Intentional

by MK Harkins

  Chapter 49

  Saturday

  Jeremy

  The gun is real, and she’s pointing it at Mattie. I need to get that gun away from her, and now. Her eyes are skittish. She keeps looking around recklessly. I don’t want to spook her. I look down at Cade still sprawled out on the floor. He looks like he’s on the same page. He’s not moving. We give each other a brief nod, an acknowledgment. A few moments ago, I wanted to beat him to a pulp. Now, it looks like we are going to need to work together.

  I hear Sarah ask Mattie to choose whom she’ll kill. My mind is having a hard time processing her question. I’ve known for a while that Sarah was imbalanced, but I didn’t know to what extent. I look over at Mattie. At first she looks panicked. I see her collect herself to answer. I hear her answer, and I shout, “Noooo!” Sarah lifts her gun and shoots Mattie, and all hell breaks loose.

  Everything happens so quickly, I can barely keep up. After Sarah shoots Mattie, I see the bouncer, Jerry, try to take her down. She sees what he’s trying to do, and she turns the gun on him. She gets off a shot as he tackles her to the ground.

  People are screaming and running for the exits—it’s total chaos. Someone is shouting, “Call 911!” I hear a crashing sound behind me as tables and chairs are knocked over in the melee to flee the building. I don’t care about anything right now. I just need to get to Mattie.

  Chapter 50

  Monday

  Mattie

  The doctors tell me I need to lie still. They tell me that I’m lucky because I have only a shoulder wound and a concussion from the fall. I don’t feel very lucky right now. They tell me I’ve been unconscious since Saturday. Saturday. No one will tell me anything. They keep telling me to wait. They say I have visitors, but they need to make sure I’m strong enough to see them. Why do I need to be strong? What are they going to tell me? Tears are streaking down my cheeks. Did I ruin everything? Did both Jeremy and Cade die? I can’t stand this waiting.

  The first people who enter my hospital room are Dan and Nancy Bailey. They’ve come to give me the news. I pray for strength. The first thing they say to me is, “Mattie. Thank God you’re all right. We are so sorry, Mattie. We are so sorry for everything. We didn’t know she was so sick.”

  I look up at them. “It’s not your fault. I was best friends with her for all those years. I didn’t see it either. I think I saw what I hoped for, not what was actually real.” I can’t stand it any longer. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  I see them look at each other. I can tell that this is going to be hard for them. Nancy clears her throat. “Honey, two people died on Saturday.”

  My worst nightmare has come true. I’ve killed them. It’s because of me that they’re dead. I feel like my world is ending. I sit up in bed and shout, “No!”

  I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough. I yell at them as I cover my ears. “I can’t hear it now! Please don’t tell me! I can’t do this now—please leave!” One of the nurses hears my screams and runs in. All of my monitors are beeping like mad. Dan and Nancy are crying, apologizing to me. They are ushered out of the room.

  The nurse is patting my shoulder, telling me to calm down in a soothing voice. How can I possibly calm down? I am crying; I can’t stop. I see the nurse shoot something into my IV. My eyes start to feel heavy. I don’t want to sleep now. I want to cry for Jeremy and Cade. They deserve my tears—I did this to them.

  I wake up to find that Nancy is holding my hand. My eyes widen. Am I ready for this? She looks at me cautiously. “I won’t say anything if you’re not ready, honey.” I look over at her and nod. It feels good just to hold her hand. After a few minutes, I look back over. She’s crying softly. My mind is trying to grasp the incredible loss. Jeremy, my first love. I never got to say good-bye. I never stopped loving him—even after everything he did, even after all the heartache, I loved him to the end. I think next of Cade. Cade saved me; he made me realize that life was worth living again.

  I nod to Nancy and say, “I don’t think I can ever get over losing both of them. They didn’t deserve this.”

  She looks at me, confused. “Who do you think died?”

  I blink. “Jeremy and Cade. Didn’t you say two people died?”

  She takes a deep breath. “Oh, Mattie, dear, I’m so sorry. I should have just told you right away who died. It wasn’t Jeremy or Cade.”

  I feel the breath whoosh out of me. My body starts shaking. The tears come again, this time out of relief. “Who?” I ask.

  Nancy takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if you know the first person. His name was Jerry. He was the bouncer at the nightclub.” I remember Jerry. I feel a tug of guilt over the relief that it wasn’t Jeremy or Cade. I don’t know anything about Jerry’s family. I still can’t believe this is happening.

  I need to know the second person Sarah killed. “The other person?”

  Nancy looks down at her hands. “It was Sarah. Sarah was the other person who died.” I’m shocked. The last thing I remembered was Sarah with the gun. Sarah died? I look back up at Nancy. “A man by the name of Jim Catlin was wrestling with her for the gun when it went off.” She whispers, “I am so sorry for everything she has done.”

  Relief courses through me, followed by crushing guilt. I am at a loss for how to deal with these feelings—I know they are going to stay with me for a long time.

  Chapter 51

  Tuesday

  Jeremy

  I need to get in to see her. Why can’t they see that? I’m pacing back and forth. That Cade guy is here again. I haven’t really talked to him since Saturday. We keep avoiding each other. He looks up at me; he looks exasperated. “Why are you here, anyway? Did you bring that crazy girl with you to Seattle?”

  I’ve been trying not to talk to him for this very reason. I still want to punch his lights out. “To answer your first question, it’s none of your business. The answer to your second question is no.”

  Cade looks annoyed. “So, you think you can cheat on Mattie and come prancing back into her life? I can tell you that’s not going to fly with her. She’s moved on. She’ll never get over that betrayal.”

  I’m angry. “Don’t you think I know that? I’ve known Mattie a lot longer than you!” I turn away from him. I need distance. I storm out and go to the cafeteria.

  As I enter the cafeteria, I’m stricken by a thought. Oh my God, I’m having a déjà vu moment. Didn’t I have a similar conversation with Evan when he tried to talk to Mattie in my office? I feel bile in the back of my throat. Is history going to repeat itself? She told me it didn’t matter if Evan cheated or not—she had already moved on. Am I going to be Evan in this scenario? Has she moved on to Cade?

  When I get back, there is a bigger crowd of people. I don’t want to deal with this now. I go to the nurses’ station again. “Well? Can I see her now?” The nurse rolls her eyes. I know I’ve asked about every ten minutes, but this is getting ridiculous.

  I wait another hour. One of the nurses approaches me. Mattie is asking to see me. My heart starts to race. I walk into her room, and our eyes meet.

  Tuesday

  Mattie

  I want to get the talk with Jeremy over with. The staggering relief I felt when I found out he was alive remains, but I’m having a problem figuring out the reason why he showed up in Seattle in the first place. I think maybe he wanted to warn me about Sarah. I appreciate his effort, but I don’t like the way he punched Cade. How I live my life is none of his business. I will always care about him—and, if I’m being honest with myself, a part of me will always love him—but I can never get over his betrayal. He has to take some responsibility for the situation that happened. Obviously, Sarah came apart over the whole thing. I’m not sure if it was a one-night stand or if they had a longer relationship and broke up. Whatever happened set the wheels in motion leading up to her meltdown on Saturday.

  Jeremy comes in and sits down quietly in the chair next to my bed. It’s the first time I really get a good
look at him. He looks like he’s lost a little weight. His face is covered in a three-day beard. He looks tired. I look into his eyes. He’s still so beautiful. My heart starts to falter. Why does he always get such a physical reaction out of me? I just want him gone.

  I ask him softly, “What do you want, Jeremy?”

  He looks so sad. “It was intentional, Mattie.”

  My mind is trying to wrap itself around his words. “Intentional? What do you mean?” He reaches over to hold my hand. I pull away. He looks down at the bed. I’ve upset him.

  “Sarah,” he answers. “Sarah deliberately set up everything. She intended to break us up.”

  I look at him blankly. “Sarah set up everything? On purpose?” I’m foolishly repeating what he is saying.

  “Yes, Sarah staged the whole sleeping-together thing. She drugged me, Mattie. I didn’t find out about it until three months ago. I wanted to tell you, but you were already gone. I couldn’t find you.”

  This is too much information for me to process. Does this mean that Jeremy never cheated? “Jeremy, can you please start from the beginning? I need to know what happened.”

  “Do you remember the day before you came home from Florida? That was the day we had our office party. I had two glasses of punch; Sarah gave both to me. Within an hour, I started to feel off. I remember thinking that the drinks were much stronger than I had thought. I felt dizzy and out of it. I started to feel really sick. Sarah was by me the whole time. She told me I was in no shape to drive. I did feel pretty awful, so I agreed to let her drive me home. I really don’t remember much of anything after that until about two minutes before you came into my room the next morning. I have fuzzy memories of Sarah taking off my clothes.” He pauses. He looks uncomfortable, and his face reddens. “I remember her kissing me, but that’s all. I remember thinking, Why can’t I move?”

  He reaches for my hand again. This time, I don’t move it. “Mattie, I never touched her. I never betrayed you. She drugged me and took advantage of my weakened state. I know for a fact that we never had sex. The drug she gave me is called Rohypnol. It’s a date-rape drug.”

  He jumps up. “Just a minute—I have to get someone.” I’m confused. He’s leaving in the middle of his story? He comes back with some guy. I think it’s the guy who was at the bar, spouting something about drugs during all of the craziness.

  Jeremy says, “I brought him from Sedona. His name is Jimmy. Sarah bought the drug from him.” If this situation weren’t so horrible, this might make me laugh. He’s such a lawyer—he’s bringing this Jimmy person to prove to me what Sarah did. I remember well Jeremy’s tendency to want complete control of everything, so it makes sense that he dragged a witness with him to Seattle. I smile before I’m even aware of it. I need to stop; I can sense myself drifting back in time.

  Jimmy is nodding his head. “That’s right, beautiful. That Sarah girl bought the drug from me. I swear I wouldn’t have given to her if I had known she would give it to Mr. H!”

  Jeremy is looking at me hopefully. “Do you have any questions for him, Mattie?”

  Even though I feel he betrayed me, I don’t think he’s a liar. I would have believed him even without the proof of what Sarah was capable of. I shake my head and say, “I believe you.” He looks relieved. He asks Jimmy to leave.

  Jeremy sits back down. He takes one of my hands in both of his. “Mattie, you don’t have any idea of the hell I’ve been living in since this all happened. Every single minute of every day, I have suffered without you. It’s excruciating. I miss you, I ache for you. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe without you. I left my job just so I could find you. You are everything to me Mattie. Please tell me you’ll think about all that I’ve told you.”

  “I will, Jeremy. Can you please let everyone know that I’m not up to any more visitors today? I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow. I need time to think.”

  He leans down and presses his face into my hand. “Please pick me, Mattie. God, Mattie, we should never have been apart.” He stands up reluctantly and leaves the room.

  I lie in my hospital bed for eight hours straight. Thinking. Processing. I’m trying to sort out all of the feelings that have ripped through my body for the past nine months. Betrayal, grief, sadness, anger, hope, peace, and then happiness.

  I’ve been both sad about and angry with Jeremy for so long, it feels weird to let it go—it has been such a part of me. It was my reality. That has all changed. I can feel the gigantic walls I’ve constructed around my heart start to slowly melt away. The memories that I’ve tried so hard to push away start to reappear. This time I am safe; the memories don’t hurt anymore. I let my mind wander freely through the past. I remember the smile that Jeremy had only for me. I feel his love warm me again. I remember the laughter. I remember the joy. Most of all, I remember the friendship. Jeremy was my best friend. I know that now.

  Jeremy is not a cheater. Jeremy did not betray me. Jeremy is a victim of Sarah, just like me. Sarah—I wonder if she knew that I really did love her. She played her part well. I thought we were best friends the entire time. I will grieve for Sarah. I will grieve for the person that she will never be. She will never overcome her hatred for me. She died with it. She won’t have any more chances to stop herself from her downward spiral. She died alone. I will go to her funeral, even after all she’s done, and I will cry for the way she left this world. I will cry for all the love that she tossed away. I will cry for her parents, and I will pray for their healing. I go to sleep with tears running down my face.

  Jeremy

  Tuesday

  I finally got to talk with Mattie. I told her everything. The ball is in her court. I know it will take a while for everything to sink in. After I left her hospital room, I went into the waiting area to let everyone know that she wasn’t up to seeing anyone else today.

  Cade looks at me curiously—he’s trying to judge if I’m lying or not. I tell him, “I’ve given her a lot of information about Sarah; she just needs to be alone.” He nods once. Cade looks awful. If he wasn’t such a threat to me, I might feel a little bad for him.

  I decide to head back to my hotel room, taking Jimmy with me. I need a shower and a change of clothes. I know Jimmy will appreciate it—he’s been like a caged lion for days.

  Jimmy has been worried that the police were going to charge him for Sarah’s death. After Jerry jostled the gun out of Sarah’s hands, Jimmy picked it up. Sarah and Jimmy were wrestling with the gun when it went off. The police did their research and conducted all their interviews yesterday. Everyone agreed that Jimmy shot Sarah in self-defense. No charges were filed. Now all I have to do is give him a good lecture about selling or using drugs and send him home.

  This is all coming to an end. I just don’t know how it’s going to work out.

  After my shower, I sit by the window and stare out at Puget Sound. After the storm on Sunday morning, everything has cleared up and the views are spectacular. Everything feels cleansed. The sun is shining warmly down on the city of Seattle. I don’t think I’ve seen a city so diverse and beautiful. I sit and watch the ferries make their way to Bremerton, Bainbridge Island, or Poulsbo. The seagulls are dive-bombing into the water, looking for food. If I look real close, yes, I can see the fishmongers tossing some poor fish for the tourists. They love it—when you come to Seattle, it’s one of those things that everyone wants to see.

  I wonder how long I’ll be in Seattle. Will Mattie send me away immediately? I spent the first five months after our breakup feeling horrible and guilty. These past four months have been about searching for and finally finding Mattie. In all the time I’ve looked for her, I’ve never really thought about Mattie’s rejecting me. I should have. Now that the reality is here, it might be too much for me to bear. I’ve loved her for so long, so completely, and with such passion, I simply won’t know what to do. I will fight for her—but if she makes a different choice, I will have to respect it.

  I head back to the hospital the nex
t morning. It’s early, around seven o’clock. No one is in the waiting area. Thank God. I want a little time to collect my thoughts. I need to be there for Mattie. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.

  Chapter 52

  Wednesday

  Mattie

  One of the nurses—I’ve learned her name is Becca—comes in to take my blood pressure. I ask her when I can go home. She smiles and pats my arm. “All in good time, my pretty.” I’m trying to remember where I’ve heard that expression—and I think it’s from The Wizard of Oz. Was she quoting from the Wicked Witch? That’s all I need!

  She says, “There’s a very handsome man waiting for you out there. He thinks you aren’t ready for visitors. What do you think? Can I send him in?”

  I ask, “Is he a drop-dead-gorgeous guy with tattoos?”

  She smiles. “Oh, Lordy, how did you know?”

  I smile. “Yes, send him in.”

  I know before I even start the conversation with Cade that it will be the most difficult one of my entire life. I have to tell him everything. He needs to know the truth. He enters the door and gives me a big smile. I love his smile—it makes me melt.

  He approaches the bed and looks at me cautiously. “Can I sit on the side of your bed?” He wants to get closer.

  “Sure, have a seat.” I pat the bed next to me. Cade sits down carefully. We just look at each other. He reaches for my hand, and I let him hold it. We are going to need to hold each other after this is all over.