Vampire Taxonomy

by Meredith Woerner

  Many vampire governments are run similar to the Blade scenario. The oldest look out for the youngest, because they have experience and know-how. Of course, some societies are more open for “bitten” vampires to take part in executive decisions; Anne Rice’s vampires have a fairly good system of checks and balances. Just because you’re an elder vampire (Akasha) doesn’t mean you have all the answers and can dictate the relationship between humans and vampires across the globe.

  But no matter how the system is run, in most cases it’s regulated by a group of elders, while the business at home is usually taken care of by the head of the household.

  THE HIERARCHY OF A VAMPIRE CLAN

  In order to further understand the idiosyncrasies inside the personal world of a vampire, we’ve broken down the structural makeup of a vampire group commonly found in nomadic tribes and small gangs.

  Leader

  The head of any vampire gang usually tends to play fast and loose with both danger and power. This combination makes the head of the coven sometimes unpredictable, callous, or cruel, but always charismatic. He’s fought his way to the top, so he’s got to possess a certain amount of charm even if it only appeals to the undead. Still, it’s not all blood feasts and bats at the top. There will no doubt be at least two to three members within the coven gunning for his position. This makes treachery common, and the leader is often additionally cruel and somewhat paranoid as he anticipates betrayal from every corner. But perks abound: The leader is the first vampire to receive the spoils and glory—both material and mortal—of any endeavors, often choosing the prime human victims for himself. Although being the leader does affix a giant bull’s-eye on his back, the survival rate isn’t terribly low. Even after exceptionally brutal beatings and assassination attempts, he often somehow finds a way back to the top (though the process is usually very painful).

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 7/10

  EXAMPLES: David, The Lost Boys; Kit, The Forsaken; Marlow, 30 Days of Night (charming in a vampire way we humans wouldn’t understand)

  Second in Command

  The leader’s most trusted advisor and “number two” is burdened with the day-to-day operations of the vampire coven. But this does not mean he’s the leader’s lackey; quite the contrary. In order to excel as the leader’s potential successor, the lieutenant vampire needs to have a firm grasp of logic. He often must be the voice of reason when tensions are high. It’s true that the number two often ends up on the business end of many of the leader’s emotional outbursts, but he usually gets his own back by schtupping the boss’s lover or even secretly planning a full-fledged mutiny with the rest of the ranks. But if his double-dealing is discovered, he is guaranteed a swift and painful dismissal from his position—and his existence.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 8/10

  EXAMPLE: Kraven, Underworld; Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  Comedic Outlet

  Wanna get promoted out of the lower ranks of a coven? Find a sense of humor. Just becoming slightly more interesting than the muscle or a lowly foot soldier will improve your survival chances. Granted, you may have to pick up an annoying catchphrase or be prepared to laugh hysterically at even your superiors’ worst jokes, but at least you’ll only be called upon for menial jobs that involve cracking a one-liner and maybe a few human heads. It also doesn’t hurt for Comedic Outlets to scar themselves or dress slightly different from the rest of the group, as this allows them to stand out even more. Sadly, Comedic Outlets have a lower survival rate purely because they do tend to stick out. Still, it’s a higher position in the coven than the jock members and doesn’t require much thought, just the capacity to be obnoxious.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 6/10

  EXAMPLES: Pen, The Forsaken; Santiago, The Vampire Chronicles

  Eye Candy

  An important part of any coven is the Eye Candy. The best-looking member of the group can fulfill one of two roles: pretty worthless or pretty deadly. Both are fun, but the “pretty worthless” Eye Candy has a slightly better chance of survival because he most likely won’t be participating in fights. “Pretty deadly” is the coven’s secret weapon: They kill and they’re hot, so they’ll throw an attacker off guard. The other is there predominantly to fulfill their role as nothing more than Eye Candy. Both examples must look good in all situations and environments; after all, it’s their job to make sure the group is keeping up with appearances. Think Star in The Lost Boys: She didn’t really do much other than tell everyone what they already knew, but you could watch her say it for hours. Eye Candy may or may not have affairs with the number two, but their other job, aside from looking good, is keeping the boss happy. If you ever run into a pack of vampires, the Eye Candy with seemingly no real skills is your best chance for an ally if you have nothing else to barter with (unless you can appeal to number two, who’s usually always gunning for a hostile takeover of the group).

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 6/10

  EXAMPLES: Star, The Lost Boys; Mae, Near Dark; Harmony, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV series); Cym, The Forsaken; Santanico Pandemonium, From Dusk Till Dawn; the many incarnations of Dracula’s brides

  Troubled Outsider

  What group would be complete without the self-loathing sulky member who wavers back and forth between murdering his compatriots during the day or turning the stake on himself? Often the Troubled Outsider is a recently turned vampire or a Halfie still struggling with the transition from human to vampire. Expect this character to mope about daily, dragging his feet and continually complaining about the facts of vampiric life. This ne’er-do-well often ends up initiating the entire group’s demise by either trying to get himself out of his vampire predicament or selling out the group for leverage somewhere else.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 8/10

  EXAMPLES: Caleb Colton, Near Dark; Michael, The Lost Boys

  The Brain

  Every group needs a smarty-pants chemist, scientist, or learned person (or at least someone to strut around pretending to know the facts). This member shouldn’t be allowed to make large group decisions, but if you need to build a better werewolf bullet or add some spice to the synthetic blood, he’s your undead man. Brains generally stay out of the fray and can often survive a bloodbath because they don’t usually get involved in physical altercations.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 8/10

  EXAMPLES: Logan Griffen, Moonlight

  The Muscle

  Vampire Muscle is a funny subgroup within a clan. Vampire “grunts” don’t necessarily have to be big and bold to be brutal enforcers. In fact, some of the most intimidating pop culture Muscle vamps rely only on their deeply troubled psyches to scare and intimidate humans. Who needs linebacker shoulders when you’re not afraid to open up someone’s throat in front of the entire room? Sadly, those who go charging headfirst into the climactic fight have crappy survival rates, but more often than not they exit in a blaze of glory.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 5/10

  EXAMPLES: Reinhardt, Blade II; Jarko Grimwood, Blade: Trinity

  Foot Soldier

  These faceless drones do the bidding for the rest of the group. If you realize that no one knows a thing about you in your coven, let alone your name, chances are you’re a Foot Soldier and one red shirt away from dying on a vampire away mission.

  SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 1/10

  EXAMPLES: We can’t be expected to remember the names of these hapless characters, can we? They’re merely fang food, after all.

  8

  LIVINGIN AN UNDEAD WORLD

  REAL-LIFEAPPLICATIONS

  I have never met a vampire personally, but I don’t know what might happen tomorrow.

  —Béla Lugosi

  Now that you’ve been briefed on the many different classifications of the vampire race, it’s time to put all of that knowledge into action. It’s only a matter of time until you’ll find yourself face to fang with an immortal member; it’s a small undead world after all.

  The following is a breakdown of a few commonplace
occurrences and the appropriate responses that should help you get a handle on the whole “assimilating your world with the living-impaired” thing.

  HOW TO APPROACH SOMEONE WITH A DEATH WISH: THE VAMPIRE INTERVENTION

  No matter how many bodies pile up, there will always be some unfortunate person in your life who doesn’t completely understand the implications of joining up with Team Vampire. Too many people fall prey to the way the media campaign portrays the vampire life as a “sleep all day, party all night” lifestyle.

  Should a loved one become enchanted by the children of the night, the best way to reach her is by hosting a detailed and thorough Vampire Intervention. This is not an act to be taken lightly. It takes planning, patience, and a great deal of effort. By following these steps, hopefully your loved one will be swayed away from the bloodsucking way.

  Get Educated

  First and foremost, if you’re going to approach a person who is on the path toward vampirism, you must become knowledgeable of the facts. Find out and study everything you can on the type of vampire the subject is obsessing over. Make yourself aware of the subject’s motives.

  • Is he wrapped up in an undead relationship and under the assumption that turning himself will bring the love to a new pinnacle?

  • Has she been consorting with a Big Bad fanger, jonesing for a chance to join up with his unruly gang?

  • Has one of his loved ones recently been turned?

  • Is this being considered an easy out, because of unfortunate life circumstances?

  • What type of bloodline is she looking to hitch her veins up to?

  You must have informed answers for all of these types of questions so you can properly address the threat to the subject’s mortality. For instance, if the subject has fallen under the love spell of a Romantic Vampire, you will need to approach the situation from a different angle. Why is he seeking out love from dangerous places? You may want to involve a relationship therapist and inform her of the subject’s past emotional struggles.

  If your loved one is hungry to feast on the blood of a Big Bad type of Villain, she may be under the thrall of a nosferatu. Then it’s not just an intervention that you’ll need to be planning, but also a full-fledged spell-breaking session that snaps the connection between victim and host.

  Should the person in question be gunning for the life of the immortal because a loved one has been turned, the person’s grief is understandable. You have a few options based on the type of vampire the former loved one has become. If he’s transformed into a mindless killing machine, perhaps you should hire a vampire expert to document his current attitude and changes to share with the grief-stricken lover. And if you can control the situation and circumstances, a monitored field trip to the damned’s new place may be in order. Although it may be heartbreaking to witness someone coming face to face with the soulless shell of his former familiar companion, watching that loved one lap up a quart of blood should aid in turning the bereaved’s opinions. If, however, the subject is looking to join his turned loved one in an immortal unlife together, physically removing him from the vicinity and intervening directly with the turned companion may be in order; all but the most soulless of vampires prefer to avoid subjecting those closest to them from the same fate, even if it means they will lose them forever. (Unless the vampire involved is a Romantic Vampire, in which case he will put up a token resistance but typically succumb to his mortal mate’s wishes, particularly if the mortal mate’s life is at stake, which it often is.)

  It’s also important to assess the bloodline of the vampire the victim is enticed by; getting turned by an ancient vampire, although very rare, would give the victim unlimited abilities (versus being turned by a diluted half-breed vampire). This is important to know, as you’ll have to build your case more carefully, sharing the cons of becoming linked to such an ancient line (such as being unable to go outside during the daytime).

  Round Up the Troops

  You’ll need to assemble a support group of professionals and caring parties for the individual undergoing the intervention. Gather friends, family members, respected coworkers, and those who may be been nibbled on in practice by the vamp hopeful.

  Seek the Help of a Professional

  It is imperative to have a vampiric interventionist on hand for the meeting. Seek the help of someone who specializes in occult obsessions, specifically dealing with the nosferatu. This professional will be a reasonable voice amid the chaos and screams of “You tried to eat my dog!” managing to steer the intervention and keep the room calm.

  Do not, I repeat, do not use a slayer to host the intervention. Although slayers may be knowledgeable about the subject matter, their number one response to matters of this magnitude is stake first, ask questions later. It will be more beneficial for everyone to have a neutral, levelheaded, and informed member of vampiric lore to offer up options as opposed to bloody action.

  Put It to Paper

  Be direct; think of this as the last time you’ll ever be able to talk to this person while she’s still mortal, as it very well may be if the intervention doesn’t work. Put yourself in this state of mind so you’re able to speak from the heart.

  Use constructive feeling words. Do not attack; instead of using “you” statements, share your wishes as “I” statements. Stay away from accusatory hurtful exclamations. Statements such as “You’re a terrible bite junkie charmed by the undead” will only cause the subject to go on the defensive, and nothing will be accomplished if the intervention turns into a screaming match. Keep calm, speak from your heart, and do not attack or blame; for example, “When you hang out all night with vampires I feel fear. I am frightened when you hiss at me. I’m worried you will get imprisoned on an assault charge the next time you bite someone’s neck.”

  Compile a List of Helpful Alternative Options

  Keep a list handy of possible alternatives to this lifestyle. So she wants to join a vampire in unholy matrimony? Gently remind her that there are other options besides turning; for example, some human/vamp relationships have actually worked long-term. If it’s a desire to team up with a group of rabble-rouser vamps, offer up other alternatives and outlets for her aggression.

  Is he searching for fame? Suggest that he start a band. This approach can also offer camaraderie. (I apologize to the family members in advance for the inevitable Billy Idol-meets-Lestat groups that will no doubt be born out of this suggestion, but at least they will be safe and mortal.)

  Is she looking for danger? Tell her to switch occupations to something physical that incites and demands adrenaline control: join the armed forces, work in construction—is the Deadliest Catch gang hiring? Still not enough danger for her? Time to pick up a hobby. Extreme sports are always a healthy option.

  Is he in need of a little anger release? Set him up with a trainer, perhaps someone who can teach him them how to spar, box, and get all that angry tension out. Then once you’re convinced the aggression has subsided a little, see if he’s open to team sports.

  Is she feeling alone? Offer up heavy volunteer work. There she’ll be surrounded by people in need of real love and attention, which will hopefully pull her focus off her own misery and remind her that there are bigger problems than her own.

  Is he sick of the sunlight? Time to take up night jobs.

  The most important thing you can do is harness your own aggression, speak from the heart, and listen. Troubled souls are often attracted to the vampiric way. Find out what the underlying psychological issue is, and work from there. If all else fails, you can throw her into a psych ward to buy you some additional time, as many doctors today still don’t recognize vampires as a real threat.

  EIGHT STEPS TO A SAFE VAMPIRE RELATIONSHIP

  Alas, even though we’ve warned against it, and in spite of the fact that most vampire and human relationships end in bloody tears, there will still be plenty of you who decide to pursue a romantic relationship with a vampire.

  So in hopes of imparting s
ome wisdom to those who leave common sense behind in the name of undead love, here are some helpful steps to keep you, hopefully, bite free. But no promises.

  1. Determine Whether It’s Love, Lust, or Possession

  Come to grips with your emotions before you dedicate the rest of your mortal life to an immortal relationship. It’s no secret that Romantic Vampires are well versed in the art of seduction. It’s their undead gift, but you need to suss out whether what you’re feeling is the real deal or merely the aftereffects of a fang-gasm. Ask yourself:• Do you dream about the vampire only in purely sexual scenarios?

  • Do you think about your intended night and day and often find yourself daydreaming about different ways you can better perform his bidding?

  • Have you experienced loss of time around him for hours or even days?

  • Have you ever found yourself inexplicably running errands or feeling compelled to donate your blood, specifically to his private stash?

  • Do you sometimes hear his voice in your head asking you to do things you normally wouldn’t do?

  • Do you complete those commanded mind-controlled tasks?