Accidental Romance

by Melanie Brown

  “Wow,” I said. “These pictures are pretty damning. Does anybody actually read these things?”

  Nathan shook his head in disbelief. “Are you kidding, bro? You’d be surprised how many people just soak that shit up. Tony is constantly making sure my picture is in as many of those as possible, along with Us, OK!, People… you name it. Anything to create buzz. If the buzz stops, you start doing commercials about prostate products or reverse mortgages.”

  I wrinkled my nose at Nathan. “I guess any publicity is good publicity, huh?”

  Nate nodded. “Pretty much, bro. That’s why Tony was actually excited instead of mad about those tabloid pics. It’s creating a lot of buzz about me in this town. And that’s a good thing. By the way, you’re adorable when you do that thing with your nose.”

  I whacked Nathan again with a rolled up newspaper and shouted, “Will you please stop?”

  * * *

  I thought we’d be going to a movie or recording studio, but Nathan’s agent was located in an office building downtown. Well, he had a suite of offices for his agency. We were greeting by a very pretty receptionist.

  Smiling a broad toothy smile, the receptionist stood up and said as we walked up, “Mr. Demarco is expecting you, Mr. Adams. You may go right up.” The smile was for Nathan and it was obvious she wanted to have his babies. Her eyes fell on me, and the smile evaporated and I sensed intense envy as she started to sit back down.

  Nathan returned the smile to her. “Thanks Jenny. Lovely as always.” He turned to me. “Come on. The elevators are down this way.”

  The lobby was expansive, with lots of glass, chrome and highly polished granite. Some people passed us as we walked over to the gold toned elevator doors. I caught one of them saying before they faded out of ear shot, “He dumped Sharon Swanson for her? Is she even legal… ?”

  Nathan gave me an embarrassed grin as we stepped into the elevator car. “Don’t let it bother you, bro. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.”

  As the doors closed and Nate pressed the button for the floor of Tony’s office I said, “I just don’t get it. Every woman we passed looked at me as if they hated me. I don’t know these people. And that last comment… ‘Is she even legal?’ What is that supposed to mean? We’re the same age. How old do I look?”

  Nathan grunted as he looked down at his feet. “They’re just jealous, that’s all. They think we’re dating. And the ones that act like that think I should be dating them instead.” He paused for a moment and squinted at me. He continued, saying, “And if I had to guess… in all honesty, you look to be about fifteen.”

  I said, “Really? I never would have thought.” I paused a moment, and then laughed, “You’re a regular cradle robber, aren’t you?”

  Before he could answer, the elevator doors slid open, revealing another large lobby area and on the wall in bold black letters it announced, “Anthony Demarco Talent Agency.” With a gesture, Nathan indicated that we should go in the direction of the small reception desk at the end of the short hallway.

  The receptionist smiled at Nate and buzzed open the door and said, “Go on back, Mr. Adams. Mr. Demarco is expecting you.”

  Nate returned the smile, “Thank you Catherine. Lovely as always.” He then gestured that I should enter the doorway first.

  I stopped after we passed through the door. “I just realized it. Saying ‘Lovely as always’ is your catch-phrase, like saying ‘I’ll be back’ or ‘See you next Wednesday’.”

  Nate raised his right hand and said with a grin, “Guilty as charged, bro. Come on. I don’t want to keep Tony waiting.”

  Nathan opened the door to Tony’s office and let me enter first. I was expecting a huge office with a huge desk with a huge view over-looking Los Angeles with a balding, glaring man with a stogie in his mouth, scowling from behind his desk. Instead, before me spread a modestly large office, with piles of paper scattered around, a nicked up wooden desk with a cluttered surface, a picture window but with blinds pulled, obscuring any view, and behind the desk was a short man with longish graying hair pulled back into a ponytail.

  Tony smiled as we entered, waved us in and said, “Guys! Come on in. We have a lot to discuss.” He got up and removed a stack of papers from one of the two chairs in front of his desk and said, “Sit down! Sit down.”

  Nate and I sat down and Tony returned to his seat behind his desk. He took a few moments to study both of us. Looking at Nate and pointing at me, he said, “You sure that’s not a girl? She looks like someone who’d hang out with my youngest daughter.”

  I smiled nervously and said, “Yes, Tony… ah… sir. I’m most definitely male.”

  Tony raised his eyebrows and let out a low whistle. “Well, I’m not sure if I’d say ‘definitely’. You say you’re a friend of Nathan’s? What’s your name kid, and are you over eighteen?”

  Feeling uncomfortable and unsure of why I was here, I said, “My name is Bobby Johnson and yes, I’m twenty-five.”

  Nate leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head. “We went to school together; most of middle school and high school. He’s going to house sit my place while I’m in Europe.” Nathan glanced at his expensive watch and continued, “You and I need to talk script changes, but I don’t understand why you wanted Bobby here.”

  Tony got out of his chair and walked around to the front of his desk and leaned back against it, causing a pile of paper to fall and slide across the surface of the desktop. “I’ll tell you why. My phone hasn’t stopped ringing all morning. The buzz has been amazing. The past few weeks, you and Sharon being such a hot topic of all the gossip rags with your rocky relationship and then these pictures surface, of you, not with Sharon, but with some cute, young blonde chick. The gossip writers are going wild. Absolutely ape-shit.”

  I leaned forward and said, “So? That cute young blonde chick is me and we weren’t on a date and he didn’t cheat on Sharon Swanson. I’m just an old school friend looking for a job where I don’t have to actually work.”

  “Yes. And so far, only us three know the truth,” said Tony. “And it’s going to stay that way. Nathan, you’re being talked about all over town this morning. You and that ‘mystery girl’. Everyone wants to know about your relationship with Sharon and that girl in the photos. Your popularity points are going up because most of your fans never liked you dating Sharon. And now, you’re seen with an ‘every girl’, a non-celebrity that your key female demographics can relate to. They like this girl. She could be one of them, and they want to see more of her.”

  Nathan frowned and sat up straight in his chair. “Tony, I’m glad I’m getting such good publicity, but it’s a case of mistaken identity. There is no girl, bro. I just need to patch things back up with Sharon.”

  Tony folded his arms and gave Nate a sour smile, “Really? Not this time Nate. She stormed in here this morning and said she never wanted to see you again and that she was getting a new agent. She fired me, Nathan. If you have feelings for her, you can try to get back together. But we both know that the past few months were just for you and her mutual publicity.”

  I sank back into my chair as a wave of dread washed over me. I said, “Now I see why I’m here. She fired you because of me. If you’re going to sue me, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a dime to my name.”

  Tony laughed, “No, darlin’. I’m not going to sue you. I want to hire you. For a while anyway.”

  Incredulous, I leaned forward. “Hire me? Hire me for what? I mean, Nathan just hired me to baby sit his house.”

  Tony looked from me, to Nathan and back to me again. “I want to hire you to baby sit Nathan’s career. I want you to be his girlfriend until after he leaves for Europe. Maybe for the whole time if you want to keep house sitting. Then we can cook up some reason to break up and you go your merry way.”

  Nate folded his arms and frowned, “That’s got to be the stupidest idea you’ve ever had. You want me to date a guy? Are you insane? If word got out about that, the only
gig I’d be able to get would be an Orgasmo sequel.”

  “Are you kidding? It’s a great idea!” exclaimed Tony. “You get rid of Sharon; you have a date for the Oscars and you’re a good actor. If you have to kiss a few times, it’s nothing you can’t handle. And, not to mention, you won’t be distracted by a real relationship, so we can get the script finalized. The studio is pissed that we’re making script changes this late in production.”

  Nathan looked thoughtful for a moment, “Hmm. You know, bro…”

  I jumped up and shouted, “Well, I think it’s an absolutely horrible idea! I think Nathan’s a rockin’ dude, but I don’t want to date him! I… I… I came out here looking for a lazy job, not a boyfriend. I can’t act. I can’t pretend to be a girl. Nate’s right. It’s insane!”

  Nathan raised his hand in an obvious “stop” gesture. “Now wait a second, bro. I think it might work. We put in a few appearances, and then I can spend enough time working out our script changes without having to worry about keeping some bitch happy. I think that would work.”

  I said, “You’ve lost your mind.”

  Tony said, “I’ve already called a plastic surgeon who works on the Q-T and takes money under the table who could get you some boobs. Not big ones, just B cups. He’ll have an opening Monday for you. He has a technique that doesn’t do any scaring. And it’s reversible.”

  I backed a few feet away with a horrified expression. “Both of you are totally fucked in the brain. I don’t want boobs. I don’t want to be a fake girlfriend. I’m definitely not your boy.”

  Tony said flatly, “I’ll pay you. You can be my personal secretary. Look around. I definitely need one and it’d be a great cover story for you.”

  “Pay me? How much?” And then I came to my senses and added, “Not that I’m going to do it.”

  Tony smiled. “We can negotiate that later. It’d be more than you’d make housekeeping.”

  Nathan turned towards me. “Come one, bro. I’m asking you as a personal favor. I mean, it’s a win win win for us. I get several weeks of great buzz, and the extra time I need, you’d get a nice paycheck plus getting to attend a few Hollywood parties, not to mention the Academy Awards. And Tony gets his office organized.”

  Frowning I said sarcastically, “Gee Nathan, you make it so hard to resist.”

  Tony said, “I know this is a bit unorthodox, but as long as you don’t fuck it up, I think it’ll work.”

  * * *

  It was mid afternoon as Tony drove his car into his driveway and parked. He said, “This is my house. My daughter is nineteen and I think she’ll be great at showing how to wear make-up and act like a girl. I don’t suppose you packed any dresses?”

  I frowned and with sarcasm dripping from my voice, said, “No. I left them all at home. I’m still not sure about this, Tony.”

  Tony patted my knee, “Don’t worry your pretty little head. You’ll do fine.”

  “You know I think this scheme of yours is crazy,” I said as we walked towards Tony’s spacious Malibu home.

  As he opened the door, Tony said, “Duly noted. For the fiftieth time.”

  We stepped into the nicely furnished, but not gaudy living room. Tony shouted, “Steph? Are you home?”

  From the depths of a hallway a female voice answered, “Back here, in my room, Dad.”

  Tony nodded with his head in an obvious come-this-way gesture. As we walked down the hall, I noted the family pictures of a boy and two girls in various stages of growing up.

  As we entered what I assumed to be Steph’s room, Tony rested a hand on my shoulder and said, “Steph, meet Bobby. As you can see, Bobby is in desperate need to learn how to wear make-up and other-wise act girlie.”

  Steph gave me a wide smile and waved. “Hey, Bobbi. Nice to meet you!”

  I felt like a total jerk standing there. I’m a total guy and I’m being introduced to a teen girl as someone who needs to be taught how to wear make-up. I felt my cheeks flush. “Nice to meet you too.”

  Tony suddenly reached around to his back pocket and removed his wallet. From there, he pulled out a credit card and offered it to Steph. “Take Bobby shopping before it gets too late, okay? Look for a nice cocktail dress too. I have to get back to the office. Bye, Steph; Bobby.”

  Steph looked at me curiously for a moment and then said, “I don’t mean to pry, but, your mom hasn’t taught you how to wear make-up? Or even your friends at school? I think I learned the most from my friends.”

  I smiled sheepishly. “Well, never in a million years would my mother have considered teaching me how to wear make-up. Neither would any girl I had known back in school.”

  Steph started to look uncomfortable as she looked at me a little more closely, “You… you’re not a girl, are you?”

  Wishing I was elsewhere, I said, “No. And I’m not a teen, either.”

  Steph’s eyes widened. “Really? Sorry, but I just assumed you were a girl in high school. Dad didn’t exactly warn me.”

  Gesturing, I said, “Oh, don’t apologize to me! And yes, your dad should have warned you. He talked me into a crazy plan and then we headed here where he said you’d be happy to teach me how to wear make-up and be more like a girl.”

  Steph laughed, “My dad is always cooking up crazy plans! What’s the plan that has you going through the horrors of wearing make-up?”

  I started to feel a bit more relaxed. “He wants me to pretend to be Nathan Adams’ girlfriend as well as be your dad’s secretary. Pretty stupid, huh?”

  “Wow!” exclaimed Steph. “It’s not fair! You get to date Nathan Adams and you don’t care.” She paused a moment, then said, “Or do you?”

  I laughed at her question. “I’ve known Nate since middle school back in Texas when his family moved in next to our house. I like Nate, but no, I’m not all that excited at the idea of dating him.”

  She suddenly pointed at me and exclaimed, “You’re the one kissing Nathan! Oh my God!”

  I made a time-out gesture and said, “There was no kiss. He was whispering in my ear.”

  “I’m not sure if that’s any better,” suggested Steph. “Okay. You want to know how to put on make-up? It’s going to take more than one lesson to learn how to do it properly, but we can get you started. Come over here.”

  We both sat down in front of her dresser or vanity or whatever it’s called and she started naming off what the various cosmetics were. She laughed when I shrank back from the touch and smell of the foundation.

  “You’ll get used to it. You should moisturize, but we have a lot of ground to cover this afternoon.” As she smoothed in the foundation she continued, “We have to get you presentable so we can go to the mall and get you some clothes and a cocktail dress. I guess Daddy wants you to go with Nathan to the gala tomorrow night.”

  “Oh God, I don’t think I’m ready for going out in public. And what gala?” I said as she dusted my face with powder with a large, soft brush.

  Steph grinned, “Well, you’re going out in public with me this evening! The gala is a big fund raiser for breast cancer research. Everyone who’s anyone will be there.” She studied me for a moment and then said, “You’re so young looking… sorry if it bothers you, but you do look like a teen. Younger than me, even. Anyway, I think I’ll make your eyeliner a little heavier. As teens, we can do more with our eyes than older women.”

  “Looking young doesn’t bother me,” I said. “I got into movies for kids prices for the longest time.”

  Steph worked on my face for at least half an hour before declaring that was all the damage she could do. Leaning back to get an over-all view she announced, “You look damn good, girl. Even if I say so myself! Go ahead, look in the mirror.”

  I’d been deliberately not looking in the mirror, except when Steph wanted me to see just what she’d done so I could learn it. I turned my head and took a good long look into the mirror. “Holy shit!” I exclaimed. “Is that me?”

  Steph laughed, “Yep, that’s you. I don’t
know why you’d be surprised. You’re actually very pretty without make-up. Look how good you look in those tabloid pictures. But with make-up, you’re gorgeous!”

  Steph studied me a moment, like a sculptor studying the stone he’s carving. “It’s fine for now, but we really need to do something with your hair. Especially before tomorrow night. Anyway, stand up and walk around the room. I want to see how you move.”

  “Yes sir!” I said smartly as I rose. I walked around her room, trying to sway my hips and I held my arm out somewhat with my hand hanging limply at the wrist. I stopped and put my hand on my hip. “Okay, how’s that?”

  Steph just grinned and shook her head. “That’s great if you’re auditioning for Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Look, women aren’t sissies and we’re not basically just gay men with boobs. Our movement is more graceful than a man’s, but most of us aren’t prissy little bitches. Try again, but this time, not so exaggerated and try to smooth your body movements. Go ahead.”

  I walked around the room, trying to follow her directions. After a few circuits, I stopped and said, “How’s that?”