by Sheryl Seal
Between the sobs that were now slowing, I asked the question that would probably always haunt me. “I will try and do these things grandmother but I still wonder and maybe I always will, of what went wrong. Why would mother leave me outside the cave and return by herself? We all could have helped her to defeat the Demon Goblin if she could not handle him alone. She was the most powerful of all, I don’t understand what happened. ”
“We may never know exactly what went wrong Spirit Walker. Only The Great Spirit knows for sure. She may have thought there was no other way to defeat the Demon Goblin. She would not endanger the rest of the Dwellers if she thought for one second that he would escape because she could not destroy him. It may have been her only choice. It may have been The Great Spirit’s only choice. We have to accept what we cannot change.”
“It is all so unfair and if only she had not put wards all around Bower’s Cave, we could have returned inside to help her.”
“You know very well that you cannot live in the past of ‘what ifs’ Spirit Walker. You know and I know that any chance the Demon Goblin would have survived and your mother had not, we would all be in danger. Your mother did what she needed to do.”
“I know you loved mother very much grandmother. She was more like a daughter to you then a granddaughter. How is it that you are so strong while I feel so defeated?”
“Strength is not being unbreakable Spirit Walker…it is the ability to pull the pieces back together and breathe through the pain. That is all I am doing my dear, which is all any of us can do. I have something for you granddaughter.” As grandmother started to rise, I held her arm and together we stood. She clapped her hands and the journal appeared in them. “Yes, this is the last journal entry that your mother left behind. Her words may help to comfort you right now. I will leave you alone for a while and go in search of your brother. He will also need my words. Grandfather will talk with your father. After you have read this entry, come back to the village, we will have to prepare for the ceremony to send your mother to the West.” She handed me the journal and squeezed my hands and vanished in a fiery white and red orb.
I stroked the beautiful book that was a deep blue in color with silver stars and a silver and golden eclipsed moon embedded in it. They appeared on the cover like the tattoo which was on my mother’s face.
There was also a drawing on the back of the cover. These were of a beautiful red dragon, which I knew to be my mother and of a black dragon with a red stripe that ran down the middle. That was my father; I knew he was given this ability when he and mother became man and wife.
These dragons faced each other and protected an egg. It was just the outline of the egg so that you could clearly see through it. Two baby dragons which lay intertwined safely waiting to be born. I knew this to be my brother and myself.
One was of fire and the other, which of course was me, was of an icy blue color. This was a tattoo that was on my mother’s back. As tears gathered in my eyes, I remembered growing up and how my parents had kept us safe and always loved. As with all Golden Queens, we were born naturally of our mothers like any other child. This was just a picture and tattoo that represented who we are.
I sat back down on the rock and held the book to my chest and looked out over the red horizon. What would I find in this book and did I really want to know that mother knew of her impending death? She had mentioned it before; trying to get me to accept what was to come. Foolishly, I never really thought there would be a time that she wouldn’t be here, that I would really be left alone to be The Golden Queen. I couldn’t bring myself to open it just yet. So I just sat there for a while watching the sunset.
It was a long time before I finally stopped looking at the sky. It was night but the moon was bright glowing down upon Half Dome where I sat. Looking at the journal with my mother’s words, I slowly opened it up. I started reading as the words appeared on the pages just for me.
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you."
Pueblo Blessing
Chapter 23
I looked up from the journal and smiled at how grandmother had tricked mother when she had first come to the Beyond. She pretended to be an old woman named Nokomis and she hoped my mother would become strong and learn things that she might not have learned with grandmother teaching her.
Nokomis said, “There is much new magic in the lands. This will take a very strong Queen to conquer the evil that has come to the region. I hope you are up for it. You will need the assistance of others and will have to be careful of your choices. Not all will be whom they appear to be. Look inside yourself for the insight you need. Start believing in your intuitions and who you are now. You are The Golden Queen and nothing will change that fact.”
I get that mother wants me to know this message is also for me and reading further, I am sure of it. It is what Nokomis/grandmother said to her and it helped her so I decided yes, her words were also meant for my ears.
“You may feel alone at times. You need to know that you will never be alone. Do not fear these things; you cannot let fear choose your destiny. I will tell you what my grandmother told me. Enlightenment, joy and peace can never be given to you by another; the well is inside of you. Search deep and the answers will always be there. Sometimes they may feel out of reach but you are strong and I will always be in your memories, in everything you have ever been taught. You are powerful and good and your future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show. Yes, this is another quote from your wonderful grandmother who is all wise and knowing. Lean on her when you need to, she is stronger than you think.
I have one other quote for living your life and you must start today Spirit Walker, immediately. One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our lodges today.”
With this last sentence the words started to disappear from the pages and there were no others. No good-byes for me but then I suppose she had been saying that all along. I closed the journal and placed it on the ground and decided right then and there, I would not cry over my mother any longer. The ‘what ifs’ were in the past and the future is what I must look to. I was now The Golden Queen of the Ahwahneechees and it was time I acted like it.
Standing up, I noticed that the wind had picked up. Taking the knife out that I kept hidden and strapped to my inner thigh, I raised it to my hair and cut off a handful and threw it into the night breeze. I watched as it scattered and floated away and then I whispered, “Safe journey mother.”
I heard him before he approached me and put the knife away. I felt his hand slip into mine softly and he stood beside me saying nothing. I turned and looked into the handsome face of Brave Eagle who was watching me hesitantly. I smiled and his eyebrows arched in question. “I am good Brave Eagle; you need not worry for my well-being. We need to prepare mother for her journey to the distant land of the West. Will you help me with this?”
He cleared his throat and replied in a strong and clear voice. “Of course my Queen, the tribe has already begun building a pyre over Bower’s Cave. There are three others that are traveling with your mother and the people are happy they will be led to the West by their Queen. Your father approved of this just before…”
Brave Eagle could not finish the sentence that he assumed would throw me into a tirade of some sort. I helped him with what I had already felt. “My father has gone into The World of Man. I know he will not be here. I felt him as he left. His heart is broken. There is nothing to be done but what of my brother?”
He seemed to be afrai
d to tell me what was on his mind. I knew this as he looked away quickly trying to think of an answer that would not anger me. He was avoiding eye contact but I had already read his mind and knew what he was not saying.
“My brother, well he is probably off hunting or something. He will ignore what he knows is the truth until it slams him in the face. He will return but I am not so sure about father.”
“I am sorry they will not be here for the ceremony. Your mother and our Queen deserve a grand release into the Spirit World.”
“And that is exactly what we will give her. Let’s go back to the village and help with the preparation’s Brave Eagle.”
Brave Eagle and I left Half Dome flying through the starry night skies drifting on the breeze as Eagles. The weather was clear and warm as we shifted and landed near the cave to the Village of Lost Souls. Entering the village that was bustling with activity even though it was getting late, was a clear sign there would be no delay in sending mother on her way to the El o’ win.
I found grandmother and grandfather overseeing everything. Brave Eagle let go of my hand that he held once again after we landed. I had smiled secretly when he grabbed it once again as we walked through the cave and entered this world. The nearness of him was comforting and I found that I enjoyed his strong hand. I remembered mother saying once, “affections are like lightning; you cannot tell where they will strike until they have fallen.” She and father were always touching each other and holding hands, they truly believed that everyone needed to be touched; people need to know that they are valued and loved. Melancholy hit me as I imagined it often would. Mother’s voice would always ring in my ears just as grandmother said. I was happy that I could bring to mind all of her words that I had heard my entire life.
The Dwellers, dressed in their finest were filing out of the village silently, although I could hear the many muffled cries. I went towards grandmother and grandfather with my head held high and feeling confident now. I had noticed that many arms of the villagers carried something that had been my mothers and these keepsakes would be put on her funeral pyre with her. She would need many of her items for her journey. Grandmother had probably stood at mothers lodge and given each Dweller something of value as was the custom of our tribe. The Dwellers that had also died had family and friends that helped with their belongings.
I hugged first grandmother and then grandfather and noticed they both had unshed tears in their eyes. They were dressed in their finest clothing and their faces were painted as ghostly apparitions. It was kind of spooky but I knew this was the custom for a family member. To look like death was not something I wanted to do. I would do what needed to be done though. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and determined not to weep anymore for my mother; I spoke the words I believed and felt would make my mother proud. “The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person we were meant to be and mother would say to me that you never find yourself until you face the truth. I have done this and am ready to be the Golden Queen.”
“We are pleased of the woman you have become in such a short time Spirit Walker; you make us all proud to have you as our Queen.” Grandmother grabbed me up and hugged me again. “Enough now, we dress you, paint you and follow the tribe to Bower’s Cave and send Oria and the others on their way to the far West.”
The cave that leads into the Beyond was left with the wards down since the evil had been taken care of and we had a ceremony to attend. There was just too much traffic to keep putting up and taking down the wards. In the Beyond a suitable pile of readily combustible wood had been prepared over the entrance to Bower’s Cave. Now caved in, there was no way to retrieve the body of my mother. Her spell was strong and her wards held true.
Normally there would be a body that would be prepared by chosen people of the tribe, most likely family members. She would have been cleansed and then dressed in her finest and would be wrapped in skins. She would have been placed on top of the wood. Since mother’s body was not here, each person placed something she owned in life on the pile of wood. There were many things she would need in the afterlife. The Dwellers that had died were either in the cave or worse, eaten. We could not find their bodies either. Only their belongings were placed with mothers.
Grandmother had indeed given each tribe member something of value and the pile grew to an overwhelming sight. The pyre was ready to be lit and the mournful cries were getting louder as I shifted into my dragon and flew above the wood and treasures. I forced a small wind of fire out to light the pyre and then settled back to the ground shifting once again. The wailing grew even more mournful and some of the chanters began to circle around the burning pile. The chanting could be heard echoing off the mountains and over and over again they sang. “Him-i--la-ya, Him-i-la-ya, Him-i-la-ya.” When these cryers grew tired they were replaced with others as the weary were led to sit.
The Dwellers were all painted from head to toe and decked out in their finest leathers for this ceremony. It was hard to distinguish who was who. This was when I caught a glimpse of one I recognized by her very small features. This was my mother’s beloved friend and the one she always referred to as her sister. Hardly recognizable, Aponi had chopped her hair off and it was spiked all over and fanned her face. She had placed many bird feathers all over her head and body. Her features looked shrunken and she looked defeated as she hugged to her a favorite necklace of my mothers. It was the ruby necklace that White Bear had been possessed by, when he had stolen mother away to The Village of Lost Souls. She also clutched something else that I could not make out.
Aponi danced around the funeral pyre wailing in her beautiful singsong voice that brought tears to the surface again. She was so heartbroken that as she danced tirelessly, Red Thunder held her up and moved with her. She would not be led away. I thought to relieve Red Thunder and headed toward them. I think I spooked Aponi when I first approached her. Dressed in a long flowing white buckskin dress with beads designed in the shape of a dragon, my face was painted white for my mother and there were dark rings around my eyes. My hair hung down all springy and blew in the night breeze wildly. She grabbed me up and hugged me tightly before I felt the pressure as she released me and looked me in the eyes. She caressed a piece of my hair. “So much like your mother, for a moment, well…”
Smiling sadly, I grabbed her arm and intertwined it with mine and slowly started to sway with her once again. There were no more words that needed to be said.
It was well into the early morning before the fire started to die down. There were some cheers from the crowd as we all noticed the forms of spirits that drifted up from the remaining embers and rose to the sky. This of course meant that the evil spirits did not take my mother or the other Dwellers to the dark side and we had achieved our goal and sent their immortal spirit on to the El-o’-win. Their souls had been released and they were now headed to the far West. The amazing sight of the Dwellers began, as all started to shift into their spirit animals. There were beasts of every kind and some soared into the early dusky sky while others continued around the coals.
Grandfather stepped forward and sifted some of the ashes into a medicine bag and then stepped away. This was a tradition handed down from generations and some of the ashes would be given to the ancestors for safe keeping. I had heard that only grandfather visits the ancestors when he goes to his sweat lodge. He receives information and wisdom whenever there are situations he does not understand.
As I wondered what would happen with the ashes of the funeral pyre when the ancestors received them, I shifted and flying up above what remained of the funeral pyre, I sprayed forth from my dragon’s mouth, a frozen ice that formed over the remains. I watched from above for a moment as the ritual ended and we all shifted back. Landing down beside grandmother, I reached for her and we hugged. Pulling me back, she smiled sadly. “It is done; let us go home my dear.”
As I turned to leave, the most amazing sight met my eyes. There in front of me, kneeling on the ground,
were hundreds of Dwellers, heads bowed and all in my direction. I turned to grandmother and she too had knelt along with grandfather. I felt a tingle of fear for a second. All of the confidence I had felt before suddenly left me and there was nothing but questions in my mind. Was I really ready for this? Did I have what it would take to be a Queen to all of my people? Would I make the right decisions to help protect our world? Many questions bounced around in my head, all leaving me in wonder and a little frightened of the future.
I guess it was time to face my destiny. In a sure and steady voice that echoed off the mountains, I commanded my Dwellers. “Rise now and go back to the village and get some rest. It has been a long night and we have sent our Golden Queen to the distant land in the West.”
Then I thought of something else my mother had once said to me. As a young girl she had heard the phrase from a woman named Mother Teresa. I did not think mother knew her, but she said she was a very wise woman. “Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, let us begin.”
There was a time when the land was sacred,
and the ancient ones were as one with it.
A time when only the children of the Great
Spirit were here to light their fires in these
Places with no boundaries...
In that time, when there were only simple ways,
