Losing an Edge

by Catherine Gayle

  Before I could answer, the coaches called us out to the center of the ice for practice to start.

  I was in a daze the rest of the day. I didn’t have the first clue what had happened last night, when Cadence had run off after I’d asked her out. I had even less understanding about what had happened this morning or why she wanted to go out with me now.

  All I knew was that if Jonny could come up with a way to be a fly on the wall during this date tomorrow night, he would do it—so I needed to be on my guard and make sure I didn’t do anything I’d regret. I had no doubt he’d meant what he’d said.

  “YOU HAVE TO help me,” I said to Sara the second I walked into the house. I tossed my gym bag on the floor just inside the door and put my purse and coat in the hall closet.

  “Do I, now?” my sister-in-law said, sarcasm dripping from every pore of her being as she held out Cassidy toward me. “I have to help you?” She scowled to add further emphasis when I raised a brow in question, then she inclined her head toward everything around her. She was standing in the middle of the living room, surrounded by what appeared to be a flour explosion, a mess I had completely missed in my panic. Connor was nowhere in sight, which likely meant he was the cause of her current catastrophe. That little boy caused more mayhem than all the Allstate commercials combined, and he could cause his damage in the blink of an eye. And he usually giggled about the destruction afterward, too, the little stinker.

  I took my niece without hesitation. Playing with Cassidy while Sara cleaned sounded a heck of a lot better than trying to figure out how to remove all that flour, and besides, I could never get enough baby time. But I regretted my decision almost as soon as the squirming, gurgling girl was in my arms. She stunk to high hell. I scrunched up my nose, in a vain attempt to prevent the smell from making its way into my senses.

  Sara rolled her eyes at my response. “Cassidy needs to be changed, and as you can see, I’m in the middle of cleaning up World War III.”

  Diaper duty wasn’t a foreign concept for me, but it wasn’t exactly my favorite way to interact with Cassidy. Granted, changing diapers was still better than cleaning up Connor’s latest art project. Two minutes, tops, and I’d be done with the nastiness. Sara would probably be busy for another hour or more. Quickly weighing the two options, I carried Cassidy upstairs and took care of her own form of tiny, but disgusting, explosion.

  Connor came in around the time I was fastening the new diaper in place. “Is Mommy mad?” he asked tentatively. White powder covered him from head to toe. What the heck had he done, roll in the stuff?

  I gave him my best effort at a stern look. “She’s trying to clean up a bunch of flour in the living room. Do you know how flour got all over the place? Flour is supposed to stay in the kitchen.”

  He shrugged with an I-don’t-know expression, his lips turning down dramatically. “I think Cassidy did it.”

  “Hmm,” I said, tugging the little girl’s ruffled pants back into place. “I wonder how she’s so clean, then.”

  “You just cleaned her up!”

  “All I did was change her diaper, buddy. And if Cassidy did it, how come you’re the one who’s covered in flour?”

  “She throwed it on me!” he said, as adamant as ever.

  I picked up Cassidy and put her over my shoulder. Almost immediately, she grabbed a fistful of my hair and started chewing on it. Note to self: always keep my hair pulled into a ponytail around her. Too late this time.

  “You know,” I said slowly, facing Connor fully, “you should think long and hard about what you’re going to say to Mommy when she asks you about the flour. Because you don’t want to tell her a lie. Lying is bad.” I should know, since I’d flat out lied to Cam not so long ago.

  “I was just trying to help her make some damn cookies,” he said, tossing his hands in the air. Bits of flour dust floated all around him in a cloud, and he sneezed, which only kicked up a new dust cloud.

  I had to bite down on my tongue not to laugh. “I’d suggest you not use that word when your daddy asks you about it later.”

  His eyes went wide. “Don’t tell Daddy! Please, CayCay.”

  “Oh, Daddy’s gonna find out,” Sara said from the doorway, Roomba in hand, causing her son to spin around in a panic. “The only question is if you’re going to tell him or if I will.”

  The next thing I knew, Connor raced over to me and threw both arms around my thigh, covering me in his flour.

  “I think maybe you should tell Daddy,” I suggested.

  “But I’m not asposed to help in the kitchen.”

  “No,” his mother said dryly. “You’re not. At least not without adult supervision. Never mind the fact that you weren’t even in the kitchen.”

  “Can I bake cookies with CayCay?” he asked, attempting to redirect the conversation.

  “I don’t know if your aunt will want to bake cookies with you after this,” Sara said.

  “We can,” I said. Connor gave me a white-faced grin, and I ruffled his hair to dust some of the flour out of it. “After you tell Daddy what you did,” I added. “And in the meantime, how about we put you in the tub?”

  Sara winked at me while Connor was otherwise occupied pouting, and then she headed back downstairs to continue Operation De-Flour the House. I got Connor in the tub. Cassidy wanted to climb in with him so badly she nearly pulled herself over the side of the bath still fully clothed, so I stripped her down and tossed her in, too. Giving her a bath wouldn’t hurt anything. By the time I had them both clean, dried, and dressed, Sara had finished the bulk of the cleanup.

  She turned on a Disney movie for the kids and flopped down on the couch, brushing hair and sweat off her brow. I was a bit more careful in taking a seat on Cam’s recliner, not trusting I wouldn’t end up covered in white. Then she raised her brows. “So? I have to help you?”

  Right. The kids had been a fantastic distraction, but there wasn’t a chance in hell Sara would let things go so easily.

  “I think I screwed up,” I said.

  “What? Coming here? I thought you and Anthony were sure to be a great fit.”

  “No, the problem’s not him!” I didn’t know how much to tell her. There were some parts of the story I couldn’t bear for Cam to know, but half the reason I’d settled on trying to partner with Anthony was because he was based out of Portland. That meant I could be here with Sara. If anyone would understand the things I was only now coming to terms with, it was her. But would she run straight to my brother and blab everything I told her? I wasn’t sure. And then I’d been stupid enough to tell Levi Babcock I’d go out with him, which was merely one more complication. My life was already too complicated by half. I was in one hell of a pickle.

  “It’s not Anthony,” Sara said dryly, after I’d been quiet for too long. “Then what? Don’t like the coach? Don’t want to have Cam breathing down your neck all the time? Help me out here, Cadence, or I don’t know what I can do for you.”

  “I told Levi Babcock I’d go out with him,” I blurted out before I lost my courage.

  She raised a brow. “Does your brother know?”

  I nodded.

  She let out a slow breath. “Well, it could be worse.”

  “How?”

  “Cam actually likes 501. Or at least he doesn’t hate him. 501’s a good kid, and we know he comes from a good family. Everything will be okay. Cam might piss and moan about it for a bit, put up a good show, but he trusts you to make good decisions for yourself. He knows you’re a smart cookie.”

  “But I’m not sure I trust me to make good decisions,” I said.

  “Back up. What?” Sara shook her head, perplexed. “Are you second-guessing things with Guy?”

  Not in the least. I probably should have left him, broken off that partnership, almost five years ago. Definitely by a couple of years ago, once our relationship had morphed from being nothing more than partners on the ice to being a couple. That side of things never should have happened. All the warning signs
about how he would treat me were already there, yet I’d allowed him to convince me he loved me. He’d sworn I was his princess, that he would cherish me and turn me into his queen.

  Lies. All of it. And the worst thing was, I’d known before I’d ever gone out on a single date with him. It was obvious from how he would berate me in practice. How every time we lost points in a competition, it was my fault. How he would yell and scream horrible things at me, and then beg me to forgive him. He never berated me while anyone was around, of course. He saved all of that behavior for when the two of us were alone.

  Why would I think things should be any different just because we were romantically linked? Yet I’d convinced myself it would all be better, and I’d suffered through his antics for years before I’d finally gotten the gumption to put an end to it. If only I’d found my courage sooner. Things could be very different now if I had.

  But living in regret wasn’t me, and I couldn’t allow myself to wallow in it. I had to find a way to move forward.

  At the moment, Connor was acting out the scene of the movie, pretending to be Lightning McQueen and racing circles all around his sister, who was cackling at his antics. Buster, my brother’s deaf Pomeranian, was chasing Connor and barking at him. They were loud, which might be a good thing. It meant they weren’t paying any attention and therefore wouldn’t repeat anything we said. That little boy was a parrot if ever a boy was one, repeating everything he shouldn’t.

  I turned my attention back to Sara and chewed on the inside corner of my lips. “This isn’t about Guy. Or…well…not like you think.” I took another look over at the kids, found Connor still watching the movie while hanging upside down from a chair with his knees hooked over the seat to keep him in place. Cassidy was almost to the point of giggling herself asleep. Must be almost nap time. Buster thought so, too. He had stopped chasing Connor to snuggle up beside Cassidy on the floor, sighing contentedly.

  “Are you finally going to tell me why you broke everything off with him?” Sara asked.

  “He dropped me,” I said, blinking back tears. I would not cry over this. Not again.

  “Yeah, when you were practicing a lift,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me like she was trying to read between the lines. “You hurt an ankle and needed some surgery or another to fix it. It was all over the news. Even here. But that can’t have been the first time he’d dropped you, surely.”

  “No.” I took another calming breath, attempting to fill my lungs with the peace that had been eluding me for years. “But it was the first time he dropped me intentionally.”

  “What the ever loving fuck?” she practically shouted, coming halfway up from the couch before she glanced over at the kids and realized what she’d done. For once, Connor didn’t immediately repeat her. He looked over with worried eyes, likely sensing the very different tone coming from his mother this time. “It’s okay, buddy,” she said, visibly putting on a calm front for his benefit. Then she turned back to me. “Why the hell would he drop you purposely?” she hissed. “That doesn’t make sense. You two were dating. You’d been partners for more than half a decade. You’d just won a fucking gold medal together a couple of months before.” She held out her hands, either in question or defeat.

  “He dropped me because I was pregnant. Because if I stayed pregnant and delivered a baby, we would lose almost an entire year of training and competition, right at the height of our careers.”

  She stared at me, blinking a few times. With every second ticking by, I watched comprehension dawn in her eyes, leading first to understanding, then to compassion, and finally to outright fury like I’d never seen in her. Her voice was as soft as I’d ever heard from her when she said, “So he wanted you to miscarry.”

  I nodded.

  “The surgery wasn’t for your ankle, was it?”

  I shook my head. “My ankle was only sprained. A bad sprain, but nothing that would require surgery.”

  “You needed a D and C?” Sara had tears in her eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “If I ever see that motherfucker again, I will rip him limb from limb, take his remains to Florida, and feed him to the alligators.”

  Never in a million years would I have expected to laugh so soon after revealing such a gut-wrenching thing, but I couldn’t stop myself. A gale of giggles bubbled up from my belly and came out alongside the tears I’d been holding back.

  “I’m not joking,” Sara said. “And once Cam finds out—”

  “He can’t find out,” I cut in. “I don’t want him to know.”

  “But… He’s your brother, hon. He loves you to bits. He needs to know.”

  “No, he doesn’t. Because everything you want to do to Guy, he honestly would do. And worse. So he can’t ever know.”

  “Why the hell did you tell me?” she demanded, throwing up her hands. “I’m not good at secrets. Not when it comes to keeping things about my husband’s sister away from him. Especially not something like this. You’re asking for a hell of a lot, Cadence.”

  “I asked you because you’re the only person I know who understands what I’ve been through.” At least with part of it.

  Sara had miscarried before. She could understand at least that part of things, although I doubted she’d ever been in a relationship like I’d had with Guy. But I needed someone I could talk to, someone who could help me sort through all the insanity in my head. I couldn’t go to my sisters or my mom. I’d fed them the same story we’d told the press about my ankle, and that was all they ever needed to know. They all believed I lived a charmed life, and I was perfectly content to let them continue thinking it. The same went for Cam. He couldn’t know. But Sara could…and she could threaten to feed Guy to the alligators.

  “Please?” I said, since she was still staring at me like I’d grown a few heads. “I just need someone I can talk to about it, but I don’t want to turn it into a big thing, you know?”

  “Honey, there’s no turning it into a big thing involved. It is a big deal. Huge. Are you sure he dropped you intentionally? It wasn’t an accident?”

  I’d been dropped accidentally enough times to be able to tell the difference, and if Sara really thought about it, she would realize that. “I’m sure. One hundred percent positive. He meant to do it.”

  She scowled. She didn’t flat out reject my pleas, but she didn’t exactly agree to help me out with my brother, either. This was going to be harder than I’d hoped.

  “And you’re going on a date with 501?” she asked. “Are you ready to date after all of that? Oh, who am I kidding? There’s no way.”

  “Tomorrow. And you’re right, I’m not even close to ready.” I was still trying to screw my head on straight again.

  “Well… At least he’s a good guy. Maybe you don’t trust your own judgment about men right now, but you can trust mine and Cam’s. It’ll be all right. Just don’t get in over your head, okay? Start out as friends or something. Is it too late to make it a double date? I bet Babs and Katie—”

  Right then, the front door opened and my brother walked inside.

  As soon as Connor saw his father, he raced over to hug him. “Daddy! We’re gonna feed the motherfucker to the agilators!”

  I turned panicked eyes to Sara, who was cool and collected as ever. “He means 501. If he tries anything with Cadence when they’re on their date tomorrow.”

  Something told me she was constantly coming up with quick excuses as to why Connor said some of the things he said.

  Cam narrowed his eyes at Sara, but he didn’t try to argue about it. He let out a hmphing sort of sound and picked Connor up.

  I tried to remember how to breathe.

  “CAN WE FEED him to the agilators, too?” Connor asked, looking up at Anthony with a toddler version of an evil grin.

  “No, we can’t.” I had a hard time not laughing at this kid. I didn’t know how either Cam or Sara could ever keep a straight face with him. “We’re not feeding anyone to the alligators.”

  “
Mommy said we could.”

  “Are there going to be alligators at the park?” Anthony asked, taking Connor’s coat from me and holding it out to help the little boy into it. “I’m scared of alligators.” He winked at me.

  “You’re scared?” Connor cackled while I busied myself with grabbing the diaper bag and lunch box filled with at least four times more snacks than we could possibly need for a two-hour trip to play.

  Sara rolled her eyes and finished buttoning up Cassidy’s coat. “Come on. I don’t know about alligators…”

  “They’re gonna eat him,” Connor said gleefully. “And I’m gonna watch.”

  Somehow, the three of us adults managed to load the two kids into Sara’s SUV and climb in ourselves, along with all our mounds of stuff, and soon enough were on our way to the indoor park. No sooner had we arrived than Connor seemingly forgot all about alligators due to the massive ball pit waiting for him. I managed to pry his coat free before he sprinted away and dove in without waiting to see how deep it was.

  Connor sunk in up to his head, but he had the biggest grin on his face. I doubted he would care if he went completely under. At least the pit was full of balls and not water.

  Sara busied herself with taking Cassidy’s coat off and finding a play area more appropriate for someone of her size, leaving me and Anthony to find a locker in the coat room to store all our stuff.

  “He seems like quite a handful,” Anthony said, taking the diaper bag and snacks from me.

  I raised a brow and chuckled. “You haven’t seen anything yet. He seems positively well behaved so far today.”

  Anthony snort-laughed. “Should make for an interesting afternoon.”

  Which would suit me nicely. The more interesting this afternoon became, the less time I’d have to worry about my date with Levi Babcock tonight.

  With everything safely stowed for the time being, we headed back out to the main play area. Sara and Cassidy had found some blocks and another mother and baby, leaving Connor to the two of us. The holy terror himself was busy flinging his body through the balls toward some bigger kids, using his arms to make it seem like he was a gator trying to chomp them. I let out an internal sigh and tried to mentally prepare myself to go haul him off before he went overboard and hurt another child. I’d barely resigned myself to what I needed to do before Anthony kicked off his shoes and jumped into the fray himself.