Overdone_The Loss of Reason

by Paloma Meir

  “She’s beautiful. Can we wake her up?” Hello Astrid.” Astrid nodded her head as a greeting. She only spoke to me in English. She didn’t want to speak to others until she was completely fluent.

  “She’s cranky from the pressure on her ears. She’ll wake up soon. Let’s go inside and see what I’ve gotten myself into. Does this look as rundown to you as it does to me?”

  “It’s cute. I’m sure it’s fine.” I opened the front door, and we walked through the rooms. I was pleased that the inside was immaculate. The owner had even left a giant fruit basket and a friendly welcoming note. I realized his generosity was based on the fact that I hadn’t negotiated the price down. Oh well, live and learn. We would be happy here.

  We went upstairs and put Louisa down in her crib in the small bedroom that connected to my larger bedroom. Astrid took the room down the hall from ours. Carolina helped me unpack my one suitcase. I would shop the next day for more clothes, not fancy ones though, a wardrobe more appropriate for the mother of a little girl.

  “Should I call Serge and have him come over? He was so happy you were coming home.” Carolina sat on my bed and asked.

  “We can’t have him come over here. He’ll see Louisa and figure it out. I can’t have any more people knowing before Danny. That wouldn’t be fair and I don’t think Serge would keep it a secret.”

  “Why don’t you just call Danny right now and tell him. Wouldn’t that be easier?” She picked up the phone that lay on the bed between us and held it up to me.

  “I’m afraid.” I took the phone from her hand and placed it on the bedside table, “I did something horrible, not on purpose but what is done is done. It’s hard to reconcile when the end result is my perfect baby Louisa. If I called him and blurted it out there would be anger and questions. I wrote it all down in my letter if only he would read it. He might still be emotional but I wouldn’t have to relive it. My way is better.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” She paused and looked at me as if I were a mental patient, “Why would he be angry? Give yourself an end date to this game. Pick a day and if he hasn’t gotten your message, you have to tell him. Make that soon. What you’re doing is wrong.”

  “Don’t judge me. It’s an unusual situation.” I wanted the conversation over, but knew she was right. “Okay Valentine’s day. That’s about six weeks away. I’m writing him a new letter tomorrow and I’m texting him love notes. Okay I’m sure he’ll read this one. I’ll set that date.”

  “Good.” She rolled her eyes at me. “Let’s have Serge meet us at La Scala. You’ve always loved it there. I want to see both of you as much as possible for the next three days.” She took her phone out of her purse to call him. “He’s starting work soon. All those years of physics, and now he’s going to be a lawyer” She laughed lightly, "I was sure he would go back to it after he came back from Peru. Oh well.”

  …

  Carolina spent the next three days with me. We spent the mornings with Louisa and Astrid and the afternoons with Serge. I was a little jetlagged so I skipped the nights out with them. They made the city feel like a home.

  I fell into the habit of spending my afternoons with Serge after she left. He would take me around the town as if I were a tourist. We roamed Hollywood Blvd going into the dive shops and eating the cheap unhealthy food those locations offered. I put off his requests to meet Louisa by pretending she was cranky from the travel. I couldn’t say that after the first week so I told him she missed her father, and I didn’t want to expose her to other men for fear of confusion. The things I said didn’t make sense but him not knowing about babies helped him believe my stories.

  He took me to LACMA on a gray day about two weeks after Carolina had left. We were standing by the Tar Pits when I told him a story I had heard as a child about a man who had drowned himself in the oily goo after having been spurned by his lover.

  “You don’t really believe that.”

  “It’s true someone told me once. I think it was my 4th grade science teacher.”

  “You’re not big on critical thinking are you?”

  “Stop it Serge."

  As I laughed he pulled me towards him, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me slowly and deeply for a long time. It was heaven. I knew I should pull away. I didn’t care for him that way but it felt too good. He let go of me and smiled.

  “I don’t want to bore you with talk of Danny but I plan to get back together with him very soon. I don’t need you to fall in love with me like everyone else does. It’s a pain and would be awkward because you’re my friend.”

  “It would be a pain? I’m not in love with you. I just want to fuck you hard but I know that won’t happen. So don’t worry.”

  I hated that kind of language even with Danny, but it was kind of sexy coming from Serge because I knew he would never do anything to hurt me.

  “Don’t speak coarsely to me. Kiss me one more time but that’s it.” I thought I would die if he didn’t kiss me again and quickly. He obliged my request, pulling me tightly against him but in a different way than Danny or Paolo. It felt protective, more concerned with me than himself. I had only really ever been with Danny and Paolo. My one afternoon with the waiter in Barcelona had been a mistake, and I had loved them both. This emotional detachment was different. I really liked it. His hand moved up the front of my long black coat towards my breast. I moved away.

  “Don’t get carried away.” I wanted him to kiss me again, but I restrained myself.

  “Your Danny idea is not going to work sweetheart. He is supremely angry with you and he has a girlfriend.” He swatted my nose.

  “He’s had a million girlfriends, but he only loves me. I sent him a letter. I’m sure he’ll call me soon.” I had sent it the week before and he hadn’t responded. I was getting worried. I would hate to have to tell him over the phone.

  “You could do better.” He wrapped his arms around me again and pulled me in for another kiss. I moved away.

  “I’m not kissing you again until you cut off that hair. It’s embarrassing. I’m worried people will think I’m a pothead standing with you like this.”

  “You don’t want to be my Ganja Queen? I’ll go home and cut it off if you kiss me one more time.”

  “Fair enough.” I said wanting his lips on my again. It was a long kiss this time well over five minutes. I could have stood there until the end of time with his arms around me, his mouth on mine. He pulled away. I hated that. I usually pulled away.

  “Let’s go. Tomorrow my hair will be gone. I’ll take you to Chinatown. Good for you?" He asked as we walked toward the parking lot across the street.

  “I wonder if this is what high school was like.” I asked as I linked my arm through his.

  “We have to work on your communication skills.” He patted my head with his free hand.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well we just kissed. I feel frustrated inside. Sexual frustration? That’s what this feeling would be, I’m used to being satisfied. Even with Danny in the very beginning long before we had sex. He would take care of me with his hand. I never went through the dating years of just kissing people that my friends went through.”

  He stopped walking to face me.

  “What?”

  I began to explain myself again.

  “My question was rhetorical. Do you always say such deeply personal things to people? I don’t know what to say. I’ll satisfy you Zelda.”

  “Was that inappropriate? What’s the point of any of it if you can’t be honest? Thanks for the offer but I like this feeling.” I shrugged trying to make myself feel embarrassed.

  “You want a high school experience?”

  “It wasn’t on my list but yes that would be one of the things I would like to have before going off with Danny for good.”

  “I had no idea how strange you were until today. My whole life I thought you were this cute innocent kid. I’m going to give you your high school experience.”

  “
Really? That’s so sweet. I’ll have to tell Danny when we get back together. I don’t think it will bother him but I can’t make any promises about that.”

  “You seemed so together with your business and living in Spain with your older man for all those years, having a baby. This new side to you is throwing me off. You have some odd ideas about love and sex.”

  “Oh forget it then Serge. You’re too narrow minded for me.” As much as I enjoyed kissing him, it wouldn’t ruin my life if it never happened again.

  “No, I’m not going to forget. We’ll do this, you and me, high school. One rule. I don’t want to hear about Danny. No talk of plans. I had enough of that on his end. I’ll let him know about us, but no questions from you. Deal?”

  I looked at him and weighed my options, not understanding how we came to this strange arrangement. It was a thought in my head that flew out. He was right, it was ridiculous. This was Serge, I looked for the nerdy boy in him, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Maybe that boy had never really existed. If I said yes I knew that I might eventually sleep with him.

  “Okay, but I don’t want to call it a high school experience.” That wouldn’t have been fair to Danny, I couldn’t have had a better high school boyfriend, or even college boyfriend, no matter how abruptly and badly our relationship had ended. “Let’s call it a casual arrangement. I’ve never had that either. I know what I said about your hair and expect you to do it tonight but I want you to kiss me right now.”

  We kissed again for longer than before. He tried to pull away from me but I held him tighter. If it hadn’t started raining I am sure that we would still be standing by the Tar Pits for all eternity.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was late and drizzly but I was outside on the balcony stripping my boards anyway. Serge came in through the front door looking determined to do something. He went straight into the kitchen, grabbed the kitchen shears and yelled out to me. “We need to talk. I’ll be right back.”

  He went to his room and slammed the door behind him. I went back to my boards. He had been antsy with this empty period of time between the exam and his job, gone all day every day. I didn’t know what he had been up to. I had been busy with the architects and zoning commission in preparation of the houses being bulldozed. I would miss my shack on the beach but onto bigger and better things.

  I heard the door to his room open and his footsteps back to the kitchen but didn’t look up. I needed to concentrate on my boards. I didn’t want to nick them in the darkness of the early evening.

  “Danny. I know you don’t want to talk about this but we have to.” I looked up to see him standing in front of me. His dreadlocks were gone, little tufts of hair stuck out where they had been before. I knew it had been Zelda who had made him do this, infecting us with her sickness.

  “Zelda didn’t like your dreadlocks? Predictable. Do what you need to do Serge.” I went back to scrapping the board.

  “It’s not what you think. I don’t know what it is.”

  “Enjoy the tailspin.” I didn’t look up.

  “She loves you. She thinks you two are getting back together. Did she write you another letter?"

  Rage built inside of me. I wanted to snap my board in half.

  “Tell her to stop texting me before I say something she doesn’t want to hear. No Serge we are not getting back together. Why doesn’t she go back to France? Or Nepal? Anywhere off my continent.”

  “Tell me you mean this and you’re not speaking out of your crazy anger. You mean more to me than her, in that way at least.” I thought for a moment, reining in my anger. I wanted to be honest with him. This couldn’t have been easy for him.

  “I’m never going to get past my hate.”

  “Did you read her letter?”

  “I threw it away.” I would have to get rid of the one Serge saved on the refrigerator. Burn some sage throughout our home. Exorcise her devil spirit once and for all.

  “I’m not going to sleep with her. It’s not about that.”

  “Well then you’re missing out. That’s her skill set. If she ever lost her money she could make a good living. I would pay for it if it meant she would go away after.” I looked down at my boards choked up for an unknown reason, the anger temporarily released.

  “You’re crossing a line. Pull it together dude. She’ll always be my friend.”

  “Word of advice? She doesn’t like slang. Don’t do your dude, bro, man around her. You can’t curse around her either. It flips her out.” That was as generous as I could be with her.

  “The dude, bro, man was for you.” He walked back into his room.

  Chapter Twenty

  I had the perfect schedule. I spent my mornings with Louisa, just the two of us at the park or walking around town to give Astrid some much needed time off. Serge would pick me up at Louisa’s naptime around noon and we would explore the city. He would bring me home in the late afternoon to spend my evenings with Louisa and Astrid.

  He couldn’t come into my house because of Louisa, and we couldn’t go to his house because of Danny, so occasionally we would drive up to Mulholland. I would bring a blanket and make a picnic lunch when the weather was warm. We would sit and eat our lunch on the grassy bluff overlooking the Valley.

  The day was sunny and bright so I packed us a lunch of baguettes and cheeses with apple cider in an old picnic basket I had found in my rental house. He drove us up to our favorite spot off the main highway and we laid a plaid blanket on the plateau and stretched out picking at the selection of cheeses.

  “I’m trying my best to be patient but don’t people with casual arrangements kiss each other a lot?” I asked as he lay back on the blanket looking up at the clear sky.

  “I’m glad you asked about that. Yes that’s what people in “casual arrangements” do, but today we’re going to take a big step. I’m going to feel you up. It’s the natural progression.” He sat up facing me.

  “I should probably take off my bra then so you get the full effect.” He always made me laugh. “Turn around” I pulled it off through a series of complicated arm movements. “I’m ready.”

  He moved his hand under my loose white shirt. His rough tan hand touched my breast in a tender way, his finger flicking over my nipple.

  “I was hoping they were implants. Oh well.” He kissed me, taking my whole breast in his hand. I died. His kisses were deep but with a hesitancy that left me wanting me more of him. “Am I making you frustrated?” He asked as he looked into my eyes.

  “Yes. I’m going to die from this. I love it.” I pulled away admiring his now fuzzy head. “I have two breasts Serge. I need balance.” I took his other hand and put it under my top. Both hands now held me firmly, a hungry look on his face. Kissing wouldn’t be enough for either of us today.

  “I’m going to put my hand down your pants.”

  “Do you always announce what you’re going to do before you do it?” I asked while giving him a quick kiss on his nose.

  “I don’t want to be accused of rape.” He laughed.

  I froze suddenly frightened.

  “Zelda I’m sorry. I joke too much. That wasn’t funny at all.” He took his hands out from under my shirt.

  “I’m fine.” I said trying to be fine.

  “Do you want to talk about it? Forget this game we’re playing. I’m your friend. Talk to me.” He put his hands on my shoulders and tried to get me to look at him. I put my head down.

  “No” I said trying to keep myself together.

  “Get it out. You’re giving it power by holding it in.” He released my shoulders and took my hand in his.

  “I don’t need therapy talk.” I said in an angry way, shaking off his hand, “I had five years of that. I’m so bored with it. So much time can go by without me remembering it and then someone will look at me in a predatory way, or say a key word like princess or something equally benign and then it’s all back. When I gave birth to Louisa he crossed my mind. I’ll never be free. I said a prayer for her
to be strong enough to fight off the Spider’s of this world.” My eyes filled up, I violently wiped the tears away. “I hate it and I know I’m lucky. A lot of women can’t even enjoy sex after... that experience. If it wasn’t for Danny... I’m sorry I know that’s against our rules.”

  “In that context it’s okay. Come here.” I crawled up next to him and sat wrapped in his arms. He kissed the top of my head. We stared out at the cityscape before us.

  “Let’s go shopping Serge.” I said feeling better after our long silence, “You have zero sense of style. I want you to look nice for your first day at work. Let’s go down the hill to Barney’s.”

  “Not in my budget rich girl.”

  “Stop that I have so much money. Until I went to Paris I hardly ever touched it. I went a little crazy there as you know... I am going to take you shopping. I could add it to my list, a gigolo experience. We could kiss in the dressing room, another check mark on my list. Please Serge let’s go. It’ll be fun. I’m very well known in the store. The level of service I receive... You’ll like it too.”