Vampire Taxonomy
Page 6
But overall the most important thing for Hemophage sceleratus ’s home is that it is secure and left undisturbed. This particular vampire’s constant need to feed on the living will always cause a bit of speculation to permeate through their neighborhood, so when they retreat back to their dwelling, it’s important that they know it’s safe. Even an abandoned building in the desert is secure if no one knows it exists.
A DISTURBINGLY TALENTED BUNCH: UNSEEN ABILITIES
Mind Control
Vampires up to no good are usually the most skilled in the art of mind control. Chalk it up to the “if you don’t use it you’ll lose it” theory, but this classification has serious abilities when it comes to mind control.
Perhaps the most iconic example of the Villainous Vampire’s ability to enthrall a victim is Count Dracula, demonstrated by the portrayals of Christopher Lee, Béla Lugosi, Frank Langella, and Gary Oldman (and many more). With a mere glance they can have you arching your jugular in their general direction. The count barely needed to speak a word; his powerful grasp over your mere mortal brain could have you under his spell and opening up your blouse in no time. If Superman can become transfixed by a Dracula-type beast, what chance do we humans have?45 Also in the running for best mind seducer is the long-haired ceiling vamp from Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000. All he needed to do was waltz by a pack of females and they were immediately rubbing their necks in anticipation.
This is the kind of thrall that turns you into either a one-note, yes-man henchmen for the boss (see the section on lackeys earlier in the chapter) or a silent and awestruck helpless victim. There’s little leeway; the Villain’s notorious mind control is so strong, he either stuns his victims or leaves them a little off in the head. Although you may have seen images of victims submitting to Big Bad nosferatu with wicked smiles on their faces, remember that the media tends to romanticize even the most Villainous Vampires; true, Christopher Lee often held and caressed the faces of his female victims, but remember, within moments the beautiful woman would be a lifeless heap on the floor. This particular vampire is all about the kill.
Vampire Trickery
Sometimes bad vampires like to screw with humans just for the fun of it. Vampires who trick mortals are common among the evil vamps and always end up making us meat sacks look foolish. For example, they can ruin a perfectly good meal by tricking you into thinking you’re munching on maggots.46 And if mere practical jokes aren’t enough, they may even “push” your brain hard enough with their mental thrall and send you down the path to a mean bug-eating addiction. Just ask poor Renfield. Even the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series featured a recurring vampire named Mister Trick who organized a little game called SlayerFest ’98—a nod to the never-ending pranks humans will have to endure at the clawed hands of vampires, perhaps?
The trickery can go dark really quick as well; remember the hilarious urinal prank pulled on foolish reporter Richard Dees? Sure, witnessing a vampire in mid-blood-relief in the mirror was a jarring and funny mind job from the vampire Dwight Renfield, but minutes later Dees was playing patsy for all the vicious murders this vampire had committed.47
If you’re strong enough in will and spirit, you can rebuff vampire tomfoolery Anita Blake-style,48 but be warned, sometimes revealing a hidden mental talent can attract more unwanted vampiric attention (see Chapter 2, “Romantic Vampires”).49
UP TO NO GOOD: VILLAINOUS VAMPIRE BEHAVIOR
All Talk, No Action
Unfortunately the evil vampire suffers from the worst case of one-liner monologue syndrome we’ve ever heard. If you think this sort of behavior doesn’t happen in the real world, you’d be sadly mistaken. There are far too many pop culture examples to totally dismiss the idea that these vampires will stop at nothing to say something eye-roll worthy. Bad puns, cheeky prose—nothing is off-limits to a bad vampire looking for a laugh. Our personal favorite terrible vampire line of all time: “You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten head from a vampire.”50
WHAT TO DO IF APPROACHED
If you manage to attract a Villain’s attention, you’re pretty much out of luck. This type of vampire is always best handled by professional slayers. If you’re unfortunate enough to fall folly to the vampire’s mind control charms, foolishly neglect our advice and end up rooting around an abandoned Six Flags in the middle of the night, or just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, there’s very little you can do to defend yourself from the Big Bad. This would be the only case where I would suggest using the old rumor mill defense systems such as the cross, garlic, or holy water. Many vampires around have been able to evolve past these weaknesses, but you may get lucky with an old-time vampire that is still stuck in the Dark Ages and hasn’t upgraded to survive in modern society.
Treat this kind of vampire attack the same way you’d deal with a street assault. Scream for help and look for a safe place. Aim for well-lit, crowded areas. You’ve got a higher chance of survival if you can convince a hungry vampire that you aren’t worth the trouble of creating a scene.
WARNING SIGNS OF THE RECENTLY TURNED
• They encounter hissing cats, barking dogs, and a general dislike from animals.
• They display overly aggressive behavior.
• They exhibit a previously unseen distaste for humankind.
• Their face, eyes, hands, or skin mutates when their adrenaline is released (when you scare them, excite them, or try to fight them).
• They are often overly polite to guests: “Here, get comfortable, lie down, take your shirt off.”
Take note, should you find yourself about to do battle with a Villainous Vampire, let go of any attachment you may have to the garments you’re wearing because they’re going to get destroyed. This species exits its unholy existence by releasing ash, pus, goo, bile, or a fountain of blood in your direction.
One final word of advice: If you’re on a rescue mission to get a friend away from a nefarious vampire, chances are he’s already been turned and you don’t know it. He’s just waiting for you to try to save him; then at the last minute he plans to bite you and screw up the rest of your life in the process. Rescue missions are a fool’s dream. Vamps don’t take prisoners; they feed and kill or feed and turn. Remember that when you’re about to leave after a long night of fighting and your former friend bites you in the arm the second you think the coast is clear.51
HEMOPHAGE SCELERATUS: KNOWN SPECIMENS
Big Bad
The original sinner, this vampire is usually hundreds of years old, if not more. They have little tolerance or need for humankind, and act that way. They are cold, cruel, and unpredictable. This is not a kind to be trifled with and is best left in the hands of the professionals. Often this vampire “has a plan” for the human race, a plan that ends in our complete annihilation or total enslavement.
Known Specimens
Count Orlok, Nosferatu
The Master, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Una, Vampires: Los Muertos
Lothos, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)
Max, The Lost Boys
Drake, Blade: Trinity
Kurt Barlow, Salem’s Lot
Akasha, The Vampire Chronicles
Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night
Kit, The Forsaken
Lilith, Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (“Beau
tiful but Deadly” also applies here)
Jan Valek, John Carpenter’s Vampires
Count Yorga, Count Yorga, Vampire
Kalika (Kali Ma), The Last Vampire 5: Evil Thirst
Dracula, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (novel)
Carmilla, lesbian vampire queen, Lesbian Vampire Killers
Murlough, Cirque du Freak
Eli Damaskinos, Blade II
Baron Blood, Captain America
Dracula, Dracula 2000
Anger-Issues Immortals
This fierce class of vampires makes no excuses for their behavior. They think little of societal qualms or what is fair.
They can be set off into a blood-filled rage at a moment’s notice; often they’re looking for an excuse to go off on a poor mortal.
Known Specimens
Severen, Near Dark
David, The Lost Boys
Jarko Grimwood, Blade: Trinity
“Evil” Ed Thompson, Fright Night
Razor Charlie, From Dusk Till Dawn
Mr. Chaney, Masters of Horror, “The V Word”
Cym, The Forsaken
Louie, Fright Night Part II
James, Twilight
Marlow, 30 Days of Night
Angelus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Deacon Frost, Blade
Radu, Subspecies
Beautiful but Deadly
The gorgeous creatures with the big secret. They use their looks to lure in unsuspecting prey and think little about simple human emotions like love. If you’re particularly unlucky they’ll keep you as their lapdog for months, slowly sucking you dry until you’re begging for sweet death.
Known Specimens
Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Darla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rachel, Vampire’s Kiss
Lucy Westenra, Bram Stoker’s Dracula
All of Dracula’s brides from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (novel) to
Van Helsing
Danica Talos, Blade: Trinity
Santiago, Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles
Santanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Till Dawn
Countess, Once Bitten
Regine, Fright Night Part II
Victoria, Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse
Diamondback, Near Dark
Eva, Lesbian Vampire Killers
Miriam Blaylock, The Hunger
Katrina, Vamp
Rose, Rabid
Perfectly Terrible Gentlemen
A class act, these vampires know how to entertain with the best of society. They will make sure you’re at your utmost ease before striking for the jugular.
Known Specimens
Count von Krolock, The Fearless Vampire Killers
Béla Lugosi’s Count Dracula
All-Around Undead Jerks
The classic jerk vampire. Too high up to be considered just a lackey but not important enough to have any real power. These sad sacks are always trying to climb the next rung, which actually may give you some wiggle room for deal making. But their inept brains or snippy attitudes usually get in the way.
Known Specimens
Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)
Eddie Fender, The Last Vampire 2: Black Blood
4
TRAGIC VAMPIRES
HEMOPHAGETRAGICUS
Poor Nicholas . . . tortured by a soul he hasn’t got.
—Janette, Forever Knight
The existence of the tortured-soul vampire among the undead folk is a well-documented phenomenon. Humans adore the tale of the creature who has it all but is haunted by his unholy existence. Lucky for us, droves of vampires are afflicted by such a strong self-loathing psychosis and loneliness that they make up a whole classification of their own, so the tortured soul stories should never stop generating great literature and films.
These are the Tragic Vampires—those who walk alone in their own self-made darkness. This class of vampire doesn’t necessarily take delight in death and continually struggles with their addiction to human blood, fighting their natural instinct to kill, and struggling to restrain their hair-trigger bloodlust. Some win, some lose, but their obsession with this internal plight against their natural urges is never far from their thoughts, giving many the exceedingly melodramatic and slightly reticent attitude that marks this class.
Although these creatures bring forth some of our most sympathetic feelings for vampires, such feelings should in no way, shape, or form encourage you to lower your guard. There is a reason why Tragic Vampires feel and act so miserable: They’ve killed or want to kill at any given moment, and they’re hungry, terribly hungry. The thirst haunts them all the time, though they try to survive on scraps of what their addiction requires to be satisfied. So don’t get caught up in the whole “they’re just not that into killing you” dogma. They do, they will, and you’ll be the one stuck paying off the emergency room bills if you don’t keep your wits about you.
It’s important to study this somber vampire who walks the fine line between Villain and Romantic, as too many mortals have fallen under the fang trying to save a vampire who still isn’t comfortable dealing with his own bloodlust.
DRAPED HEAD TO TOE IN BROODING: PHYSICAL IDENTIFIERS
Attire
When you are seemingly carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, accessorizing an ensemble seems a bit frivolous. This is why most of these figures stick to the rugged and easy-to-repeat look. Think a James-Dean-in-jeans-and-jacket, sexy-but-unassuming kind of look, with a few nice suits buried somewhere in the back of their closet for storage (unless they’re living a metropolitan life that dictates the need to dress up daily, they will resort to a bare-basics look over and over again).52
Some attention is spent on personal hygiene; after all, they’re somber immortals, not savages. But overall Hemophage tragicus favors a streamlined, low-maintenance approach. Many Tragic Vampires live their life on the road with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, so lugging around any extra weight is frowned upon.
Also, when dealing with a serious addiction, you don’t want to be attracting too much attention from humankind. Flashy getups and trinkets will inevitably draw in a flock of human admirers, and there’s nothing more tempting than a group of eager-to-please mortals and their many-veined helping hands. Flying under the radar is key. A vamp will want to look good enough to get by, without arousing too much suspicion or even the smallest bit of curiosity.
SOMBER AS THEY WANNA BE: PHYSICAL FEATURES
Skin
Besides the eternal sourpuss expression plastered across this vampire’s face, another way to identify these particular creatures is by their sallow skin. Although many vampires have a practically glowing epidermis, a malnourished nosferatu can often look like a bruised, yellow, and generally unhealthy being. This is due to a diet of animals or general starvation.
It’s easy to compare the Tragic Vampire to a recovering addict because they are essentially one and the same, and they look it. Without the proper nutrients derived from human blood, a vampire will begin to look sickly and ill. Take note of these signs, and don’t be so cavalier with exposed flesh around those who look exceptionally starved.53
Eyes
The undead eyes are another way to distinguish a Tragic Vampire from the rest. Besides the soulful look of inner turmoil and constant self-disappointment that haunts the brooding eyes of a Tragic Vampire, there are also physical telltale signs of Hemophage tragicus . For instance, when these vampires are malnourished, their eyes respond. They’ve been known to become darker, totally black, and bruised around the edges, like those of someone who hasn’t slept in days. Or the whites of the eyes may turn yellow completely.54 If you witness this ocular transition with a Tragic Vampire, think of it as a warning sign. Get out and don’t come back until he’s fed properly. Remind him that when he lets his melancholy affect his eating habits, he puts you and others at risk.
PARTY OF ONE: HABITAT
Tragic Vampires can live just about anywhere. They’re not particularly picky beings and can make do with whatever their surroundings offer up. You won’t see a Tragic Vampire lounging in lavish digs; it’s not conducive to brooding. In fact, many members of this class of vampire seem to prefer to wander. Some will stay in a town for a year or two, but the longer a vampire stays in one place, the harder it is to deal with the daily temptations, especially when they become his friends.
Because of this nomadic tendency, it’s difficult to specify a habitat for this classification of vampire; you can find them living in their cars, in a condo, in an RV, or even sleeping in the ground. Should they choose to se
t up a permanent location, more likely than not their home will be sparsely decorated with a subtly placed painting or photo of their long-dead wife or family member (most likely murdered by their own hands in a blood craze). Decorating the walls with the innocent faces that one has mas sacred does wonders for the appetite, and also contributes to the eternal self-loathing emotional cycle.
HAUNTS TO AVOID WITH A TRAGIC VAMPIRE
• Barbecues: The smell of bloody meat flapping about in the summer air isn’t a meaty hunger aphrodisiac just for humans. In general, it’s best to stay clear of places with hunks of uncooked red meat, so butcher shops and meatpacking districts are completely out of the question.
• Hospitals and doctors’ offices:Some vamps have shown better restraint than others, but it’s best to play it safe.
• Empty fields, deserts, woods:And any other place that doesn’t provide quick shelter from a possible vampiric relapse.
• Any sort of war reenactment, including laser tag, paintball, and water gun fights: Just the look of someone fake bleeding is enough to set off a hungry vampire. Plus plenty of the vampires of the Tragic capacity have fought in past wars; the whole endeavor could come off as insensitive.
• Other vampire hangouts:They choose the loner life for a reason.
• Any place where you could foresee yourself spilling blood: Even just a paper cut is risky, so be mindful of sharp corners, even on harmless birthday presents.
That being said, should you venture out into the world with a Tragic Vampire, be mindful of inappropriate meeting places that may set him on edge. Again, we don’t support cavorting with this particular species, but we’re aware that sometimes it’s unavoidable; San Franciscan reporters do have their deadlines—just ask Anne Rice’s Daniel Molloy.