are streaming down her face. “I don’t think I can hold it in any longer, Jeremy. I am trying to be strong for you. I don’t want you to see me like this. I can’t help it! I can’t stand it. I can’t stand not knowing where my best friend is! Where is she, Jeremy? How can this happen? We have to find her!”

  Her voice is starting to rise into hysterics. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she’s been holding in everything all this time and she’s finally cracking. Shit. Now I have to comfort her. I don’t want anything to do with her, sincere or not. I try to calm her down as best I can. I don’t want to be here.

  Sarah said she had some ideas to help locate Mattie. So far, all of her ideas have been useless. We’ve spent hours searching graphic-design businesses online, only to come up empty. Sarah reminds me that Mattie still has quite a bit of money left over from her inheritance from her parents. She might not set her business up again for another year or two. I don’t believe this, though. Mattie really loves her job; I can’t see her doing anything else. She isn’t the type to sit around, either.

  We need to identify at least a general area to look in. I ask Sarah if Mattie had a connection with any other state. She just shrugs her shoulders. I already know that Mattie loves Cannon Beach, Oregon. I have to stop for a moment to let another wave of staggering pain pulse through me. The weekend I spent with Mattie at Cannon Beach was the best of my life. I did a thorough check, but I already knew she wouldn’t move to the town that held so many memories for us.

  The only idea Sarah can come up with is that Mattie always loved the romance of old towns, so we should start looking at older cities. Well, that should narrow it down to around twenty thousand potential places to look for Mattie.

  I wait until Sarah calms down from her crying spell and reach for my keys. Sarah grabs my hand. “Jeremy, can we please go for a drive? I think if we both clear our heads, maybe some useful information will pop up.” I look down at my watch. It’s 8:00 p.m. I guess it couldn’t hurt; I have nothing else to do.

  Chapter 18

  June

  Mattie

  The cup of hot cocoa tastes divine. I look across the table at Cade’s piercing blue eyes. His hair is a little long, kind of a dirty blond, with natural waves. His cheekbones are high, and he has nice full lips. Once I get a better look at him, I realize that this guy is beyond handsome. Like, off-the-charts good-looking. He’s staring at me. His eyebrow quirks up a little in a silent question. “You never gave me your name.”

  Whoops. “It’s Mattie.”

  He smiles, still staring. I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. He takes a deep breath and says, “So, Mattie, how do you want to work this?”

  “Work what?” I ask.

  “I’m thinking that you can take the bedroom and I’ll crash in the loft.”

  “What? No, no—you can’t stay here with me. I don’t even know you!”

  There’s that smile again. My stomach does a little flip. I hear a loud ringing, I jump. Oh! It’s the phone; I didn’t even know the cabin had a working phone. I run to pick it up. It’s Julianne. She rushes out with “Oh, hey, Mattie, are you okay? Did Cade scare you? I’m so sorry. Sam didn’t tell me that he gave the okay for Cade to go up this weekend. Is he there? Have you seen him?” She sounds so stressed.

  “Julianne, it’s okay! I’ve met Cade; he saved me from a possible drowning.”

  Cade yells from the background, “Probable!”

  Julianne is confused. “What happened? Oh my gosh, are you okay? Did the river take you down?” She’s so funny.

  “No, Julianne. I just fell on my bottom trying to get to that big rock right in the center of the river.”

  “Oh.” Julianne sounds relieved. “You mean the polar-bear rock?” I look outside, and sure enough, when I look at the rock, it looks just like a cute polar bear.

  “Yes! That’s the rock!”

  I hear Julianne take a deep breath. “So you’re okay and it’s okay that Cade’s there?”

  “Well, I don’t have much of a choice, now do I?” I laugh. Cade looks insulted; he can’t hear Julianne, but I think he has an idea of what she’s saying. I give him a sweet smile.

  Julianne continues, “I just want you to know, Mattie, that Cade’s a great g
uy. We’ve known him for years. And, oh my goodness, he’s so hot! I’m married and I dream about him! You should hear him sing!” She sighs heavily. “Will you be able to keep your hands off him?” she jokes.

  I shake my head. “I’ll try.”

  Cade looks at me curiously. “You’ll try what?”

  “I’ll try to put up with you—what else?”

  I finish my conversation with Julianne, trying to put her at ease. I tell her not to worry. She feels bad that my quiet weekend has been disrupted. I think about it. I’m not disappointed at all.

  Cade and I hang out for a few hours on the deck. We watch as the shadows turn into darkness. The sound of the river is lulling me into a meditative state. It’s peaceful. Cade looks over at me. “Hey, this is nice.” He’s smiling.

  “Yeah, I can’t remember when I last felt this good. It’s been a long time.”

  A few minutes later, Cade asks, “Do you want to play a game?”

  I remember seeing the various games in the loft, all the favorites: Sorry, Life, Trouble, Monopoly. I answer, “Which one?”

  “It’s one of my favorite games to get to know someone. Do you want to play?” he asks.

  I hesitate. Will this be like Spin the Bottle or something? I hope not! “Maybe…what’s the name of the game, and how does it work?”

  “It’s called Questions.”

  I’ve never heard of it. “What in the world is Questions?”

  He clears his voice and says in a very professional manner, “Mattie, it’s all in the rules.” He reaches into his backpack and grabs out a bottle of Jim Beam bourbon.

  “Here’s how it will go. We are allowed one question at a time. If we are uncomfortable with the question and don’t want to answer, we take a shot of my good friend Jim here.” He points to the bottle.

  I ask, “So, when is the game over?”

  His grin pops back. “It’s over when we either run out of questions or are too drunk to answer. Game on?”

  Cade has this cute expression on his face. He looks like he’s about twelve, waiting to hear if he’s going to Disneyland. This might be interesting. I don’t have anything to hide (except for my real last name), so I don’t think the bourbon will be an issue. “Sure, let’s get this started. You can go first.”

  Cade: “Where do you live?”

  Me: “Mercer Island.” Piece of cake!

  Me: “What do you do for a living?”

  Cade: “I’m an engineer.”

  I blurt out, “You’re a nerd?”

  Cade throws his head back and laughs loudly. Good thing he thinks it’s funny. I certainly didn’t want to insult him!

  Cade: “Yes, I’m a nerd by day. My night job helps balance it out, though. I sing in a rock band most weekends.”

  That’s right, Julianne said he could sing. I look over to the corner next to the door. Yes, now I notice there’s a guitar leaning against the side table.

  Cade: “My turn. What made you choose to live on Mercer Island?”

  If I answer specifically, he will probably think I’m nuts. Who chooses where she will live based on a dart? I’ll give him the general answer.

  Me: “A broken heart.”

  Cade: “Ah. So you are single?”

  Me: “Yes. How about you?”

  Cade: “Yep.”

  There is a little gap of silence, but for some reason it’s not awkward.

  Me: “Whose turn is it?”

  Cade: “Mine. Okay, we’ve established that you’re single, living on Mercer Island. We’re making progress. So tell me about the idiot who broke your heart.”

  Me: “That’s not a question.”

  Cade: “Okay, I will rephrase. What did the idiot do?”

  Me: “Cheated.”

  Cade: “With whom?”

  Me: “Hey, wait a minute! We skipped my turn.” Cade nods in acknowledgment. I ask, “Where do you live?”

  Cade: “Seattle. Enough about me. Who did your idiot boyfriend cheat with?”

  I take a deep breath. “He was my fiancé. I found him with my best friend.” This is the first time I have verbalized it. My face starts to heat up; my palms start to sweat. Oh no, I can’t let myself cry. That would be the height of embarrassment.

  I look up at Cade. He looks so sad. I thought he might be shocked or maybe angry. He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Mattie.” That does it. The tears start their merry way right down my cheeks. My traitorous body! I wipe my face, ashamed at my weakness.

  Cade gets up and sits down on my side of the table. He gives me a hug, rubs my back. I tell him, “I’m okay, really.”

  Cade gives me a questioning look. “Are you sure?”

  I answer, “Yes, it’s the first time I’ve talked to anyone about it.”

  He reluctantly goes back to his seat. “Will this game be too hard for you, Mattie?” A challenge! He didn’t just imply that I couldn’t handle it.

  Me: “Bring it on!”

  Cade laughs. He has a great laugh. His whole body shakes, and his eyes become all squinty. I think we could be really good friends.

  Me: “What type of music does your band play?”

  Cade: “Mostly rock. Sometimes we’ll throw in a little country—only the good stuff, though. None of the whining shit.” Now it’s my turn to laugh.

  Me: “I love country music! Where do you play?”

  Cade: “Mostly downtown Seattle. We have three different clubs that we rotate each weekend. Will you come to see one of our shows?” He looks at me closely; he appears to be a little vulnerable, like it might hurt his feelings if I say no.

  Me: “For sure—just tell me where.” I follow up with “Are you any good?”

  Cade laughs again. (I could get used to this.) “You’re a funny girl. You are going to bring my ego right down to Earth.”

  Me: “Good. We don’t want any big egos around.”

  Cade: “So, where do you work?”

  Me: “I own my own graphic-design business.”

  Cade: “Cool. Do you enjoy your job?”

  Me: “Yes, I really do. I often believe I have the best job in the world—and I’m not exaggerating.”

  Cade: “That’s great. I could tell that about you. You seem like the type of girl who won’t settle.”

  Me: “Sometimes I wish I could.”

  Cade: “We’re talking about the idiot again, aren’t we?”

  I laugh. I’ve known him for, like, four hours, and he’s got me pegged.

  Me: “Yes. Next question.”

  Cade: “Sure. Let’s move on. How long have you lived in Washington?”

  Me: “About five weeks.”

  Me: “Have you ever had your heart broken?”

  Cade considers this for a few minutes. I’m beginning to think he’s not going to answer. I reach for the bottle of Jim Beam. He takes my hand off the bottle and answers, “No. I haven’t let anyone get close enough.”

  Okay, I didn’t expect that. He seems so open. I’m wondering about his life. Why would he close himself off like that?

  Cade: “How about you? How many broken hearts have you had?”

  I sigh. “Just the one. But that is plenty for me. I have sworn off men for life.”

  Cade looks disappointed. I hope he doesn’t think that there’s a chance of anything except a friendship with me. I’m broken. I can’t be fixed.

  Cade: “He was your first, wasn’t he?” I know exactly what he is talking about. Yes, Jeremy was my first. I grab for the bottle. I am so not telling Cade something this personal. He smiles and pours me a shot—but it looks more like two or three. I tip my head back and gulp it all down. It burns! My throat is on fire. I cough; my face turns red. Cade slaps my back. “You’re not much of a drinker, I take it.”

  When I finally get my breath back, I reply, “That obvious, huh?”

  It’s my turn to ask Cade a hard question: “So, you’re a good-looking guy. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of girlfriends. What happened in your life to prevent you from lettin
g anyone get close?”

  Cade looks at me curiously. “So, you think I’m good-looking?” That beautiful smile breaks free again.

  Me: “Don’t dodge the question!”

  Cade reaches over, grabs the bottle, and chugs at least two shots.

  Me: “Do I get another question instead?” I’m so confused about this taking-turns rule. I think we’ve been way off from the start.

  Cade: “Nope. It’s my turn again. How long has it been since your breakup?”

  Me: “Six months, three weeks, and two days.”

  Cade: “How many hours?”

  I look at Cade. In another lifetime, in a different world, I could see myself with him. I really like him. I need some distance. He’s making me feel things, feelings that have been dead for over six months.

  Me: “I’ve got another question. Do you want to watch a movie? They have about a hundred here—we could pick one and make popcorn. Deal?”

  I think he knows that I’m questioned out. I can see him hesitate. “Sure, that sounds good.”

  Chapter 19

  June

  Jeremy

  Maybe I should just give in. I am so exhausted, burned out. The worst part of my existence is the loneliness. It’s been almost seven months since my breakup with Mattie. My body actually aches for her. We fit together so smoothly, even from the start.

  When our physical relationship began, I knew I would be her first. I couldn’t believe it when I found out. Mattie was everything any man could want. She told me that she was waiting for me. I think I loved her the very first time we met—her answer just made me love her more, if that was at all possible.