Vampire Taxonomy

by Meredith Woerner

  14 We’ve also seen the virus take pill form as represented in the Swedish film Frostbiten.

  15 Vampires who use people as homing devices are seen in the Sookie Stackhouse series, the Twilight series, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Dracula 2000, The Forsaken, and The Vampire Chronicles (though these vamps are usually using one another).

  16 There seems to be a world of accessories available to vampirekind that allows them to wander into the daylight. In The Vampire Diaries, Stefan and Damon wear lapis lazuli rings that allow them into the morning light. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s “The Harsh Light of Day,” Spike uncovers the Gem of Amarra, a ring that makes him immune to things like staking, light, and garlic. Angel later gets his hands on the gem as a gift from his ex. But not all vampire rings will help you. Use caution when you’re playing with the trinkets of the undead. The is best demonstrated when Maximillian’s ring is placed on another in Vampire in Brooklyn. The bling instantly transforms the wearer into a vampire, with some below-the-belt assets (at least it’s not all bad).

  17 However, vampire detective Mick St. John of Moonlight was shockingly able to walk into the desert with a hat and sunglasses for some time until he eventually lost his will because of overexposure.

  18 Ray-Ban is a classic example of vampire marketing. Starting from when the character Michael prominently wore a pair of shades similar to Ray-Ban’s Club-masters line on the movie poster for The Lost Boys, the company began to pay attention to the vampire audience. In the late 1990s, Ray-Ban started to advertise its super-strength sunglasses line specifically to vampires. A smart move, as you can see that ad campaign’s influence even today in the exceedingly popular media representation of the Romantic Vampire; Twilight’s Edward Cullen’s daytime strutting, for example, is not complete without his Ray-Ban Wayfarers.

  19 Even Buffy’s Angel had to upgrade from his shiny leathers to tailored button-downs.

  20 Granted, Dracula never had the purest of love intentions, but his gaze was known to sexually excite even the most decent of women: From the 1931 Dracula with Helen Chandler as Mina: “When the dream came, it seemed the whole room was filled with mist. It was so thick, I could just see the lamp by the bed, a tiny spark in the fog. And then I saw two red eyes glaring at me. And a white livid face came down out of the mist. It came closer and closer. I felt its breath on my face and then its lips . . . oh!” Dracula has always straddled the Romantic, Villainous, and Tragic classifications, but the Lugosi representation is an exceedingly large influence on the portrayal of Romantic Vampires today. This is a classic example of the old seductive gaze; notice the “oh!”

  21 Note, however, that the presence or absence of fangs is not enough information alone to classify a Romantic Vampire. Many examples of the species do not have fangs, or they file their teeth down to blend in. But even Romantic Vamps with the dullest teeth have the jaw power to bite through just about any object, and when the sexual bloodlust is upon them, your arteries will look mighty appealing.

  22 True Blood, the television series based on the Charlaine Harris novels, created the most accurate representation of the “snake fang” vampire. The production crew modeled the look directly after a rattlesnake, which is about as close as you’ll get to the inside of a vampire’s mouth without scars.

  23 Anne Rice was dead-on when describing her vampires as having nails similar to glass throughout her Vampire Chronicles.

  24 Captured perfectly on film thanks to the slicked-back ’do modeled by actor Béla Lugosi.

  25 See the entire cast of The Lost Boys.

  26 Angel’s foe/sometime ally Spike often disparages Angel’s hair, referring to the “nancy-boy hair gel” he uses. Not that Billy Idol-tressed Spike has any room to criticize.

  27 See Cullen, Edward.

  28 The BBC series Being Human wasn’t terribly off with the idea of a vampire, a ghost, and a werewolf sharing a flat in Bristol.

  29 Although they may run “authentic” vampire bars, most Romantic Vamps are in it for profit and the occasional snack. See Fangtasia in the Southern Vampire Mystenes.

  30 Classic examples from the media of the vampire pheromone dance include a Halloween high school dance-off turned strip show to “Hands Off” in Once Bitten, Fright Night’s vampy club seduction dance to “Good Man in a Bad Time,” an unholy ballroom dance between Dracula and poorly accented Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing, and a disco two-step to “I Love the Nightlife” in Love at First Bite (though the song was strangely removed from the VHS and DVD releases and replaced with an unknown disco tune—staking the moment entirely).

  31 The vampire queen Santanico Pandemonium (as portrayed by Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn) used her smooth moves to great effect in entrancing patrons of the local trucker hangout. However, she proceeded to eat them all, cementing her final classification as a Villain rather than a Romantic Vampire.

  32 Both Sookie Stackhouse and Bella Swan are perfect examples of humans with special telekinetic powers that appeal to Romantic Vampires. Sookie cannot read the mind of Bill Compton or Eric Northman and thus finds them appealing and easy to be around (a new human reaction for the aged beasts!). Edward Cullen cannot read Bella’s thoughts but is immediately intrigued by her, perhaps for this very reason.

  33 See Jean-Claude from the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series.

  34 See any of the members of J. R. Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood or Christine Feehan’s Carpathians.

  35 See John Carpenter’s Vampires.

  36 The biggest pop culture offenders of elaborate vampire jewelry overdose include Drake from Blade: Trinity, Dwayne of The Lost Boys, Amelia from Underworld , Akasha in Queen of the Damned, and the vampire brides from Van Helsing (specifically Verona).

  37 Hamilton Deane, who directed the play Dracula, translated from Bram Stoker’s work, can actually take all of the credit for bringing the overdressed caped look to vampires back in the 1920s. Deane was the first to put the count in the infamous cape, and one of his stars of the stage was none other than Béla Lugosi.

  38 Dwight Renfield from The Night Flier actually cruises around in a full-fledged Dracula costume (cape and all) murdering unsuspecting commuters. Although his warped catlike face is frightening, the clothes are truly the scariest part of his getup.

  39 See Igor; Brudah, Count Yorga, Vampire; and Koukol, The Fearless Vampire Killers.

  40 Scud the techie familiar from Blade II.

  41 30 Days of Night.

  42 Count Orlok, Nosferatu; the pasty Radu, Subspecies; John Stone in A Taste of Blood transforming into a pale skin-peeling vampire.

  43 Pop culture has provided a fairly accurate representation of the many animal forms these creatures can mutate into. The film Van Helsing gives Dracula and his brides the ability to transform into giant bat beasts when angered and ready to fight; Damon of The Vampire Diaries can transform into a crow; there’s the aforementioned snake lady stripper Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk Till Dawn; and we’ve also seen wolves and other frightening beasts.

  44 Granted, we shouldn’t give GDT all of the credit for keeping us on our toes for possibly frightening vampiric mutations. David Cronenberg’s 1977 film Rabid brought us the porn star with the armpit stinger and insatiable appetite for blood. This is another excellent media example to remind us all that not all vampires come with fangs.

  45 See The Tenth Circle, Part VI: Heartbreaker.

  46 See The Lost Boys.

  47 See The Night Flier.

  48 The vampire hunter is well known for her resistance to mind control.

  49 Vampire pranks shouldn’t be confused with general vampire buffoonery such as the Joss Whedon-directed episode of The Office, “Business School,” in which Jim convinces Dwight that he is turning into a vampire. A good vampire prank done well on a friend is always funny; persuading someone to eat a pigeon, on the other hand, is not. Mind you, if you try to prank a real vampire, you’re on your own.

  50 See Vampires: Los Muertos.

  51 Never forge
t the tragic lessons learned by the heroes in The Fearless Vampire Killers and Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood.

  52 Even the tragic figure Angel, who spent the better part of the final TV season in suits running Wolfram & Hart, the evil legal firm, was still continually called out for repeating the same ready-to-wear style every day. When asked by a swami (in “Guise Will Be Guise,” Angel, Season 2) why he dressed head to toe in black when “it’s been eighty degrees in the shade, lately,” Angel responds, “I don’t really have a body temperature, so . . . It’s just . . . this way I don’t have to worry about matching. I don’t actually have a reflection, so . . . ” His response demonstrates the importance of practicality over style for Tragic Vampires.

  53 Poor vampire Eddie withered away into a pale and weak creature while Jason Stackhouse and Amy Burley kept him imprisoned in their basement as a personal V-juice on tap in the True Blood television series. This is an excellent physical re-creation of how an underfed vampire will appear.

  54 See Twilight, Moonlight, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  55 The entire Anne Rice novel Interview with the Vampire is in effect a long self-loathing look into vampire Louis’s miserable life (from his perspective).

  But perhaps the vampire Spike has the best take on the whole monologu ing self-pitying vamp. In Angel, “From the Dark,” while Angel rebuffed gratitude from a woman he saved, Spike lent his own voiceover and opinion to the tired Tragic Vampire lecture, saying (in a mock-Angel voice), “Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love—and a pesky curse—defanged me. Now I’m just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth . . . No, helping those in need’s my job—and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof, is truly thanks enough! Say no more. Evil’s still afoot!”

  56 See Sadie Blake, Rise: The Blood Hunter.

  57 Joss Whedon in an interview with GreenCine on October 29, 2007.

  58 Notorious as the most callous of the vigilante vampires is Proinsias Cassidy from the Preacher comics (known simply as Cassidy to his very few mates). He’s cold, crass, a drug addict, and constantly dealing with the fact that he has murdered multiple people whom he cares about. This makes for fantastic conversation, and he is possibly one of the most fascinating to watch of the tortured souls.

  59 Not to mention the problems arising from simple cases of mistaken identity. Even Tragic Hero Angel misguidedly killed a demon warrior in the episode “Judgment”; as it turned out, the fallen warrior was trying to protect the very victim Angel was also trying to save.

  60 Though he straddles classifications across the board, Spike is still a perfect example of those vampires who walk the line of smart-ass vigilante. When the Buffy vampire gets neutered (a microchip that shocks him whenever he has the intent to do harm is implanted), he’s forced to release his pent-up aggression elsewhere. Cue the witty banter and nonchalant attitude toward fighting evil, for example, “I would [fight] but I’m paralyzed with not caring very much” (Buffy, “Triangle”).

  61 Sexy Vampire Forehead (see the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic, Season 8, Issue 21, “Harmonic Divergence”).

  62 Think miserable old cat-eating Alex from Tale of a Vampire.

  63 See Once Bitten, My Best Friend Is a Vampire, Fright Night 2, and The Kiss of the Vampire.

  64 Buffy the Vampire Slayer and True Blood both include the act of burial as part of their vampire transformation rituals.

  65 See Michael from The Lost Boys when he’s pissed and hungry.

  66 In the film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Miss Lucy displayed a lovely set of fang buds moments before she was ravaged by Dracula in wolf form.

  67 One of the earliest legends was of a Dhampir (son of Dracula) who was partnered with a team of human vampire hunters because he could form a psychological connection to the hunted vampire and was strong enough to go against the beast in question.

  68 Blade the vampire slayer was originally a man who fought the good fight against vampires in his own comic book series. He first appeared in Marvel Comics’ The Tomb of Dracula. His only tricks, besides his dashing good looks and Afro, were a pair of green sunglasses that could block a vampire’s mind control. But he was not a Dhampir. That was changed first in a Spider-Man cartoon (where Blade cameoed) and later on for his Hollywood series.

  69 Although both versions of Interview with the Vampire show that the vampire coven in Paris executes Claudia with sunlight, in the novel The Vampire Armand, we learn that Armand tried to give Claudia the adult body she always wanted by switching out her body with a grown woman’s. His motivation? Perhaps he was willing to do anything to get her away from Louis, or just aware of the painful existence of being an immortal vampire stuck in a tiny body. Still, it lends credence to the theory that other vampires are generally uncomfortable or sympathetic to an undead child and would go to great lengths to fix this unfortunate “situation.”

  The movie adaptation of Interview with the Vampire isn’t the only film in which uneasy minds wrestled with the existence of Child Vampires. In the DVD commentary for Blade, writer David Goyer revealed that there was a scene in

  which the main woman character, Karen Jenson, discovered a jar with a vampire baby inside. Both Blade and Whistler kept the creature to run vampire experiments upon, but the studio cut this material, deeming it disturbing, as all things Child Vampire seem to be.

  70 This technique was actually best executed by Child Vampire Homer from Near Dark. He would simply throw a bike in the middle of the road, sit down, and wait. Dinner would come to him. This movie also showed the eventual dynamic that forms when you sire a child when Homer remarks, “Do you any idea what it’s like to be a big man on the inside and have a small body on the outside?” And fellow vampire Severen replies, “You have any idea what it’s like to hear about it every night?” The mutual resentment is almost inevitable.

  71 John Carpenter’s Vampires, The Forsaken, and Vampires: Los Muertos are all good examples of vamps taking residence in run-down towns in order to keep a low profile.

  72 Vampire harems run rampant through pop culture, including Van Helsing, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, and Lesbian Vampire Killers.

  73 Carmilla, the groundbreaking novella published in 1872, featured lesbian vampire characters and is still looked at as a sexually revolutionary text.

  74 A few famous examples are Ziodex Industries (synthetic blood refinery, Underworld), the Denham Corporation (The Satanic Rites of Dracula), Berm-Tech Industries (telephone company, Netherbeast Incorporated) and Russell Winters Enterprises (Angel).

  75 See the vampire series Blue Bloods, Underworld, The Vampire Chronicles, and Twilight’s Cullen family.

  76 Not to be confused with the actual vampire condom, which is an all-black latex condom being sold on the Internet. It’s packaged in matchbooks, and its motto is “Vampires Always Get Invited Inside.”

  77 Household items that could cause pain or discomfort for your vampire are as common as table salt. Ancient supernatural lore has hailed salt as a deterrent for the undead. The theory is that if you sprinkle seeds or salt on the ground, a vampire will have to stop and count each grain before he can cross over. Now imagine if you spilled a shaker on the floor of the kitchen. That’s a lot of time spent sorting grains if you’re not around to stop him. Another sore spot for vampires is roses and other thorned branches. Boughs of these types of pricklies have been cited in folklore as the only means of restraining a member of the undead.

  78 You don’t even need to make your own vampire kit; the market is practically teeming with travel-size Nosferatu insurance. The kit itself isn’t a new idea; in fact, an 1800s vampire kit was sold for $14,850 at an estate sale in Natchez, Mississippi, in October 2008. It contained candles, a cross, holy water, a Bible, a gun with silver bullets, stakes, mirrors, and garlic. It’s one of many vampire kits circulating in the world today. (Many have wound up in museums. One in particula
r sits at the Mercer Museum in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.)

  79 If you’re a loyal newspaper reader, it’s likely you’ll occasionally read a suspicious article in which a group of “ruffians” has tried to take over a location, yet is mysteriously thwarted from causing any more trouble by sunup. And every once in a while, you’ll get something really special like the Boston Globe’s report of a vampire teen uprising in the Boston Latin Public School on March 26, 2009.