Torn: I Dont Need You, But I Want You

by Latoya Chandler

  “You really expect me to believe you have no idea what’s going on? Please just shut the fuck up, Latavia!”

  Silently I cry to myself as he drives wherever he’s taking me. ‘I didn’t know Darnell has been fighting for his life, or that anything had happened to him. I have no idea what’s going on. How would I know if I haven’t been around in a few weeks now anyway? No, I don’t wish harm on him, and I would die if something was to seriously happen to him, but things are over between the two of us. He has been messing with Nae, driving her slut-wagon, and I just can’t act like it didn’t happen and forgive either of them for it. After I find out what’s going on with him and make sure he is okay, I am going back to BK. The life I built in New York ended the moment I found out about Nae and Darnell,’ I think, drifting off to sleep.

  Chapter Fifty-Four ~ Sharon Seeks Forgiveness

  For a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up.

  We fall down but we get up.

  — Donnie McClurkin

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  “Father in heaven, please forgive me for I have sinned. I slept with Braxton directly after signing my divorce papers. When he kissed me, I lost complete control of myself, considering he hasn’t kissed me in over fifteen years. That alone totally caught me off guard. Lord, I know I’m wrong, but I enjoyed every minute of it. However, it won’t stop me from proceeding with the divorce. I just had to feel him inside of me one last time and show him I am not the same woman he married. Technically, we are still legally married until the divorce is finalized, so I shouldn’t feel bad, because in Your eyes, Father, it wasn’t a sin.

  My main concern right now is I have no idea how am I going to face Bernard. He should be walking through the door any minute and the guilt of it all is gnawing at me like a bad habit. I have to pull myself together. God knows the last thing I want to do is hurt or lose Bernard. He is a great man in all aspects and it took me, the right woman, to usher it all out of him. I refuse to allow anyone or anything destroy what we are in the process of building. Like the Scripture says, he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and I am his good thing. Although we aren’t married yet, it is evident I am who he needs in his life and vice versa. I truly thank God for my spiritual upbringing and connection with God. It allows me to see things for what they truly are and not go running back to Braxton because of the sex.

  “Hey, Sha, you hungry?” Bernard asks as he enters the house.

  I want to yell heck, “No, I’m not hungry. I don’t have an appetite because my nerves are all over the place,” but I keep my composure and play it off lovely as I tell a little white lie, using my meeting with the lawyer to cover up the truth and it works. Favor really ain’t fair and for this I am grateful.

  “How was your day handsome,” I ask, trying to change the subject.

  “Not too bad, gorgeous; come sit next to me so I can ease the pain from your stressful day,” he beckons.

  Bernard has me hypnotized. As soon as I sit next to him and inhale his Giorgio Armani cologne, my panties moisten. I can’t allow myself to sleep with two men in the same day, but in the same sense, there’s no way I can allow the mistake I made today to ruin my happiness with Bernard either. He snaps me out of my thoughts, pulling me closer to him, allowing our lips to touch as he kisses me slowly and passionately with and without tongue. He allows his mouth to move to my neck, earlobes, shoulders, and upper chest, increasing my arousal for him.

  Bernard pauses his kissing excursion to remove my blouse leaving my brassiere in place before continuing his lip and tongue assassination to my upper body. He intensifies the kissing and caressing of my breasts through my bra, using slow rhythmic movements back and forth, stimulating my now-hardened nipples. Without removing my skirt or panties, he continues to lip-lock my now bare nipples. His hands travel under my skirt, touching the inside edge of my panties, from front to back, exploring my buttocks in the process as he traces back to touch and feel my wetness. At this point, I am yearning for him to enter me; he is driving me completely insane.

  “Oh my goodness, baby, your mouth feels so good,” I moan as he removes my panties, exploring my inner thighs, circling my vulva, and eventually my clitoris with his wet tongue.

  “You like that, sweetness,” he teases.

  “No, baby, I love it. I need to feel you in me right now!” I demand seductively.

  It isn’t long after he takes his precious manhood and enters me before I climax and have yet another earth-shattering orgasm, which he faithfully blesses me with every time he arouses my body.

  “Oh my goodness, Bernard, I love you so much and the way you make me feel. Will you marry me?” I ask as the orgasm takes over my body, causing me to whimper and shake as if I am having convulsions.

  Chapter Fifty-Five ~ Braxton’s Plot Thickens

  In the end there is no greater motivation than revenge.

  — Author Unknown

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  This clown must be out of his mind and think I’m some kind of punk or something. I swear on everything I love, if he wasn’t the law, his bitch-ass would be pushing up daisies. He had the balls to come into my crib, disrespect me and my girl, and put a gun to my head. There’s no way in the world I can let that shit ride, cop or no cop. Somebody has to pay, but in the meantime, I will lie low and cut all communication with baby girl, so I can catch him out there. It will be hard not seeing or talking to Tae, but I have to play this out right, being that this punk hides behind a shield. All of this shit just confirmed what I suspected—someone had been watching me.

  Sharon’s scandalous ass better not have sent homeboy to where I rest my head. The thing about it is I never let on to her exactly where my mom’s crib is; well really my granny’s place, but she raised me, so moms is what she is to me. Who am I kidding? He’s the law so I know he can find shit out; either way, I know Sharon helped him with it. This is one of the reasons why I never trusted Sharon’s ass. She will do anything for some attention and a dick. From day one, she been on some I-can-love-you-better-than-she-can bull, staying in competition with the next trick. I just got caught out there and married her nasty ass. She sure was looking tasty the other day at the lawyer’s office, though. Just good enough to fuck the shit out of; that’s all her deranged ass is good for.

  What I will do is play my cards right, pay her some attention, and stay deep up in her at every given moment, so I can get close enough to peep out Officer Trigger Finger’s game. She won’t be able to resist her first love, so I know there won’t be anything to it. You can see how easy it was for her to spread eagle, and she ain’t seen me in a long minute. I know right now I must be on some shit and bugging-the-fuck-out, plotting a hit on one of New York City’s finest, but he done fucked around and disrespected the wrong dude. Now he has to learn the hard way. Whatever happens, happens! Shit, we all got to go one way or the other, and if it’s my time, then it’s my time; but if I go, he’s got to go, too. I refuse to go out like a punk; it’s not in my DNA.

  Chapter Fifty-Six ~ Bernard’s Mission Accomplished

  You can have anything you want if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness and purpose.

  — Abraham Lincoln

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  I can no longer tell which way is up these days. Taking off from the job the last two weeks was supposed to be pleasurable, but driving back and forth to Hartford took a toll on me. Taking a personal leave from the job was easy since I am still on desk-duty for the next three weeks. I was spending the majority of my time watching Braxton’s every move, and I had a feeling he’d caught on at one point. He changed his routine up, making pit stops at this local strip spot. That didn’t surprise me one bit; it gave me time to get back home to take a shot of Sharon’s body like a drunk.

  That woman right there has a brother trying to get his romance on. The one thing standing in the way is I’m
not one hundred percent sure I can trust her just yet. Last night I was putting Sharon out of her misery, taking my time, melting that chocolate body of hers, causing her to cream all over the place when she asked me to marry her.

  ‘Damn, I must have destroyed the punany,’ I think. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but I’m sure she was just caught up in the moment. I joined her in her little role-play and replied, “Yes, I will marry you, baby doll,” unloading another round inside her.

  Now let’s fast forward to the present. After Martinez looked out, filling me in on the construction company Braxton works at, it was a piece of cake to find him after putting two and two together. The company is registered in Sharon’s name, which is another thing she failed to disclose; however, we all know she ain’t strapping on a hard hat unless a dick is involved. That information led me to taking a leave from work, and bingo, on my first drive out there, Mr. Lover Man walks out!

  I monitored his every move from that day forward, and after a week of that shit, I have decided to make my move while he is at his favorite strip joint. The plan is to shut Tae’s little fuck-fest down, take her, and deal with him at a later date. Approaching the door, I’m unsure if I want to be a gentlemen and knock, or kick the muthafucka in. However, the door swings open before I can make up my mind.

  “Bernard? What are you doing here?” Tae questions.

  This inconsiderate, selfish bitch! I don’t mean to call my boy D’s wife out of her name, but I’ve lost all respect for her, and she has the unmitigated gall to open the door with a fucking attitude when she’s the one in the wrong. I just lose all of my home training and try to slap her as close to reality as I can. Caught off guard, I’m now being tackled to the floor by her super-save-a-hoe Power Ranger; however, I am able to grab my tool going down.

  “Hold on muthafucka,” I spit, withdrawing my gun.

  “Yo, my man what the fuck are you doing in my crib?” Braxton angrily yells.

  “Shut the fuck up, partner! I’ll be doing all the talking from here on out. What you will do from this day forward is stay away from Latavia and Sharon if you value your life!” I threaten.

  “Latavia, grab your shit and let’s ride,” I say, pointing my gun from her to him.

  Riding back to New York, she’s now crying and acting like she doesn’t know shit; if she wasn’t my boy’s wife, I probably would have beat her like a dude and knocked her fronts out. “How the fuck is she clueless when she was in the same accident as D?” I say to myself.

  “What I need for you to do Latavia is shut the fuck up for the balance of this ride!” I spit.

  She can try to act crazy if she wants to. I will end up excusing her from being my boy’s wife and lay her ass out. He will just have to understand because, technically, I’m doing all of this shit for him. Little does Tae know, she’s about to be on what I would like to call house arrest. Martinez and I will take shifts watching the house, either inside or outside. I haven’t thought that far into it just yet. But this will be her living arrangements until D is good; she’s been locked up in the house for the last few weeks, so she should be good and used to it by now. If she comes to her senses sooner than later, things might change, but until then, this is what it is. I’m thinking about including Sharon in on this babysitting task if she gets her shit together. I’ll check with her after I drop this selfish bitch off.

  Chapter Fifty-Seven ~ Nae’s Phone Call

  No one loves the messenger who brings bad news.

  — Antigone Sophocles

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  “Good afternoon, Ms. Coleman, I have some good and some not so good news,” the PI states.

  “I’m listening,” I reply as my stomach drops to the tip of my toes.

  The private investigator originally gave me a three-to-four week time frame, and I believe it’s only been a little over two weeks now, so I am nervous as hell.

  “I found Mrs. Carter’s whereabouts; however, she is no longer at the same location, but I am on it,” he advised.

  “What do you mean, you’re on it and she’s no longer at the same location? Excuse my French, Mister, but I am going to need you to speak muthafuckin English and spit it out.”

  “I apologize, Ms. Coleman, and I know you’re upset. I found Mrs. Carter in Hartford, but it appears she is no longer at the same location.”

  “Hartford? What the fuck?”

  “If you would like, Ms. Coleman, I can have the photographs I obtained sent to your office via courier service.”

  “Thank you, that would be great,” I reply, ending the call.

  ‘What the hell is Tae doing in Hartford? Has she allowed them dreams to cause her to lose every bit of sense the good Lord gave her? Her husband is in the fucking hospital and she’s vacationing in Hartford? I love my girl to death and I am elated she is alive and well, but I might have to fuck her up real quick and bring her back to her senses. At this point, she might need to seek long-term professional help; she is clearly out to lunch. What the hell! I have to fill Walter in on this bull crap. I wonder if Bernard is aware of this. This can’t be good at all.’

  As usual, Walter doesn’t answer his phone when I text or call. Why do I even bother with any of these jokers? We have been getting along so well, too, and now he is so busy. He’s going to fuck around and end up getting downgraded back to being a quick fuck when I want him to shoot my club up. He must be drinking the same shit Bernard’s been drinking, but I can surely fix that shit. My motto is never chase; continually replace. Next!

  Right now, I am beyond pissed and in need of some fresh air, so I decide to go grab a bite to eat and swing by Bernard’s place to apprise him of what the PI informed me about Tae. Looks like the NYPD needs to take lesson from my little Italian investigator considering I found Tae and they didn’t. As usual, when I leave out the house before going anywhere, out of habit, I make sure to drive past Tae and Darnell’s to ensure everything is good.

  ‘What the fuck?! Why the hell is Mahogany’s car outside of my girl Tae’s house? If this bitch thought I got in her ass before, she ain’t seen nothing yet.’

  Chapter Fifty-Eight ~ The Fight to Survive

  To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in suffering.

  — Friedrich Nietzsche

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  Can you imagine lying in a hospital bed for as long as I have, apparently dead to what’s going on around you? You can hear what’s going on, but you’re unable to move or communicate? Well this has been my life for over a month now, from what I’ve been told; yet it feels like an eternity. The hospital staff has been great and is amazed at my progress; I have come a long way. It all started off with responding to commands with eye blinking and grabbing hands, to now being alert and able to move around with help. I am not amazed at my recovery; I am and have always been a fighter, and I never give up easy.

  Doctor Morris, my neurosurgeon, informed me that some people who have suffered the same or like injuries have made full recoveries and are completely fine, and I should thank my higher power because I am coming along miraculously. That thanks belongs to God alone. My moms—or the old lady as I like to call her—used to always say, “Little boy, all it takes is a little faith, and that faith will take you places you can only imagine going.” I can hear her speaking those words to me every day, over and over, as I am lying in this bed. That same faith has me in the land of the living this day. The doc recommends I undergo extensive physical and occupational therapy, as well as psychotherapy, as the treatment necessary for my recovery process. Right now, I have been suffering from periods of confusion as well as becoming disoriented at times. The headaches have been violently brutal. However, I am determined to do whatever it takes to get back on my feet.

  My greatest ambition is to be able to turn over. I know if I can muster up enough strength to do so, everything else will be smooth sailing. That one desire eats away at me day in and day out. Since being out of the coma, I now re
st and try to sleep in an uncomfortable recliner. I can’t even imagine lying in that bed or any bed anytime soon. Sleep at this point is out of the question. The nurses have to sedate me intravenously or give me something to help me rest.

  Memories come rushing back as I sit here, taking me back to one of the last visits from Bernard. I can feel his hand on my hand and can hear him saying, “D, everything’s going to be okay. You just have to hold on and fight. Get better; I have all the other shit under control.”

  Hearing the pain in his voice gave me a stronger will to fight and I am now indebted to him. He was there for me when I know it was hard for him to do so. The one thing I don’t understand is, where is my wife? Why hasn’t Latavia been here to see me? I lay there day after day waiting to feel her touch and hear her voice. No one on the hospital staff has yet to mention her since I’ve awakened, and for the first time in a very long time, I am afraid . . . afraid to ask.

  Chapter Fifty-Nine ~ Sharon’s Answered Prayers

  We never know how God will answer our prayers,

  but we can expect that He will get us involved in His plan for the answer.

  — Corrie ten Boom

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  It never ceases to amaze me, when everything is working in my favor, the devil has to throw a wrench into my happiness. Ever since I accidentally slept with Braxton, he has been invading my thoughts and dreams. I know one thing for sure, I’m positive I don’t want him back. I am happy with Bernard; he is all the man I need. However, there is a part of me that craves Braxton’s touch. Now I know and can honestly say I understand what Eve went through with the serpent.

  Coincidentally, Braxton now knows my cellphone number, after all this time. Amazing isn’t it? He has been calling and texting me nonstop as if we just met. I think it’s quite comical honestly, but like the old saying goes, you never miss a good thing until it’s gone and it’s evident he misses me. I can’t say the feeling is mutual because it’s not; I only lust for him. There is no scripture to justify my behavior, and right now, I’m ashamed of myself. I want both of them: Bernard—forever until death does us part—and Braxton—until I get sick of him. I know the real him will show up eventually. I’ll just have a little fun until then.