by Sheryl Seal
“I used my power to examine the border into the world of the Demon Goblin; there is a ward all around it. Put there by the Queen, our powers are useless against this spell your mother has used. You should try; you are the only one who can break her spells.”
I checked all around the borders to Bower’s Cave and I could not penetrate through her magic. Now the rest of the Dwellers began to chant and I saw red. Furiously, I screamed at the heavens and started spinning.
Faster and faster I was a whirlwind that ripped across the meadow and then through the sky. I left a streak of fire and ice as I traveled across the earth and through the sky. Finally coming to rest on top of a boulder that is called Half Dome, I sat down and wept.
I stood and threw a fit like a child, stomping my feet, raising my fists to the skies, I yelled at the Great Spirit for taking my mother so soon. Then I sat on the giant boulder and cried some more. Pain wracked my body as the sobs shook my entire core.
The news had already traveled to the Village of Lost Souls but I knew that grandmother and grandfather would have also felt the loss deeply and search me out. I did not even hear grandmother approach and sit next to me because I was so wrapped up in my own misery.
I felt her warm and gnarled old hand as she grabbed mine with a firm grip. She just sat silently until the spasms in my body slowed to just small hiccups.
She patted my hand and I turned and hugged her tightly as I cried into her shoulder that was the only familiar thing in my life right now. “You cry for yourself and not for your mother my child. Her life was full and happy and now you must find the strength to be the Queen she would want you to be.”
When you know who you are;
When your mission is clear and you burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will;
No cold can touch your heart; no deluge can dampen your purpose.
You know that you are alive.
- Chief Seattle, Duwamish (1780-1866)
Chapter 21
~Grey Wolf~
As I spotted my daughter lying on the ground safely away from harm, I headed towards her. The sonic boom that sounded next was the total collapse of the cave. I felt the light of my heart and soul as it went out.
There was no mistaking the feeling of part of my soul dying in that moment. I yelled at the Gods that would dare to take my Little Golden Queen and then I dropped to my knees in despair and started chanting the death song for my wife.
I chanted for a long while, until my voice was hoarse and I could no longer chant aloud. Still I chanted on, in mumblings that were no longer coherent to even myself. Finally, Red Thunder and White Bear took me by the arms and led me to a spot further away from the entrance, where we sat on the ground for a very long time without speaking. They were my friends and brothers and knew I wouldn’t be led any further from where my wife had fallen.
I gazed off into the distance toward what had been the opening of the cave. The cave-in was total and with the wards my wife had put up all around, there was no way in. I would never know if she died in the deep tunnels of Bower’s Cave or if she took the Demon Goblin and escaped into another world to die with him.
She would do this if it were the only way to keep this world and the World of Man safe. She would do this to ensure the Demon Goblin never got the essence that our children carry within them. I could not feel her presence any longer so the only conclusion I could come to was that she was indeed gone from me forever. It is not as if I just gave up because she could have made it to another world. What would be the point if the Demon Goblin survived?
I knew she meant to have him dead so the rest of the world would survive without slavery. I also felt her spirit leave me. However many worlds I traveled, I have always felt her with me. Suddenly my soul was alone.
Life hurts a lot more than death is all I could think and I wished I were dead. The beast had indeed brought me to my knees. After some time had passed, Red Thunder and White Bear tried with many words to console me. I did not hear anything they said. I was totally wrapped up in my own private world of anguish.
My entire body ached with the loss of my soulmate and my heart was broken beyond repair. The feelings in my mind went back and forth from guilt to grief with thoughts about how this could have happened? I should have never let her out of sight. It should have been me and not her.
The agony that I would never see her beautiful face again or hold her in my arms, was a different kind of torture than what I had endured in the cave. I was prepared to die to save my family and I knew that I would never see them again. I also knew that I would be in a place that I could watch over them. I would not be able to see my soulmate now that she had gone instead of me.
Never again to look upon her was a suffering I wasn’t ready to face yet. In this moment I thought to take my life. It is forbidden though and I would never be able to see her if I were to do this unspeakable act.
As I sat with these thoughts, I noticed White Bear and Red Thunder as they crossed my line of vision and they were walking toward their wives. My sister Sapata and Aponi were still chanting as they knelt on the ground. Their singsong voices would have been enchanting, had it not been a mournful death song for my beloved.
I struggled with my emotions as tears continued to cloud my eyes and the memories flooded my vision. I reached out to my wife as I watched her walking through a meadow of ever blooming flowers and her beautiful auburn hair flowing wildly about her face. She turned and gave me a regretful smile and motioned me towards her. Just as our hands were about to make contact, grandfather stepped in front of my vision and she was lost to me. I glared up at him, angry that she was taken from me once again.
“It is the memories that will hurt the most of course.” The old man spoke so softly that I had to strain my ears to hear him. I did not answer him; it was a statement that did not require an answer and he was responsible for her vanishing from my view. I searched around him but she was nowhere to be found. My head drooped against my chest and I squeezed my eyes shut against the incredible truth that hit me like a punch to the gut.
“May I sit with you for a while Grey Wolf? I have a need to be near my granddaughter’s husband. I do not need to talk if you do not want to listen. Is there even words?
“It does not require many words to speak the truth grandfather. I know that this should have been me, just say it. ”I looked up as he sat down beside me with a groan. He placed his staff down on the ground in front of us. The old man clicked his tongue and peered off into the distance.
He nodded at the group of Dwellers that were still at the entrance of the cave and we watched as now they were all being led back to the village by White Bear and Red Thunder. There was nothing more that could be done here except the funeral pyre that would begin next.
We sat and the silence grew all around us. It was surreal as only hours before this had been a gruesome battlefield. Grandfather broke the silence and assured me that it was not my fault. I should know better than to try and take credit for The Great Spirit’s designs. “The Great Spirit chooses who gets the pleasure of his company and he could not have better company than our little Golden Queen. Her sacrifice is one of the purest and most selfless ways to love someone. She loved us all greatly to keep the Demon Goblin from coming to this world. Her only choice was to protect those that she loved.
Moaning, I put my head in my hands. “She should have stayed away, he already had me. I would have given nothing more.”
“Yes, we all know this Grey Wolf, but she could not leave you when there was any chance that she could purge the world of evil. Only the powers of a great and mighty Golden Queen could do this. So the Great Spirit would have found any numbers of ways to have her by his side, it was her time and this was the way he selected. It may seem I am indifferent and I assure you that I am not. You know that Oria was my granddaughter; I am very saddened by her death. That is only because I will miss her extraordinary and sparkling personality and presence. Death is a part of life and I thin
k of death as some delightful journey that I shall take when all my tasks are done. I would clearly have taken my granddaughter’s place. I have had a full life. Apparently I am still needed here and The Great Spirit has bigger plans for our Golden Queen.”
“I needed her, how will I continue on this earth without her? He should have taken me also. I cannot survive without her. I feel as if all the breath has left me. I am suffocating. To never see her again or hear her laughter is a thought I cannot bear grandfather. We should have stayed in The Village of Lost Souls where we were safe. She would still be alive.”
“You will not blame yourself Grey Wolf! It is done and now we need to prepare and send her to the El-o’-win, she deserves a grand send off to the distant West. Knowing that she is on her way will make us all feel as if we have done what we could for her.”
“How can this be done properly when we have no body to prepare? There will be no way to know if it truly worked.”
“It will work and we will build a funeral pyre over the entrance to Bower’s Cave and dance her to the happy hunting grounds. The burning is primarily for the evil spirits that may try and lead her soul to their own world of darkness and misery. This will prevent that and release her immortal soul quickly for a speedy and safe journey. We also lost three more Dwellers and their families wish to send these great warriors with her.”
“I am sorry for them also and Oria would want the company. I am glad she will not be alone on her journey.” I suddenly felt that I would be ill and needed to leave this place of sorrow. “Can you oversee the preparations and whatever else needs to be done grandfather? I find that I need to go to Oria Falls and speak with The Great Spirit. I must leave now.” Without waiting for further discussion, I stood and shifting into my wolf, I dashed away from the last place I had ever seen my heart and soul alive.
I came to grieve, but found comfort here in this garden of memory. This is the meadow before Oria Falls that have the everlasting flowers. Growing and blooming continuously with the aroma that only reminds me of my lost love. Perhaps our spirits live in perfect peace in the wonder of each flower, bird and tree. I find she is everywhere and yet, she is nowhere. I don’t know if I can take the pain of knowing this, not actually having her physically in this world with me. I feel broken beyond repair.
I shift back from my spirit animal and walk up to the pool at the bottom of the falls, where I sit and look into the water that sparkles so magically. I wonder how life all around me continues to be so beautiful when its most precious child has gone from this earth. I start to pray to The Great Spirit for the guidance I will need to get me through this life now.
“Oh Great Spirit whose voice I hear on the winds, I come to you as one of your many children. I need your strength and your wisdom. Make me strong, not to be superior to my brother, but to be able to fight my greatest enemy; myself.” A thought strikes me and I realize I must leave this world.
There are worse evils in the worlds and I will go away for a while to hunt these evils. I am not needed here and I do not want to be here any longer. Yes, I will go away from here, where everywhere I turn I see my heart and souls face. It is too painful to not be able to touch the face I see in every flower and even upon the water that I stare into now. I pick up the nearest pebble and throw it so the water ripples and her features disappear.
I chant to The Great Spirit the words I was taught many moons ago. This will be my final prayer as I leave and go into the World of Man.
“I will think about what kind of person I want to be when I am an Elder. I will start developing myself now to be this person. I will walk with the Great Spirit and the grandfathers at my side. I will develop myself to remain positive. I will develop a good mind. I will examine myself daily to see what I did well and what I need to improve. I will examine my strengths and weaknesses; then I will ask the Creator to guide me. I will develop a good mind. Each day, I will listen for the Creator's voice in the wind. I will watch nature and ask to be shown a lesson which will occur on my path. I will seek out the guiding principles which guided my ancestors. I will walk in dignity, honor and humility, conducting myself as a warrior. I will seek the guidance of the Elders so that I may maintain the knowledge of culture, ceremonies and songs, and so that I may pass these on to future generations. I choose to do all these things myself, because no one else can do them for me. I know I cannot give away what I don’t have, so I will need to learn to walk the talk.”
(Translated by Lakota Sioux Chief Yellow Lark in 1887)
May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,
May hope forever wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong.
Chief Dan George
Chapter 22
~Spirit Walker~
I reached across the many miles of solitude my emotions had taken me and realized that grandmother was dealing with her own sorrow about my mother. She was the strong one here but she had raised my mother from a babe.
Titania and Fire Cloud were thought dead most of my mother’s life and grandmother had taken the responsibility of my mother and raised her. Sitting now beside my grandmother, I knew the words she would relay to me were meant to comfort and help me to be strong. I still didn’t think I was ready to accept that I would never see my mother again.
I had promised myself that I would not sacrifice anyone. How had this happened then? A million thoughts and questions traversed my mind in a matter of seconds and before I knew it I was once again lost in my own misery of trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong.
Time passed by and we sat in silence from far away, grandmother’s voice breached my thoughts and the words stung like a slap in the face. “A fact of life, we all die.” She knew she had my attention and she cleared her throat and continued on. “But the positive impact you have on others will be a living legacy. You are your mother’s legacy spirit walker and although grief is a solitary journey, no one but you knows how great the hurt is. No one but you can know the gaping hole left in your life when someone you know has died. And no one but you can mourn the silence that was once filled with laughter and song. To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die. Your mother will stay in all of our hearts forever. Dry your tears spirit walker and listen to this old woman. I still have some wisdom that may help you in your grief.”
Sitting up straight and swiping at my eyes, I repeated the process several times, but eventually gave up. The tears continued to fall and so I just gave in and tried to focus on grandmother and her words. She looked off into the distance at the surrounding mountains and I followed her line of vision. Nothing but a beautiful sky remained of the battle that had ensued that day. There were no gloomy skies and rain or anything to suggest that there was a deep sadness at the passing of a most valued Golden Queen.
Grandmother continued on in a strong voice. “It is the nature of love and death to touch every person in a totally unique way. We have had, continue to have, and will always have wars, and grief, and struggle...we will climb up and fall down...but each time we climb a little higher, and in the end, we do build the world that our ancestors would have wanted for us...we do leave the cradle at last, and we take our place among the stars teaching those who follow us. Your mother has done this with you and it is time to take your place as The Golden Queen. What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us. What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. You know…your mother captured the heart of The Great Spirit and he could not bear to live without her. She was formed by his hands, dreamed up in his heart, and placed in this world for a reason. We are all placed in this world for a reason and just because he has taken her from us, this does not mean he is punishing us, but merely opening our hands for what is to come. It is a time to be strong, your brother and father will also be hurting. They will need our love and support. A little known secret between you and I is, you are stronger than they are. Your brother will be
in denial for a while and will not face the fact of what has happened. Your father… well this will be so much harder for him.”
Grandmother paused. I heard her take a deep shaky breath and the tears started to roll down my cheeks again as I thought about father and the great love he had for mother. A sob escaped from deep inside me and grandmother squeezed my hand harder. I didn’t try to stop the tears as they poured from my eyes like rain.
In a wobbly voice grandmother began again but her words grew stronger as she tried to bring comfort to my tortured soul. “Grey Wolf waited for your mother for many moons. He waited and then watched until she came to the Beyond. It took a while before he won her heart and before she trusted that they were soulmates. This will be most difficult for him to accept. He will blame his parents, The Gods. He will blame The Great Spirit and mostly he will blame himself. It will take time for him to live again, but because of you and your brother, he will learn to laugh and to live again. You will have to be his rock now; your mother was his heart and soul. He will not know which path to take. This will be hard on all of the Dwellers and they will look to you for leadership. You must be strong even though it will be hard. I know you can do this thing Spirit Walker. I have complete faith that you have learned most all that you need to become, The Golden Queen.”
With this last sentence, grandmother took another deep breath and let it out and turned towards me. I felt her eyes on me and looked at her. “Your grandmother is long winded but I hope that you will see and understand, now is the time for you to be brave. Your tribe needs you; the Dwellers need a Queen that is full of confidence and strength. You will be a great leader and a great Queen.”
My thoughts and spirit were stronger because of the words of my grandmother. She is wise and always has the right words to say. Her words are not always what I wanted to hear and as she would sometimes say they are a hard pill to swallow. I knew nothing of these pills of which she spoke, but once she told me, they were a medicine in the World of Man that helps with pain and sometimes they were big and hard to swallow. Like the truth that a person doesn’t want to hear about themselves or others.
