Three Sides of a Heart

by Natalie C. Parker

  Esther looks at me.

  “You ask about everything else. You have a burning curiosity that seems insatiable. So why not ask about this? It would be natural to.”

  She opens her mouth and then closes it. She only speaks after she turns away from my gaze, which is unusual for her. She’s never shied away from me before, even when she should. “It didn’t seem like a question I could ask. Everything else—well, I knew you would forgive me for wanting to know. Especially when I wouldn’t be alive to know your secrets for very long.” Her voice nearly breaks under the strain of keeping it free of emotion. “But asking for what you have . . . I guess it didn’t feel like the kind of thing that could be asked for. It felt like it had to be given. Offered freely.”

  She’s facing the river now, and she hasn’t heard me walk up behind her. She startles a little as I sweep her hair off her neck and over her shoulder, and then she relaxes back into me. The posture is disarmingly trusting, and I feel a tight pain in my chest.

  “I’m offering now,” I say, my mouth near her ear. “I can make you like us. You wouldn’t die from the leukemia, you wouldn’t have to die for hundreds and hundreds of years. You could live.”

  She doesn’t speak, but I can smell the cocktail of emotions running through her blood—adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin.

  Caution laces her voice when she speaks. “What would happen to me? My family?”

  Respect for her overwhelms me. Casimir—so deeply unhappy in his life and so unloved by whatever family he had left—had jumped at the chance when I offered. Had practically flung himself into my teeth. But not Esther. She’s too intellectual, too perceptive, to take any step when she can’t see where her foot would land. Even in the face of certain death.

  That takes a strength that even I don’t have.

  “You wouldn’t physically age. Your parents would notice, eventually, but probably not for another decade or two would they realize it’s something more than good genetics.”

  “And I would have to feed . . . like you and Cas?”

  I run a fingertip along her throat, finding the yielding thrum of her jugular vein. “Yes.”

  She shivers. “I don’t know if I can do that. Hurt people. Kill them.”

  “You don’t have to hurt them when you bite. There are ways to do it gently. And you never have to kill a victim if you don’t want to. Many vampires give themselves over to a feeding frenzy and drain all their victim’s blood. But it’s not necessary. Cas has never killed, for example.”

  “But you have.”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you enjoy it?”

  “You know that I did,” I say heavily. “I’m not a good person anymore, Esther. But that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t be. That Cas isn’t.”

  Still leaning back against me, she turns her head so she can look up into my face. “I think you are a good person,” she says quietly. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have left Rome. You’d still be killing.”

  I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe she’s right, but I doubt it. Good people don’t bite their boyfriend until he bleeds. Good people don’t enjoy the feeling of having people they love at their feet, humbled and marked.

  Esther looks back at the river, and we spend a long time like that, with the water rushing past and the breeze waving the green branches above us and the cemetery silent at our backs.

  “Okay,” she says finally. “Yes.”

  “Yes?”

  “I want to be like you. Change me.”

  This was the answer I wanted. This was why we came here. But I still can’t help the flash of deep anger I feel. Not even anger, really, but anguish.

  Pure anguish.

  I keep it all inside. “It won’t take long,” I explain to her. “I’m going to bite you, and I will feed from you. A lot. You will probably feel light-headed. You may even lose consciousness. I will help you wake up enough to drink my blood.”

  “How much will I have to drink?”

  “Not much. You probably won’t want much. Enjoy that feeling, because it will be the last time you will feel it.”

  I say it with a smile, but she doesn’t smile back. She’s shivering again, covered in goose bumps.

  “Are you ready?”

  She nods, suddenly determined. “Yes.”

  I put my hands on her shoulders and turn her around so she faces me. And then I cradle her face with my hands.

  She blinks up at me, her long eyelashes casting shadows in the May sunlight.

  “There’s one more thing,” I say, swallowing past the tightness in my throat. “When I change you—the process will take a lot out of me. I’ll almost certainly lose consciousness after a while. So don’t be alarmed.”

  The lie comes out easily, too easily maybe, because part of me bitterly rebels at the idea that she won’t know what I’m doing, what I’m giving up for her and Cas. But if she knew, she wouldn’t allow it to happen, and so it has to be this way.

  But I don’t bother to hide the pain and fear in my voice when I ask her, plead with her, “Will you . . . will you hold me as I fall asleep? Promise not to let me go or leave?”

  Her brow furrows. “Of course.” She reaches up to touch the tears clinging to my own long eyelashes, and worry clouds her expression. “Enoch?”

  I bring my mouth crashing down onto hers before she can say another word. I kiss her with everything I have, every angry, scared feeling. I kiss her for all the kisses she and I will never share, and I even kiss her for all the kisses I’ll never share with Cas. I kiss her with all the hope I have for the two of them, for the forever that they’ll have. And then when her body is arching against mine and her heart is pounding with something other than fear, I kiss a line of hot kisses down to her neck, whisper a prayer to a God I don’t believe in, and sink my teeth into her flesh.

  She cries out, and her blood spills into my mouth, hot and metallic, delicious even with the poison it carries. I thought I would have to force myself to drink, that my body would resist the tainted blood, but it turns out that’s not the case. Biting her was the hardest part—now that I’m here, drinking my own execution is as easy as drinking wine on a Miami beach. As easy as falling in love.

  Her cry, which echoed through the trees, is replaced now by a soft sigh, half surrender, half sweet sensation, and I wish I could freeze time and live in this moment forever, my face in her neck, her body warm against mine, the sun gentle above us.

  But of course, the moment must end, and I reluctantly pull away. She stands, dazed and delirious in my arms, and as I bite my own wrist to offer my blood to her, I feel the first swell of death radiate out from my stomach. It won’t be long before her blood is absorbed into my own, and so we have to move fast.

  “Drink quickly,” I urge her, and she slowly lowers her mouth to my wrist, her eyes glassy. I cup the back of her head, and then she’s drinking. Her mouth twists against her first sip, the hot copper taste new and unpleasant, but she still drinks. One swallow, two swallows, three swallows.

  It’s enough. I pull my wrist away, and for a moment we both sway on our feet, our mouths dripping with blood. And then I fall to my knees.

  She takes in a deep breath, and another one and another—her breathing ragged and her eyes wild—and then she also drops to her hands and her knees, gasping and retching as her body slowly transforms itself.

  I watch with drooping eyes, wishing I could be there to hold her and comfort her as I did with Cas. I transformed Cas under a full moon, as chilled November winds blew around us, a proper vampire transformation, but it feels fitting that Esther should get the warm spring and the sunlight, the splashing river and the chattering birds.

  And if I’m honest with myself—and why not be, at this point?—I prefer this May afternoon for my death too. It feels less lonely to die during the daylight, somehow.

  Next to me, Esther lifts her head, her body finally still and her breathing even.

  And then she’s there to hold me. As I slump
to the side, and she’s cradling me in her arms, and I feel dizzy dizzy dizzy, the forest ceiling spinning above me, even the steady beat of her heart seeming to come from all distances at once, far and near, near and far.

  I want to tell her I love her, want her to tell Cas that I love him, that I love him so much that it hurts me, that when I met him it had felt as if I’d always loved him, always known him somehow.

  I want them to be happy.

  I don’t want to die in vain.

  But I can’t seem to make my mouth work. I can’t seem to order my thoughts. Esther is speaking to me, and I hear the fear in her voice as she realizes that something is wrong, that something is happening that shouldn’t, and then I hear pounding footfalls on the path and I know that Cas has found my note and has come racing here.

  I force my eyes open, and pure joy flits through me as I see my Casimir’s face one last time. They are both touching me, and Cas’s face is pressed against my neck as he sobs, and it is like I imagined that night alone with him in chapel.

  Death is sharp.

  Death is sweet.

  And finally, as my last breaths rattle erratically in and out and my senses dim—as I feel the boy I love crying against me and the girl I’ve just begun to love kissing my face—death becomes more than sweet sharpness.

  Welcoming.

  Dizzying.

  Enough.

  BACK AD

  DISCOVER

  your next favorite read

  MEET

  new authors to love

  WIN

  free books

  SHARE

  infographics, playlists, quizzes, and more

  WATCH

  the latest videos

  www.epicreads.com

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  RENÉE AHDIEH is the author of the #1 New York Times bestselling The Wrath and the Dawn and The Rose and the Dagger. In her spare time, she likes to dance salsa and collect shoes. She is passionate about all kinds of curry, rescue dogs, and college basketball. The first few years of her life were spent in a high-rise in South Korea; consequently, Renée enjoys having her head in the clouds. She lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, with her husband and their tiny overlord of a dog.

  RAE CARSON is the New York Times bestselling author of fantasy and historical fiction, including the Girl of Fire and Thorns series and the Gold Seer trilogy, which have won multiple awards and honors. Her books tend to contain adventure, magic, and smart girls who make (mostly) smart choices. Rae lives in Arizona with her husband and cats and the occasional scorpion.

  BRANDY COLBERT is the author of the critically acclaimed debut novel Pointe and Little & Lion. She lives and writes in Los Angeles.

  KATIE COTUGNO is the New York Times bestselling author of 99 Days, How to Love, and Fireworks. She studied writing, literature, and publishing at Emerson College and received her MFA in fiction at Lesley University. Katie is a Pushcart Prize nominee whose work has appeared in Iowa Review, Mississippi Review, and Argestes, among others. She lives in Boston with her husband.

  LAMAR GILES writes novels and short stories for teens and adults. He is the author of the Edgar Award–nominated novels Fake ID and Endangered, and of Overturned. He is a founding member of We Need Diverse Books and resides in Virginia with his wife.

  TESSA GRATTON has wanted to be a paleontologist or a wizard since she was seven. After traveling the world with her military family, she acquired a BA (and the important parts of an MA) in gender studies, then settled down in Kansas to tell stories about monsters, magic, and kissing. She’s the author of the Blood Journals series and Gods of New Asgard series, co-author of YA writing books The Curiosities and The Anatomy of Curiosity, as well as dozens of short stories available in anthologies and on merryfates.com. Her current projects include full-time writer for Tremontaine at Serial Box Publishing, a new YA fantasy from McElderry Books in 2018, and her debut adult fantasy, The Queens of Innis Lear from Tor, also in 2018.

  BETHANY HAGEN is the author of Landry Park and Jubilee Manor. A former librarian, she lives with her spouse and two children in Kansas City.

  JUSTINA IRELAND enjoys dark chocolate, dark humor, and is not too proud to admit that she’s still afraid of the dark. She lives with her husband, kid, and dog in Pennsylvania. She is the author of Vengeance Bound and Promise of Shadows. Her essay “Me, Some Random Guy, and the Army of Darkness” appears in The V-Word, an anthology of personal essays by women about having sex for the first time. And her forthcoming book Dread Nation will be available in 2018.

  ALAYA DAWN JOHNSON is the author of six novels for adults and young adults. Her novel The Summer Prince was longlisted for the National Book Award for Young People’s Literature. Her most recent, Love Is the Drug, won the Andre Norton Award. Her short stories have appeared in many magazines and anthologies, including Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2015, Zombies vs. Unicorns, and Welcome to Bordertown. She lives in Mexico City, where she is getting her master’s in Mesoamerican studies.

  E. K. JOHNSTON had several jobs and one vocation before she became a published writer. If she’s learned anything, it’s that things turn out weird sometimes, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Well, that and how to muscle through awkward fanfic because it’s about a pairing she likes. Her books range from contemporary fantasy (The Story of Owen, Prairie Fire), to fairy-tale reimaginings (A Thousand Nights, Spindle), and from small-town Ontario (Exit, Pursued by a Bear) to a galaxy far, far away (New York Times #1 bestseller Star Wars: Ahsoka). She has no plans to rein anything in.

  JULIE MURPHY is the #1 New York Times bestselling and award-winning author of Ramona Blue, Dumplin’, and Side Effects May Vary. She lives in North Texas with her husband who loves her, her dog who adores her, and her cats who tolerate her. When she’s not writing, she can be found reading, traveling, watching movies so bad they’re good, or hunting down the perfect slice of pizza. Before writing full-time, she held numerous jobs, such as wedding dress consultant, failed barista, and ultimately, librarian. Learn more about her at www.juliemurphywrites.com.

  GARTH NIX has worked as a literary agent, marketing consultant, book editor, book publicist, book sales representative, bookseller, and as a part-time soldier in the Australian Army Reserve. He has been a full-time writer since 2001, and his books include the award-winning and bestselling Old Kingdom series: Sabriel, Lirael, Abhorsen, Clariel, and Goldenhand; the science fiction novels Shade’s Children and A Confusion of Princes; and many fantasy novels for children, including The Ragwitch; the six books of The Seventh Tower sequence; The Keys to the Kingdom series; and the forthcoming Frogkisser! He is also the author of Newt’s Emerald, a “Regency romance with magic”; and with Sean Williams has cowritten the Troubletwisters series and Spirit Animals: Blood Ties.

  More than five million copies of Garth’s books have been sold around the world, his books have appeared on the bestseller lists of the New York Times, Publishers Weekly, USA Today, the Sunday Times, and the Australian, and his work has been translated into forty-one languages. He lives in Sydney, Australia.

  NATALIE C. PARKER wears many hats: author, editor, organizer. She is the author of the Southern Gothic duology Beware the Wild (a Junior Library Guild Selection) and Behold the Bones. She is also the founder of Madcap Retreats, an organization offering a yearly calendar of workshops and retreats for aspiring and established writers. Though she earned her BA in English literature from the University of Southern Mississippi and her MA in gender studies from the University of Cincinnati, she now lives on the Kansas prairie with her partner. Three Sides of a Heart is her first anthology.

  VERONICA ROTH is the author of the bestselling Divergent series, including Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant, and Four: A Divergent Collection, and the science fiction/fantasy novel Carve the Mark. She lives in Chicago with her husband and dog.

  SABAA TAHIR is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the young adult fantasies An Ember in the Ashes and A Torch Against the Night. She grew up
in California’s Mojave Desert at her family’s eighteen-room motel. There, she spent her time devouring fantasy novels, raiding her brother’s comic book stash, and playing guitar badly. She began writing while working nights as a newspaper editor. She likes thunderous indie rock, garish socks, and all things nerd. Her books have been published in thirty-four languages. Visit her website at www.SabaaTahir.com and follow her on Twitter @SabaaTahir.

  BRENNA YOVANOFF was raised in a barn, a tent, and a tepee and was homeschooled until high school. She spent her formative years in Arkansas, in a town heavily populated by snakes, where sometimes they would drop turkeys out of the sky. When she was five, she moved to Colorado, where it snows on a regular basis but never snows turkeys. She holds an MFA in fiction from Colorado State University and is the author of New York Times bestseller The Replacement, The Space Between, Paper Valentine, and Fiendish. Her most recent novel, Places No One Knows, is out now. She currently lives in Denver.

  ABOUT THE EDITOR

  Author photo by Georgia Shae Photography

  NATALIE C. PARKER is the author of the Southern Gothic duology Beware the Wild, a 2014 Junior Library Guild selection, and Behold the Bones. She is also the founder of Madcap Retreats, an organization offering a yearly calendar of writing retreats and workshops to aspiring and established writers. In her not-so-spare time, she works at her local university coordinating programs on climate science and indigenous communities. She holds a BA in English literature and an MA in women’s studies. Though the roots of her family tree are buried deep in southern Mississippi, she lives on the Kansas prairie with her partner and a requisite number of beasts. Learn more about her at www.nataliecparker.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

  CREDITS

  Cover art and design by Erin Fitzsimmons

  COPYRIGHT

  HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.